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“Laughter and irony are at heart reminders that we are not prisoners in this world, but voyagers through it.”
― Eben Alexander, Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife

“Do not pollute my perfectly acceptable figurative speech with irrelevant facts!”
― Courtney Milan, The Duchess War

“Irony is just honesty with the volume cranked up.”
― George Saunders

“I think sometimes people think cheerful is a synonym for dumb, so no one is ever cheerful.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“Now, as I understand it, the bards were feared. They were respected, but more than that they were feared. If you were just some magician, if you'd pissed off some witch, then what's she gonna do, she's gonna put a curse on you, and what's gonna happen? Your hens are gonna lay funny, your milk's gonna go sour, maybe one of your kids is gonna get a hare-lip or something like that â€� no big deal.

You piss off a bard, and forget about putting a curse on you, he might put a satire on you. And if he was a skilful bard, he puts a satire on you, it destroys you in the eyes of your community, it shows you up as ridiculous, lame, pathetic, worthless, in the eyes of your community, in the eyes of your family, in the eyes of your children, in the eyes of yourself, and if it's a particularly good bard, and he's written a particularly good satire, then three hundred years after you're dead, people are still gonna be laughing, at what a twat you were.”
― Alan Moore

“He sure put things into words good.”
― S.E. Hinton, The Outsiders

“He expects us to kill him," Palomides said to Dinadan.
"Some people are so demanding," Dinadan replied. "Considering we've only just met, I mean.”
― Gerald Morris, The Ballad of Sir Dinadan

“Yup, believe it: I was born on March 28, yet my name is April.”
― Sarah Mlynowski, Ten Things We Did

“How strange it was to think that he, who such a short time ago dared not believe in the happiness of her loving him, now felt unhappy because she loved him too much!”
― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

“The Emperor, you see, protects... He protects mankind, through the Legions, through the Martial corps, through the war machines of the Mechanicum. He understands the dangers. The inconsistencies. He uses you, and all the instruments like you, to protect us from harm. To protect our physical bodies from murder and damage, to protect our minds from madness, to protect our souls... There are insane dangers in the cosmos, dangers that mankind is fundamentally unable to comprehend, let alone survive. So he protects us. There are truths out there that would drive us mad by one fleeting glimpse of them. So he chooses not to share them with us. That's why he made you... Remember, Garviel. The Emperor is our truth and out light. If we trust in him, he will protect.”
― Dan Abnett, Horus Rising

“Regret and pangs of conscience are feelings we assign to others to make the world seem a little more fair, to even things out a little and provide consolation. In reality, those who do wrong to us never think about us as much as we think about them, and that is the ultimate irony: their deeds live inside us, festering, while they live out in the world, plucking peaches off trees, biting juicily into them, their minds on things lovely and sweet.”
― Samuel Park, This Burns My Heart

“I was just chased through St. Willibald’s, and you know why? Because I was kind to a quig. I scrupulously hide every legitimate reason for people to hate me, and then it turns out they don’t need legitimate reasons. Heaven has fashioned a knife of irony to stab me with.”
― Rachel Hartman, Seraphina

“What an ironic tragedy that an affluent, “Christianâ€� minority in the world continues to hoard its wealth while hundreds of millions of people hover on the edge of starvation!”
― Ronald J. Sider, Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger: Moving from Affluence to Generosity

“If the empire had been afflicted by any recent calamity, by a plague, a famine, or an unsuccessful war; if the Tiber had, or if the Nile had not, risen beyond its banks; if the earth had shaken, or if the temperate order of the seasons had been interrupted, the superstitious Pagans were convinced that the crimes and the impiety of the Christians, who were spared by the excessive lenity of the government, had at length provoked the divine justice.”
― Edward Gibbon, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

“They say a woman's loyalty only lasts as long as it takes her to hang up and dial again.”
― Kim Gatlin, Good Christian Bitches

“The Cinderella story in reverse. I only wish there were ashes in the fireplace so I could order you to sweep them out.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Ain't She Sweet?

“My momma always said, 'You and Elvis are pretty good, but y'all ain't no Chuck Berry.”
― Jerry Lee Lewis

“I hope you nail the bastard.â€�

So does he.”
― Nenia Campbell, Endgame

“The world had been divided into two parts that sought to annihilate each other because they both desired the same thing, namely the liberation of the oppressed, the elimination of violence, and the establishment of permanent peace.”
― Hermann Hesse, The Fairy Tales of Hermann Hesse

“But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me.”
― Kevin Hearne, Trapped

“I am not going to give you disclaimers about what you can expect to find in my story. I went through menopause recently and find I don't much care about anyone's sensibilities anymore. I am called BadSquirrel for a reason. Considering how incredibly rude and grouchy I have become, I expect all of you to be extremely grateful to the QMBG (Queen Mother Bitch Goddess for those of you who haven't kept up) for all of the good warm fuzzy bits of my story. If you like it, it's because she went through it and took out all the really disturbing parts and made me behave.”
― BadSquirrel, Warriors of the Heart

“I'm starting to feel like a character from one of these books”
― Christina Tetreault, The Teacher's Billionaire

“Religious people were big on saying "the tongue is a mighty weapon, so use it wisely," and then forsaking this claim when the music director slept with the minister's wife or when the youth minister did what he did.”
― Tiffany King, Miss Me Not

“The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.”
― Amy Goldman Koss, Side Effects

“Anyway, if the Cetagandans really wanted to assassinate you, they'd hardly do it here. They'd slip something subtle under your skin that wouldn't go off for six months, and then would drop you mysteriously and untraceably in your tracks”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, Cetaganda

“Once you hold the hand of Death, the only thing in life that can scare you is a sense of humor.”
― Lionel Suggs

“Seven pillars of wisdom propping the roof of the temple. Always remember what there's beyond the pillars.”
― Lara Biyuts

“I'm not saying you're weak, but you brawl like a couple of girls having a pillow fight.”
― Andrew Sturm, The Kirkwood Project

“Where did you find construction guys swapping dirty jokes in proto-Númenorean?â€� Aura asked.

“On construction sites. Is that coffee ready?”
― John Barnes, Raise the Gipper!

“Story Content Warning: There will be angst, sex, a little rough language and rampant lesbianism. If this is not your cup of tea, don't drink it. If you are not old enough to read this, you will be soon. It might be in your best interest to wait until you are older. If you live in a place where this is not legal... why are you still living there? Maybe it's time for you to move on.”
― BadSquirrel