If I Had Your Face is a book I wish I had more to say about. As a whole, I was hoping for a lot more depth and introspection on the issues discussed iIf I Had Your Face is a book I wish I had more to say about. As a whole, I was hoping for a lot more depth and introspection on the issues discussed in the book, but the novel simply felt too short, instead simply grazing over the topics it wants to discuss.
Not a book I will remember much about after reading, which is a bit of a shame....more
”Sometimes happiness arrives one night too late. The thought occurred to me as I lay there. You wait and wait for happiness, and when finally you can'”Sometimes happiness arrives one night too late. The thought occurred to me as I lay there. You wait and wait for happiness, and when finally you can't bear it any longer, you rush out of the house, only to hear later that a marvelous happiness arrived the following day at the home you had abandoned, and now it was too late. Sometimes happiness arrives one night too late.�
I was a sad kid. I think a part of me will always be that sad kid because this novel touched such a deep, guttural part of me that I had to just sit in silence and stare into the distance once I finished it.
Schoolgirl is a short novella which follows a day in the life of an unnamed teenage girl, giving us insight into 1930’s Japanese culture/society and her own insecurities/anxieties. Osamu Dazai does a phenomenal job with putting us into this girl’s head and feeling the pain of adolescence and girlhood alongside her, which is something I could heavily relate to as an AFAB individual. I have to wonder if he asked women in his life for their own experiences to help him in writing this novella.
The only critique I find myself having is regarding a specific passage on page 56. In this scene, our protagonist sees an "ugly" woman on the bus home from school and meditates on the following:
�. . . Women are disgusting. Being female, I am all too familiar with the impurity found in women, it sets my teeth on edge with repulsion. It’s as if that unbearable raw stench that clings to you after playing with goldfish has spread all over your body, and you wash and wash but you can’t get rid of it. Day after day, it’s like this, until you realize that the she-oder has begun to emanate from your own body as well . . .�
I read a lot of classics, so I am very used to outdated language and ideas. However, the problem is that there are still people out there who think in this way, and it made me feel uncomfortable to read this supposed woman be incredibly misogynistic towards other women without any seeming “reason� or alignment with what we’ve seen of her character so far. She’s self-defeating and negative, yes, but her direct hatred for women in this feels unnatural for what we’ve seen so far; to me, it feels like Dazai’s own bias leaked into the writing, which broke my immersion just a little bit.
As a whole, however, this novella is amazing. It feels like I’m taking a look back on my own time in high school or reading one of my many old journals. The narrative � aside from the random sexism � feels very realistic and authentic.
Our experiences in early childhood and adolescence frame how we will interact within the world for the rest of our lives. With chronic hopelessness being such a common theme in adolescence, I have to wonder if that is one of the reasons why the world is the way it is.
”Tomorrow will probably be another day like today. Happiness will never come my way. I know that. But it's probably best to go to sleep believing that it will surely come, tomorrow it will come.�...more
I wanted to immediately start off this review by saying that despite my high rating, I fully understand the implications of a villainous monster charaI wanted to immediately start off this review by saying that despite my high rating, I fully understand the implications of a villainous monster character being used as a tool for queerness and sexuality. There is much discourse over whether Le Fanu truly intended to write a sapphic love story and simply had to hide it by making the more explicitly stated lesbian character "evil", or if he was purposefully utilizing this tool as a way to paint lesbians in a predatory and negative light. Whether or not you believe he had good intentions, it is up to us as modern readers to recontextualize these sorts of narratives and find our own meaning in them.
Anyways, with that out of the way: Carmilla.
As someone suffering from a chronic obsession with vampires, I was more than excited to read a book about vampires predating the more "popular" vampire stories, especially a story which was so explicitly queer for 1872. I was really not expecting for the queerness to be so evident, but I'm glad it was! It made for such an interesting read.
This was one of the more easier classics I've read both due to how short it was and how simple the writing style was. I wouldn't call it anything super spectacular when it came to description, but it served its purpose for a book that was heavy on dialogue. Speaking of which, I thought the dialogue was particularly great, especially when it came to more of the romantic passages:
"' . . . if your dear heart is wounded, my wild heart bleeds with yours. In the rapture of my enormous humiliation I live in your warm life, and you shall die � die, sweetly die � into mine. I cannot help it; as I draw near to you, you, in your turn, will draw near to others, and learn the rapture of that cruelty, which yet is love; so, for a while, seek to know no more of me and mine, but trust me with all your loving spirit.' And when she had spoken such a rhapsody, she would press me more closely in her trembling embrace, and her lips in soft kisses gently glow upon my cheek" (Le Fanu, Machado, 35).
