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“[T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.”
― Tina Fey, Bossypants

“...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says women aren't funny... Do you have anything to say to that?'

Yes. We don't fucking care if you like it.

I don't say it out loud, of course, because Jerry Lewis is a great philanthropist, Hitchens is very sick, and the third guy I made up.”
― Tina Fey

“Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word... nothing actually happens.”
― Richard Curtis

“Love is the greatest thing life will ever offer you and if you surrender yourself to that love, you must be willing to fight until the very end for it.”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Mila Blitz

“Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious”
― Peter Ustinov

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
― Steven Wright

“No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“For the record, folks; I never took a shit on stage and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywhere was at a Holiday Inn buffet in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.”
― Frank Zappa, The Real Frank Zappa Book

“My whole life I though I was the star of an overly earnest romance movie, and it turns out I was in a goddamned buddy comedy all along.”
― John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

“You can’t keep bitch-slapping your creativity, or it’ll run away and find a new pimp.”
― George Meyer

“As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”
― George Carlin

“Your confidence in me is heartwarming.
Makes me want to return all the money I stole from the little old ladies and kick the heroin.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“A smaller rocket cut across the sky, trailing smoke. It exploded in a red heart.
"Awwwww!" said the crowd.
"Upside down," said Sean.
The heart was, indeed, upside down. It grew and grew, upside down, until it's lights trailed and faded.
A bigger rocket exploded in bright golden sparks, and then came another red heart.
"Upside down," said all the boys.
Three explosions layered on top of one another, gold, blue, pink. Then still another red heart exploded, growing and growing before it faded.
"Upside down," said everyone in the boat but me.
My own heart expanded for Adam.
I whispered, "I know what he meant.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“I was just thinking... isn't it lucky that we decided to become co-editors? If one takes a blow to the head, the other can fill in. If the other's lung spontaneoulsy collapses, the one can fill in. It's a perfect system once you think about it."
~Will Landsman”
― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

“He stopped to rest at a cart selling nuts and candy, bought himself some Jelly Belly's, flirted just enought with the Mexican cutie working there to convince her pull out the banana-flavored one. Although he liked his Jelly Belly's mixed up, he didn't like banana, but, since it took too much effort to pull them out himself, he generally tried to talk someone else into doing it. If that didn't work, he just ate 'em.

- Kenny Traveler”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Lady Be Good

“The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.
Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.”
― Janet Evanovich, Hot Six

“Adam �� Lori called loudly enough for me to hear her but not so loud that her voice would carry up to my mom in the marina office- or to her dad who might be listening from their screened porch facing the water.

“I came over to get some tips from the boys about teaching Tammy and Rachel to board. Of course I did not come over here to see you. How could you think such a thing That would be disobedient.��

I held up the wax.
“For my own disobedience I have to buff the boat. Then I’m going for a jog.��
She tilted her head. Probably her eyes widened but I couldn’t see them behind her sunglasses. I hated not being able to see her eyes.
She asked “In this heat?��
I didn’t mind jogging in the heat. The heat was a big friendly animal that liked to wrestle and only occasionally sat on me until I lost my breath. Anyway she was missing the point.

I repeated carefully ”I am GOING for a JOG.��
“I HEARD you the FIRST time �� she said. “It’s late afternoon in the middle of June. It’s ninety-five degrees out here.��
“He means he’s GOING for a JOG�� Rachel and Tammy said at the same time.
“He’s GOING for a JOG.��
Lori still didn’t get it. Normally her blondeness was one of the things I loved about her. At the moment not so much.
Exasperated Cameron told her “Adam wants you to go for a jog too.��
She said “Oh ��
“If you two airheads have to hook up secretly for very long �� Sean said “you’re not going to make it.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal."

Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction.”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Revealed

“Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close."
"Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.”
― Janet Evanovich, High Five

“There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."
Where?"
In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.”
― Roald Dahl, The Collected Short Stories of Roald Dahl

“Let's go," I said.
"Go where?"
"On Lori's date with Parker."
Now he looked at me over the nerdy spectacles he wore for reading.
"I wasn't aware it was a double date. And you're not my type.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.”
― Brian Regan

“Think like a middle-aged man with OCD, a dead wife, and a teenage daughter.
Think like a woman with three teenage sons who once ran a golf cart into the side of their granddad's house."
"Cameron and Sean shouldn't have let me drive," Adam said in his own defense. "I was seven."
"You shouldn't have ASKED to drive. You were seven.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“Stay away from her."
"Okay."
"Keep your hands off her."
"I'll try."
He scowled at me.
"I will," I said.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“Over the road there was a church: a modern gray building, which constantly played a recording of church bells. Strange it was. Why no proper bells? I never went in but I bet it was a robot church for androids, where the Bible was in binary and their Jesus had laser eyes and metal claws.”
― Russell Brand, My Booky Wook

“No,' the professor replied. 'Her Majesty s alive and well - at least I assume so if she hasn't met a certain van driver from Yeovil.' ~Professor Hamilton”
― Bryan Davis, Circles of Seven

“Son," he said, "you monkeyed up.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“The human comedy is always tragic, but since its ingredients are always the same—dupe, fox, straight, like burlesque skits—the repetition through the ages is comedy.”
― Dawn Powell

“Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.”
― Carroll Bryant

“I have received many love notes about my wit. Though they are often disguised as strongly worded letters which request I hold my tongue.”
― Julia Seales, A Most Agreeable Murder