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“Jeff: You know most people who've had near death experiances say they say a white light. What did you see?

Akmed: I saw flying car parts!


Jeff: What was the last thing that went through your mind?


Akmed: My ass. But I saw a blue Prius! Is it true you have one of those? Did you know that if your driving down the highway in a Prius and you stick your hand out the window the car will turn?!”
― Jeff Dunham

“Alright so Evil Conevil, yeah. They're always asking him about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard them ask is

'So evil what were you thinking right before you hit the ground?' how much stupider can you get?

'well, Bob. I was thinking, Hey! Did I leave the iron on? and when my lag broke in half, Hey! I should get a puppy! No! What do you think I was thinking? I was thinking AAAAAAAAA!!!!! AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAA!!!”
― Brian Regan

“I like turtles!!!!”
― Jeff Kinney, Cabin Fever

“Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go?


Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought I was an ass. And i was paying both of 'um.”
― Jeff Dunham

“From the book - "Just because you can't see them, doesn't mean their are not there!”
― Z.Z. LaFourche, Between The Shoals