The relationship between Carmilla and Laura was so interesting to me, I genuinely did not want to stop reading to see what would happen next. I loved Carmilla as a character and - just as Laura did - found her polarizing nature to be nothing short of mesmerizing. Maybe it was because I already knew she was a vampire, but I certainly found her to be the most interesting character of the cast and (spoilers) (view spoiler)[found the twist near the end of the novella to make her that much more compelling! (hide spoiler)]
Speaking of the ending, (view spoiler)[I loved the foreshadowing throughout the novella and the atmospheric tension which built all the way up to the end of the narrative. The sickness spreading throughout the town was tied back to Carmilla in a way I genuinely wasn't expecting, and it made me sympathize with her plight even more; she was just looking for a girlfriend that she never got to have in life (at least by my interpretation). (hide spoiler)]
The only major issue I had was also with how the ending felt. (view spoiler)[Not only did it feel rushed, but I really began to understand why some people interpreted Le Fanu's intentions as insidious ones. In a lot of classic queer tales, the narrative needed to end in tragedy without the author's endangering themselves by "promoting" homosexuality and other types of queerness, but a culmination of all the novella's themes did really make it feel as though Le Fanu was pushing for the "predatory lesbian" route. All of the men surrounding Laura condemn Carmilla and, therefore, the relationship between the two women, with Laura just accepting this as fact with not much thought. (hide spoiler)]
Despite the problems with the narrative towards the end, I really enjoyed the novella. If you don't have a lot of extra time but still want to keep up with reading, definitely give Carmilla a try! I will definitely be thinking about this story for a long time....more
For a classic dystopian novel revolving around such an interesting concept, I found myself disappointed regarding how satisfied I felt after finishingFor a classic dystopian novel revolving around such an interesting concept, I found myself disappointed regarding how satisfied I felt after finishing. I believe that while the ideas which are communicated within this book are ones that I understand and may agree with to a certain extent, I felt relatively bored while reading this novel. I didn't hate it with every fiber of my being, but neither did I feel particularly invested or interconnected to the characters.
The idea that "knowledge should not be censored" is prevalent throughout the story, but I do not believe that books were the most accurate or realistic ways to communicate these ideas. There would certainly be those - such as myself - who would be outraged by a countrywide banning of books, though I cannot see the sorts of drastic and intense reactions to these new laws occur by so many people in real life as what is portrayed in Fahrenheit 451. I found myself being pulled out of the story by the general absurdity, and while I understand that this is the intent and is supposed to be dystopian, I just do not see a logical conclusion regarding such a mass banning of books. Then again, maybe I'm wrong.
I also found myself not enjoying Montag's character nor finding him too incredibly interesting. Montag is intended to be a fireman who slowly begins to question if what he is doing in regards to destroying books is right, but I just didn't see him as that great of an individual; while I love flawed characters, it didn't feel as though certain drawbacks regarding who he is were done intentionally or well, and I found myself wondering: "Why am I supposed to feel excited or connected to him realizing his position in society as wrong?" I think I would have liked to see someone like Mildred as the protagonist as I would find that far more interesting of a narrative - or, hell, even Clarisse!
Speaking of Clarisse, I found her and Faber to be the most interesting characters in this story. I felt that Clarisse and Faber were a lot more realistic caricatures of those who live in a dystopian society such as this; Clarisse is a girl who comes across as stupid or naive, but proves to be far more enlightened and intelligent in regards to the society she lives in, and is very self-aware to the fact that there has to be something more to life than her current way of living. Meanwhile, Faber is an older man who used to be a professor before book bannings and academic restrictions began to take place, and I thought that while he was certainly cowardice, it was much more of a realistic take than Montag's brash and fiery (no pun intended) ways of responding to situations.
I think I would have enjoyed this book a lot more if Montag was a more likable character and if the writing didn't feel so all or nothing. I either felt like I was reading a narrative akin to "this happened and then this happened" or I was being completely drowned in symbolism and motifs. Again, it wasn't a horrendous read, just...alright....more
"Romantic love has been diluted into paperback form and has sold thousands and millions of copies. Somewhere it is still in the original, written on t"Romantic love has been diluted into paperback form and has sold thousands and millions of copies. Somewhere it is still in the original, written on tablets of stone. I would cross seas and suffer sunstroke and give away all I have, but not for a man, because they want to be the destroyer and never the destroyed. That is why they are unfit for romantic love."
