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H > H's Quotes

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#1

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein

tags: attributed-no-source, human-nature, humor, infinity, philosophy, science, stupidity, universe

147272 likes

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#2

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

tags: intelligence, self-deprecation

71418 likes

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#3

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

tags: comedy, everyday-life, funny, humor, observational-comedy

9430 likes

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#4

“Going to church doesn鈥檛 make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
― Billy Sunday, "Billy" Sunday, the man and his message: with his own words which have won thousands for Christ

tags: automobile, car, funny, humor, religious

8933 likes

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#5

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
― George Carlin

tags: funny, humanity, humor

8851 likes

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#6

“What the hell is that?" I laughed.
"It's my fox hat."
"Your fox hat?"
"Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat."
"Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked.
"Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny, humor

7003 likes

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#7

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
― Cathy Guiswite

tags: eyes, funny, lemons

5202 likes

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#8

“It's not because I want to make out with her."
Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny

4089 likes

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#9

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”
― Jerry Seinfeld

tags: books, funny

4030 likes

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#10

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”
― Bill Cosby

tags: funny

2948 likes

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#11

“Headline?" he asked.
"'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said.
"'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said.
"'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

tags: funny, humor, humour, internet, john-green, pedophile, pedophilia, tfios, the-fault-in-our-stars

2793 likes

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#12

“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.
The horse whinnied angrily.
"I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”
― Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

tags: funny, silly-chinese-canadian-baby-man

2804 likes

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#13

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
― Will Rogers

tags: advice, funny, reticence, silence

2616 likes

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#14

“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”
― Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness

tags: antipathy, dislike, funny, hatred

2375 likes

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#15

“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”
― Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth

tags: funny, life

2020 likes

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#16

“Perv."
He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?”
― Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

tags: funny, morganvillevampires

1999 likes

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#17

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
― Robert Benchley

tags: bleeding, funny, humor, opera, stabbed

1984 likes

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#18

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

tags: crime, funny, humour

1545 likes

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#19

“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make鈥�
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever鈥�
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?”
― Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts

tags: dating, funny

1535 likes

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#20

“Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

tags: daemon, funny, katy, ninja

1273 likes

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#21

“Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ”
― 贬别谤驳茅, The Shooting Star

tags: end-of-the-world, funny, tintin

1211 likes

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#22

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”
― Bill Watterson

tags: calvin-and-hobbes, comic, education, funny, school

1204 likes

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#23

“She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.”
― Rick Riordan, The Titan's Curse

tags: funny, humor

1087 likes

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#24

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

tags: funny, humour, neighborhoods

968 likes

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#25

“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

tags: accurate, drowsiness, funny

940 likes

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#26

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
― George Carlin, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?

tags: alcohol, funny, humor, laugh, warning-labels

850 likes

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#27

“Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."
Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"
Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.”
― Orson Scott Card

tags: advent-rising, funny, humour, stupid

812 likes

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#28

“She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.”
― John Green, Looking for Alaska

tags: funny

784 likes

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#29

“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord."
Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.”
― Terry Pratchett, Unseen Academicals

tags: funny, gender-stereotypes, men-and-women

780 likes

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#30

“Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

tags: funny, funny-but-true, hell, humor, introversion, introvert, introverts, parties, party, partying, people, saints, social, socializing

706 likes

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attributed-no-source
human-nature
humor
infinity
philosophy
science
stupidity
universe
intelligence
self-deprecation
comedy
everyday-life
funny
observational-comedy
automobile
car
religious
humanity
eyes
lemons
books
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internet
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pedophile
pedophilia
tfios
the-fault-in-our-stars
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reticence
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antipathy
dislike
hatred
life
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opera
stabbed
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education
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hell
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