just the other day, i was thinking how i don’t really have a book i can claim as my favorite with my whole chest � then i picked this one u˗ˏˋ 5 � ˎˊ˗
just the other day, i was thinking how i don’t really have a book i can claim as my favorite with my whole chest � then i picked this one up. it was such a beautifully composed, unique, atmospheric story with stunning motifs and the loveliest cast of characters. eliasz and liska endeared themselves to me immediately with their complexities and consistent motivations and drives. i so genuinely cared for both of them, which is a huge testament to the author’s composition of them.
not to mention that i loved their romance so much. the subtlety, the yearning, the steady building of it � because they both had their own reasons to fear it but wanted each other so desperately. the flirty banter, the lingering looks, the disbelieving touches � both of them knowing how they feel, how the other feels, and the ratcheting tension of it. the way their mortal wounds healed one another with every interaction. (him comforting her!!! WHILE??!! kill me please that is one of my favorite microtropes.) the love as religious fervor, as worship, as blasphemy. and the ending was such a perfect culmination for all of it. there was no other conclusion that would have been simultaneously as rewarding and devastating to my wellbeing.
bars: � of women, he’s heard it said: “she will be the end of me,� or “she will be my undoing.� none of that is true for liska radost. she is not the end of anything, but the beginning of everything. he has been dead a long time, and she is his resurrection. � ”tell me how to save you.� [ . . . ] “i am already saved.� � ”you are my soul, liska radost. i lived seven hundred years to find you.� � ”i wish i could do it over,� he murmurs. “without secrets, without fear, without the demon between us.� � she is beautiful, and he is going to die for her.
soundtrack: � from eden � hozier � i bet on losing dogs � mitski � beautiful things � benson boone � cannon ball � damien rice...more
**spoiler alert** i feel RAVAGED by this fucking story. the extensive parallels between their past and their present. her having the exact same though**spoiler alert** i feel RAVAGED by this fucking story. the extensive parallels between their past and their present. her having the exact same thoughts about him without her memories intact as she had when she first met him. the way every choice they made was a reason for their situation and for hermione to hate draco, even down to her suggestion for the type of armor he should get and which wing of sussex she targeted. the way even their jokes (“should i wear stockings the next time i come?�), even their romance (“of course. i wouldn’t show you books you couldn’t touch.�) became weaponized against them alongside their fears. like she healed him, made him capable of all the dark magic he used, then hated him, feared him for that capability, all the while he had to listen to her pain and suffering and loathing. the way they are direct mirrors of each other, to the point where hermione’s response to near everything draco did that she had an issue with was to do the Exact Same Thing. the way because they are direct mirrors of each other, she suffered the same fate as his mother, a fate he tried desperately, so so desperately to avoid. like fuck for 90% of this i had a crippling stomach ache. a sacrifice herself to save the world x sacrifice the world to save her fic will never not get me.
for the whole story i thought draco would die, which would have been punchy and gut-wrenching, but after sitting with it, there is something so much worse about their ending. together, but never happy the way they deserve to be. never enjoying life in any meaningful way. together and alive, but crippled, manacled by their past. both too damaged by the war to ever function again. codependent, obsessive, isolated from the world she desperately sought to restore and he was destined never to know. if only they got away sooner. if only they ran sooner. if only she chose him sooner. then maybe they could have salvaged something of themselves. maybe he could learn who he might have been. but she couldn’t choose him until she was as broken as he was, broken enough to forego her ideals and abandon the world. even though choosing him sooner would have saved herself, saved them both. and they both knew that the whole time. they both have to know that for the rest of their lives.
i mean fuck now my crippling childhood obsession with draco malfoy has been rekindled and i’m adding a fanfic to my god tier bookshelf. can we be friends
eta: i mean fuck can you imagine what it felt like for draco when hermione finds out she’s pregnant and begs for her baby’s life the same way she begged for ginny’s right before leaving him. when he finds her in the hedge maze delirious and wounded and the only thing she can say is “malfoy always comes for me.� when he finally finds the love of his life after selling his soul searching for her and he has to brutalize her because if he doesn’t, everything they’ve fought for will be ruined. because voldemort can see it all and ’l (not even ٳ’l because he’s resigned to death) never be safe or free FUCK FUCK FUCK
also . the absolute female rage of “she was a non-active member of the order of the phoenix and did not fight.� i don’t think i’ll ever recover from this story. complex, believable, tragic perfection.