Deeply impassioned and beautiful writing style with just as stunning passages. However, the story dragged towards the middle and I found myself skimming at parts. I understand why this novel was so controversial during its initial release, but it's nothing incredibly shocking or bold by today's standards (in my opinion)....more
He was pale. "You are the one who keeps talking about *what* I want. But I have only been talking about *who* I want." "But I'm a man," I cried, "a manHe was pale. "You are the one who keeps talking about *what* I want. But I have only been talking about *who* I want." "But I'm a man," I cried, "a man! What do you think can *happen* between us?" "You know very well," said Giovanni slowly, "what can happen between us. It is for that reason you are leaving me."
4.5 stars.
A heartbreaking tale set in 1950's Paris told from the perspective of an American man named David, and how him falling in love with the Italian Giovanni permanently wrecks his life. It tells the cautionary tale as to what can happen when we reject the most intrinsic aspects of ourselves and who we truly are as human beings - and how this impacted men in the context of a post-war homosexuality scare.
Giovanni's room - not the title of the book, but the room that Giovanni lives in - symbolizes completely different things for the two men who reside within it. For David, it is a place filled with uncertainty and grime directly correlated to his internalized homophobia, while for Giovanni, it is the one place he no longer feels isolated in (view spoiler)[before David discards him, leaving him alone once more. (hide spoiler)]
The prose and symbolism within this novel is brilliant, and does more in 169 pages than some authors are capable of doing in their entire career. It deeply saddens me how relevant this novel still is in the modern-day queer landscape, but it is a reality that we cannot afford to turn away from.
"Somebody," Jacques said, "your father or mine, should have told us that not many people have ever died of love. But multitudes have perished, and are perishing every hour - and in the oddest places! - for the lack of it."...more
Every once in awhile, there's a book so powerful and relatable where I just have to sit there and think, "This feels like it was written just for me."Every once in awhile, there's a book so powerful and relatable where I just have to sit there and think, "This feels like it was written just for me."
This is one of those books.
My Dark Vanessa follows the dual-timeline narrative of the fifteen-year old and adult versions of Vanessa Wye, struggling to come to terms with the fact that she was abused by her ex-English teacher, Jacob Strane. She denies that the situation was abuse and instead was just a misunderstood romance, and the narrative allows us to come along with her as we learn the story of her grooming and how she copes when other survivors of Strane's abuse come out and encourage her to do the same.
Kate Elizabeth Russell does a stellar job at realistically depicting victims of sexual abuse and grooming as well as the complexities behind the #MeToo movement and how it can be taken advantage of by seedy, money-hungry journalists. We see Vanessa's denial, Vanessa's sorrow, her confusion, her dissociation, her anger: she wants to hate him deep down, but she loves and can't live without him. She blames herself, because nothing could possibly be the fault of Strane. He loves her, doesn't she?
She's different. She's special.
Additionally, I really appreciate how we see the "darker," less socially acceptable coping methods some victims go through, which can include blaming other victims or thinking they "asked for it" to protect themselves and their own personal narrative of true love and romance. We see how she tries to make herself yearn for the abuse, we see her reaching out towards other older men or attempting to view other younger girls through the lens that Strane saw her. It's painful and hard to listen to, but it's real.
If you are in the proper head space, I encourage other survivors of abuse to read this book. It's hard to read, hard to stomach and get through, but it is the most realistic depiction of CSA and grooming that I have read in a very long time. Russell has definitely earned a new starry-eyed fan....more
"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, an"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."
Oh, Sylvia Plath!
I've been so excited yet nervous to delve into Plath's portfolio as I have never been one for poetry. Thus, I decided to give her only novel a try for my final novel read of 2022, and I am so glad I did. Nothing could have been more perfect or appropriately timed for me to read like The Bell Jar.
Despite this novel first being published back in 1963, it is still incredibly relevant to the current climate of mental illness and the state of psychological care for those in crisis, which is both impressive and unfortunate. The story contains the biographical account of Plath's life whilst living in New York at the start of an intense mental breakdown she would experience over the coming year, all hidden behind the pseudonym of her fictionalized self: Esther.
I have heard many reviewers of this novel criticize how Esther thinks and acts, describing her as being incredibly selfish and almost "bratty", choosing to blame her mental illness on everyone else in her life, and almost as if she were expressing her depression and mental state dramatically. However, upon hearing these criticisms, I developed an even deeper understanding of how others who may not have the same sort of mental illness view those of us who are ill.
