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“There's a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It's so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over all night trying to start a fire only to finally succeed just to have your beard go up in flames? No aloe vera back then.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By

“To be successful, you need friends. To be very successful, you need enemies.”
― Ari Gold

“Happiness is a booty call: available and satisfying, but after a few hours, you’re ready to call an Uber and get back to your real commitments.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By

“Don’t waste time worrying about work/life balance, or looking for your best self, sham “secretsâ€� or any other snake oil being pushed by sloppy hippies who have never built a business, let alone a bankroll, or you will wake up 20 years from now poor, pissed off and primed for a midlife crisis.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By

“First, if you participate in Movember, fuck you. Second, if you want to raise money for prostate cancer (a noble cause), do it the old-fashioned way, by either begging for it or exerting yourself physically for donations. Sitting on your ass and letting nature take its course above your upper lip is not the same thing as running a 10K at a local high school or breaking out the set of power tools your dad gave you as a housewarming present collecting dust in your garage and using them to go out and build a habitat for humanity.

Maybe I can raise money for rectal cancer by getting people to pledge a dollar every time I take a shit.

And third no one wants to see that horrific seventies pornstache growing like a caterpillar with cerebral palsy zigzagging across your face; you look like you're about to go door to door informing people that you're a registered sex offender who's just moved in next door and would their kids like to come out and was your windowless van for a dollar?

Fuck Movember. And November.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By

“The idea that someone could, or would want to, experience uninterrupted happiness over a period of days, let alone years, is ludicrous.

Anyone who feels pleasant and bubbly all the time is either mentally disabled or hooked on crack.

Money, on the other hand, is steady. You can spend it, invest it or light a little bit on fire in an intern’s ass. Either way, money gets to sleep over.

Money is a resource that makes it easier for you to find your purpose and achieve your goals, not because you are buying happiness, but because you are eliminating the desperation that drains happiness and distracts you from your purpose.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By

“Retirement isn’t a goal; it’s a sentence.”
― Ari Gold

“Loving your work doesn’t mean finding a job you can tolerate for eight hours a day, but rather a job that gets you flying out of bed in the morning like a Jack Russell who just had a firecracker stuffed up his ass.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By

“Hookers, Hondas and Hollywood all approach customers with a different mindset than the rest of the business world. Whereas most businesses talk about the importance of "customer service," agents, mechanics and people of the night talk about "servicing customers."

It is an important distinction, as customer service is generally a reactive process in which professionals and businesses respond to the needs of their clients, while servicing customers involves exploration to discover what the customer needs in order to start firing all the cylinders.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By

“Fight, fight, fight and get that money, money, money. ’Cause happiness can’t buy even a nickel.”
― Ari Gold, The Gold Standard: Rules to Rule By