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“In a dependent relationship, the protégé can always control the protector by threatening to collapse.”
― Barbara W. Tuchman, The March Of Folly: From Troy To Vietnam

“Once they have been affected---once "it" sets in---codependency takes on a life of its own. It is similar to catching pneumonia or picking up a destructive habit. Once you've got it, you've got it.

If you want to get rid of it, YOU have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

“All of life is dependent upon other life, and the closer we consider what constitutes living, the harder life becomes to define.”
― John Green, The Anthropocene Reviewed: Essays on a Human-Centered Planet

“It's hard to get enough of something that almost works.”
― Vincent Felitti, MD

“Lately, he had been wondering if codependence was such a bad thing. He took pleasure in his friendships, and it didn’t hurt anyone, so who cared if it was codependent or not? And anyway, how was a friendship any more codependent than a relationship? Why was it admirable when you were twenty-seven but creepy when you were thirty-seven? Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified. Friendship was witnessing another’s slow drip of miseries, and long bouts of boredom, and occasional triumphs. It was feeling honoured by the privilege of getting to be present for another person’s most dismal moments, and knowing that you could be dismal around him in return.”
― Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life

“Continually trying to satisfy someone who attempts to control you is like bailing someone out of jail when they need to learn a lesson. They will never learn how to take care of themselves unless you are not there to take care of them. Get out of the middle. You take care of you. Let God take care of them.”
― Kate McGahan

“There is not a woman born who desires to eat the bread of dependence, no matter whether it be from the hand of father, husband, or brother; for anyone who does so eat her bread places herself in the power of the person from whom she takes it.”
― Susan B. Anthony

“It is only when we feel deprived that we resent giving to others. Self-care does not mean you stop caring about others; it just means you start caring more about you. Start thinking about yourself more and others less. Since you have a choice between taking care of someone else, or giving to yourself, try choosing yourself sometimes.”
― Beverly Engel, The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse: A Therapeutic 7-Step Self-Help Program for Men and Women, Including How to Choose a Therapist and Find a Support Group

“When you can find your own axis, you can revolve around it, for when you revolve your life on someone outside of you, you lose your own alignment. Just as the earth revolves around its own axis daily and through this eternal gentle revolving it also revolves around the sun, if you don’t find your own axis and you don’t gently revolve, you cannot be for anyone.
Then, once you have centered on your axis and someone else who has also centered on theirs is brought into your world, the two of you can come together and there is a collision of axes and you shift from your center. This is the sensation of ‘falling in loveâ€�.”
― Malti Bhojwani, Don't Think Of a Blue Ball

“The Karpman drama triangle is a classic model of codependent behaviour. First of all, a codependent will rescue someone. Then, when their ‘brave and charitableâ€� work hasn’t been acknowledged, they become very angry at the person they have attempted to rescue. And finally, they start to feel like a victim. They feel sorry for themselves and complain how the person they rescued never appreciated them. The important thing to learn here is that if a person wants to change, it’s because they have made a decision to do so.”
― Christopher Dines, The Kindness Habit: Transforming our Relationship to Addictive Behaviours

“The martyr sacrifices herself entirely in vain. Or rather not in vain; for she makes the selfish more selfish, the lazy more lazy, the narrow narrower.”
― Florence Nightingale, Ever Yours, Florence Nightingale: Selected Letters

“Don’t you see," she would explain, "that when I see anything or do anything there is no joy in keeping it to myself? I want to give everything to you. If I am alone and I see a picture that I love, or I read some passage from a book, I think to myself there is no meaning in this unless he knows it too. You are such a part of me that to stand alone leaves me dumb, without speech, without eyes. A tree with hatched branches, like someone with no hands. Life is valueless unless I can share everything with you â€� beauty, ugliness, pain. There must be no shadows between us, no quiet corners in our hearts.”
― Daphne du Maurier, The Doll: The Lost Short Stories

“Like all the other defense mechanisms, delusion is invisible to us, making it a serious problem: we don't know we are deluded. We live in an unreal world based on our delusions, but we see that unreal world as reality. Because we can't afford to hear the facts about our lives as they really are, we often get very angry with people who try to point out any fallacies in our delusions. This position leaves us very vulnerable, since both reality itself and anyone with a strong sense of reality tend to threaten the view we have of our world. People in delusion tend to isolate themselves from those who might reveal the truth about their lives.”
― Pia Mellody, Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives

“All of the years I spent trying to be someone you could be proud of would have been better spent being proud of myself for who I already was.”
― Paula Heller Garland

“Any discussion of male codependency, even one rooted in early attachment dis-ruption, must address the pressures of the social-norm context for male devel-opment. These pressures are often referred to in the literature as “gender role strain.â€� Gender role strain in men has been identified as either the failure to fulfill male role expectations or the traumatic fulfillment of these expectations, and their negative consequences. One proposed cause of gender role strain is the early gender role socialization process which begins within the family context and is supported by a larger cultural socialization based on patriarchy.”
― Mary Crocker Cook, Codependency & Men

“You became my security blanket until I lost you and learned not to need you.”
― Lidia Longorio, Hey Humanity

“if your Problem is someone else's behavior, you go to a program for the solution, because the solution might be do nothing.”
― Whitney Cummings

“I want to look at him and think, 'I'd burn cities to keep you warm', better yet I want to think, 'I'd plant forests to keep you alive'.”
― Najaha Nauf, October Defined: an anthology of verse

“Control is the product of your disabled will. It is an attempt to will what cannot be willed. You cannot change another person. You cannot fix your parents, spouse, lover or children. You cannot control their lives or their pain.”
― John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

“Only when our adult children are forced to face the consequences of their own actions - their own choices - will it finally begin to sink in how deep their patterns of dependence and avoidance have become. And only then will we as parents be able to take the next step to real healing, forever ending our enabling habits and behaviors.”
― Allison Bottke, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

“We must stop trying to change their behaviors by making choices for them and by shielding them from the painful consequences of their actions or inaction. We cannot change them.

...

Setting our adult children free to live the lives God intended them to live is not abandonment - even if it means setting them free during a time of severe trial and tribulation in their lives.”
― Allison Bottke, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

“What will we do when we stop living our adult children's lives for them?

We will start living our own.”
― Allison Bottke, Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

“Our relationship was now more duty than dream, our love the kind bound by codependence, necessity, and obsession.”
― Karie Fugett, Alive Day: A Memoir