While Plath was diagnosed with many mental illnesses in her lifetime, it is nonetheless certain that she at least suffered from some form of major depressive disorder. Whether she also suffered from bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or any other mental illness is not something I think is necessarily relevant or always appropriate to discuss - especially because she has long since passed - as much as the fact that she was a woman who suffered from some form of mental illness is.
It has long been stereotyped that women are much more "dramatic" or "hyper-emotional" in comparison to men as a way to oppress women and dismiss the relevance of their pain. This certainly seemed to be a major factor that played into the continuous escalation of Esther's (who I will now simply refer to as Plath herself) mental collapse, with dismissive doctors not taking her claims seriously and subjecting her to electroconvulsive therapy, and when she finally attempts to take her own life, continue to still not take her seriously and almost seeing her as a burden.
Plath has always been a tragic caricature to me, but it makes me even sadder to see people continuously either not take her seriously after her death or make jokes about her suicide. I do not think that Plath was a perfect person when she was in a mental spiral, but that is exactly what mental illness does to you: it changes the way you think and react to situations around you in ways you normally would not. Therefore, I think her choice to include these objectively "selfish" thoughts and comments within her narrative show her self-awareness and maturity as both a person and a writer.
Nonetheless, I am glad that I decided to read this book whilst I am also attempting mental health recovery and struggling to fight against self-sabotage. Even if it is an "older" novel, it is still very much a genuine cry from somewhere deep and guttural within Plath. It is something many others with mental illness can, unfortunately, relate to and feel comforted within this understanding. I just wish that Plath would have been able to truly recover as many others have, and it is truly sad that she was unable to....more
"When the darkest part of you meets the darkest part of me, it creates light."
...Well, that didn't last long.
I love heterosexual drama, just not in re"When the darkest part of you meets the darkest part of me, it creates light."
...Well, that didn't last long.
I love heterosexual drama, just not in real life. This might sound silly, but in fiction, I find it to be such an interesting world to explore that I am not at all familiar with, watching as a couple gets jealous and argues over things I never have been privileged enough to become upset about. It's escapist enough to not make me think about my own life, but real enough to help me understand dynamics which I will (hopefully) never live out.
I'm so glad that I decided to read this book while in college rather than high school; the younger characters in this novel feel like people I'd meet in morning classes over half-finished homework and cups of coffee, while the older characters feel like either flawed mentors I've met in my own life or complex, destructive men I've found myself thirsting over (sorry, Mom, if you're reading this).
The point I'm getting at is the characters in this novel forced me to analyze not only myself and my social group, but how we - as people - interact with the world based on our social class, race, sex, body types, and the upbringings we had. It was much more than the destruction of just one central relationship, but the toxicity that festered deep within their relationship which then seeps out into everyone around them to make them just as miserable: a phenomenon which is incredibly real.
While I wish there was more focus put on the side characters (especially Zoe and Quentin), the entire cast felt incredibly real and fleshed out. I found a lot of people being put off by Cleo's quirky art nerd schtick, but I think that cringe and uncomfortability made her feel even more like an authentic person, just as the off-putting qualities found in Frank do the same for him. Zoe's disgust at her brother marrying someone her own age and the questions she had around her own body and femininity felt very authentic, and Quentin's confusion around how his sexuality and gender intersect together were incredibly relatable (though definitely was not represented enough).
And then there's Eleanor, the fan favorite. The two chapters she narrated were a joy to read, and I felt so deeply for her in the pain she was feeling. In all honesty, I do not have much to say as I believe (view spoiler)[her romantic arc with Frank and Cleo's jealousy that she got the "healthy" version of him (hide spoiler)] is something which one needs to experience on their own.
The only issues I had with this book were how the middle dragged quite a bit as well as the novel itself feeling just a bit too long. Additionally, I wish we got more perspective from the side characters (though we did get quite a substantial amount, so maybe it's just me) as it felt it was lacking for certain characters and was sloppily tried to made up for at random points.
I want to end off my review with what is likely my favorite scene in the entire book. If you are young and have not read much introspective, character-centric literature, I would recommend this book to you.
(view spoiler)[
"'No,' she said. 'I have no one.' . . . 'You have me,' he said. He let his hand cup her shoulder. She shrugged it off. Pity. She could hear it in his voice. Pity for her, the orphan suicide. She might be alone, but she still had her pride. 'I don't want you,' she said. She did not see Frank wince. When he did speak, his voice was hard. 'I'll get out of your life then,' he said. She didn't turn around."(hide spoiler)]...more
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