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“It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They’re both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I’m always surprised when somebody funny is not musical.”
― Conan O'Brien

“Haley and I would talk for hours about which member of 'N Sync we'd want to marry. After long deliberation, the answer was always J. C. Chasez. Joey
Fatone's last name was going to be “Fat One�� no matter how great he was, and even though they didn't know at their
age that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he'd make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin Timberlake, well, JT was the coolest and hottest, but too flashy, so we couldn't trust him to be faithful. J. C. Chasez was the smart compromise.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“Comedy was one of those genres that while appearing quite jolly was actually highly dangerous.”
― Jasper Fforde, One of Our Thursdays Is Missing

“You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“Perriwickturned to Penelope as he set the tray down on a table. "If I might be so bold, my lady-"
"Perriwick!" Blake roared. "If I hear the phrase 'if I might be so bold' one more time, as God is my
witness, I'm going to toss you into the channel!"
"Oh dear," Penelope said. "Perhaps he does have the fever, after all.Perriwick , what do you think?"
The butler reached for Blake's forehead, only to have his hand nearly bitten off. "Touch me and die,"
Blake snarled.”
― Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

“Some people fight fire with fire. I've found water to be more effective.”
― Adrianne Ambrose, Confessions of a Virgin Sacrifice

“Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.”
― Doug Stanhope

“How my heart missed beating like this. For him. Only for him.”
― Ella Maise, The Hardest Fall

“That voice that cries out doesn't have to be a weakling's does it?”
― John Osborne, Look Back in Anger

“Bicky rocked, like a jelly in a high wind.”
― P.G. Wodehouse

“بعضهم يقول إن الحياة قصيرة، وأنك قد تموت في حادث سيارة في أي لحظة، فعليك أن تعيش كل يوم كأنه آخر أيامك. هذا هراء. الحيـاة طويلة. ومن المحتمل جداً أنك لا تموت في حادث سيارة، وعندها عليك أن تعيش مع نتائج خياراتك لمدة خمسين عاماً”
― Chris Rock

“Better you than Cameron " McGillicuddy grumbled. "I know where Cameron's been."
Sean snorted.
Cameron said "I already told you I did NOT come on to Lori.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man �� To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.”
― Weston Locher, Musings on Minutiae

“If you cannot find an element of Humour in something, your not taking it seriously enough.”
― Ilyas Kassam

“I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.”
― craig ferguson

“Roxy, stop being so obnoxious!" -Joy
"I'm never obnoxious; I'm just concerned." -Roxy”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex and the Single Vampire

“Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Oof!" Adam caught me all right, with the side of his head. I could tell by the feel of his skull on my foot as I kicked him. He grabbed me the best he could anyway, and we half landed, half fell in the pine needles.
He lay facedown on the ground. I flopped him over on his back to make sure he was alive. If he had a concussion, we'd have to call the ambulance, which meant we'd get caught and he'd get sent to military school.
On the bright side, maybe the military school would not take him if he had brain damage.
"I'm so sorry."
"Worth it," he grunted. He rolled onto his feet like a ninja and grabbed my hand.
"Hurry, before they release the hounds.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“I've never heard of a man's cock being described as a fang before. - Rapahel”
― Nalini Singh, Angels' Blood

“We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.”
― Molly Harper, Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs

“One does not have humor. It has you.”
― Larry Gelbart

“Sebastian,�� Katarina said, turning to her nephew. “You’ve grown.��

“It happens,�� Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin.

“Goodness,�� she said with smile, “you’ll be a danger to the ladies soon.��

Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet.

It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn’t all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared.”
― Julia Quinn, What Happens in London

“Well, possibly," I said, feeling my lips twitch again. "But maybe first you would tell us why you chose to manifest yourself in the form of Shirley Temple as last seen on the 'Good Ship Lollipop'?"
The demon twirled around, its big pink sash fluttering as it smoothed down its dress and frilly little petticoat. "My grotesque form isn't making you sick with fright?"
We both shook our heads, Noelle with a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing out loud. "Shirley Temple at her pinnacle was frightening," I finally told it, "but not in the sense I think you mean.”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex and the Single Vampire

“You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha”
― Sitta Karina, Pesan dari Bintang

“What can you answer? Now be careful, don’t arouse my spite, Or with my slipper I’ll take you napping,
faces slapping
Left and right.”
― Aristophanes, Lysistrata

“It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital.”
― Weston Locher, Musings on Minutiae

“[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.”
― Weston Locher, Musings on Minutiae

“Good evening, Miss Steele. You are the ninth-loveliest woman at this ball."
"Thank you,' Beatrice said with a curtsy, "though I think there are fewer than nine women in attendance.”
― Julia Seales, A Most Agreeable Murder

“It's very tragic," Louisa said. "They had just moved to a new mansion in Bath with fifty-nine bedrooms. Unfortunately, the two of them got lost on their way to breakfast. Their servants didn't find them until it was too late - they had wasted away."
"How awful," Beatrice said, leaning forward. "Do the inspectors suspect foul play?"
"No birds were involved. The Croaksworths were simply terrible with directions," Louisa replied.”
― Julia Seales, A Most Agreeable Murder