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“Well, you know, I might try out for the musical," I say real quick.

[...] She nods and says, "You should. We need guys." [...] She smiles and says, "Break a leg" as I walk out.

That was uncalled for. "Bitch," I say under my breath as the door closes.”
― Brent Crawford, Carter Finally Gets It

“Ohhh, OH no you didn't!" he screams. "Nobody touches the TERRY!" Then he starts punching himself in he face. This kid really is crazy! I may not even have to fight him. He's doing it for me, and I'm winning!”
― Brent Crawford, Carter Finally Gets It

“EJ cries, "We've been best friends since kindergarten. You can't become a babe slayer and leave me in the dust! I don't have an older sister. I'm disadvantaged. All I got is Emmy, who can only drop preschool wisdom like, 'No pull Barbie's hair!'"

"That's probably some early girl wisdom. Nobody likes to get their hair pulled," I say. "Except this one chick in my porno; I think she's into it. I cant really tell, though. I wish they would slow down.”
― Brent Crawford, Carter Finally Gets It

“Carter: "Dude, I don't know why it works, it just does. [...] Just pretend you're not into 'em and then ask a question. What's the worst that could happen?"

EJ makes eye contact with the smallest one, off to the side. [...]
She looks up at EJ and gives him the nicest smile. He pulls the trigger and yells, "You think you're hot stuff, don't you?"

What the...? Where are you going with this?

"Excuse me?" she replies, kind of sweetly.
EJ asks, "You think you're cool, don't you? Where did you get that shirt, the Salvation Army? What the hell is with your hair?

My eyes are as big as basketballs as he fires one mean-ass question after another at her.

"You don't have a boyfriend, do you?" he continues.

It's like he's armed with self-esteem killer.

"Did your parents have any kids that lived?" EJ asks.

The girls starts to buckle, and tears are on the way.

"Are these your friends, or are they like, counselors here to observe you?" EJ shouts. [...]

He asks, "Does your grandma know you borrowed her shoes?" as I drag him away. The girl is crying pretty hard, and her friends are trying to console her. [...]

"Man, that didn't do very well. What do you think I did wrong?" EJ asks.
"Are you serious?" I ask
"I was just doing what you told me to," he replies.
"I-I-I told you to go up to that girl and start abusing her?" I ask.
"You said to ask her questions and pretend I didn't like her!" he yells back.
"Pretend YOU'RE NOT INTO HER!" I clarify. "Not that you hate her and wish she would die! Good God, that girl thought she was gonna get a boyfriend when you walked up, not years of therapy."
"Do you think I still have a shot?" he asks
"NO, I don't!" I bark”
― Brent Crawford, Carter Finally Gets It

“You did too! You stole my bike, A-HOLE!" I yell out. Jeez, I'm like a Chatty Cathy Doll: just pull my string and I'll say, "You stole my bike, A-HOLE!”
― Brent Crawford, Carter Finally Gets It

“Lynn looks up at him to see if he's serious. "What?" he asks her. "If anybody is gonna put Carter's head through the wall, it should be me."
EJ's eyes snap open, and he scoots away from me slowly. I'll remember this, Wingman!”
― Brent Crawford, Carter Finally Gets It