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So, let’s review, Doc�
To maintain this ‘effortlessly� youthful appearance of mine, I’ll need to schedule hormone therapy, use a daily regimen of retinol and vitamin C for my face, apply cream tighteners for my neck, engage in about a thousand facial exercises a day, and
even sleep on my head for good anti-gravity measure.
Oh, and let’s not forget walking around the house with a pulsating light laser on my face. And of course, maintaining a rabbit-ona-food-strike diet and drinking water until I’m sick of the taste.
No more wine, just CBD mood relaxers, and don’t forget the waist cincher! The more out of breath, the better.
There’s minoxidil for my shedding hair, collagen supplements, and protein peptides. Then there are the laser treatments, bi-annual Botox, and facial injections.
And let’s not forget, the copper socks for ankle swelling, magnetic bracelets and rings, and higher strength readers every few months.
Not to mention, keeping a handy lighted magnifier near my bed for emergencies and replacement pillowcases for the heat and sweat eruptions.
For the aches and pains, there’s Ibuprofen for my back. And let’s not forget, to keep arthritis at bay (and keep my hands from looking like a turnip), hot paraffin wax—and giant sock and foot booties at bedtime... all while staring at the ceiling like a zombie at 3 am with my neck floating in a tsunami of sweat.
...And just when I thought I could relax, I’ve got to try my best to make painful sex winces sound like erotic pleasure groans,
(all for his precious ego).
Resist the urge to give my hubby just one good slap square across his face for just being a man. And not be pissed at his ability to jump up, take a shower, shave, and be out the door in 20 minutes.
And most importantly, every single day, deliver a smile for the cameras and say, “I feel freaking awesome�!!!
So, Doc, when do I get to kick back and enjoy life?”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required

“No one–and I mean no one!–ever sat me down, nudged me, or gave me the elbow or the wink that getting old would be like
this.
Why is that?! If I had known, I would have been at least a bit prepared for the cyclone event that would befall me.
No elderly person I’ve known ever looked hysterical, ran around panting like a dog, or screamed like a banshee while ripping off their clothes and diving into the sea!
So, why no muffled screams from the cheap seats? Why no letter have I received, sealed with an emblem in blood and no return address, simply marked: “Warning—dated material enclosed—Run!�
Come on now, elderly people look so cute and sweet. I see them on the bus, at church, on laxative commercials, but always smiling.
Have they been warned that if you scream your bloody guts off—you will be banished to Century Park Village, sans any golf cart or Ibuprofen?
What I have witnessed my body do in the past 10 years would scare a newborn back into the womb.
And trust me, if ‘Seth spoke�, he’d definitely have a few things to say about this shit show!
And where the hell is “Bridget Jones’s Diary: Menopocalypse!â€� Knee-Deep in a Hot Flash!?”
― Gabrielle Jordan, Help! My Face Is Falling!: Aging: No Grace Required