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“Are the most dangerous creatures the ones that use doors or the ones that don't?”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Amy said, "So, you're making a flamethrower?"
"Amy, we gotta be prepared. We don't know what we'll find in that place, but for all we know it could be the Devil himself."
"David, what possible good is that thing gonna do?"
"Oh, no, you didn't hear me. I said it's a flamethrower." Girls.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Your 'let's remain calm and stay put' speech would be a lot more convincing if you weren't giving it in front of a pile of burning skeletons.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“You know how sometimes when you're drifting off to sleep you feel that jolt, like you were falling and caught yourself at the last second? It's nothing to be concerned about, it's usually just the parasite adjusting its grip.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“I had a familiar, nervous sensation, one that goes all the way back to elementary school. It's the simultaneous realization that I may have talked my way into another fistfight, and that I had not spent any time learning to fight since the last one.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Here's where things get hazy. John claims that the men hauling him away from the scene were escorted by other men carrying submachine guns, though when pressed, he admitted that they may have been flashlights. Either way, John says the men threw him down and intended to execute him, at which point he kicked one of the men in the face and backflipped to his feet. He then wrestled away the man's gun and "dick-whipped" him with it. I am unclear as to whether or not this means he struck the man in the groin or merely slapped him in the same manner in which he would slap a person with his dick. I never ask John to clarify such things. Anyway, he said he swung again and slammed another man's skull with the gun, so hard it "made the batteries fly out.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“I wrapped up the remaining half burrito and tossed it into the trash can. Molly watched this act of wastefulness with an expression like she had just seen her entire family die in a fire.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“John trotted up, carrying his satchel. "Yes. Wexler's gone. We need your car."
"What? Why?"
John circled around to the passenger-side door and said, "Car chase.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“Six centuries ago, the pre-Colombian natives who settled here named this region with a word that in their language translates to, 'The Mouth of the Shadow.' Later, the Iroquois who showed up and inexplicably slaughtered every man, woman, and child in those first tribes renamed it a word that literally translates to, 'Seriously, Fuck this Place.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“But in those first hours after you take it, your brain is tuned in like nothing you can imagine. Eyes like the Hubble telescope, sensing light that's not even on the spectrum. You might be able to read minds, make time stop, cook pasta that's exactly right every time.”
― David Wong

“I stared out of the window, at my Bronco rusting in the parking lot, the metal eager to get back to just being dirt. Life was probably easier for it back then.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“We were not restrained in our chairs, but there were so many guns on us that if I scratched my nose, the shooting aftermath would look like somebody had just spilled a huge lasagna here.”
― David Wong, This Book Is Full of Spiders

“Quando mi misi comodo, una gamba si spezzò, facendo piegare di colpo la poltrona di trenta gradi. Mi appoggiai alla spalliera con nonchalance, come a voler dare a vedere che fosse esattamente quello che mi aspettavo accadesse.”
― David Wong