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“I invite you to use Janet Hurley's feedback wheel, a form of speaking that has four parts. It is a structure you can use to organize your thoughts and more skillfully speak up when you are hurt.

1. This is what I recollect happened.
2. This is what I made up about it.
3. This is what I felt.

And that all-important fourth step most speakers leave out:

4. This would help me feel better.

In other words, this is what repair might look like.

...

1. Terry, you said you'd be home by six and you arrive at 6:45, no message or text, while I sat with the kids waiting for dinner.
2. What I make up about that is that you still have some narcissistic traits and that you value your time over ours.
3. I felt sad lonely, fearful of the impact on our children, hurt, and angry.
4. What I'd like now is for you to apologize to the kids, and to me for that matter. And tell me what you're going to do to not repeat this pattern.

Notice that each step of the wheel is complete in just a few sentences. Be concise. And here are two more important tips. First, when you share your feelings, be sure to share your feelings, not your thoughts - keep them separate. "I feel like you're angry" doesn't cut it. Better would be "I make up that you're angry and about that I feel.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“Learning to accept and move through healthy conflict is an essential component of keeping
passion alive long-term in partnerships.”
― Gina Senarighi, Love More, Fight Less: Communication Skills Every Couple Needs: A Relationship Workbook for Couples

“Learning to accept and move through healthy conflict is an essential component of keeping
passion alive long-term in partnerships. Couples who honor individuality and autonomy often
experience more fulfilling intimate connections because they more easily save space for
fascination, independent growth, and robust personal adventures.”
― Gina Senarighi, Love More, Fight Less: Communication Skills Every Couple Needs: A Relationship Workbook for Couples

“Thinking that you partner simply is a certain way conveniently removes you from the picture and leaves little room for you to change or repair the relationship. The usual escalation goes from some particular incident to trend thinking (she always, he never) and from there to essential character (she just is cold, he just is a child). Once you're convinced you're dealing with a character issue, you can do little but plead with your partner to change who they are. Good luck with that.”
― Terrence Real

“Take a break, throw some water on your face, take cleansing breaths with long exhalations, go for a walk. But don't try to grapple with relational issues from your Adaptive Child. Get yourself reseated in your Wise Adult before attempting repair. Ask yourself which part of you is talking right now, and what that part's real agenda is. If your agenda in that moment is to be right, to gain control, to vent, retaliate, or withdraw - then stop, call a formal time-out if need be, and get yourself recentered. The only agenda that will work is the one about finding a solution. Only then will you have any luck using your newly cultivated sills.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“...the day you turn to the person sleeping next to you and realize that you have been had, that this is not the person you fell in love with, and that this is all some dreadful mistake—that, Framo claims, is the first day of your real marriage. Welcome to humanity. No gods or goddesses here. And what a great thing that turns out to be. While we may long to be married to perfection, it turns out it is precisely the collision of your particular imperfections with mine—and how we as a couple handle that collision—that is the guts, the actual stuff of intimacy. Harmony, then disharmony, then repair is the essential rhythm of all close relationships. It's like walking. You have your balance, then you stumble. You catch yourself and rebalance.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“I call the harmony phase of a relationship love without knowledge; I call the disharmony phase knowledge without love. Now you know exactly and precisely all your partner's flaws and blemishes. You see them all. But you don't love your partner very much. You are utterly in you and me consciousness, facing an adversary, fighting for your psychological survival.”
― Terrence Real

“Even while your are triggered, you can take a moment, or twenty, and access your Wise Adult self, the part of you that can stop, think, observe, and choose. Disharmony is to your relationship as pain to your physical body. It's a signal that something is wrong, that someone needs to get their hand off the stove. Our prefrontal cortex can process that signal and choose what to do about it. On the other hand, you and me consciousness knows just what to do in times of disharmony: (1) wrap yourself in rightness, (2) attempt to control your partner, (3) give vent to every emotion and infraction, (4) retaliate, (5) shut down - or some combination of all five of these losing strategies.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“First, repair is not a two-way street. Almost everyone gets this wrong. When you are faced with an upset partner, this is not your turn. This is not a dialogue. Liz doesn't air all her grievances as an invitation for Phil to then air his. You must take turns. Repair goes in one direction. When your partner is in a state of disrepair, your only job is to help them get back into harmony with you, to deal with their upset, and to support them in reconnecting.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“When you're dissatisfied with an aspect of your relationship, it is critical that you say something rather than sweep it aside. But there's a difference between speaking the way most of us do in this culture and speaking in a manner that might actually get you heard. You can start by pulling your accusatory finger away from your partner's face. ... Stay on your side of the street. Don't accuse them - talk about yourself. Not "Liz, you're avoidant," but rather, "Liz, I don't feel met.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“We tell ourselves a story about what just happened, and our feelings most often follow the story we've constructed. Belinda is being nice. Belinda is being sarcastic. Living beyond individualism requires each of us to take responsibility for our own constructions. "What I make up" is a phrase I ask my clients to use. What I make up is that you're being sarcastic. What I make up is that under your anger, there's hurt. We are not clairvoyant, and neither are we the authoritative voice of objective reality. Keep it subjective; keep it humble. "This was my experience, right or wrong. This is how I recollect it. This is the story I tell myself about it." Here's the trick. For the most part, you cannot violate someone when you speak from the I.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“When you share your feelings, skip over the emotion that first comes to you, your go-to emotion, and lead with others. ... More specifically, if you are used to leading with big, powerful feelings, like anger, or indignation, soften up - reach for and lead with your vulnerability. Find the hurt. Conversely, if you lead with small, timid, insecure feelings, find your power. Where is your anger, the part of you that says "Enough"?
Here's the principle: Changing your stance changes the dance between you.”
― Terrence Real, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship

“In controlling or neglectful marriages, marriage counseling will overburden the partner who takes responsibility for the marriage and embolden the one who doesn’t to behave even worse.”
― Ngina Otiende, The Newlyweds: Pursuing Mutuality, Health, and Happiness in Marriage