bars: � ”is that not enough? there are, undoubtedly, still unexplored depths to the potential misery between us. should we endeavor to achieve all of it?� � ”when you begged for a chance to heal me, i gave in. when you touched me, i didn’t push you away. i thought, where’s the harm? it all ends soon enough. life has been cold for such a long time.� � ”i’m sorry. i’m so sorry. i’ve ruined so much of this for you. let me give you this. let me show you what it’s supposed to be like.� � when he kissed her, it felt like the beginning of something that could be eternal. � ”you are so much more than what the war has made you into.� � ”you always said you couldn’t choose me over everyone else. i’m chained to a sinking ship. you cannot expect me to take you with me.� � someday i am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen....more
**spoiler alert** i am literally shell shocked right now. my whole ass chest is concave. i feel like a deflated balloon. this book was a 3.5-4 for me **spoiler alert** i am literally shell shocked right now. my whole ass chest is concave. i feel like a deflated balloon. this book was a 3.5-4 for me initially because i didn’t get into it (see also: appreciate it) until halfway through, but oh my god? now i want to bump other books i’ve rated a 5 this year down because they don’t compare. maybe that just makes this a 6??? nobody fucking warned me this was a romantic tragedy, aka i do not read even the marketing blurb about a book because i’m so reticent of spoilers. i sobbed like a baby for the whole last chapter and epilogue —� very song of achilles coded.
this book is literally what i imagine experiencing a shakespearean tragedy to have been like when it was first ever performed. i have been fundamentally changed. and i think it takes an incredibly, incredibly skilled author to start off with the ending of a book and still weave a tale that had me inconsolably heartbroken. there was no other ending than this perfectly tragic, ambiguous ending we’ve been given. the whole story led up to it with exquisite, believable tension —� the violence / love, the unbearable fragility, the ultimately futile martyrdom, the suicide. just a beautiful, haunting composition. the added tragedy of the love that could have been between meredith and oliver if james never existed, if james weren’t still alive* is just another amazing layer. i don’t even think i have the correct words to express my love for this book, but i needed to get them down.
*ik this is the unanswered question, but there’s no way james writes to oliver in their group’s codespeak to reference a crucial moment in their love story from a character who faked their own death without it being true that he’s alive. HOWEVER, i just read analysis that even if he is alive, this was his way of telling oliver that the james he knew and loved is indeed dead, and the one that has survived is no longer recognizable. i keep thinking back to james saying how he could never quite return to himself after a role and it hurts so so bad good
bars: ”why?� “you know why.� my next line was meant for him, but i said it to james instead. “worthy prince, i know’t.� what were we, then? in ten years i have not found an adequate word to describe us. “so did i. so did he. i’m sorry.� “i never wanted you to look at me the way you’re looking at me right now.�...more
when i finished six of crows, i was mad that i waited so long to read it after shadow & bone. now that i’ve finished cro˗ˏˋ 5 � ˎˊ˗ (some spoilers !!)
when i finished six of crows, i was mad that i waited so long to read it after shadow & bone. now that i’ve finished crooked kingdom, i’m mad it took me so long to get through it because of work. when YA lit is done right, it really is done right. what a triumphant, emotive, heart-wrenching tale bardugo wove with this duology. it feels so wholly complete, from start to finish. the characterization of each member of the cast was done with such care that it made all of the complex relationships between them that much more fulfilling. the characters sprung from the pages, like i was actually in the room with them when they bantered with one another. all of their schemes are exhilarating to read � deadass got me feelin like jesper every time. i’m glad i finally took the plunge to read them. onto king of scars & rule of wolves ?¿?¿?
bars: � “i would come for you. and if i couldn’t walk, i’d crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we’d fight our way out together—knives drawn, pistols blazing. because that’s what we do. we never stop fighting.� � i have been made to protect you. his duty to his god, his duty to nina. maybe they were the same thing. � this was the kiss he’d been waiting for. � he wanted to � he wanted. � “i have been made to protect you. even in death, i will find a way.�...more
⋆˚✧ sabrina ✧｡�
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