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The thing I DON'T like about reviewing books from my very favorite authors is that I always find myself praising the same things like a broken record. So, by the time I'm writing a fourth review for an author, I barely talk about the book at all, and instead keep myself entertained by writing something ridiculous. (See my review of Blood Meridian, which I would link to if I weren't technologically handicapped.)

So let's get the boring part out of the way right now: in this book, Mieville is every bit as inventive as usual, with fantastical ideas lying all over the place like you're wandering a junk shop in the Twilight Zone. His prose is always terrific, and this book is no exception. The characters aren't as developed as they were in The Scar or Perdido Street Station, but they're stronger than the characters in The City and The City.

That's my review of Un Lun Dun. Now we're gonna talk about what you REALLY want to hear about: cage matches. First up is the middleweight match between Joe Abercrombie and R. Scott Bakker for the New Gritty Fantasy Belt. Our second match will be Jeff Vandermeer and China Mieville, battling for that New Weird Belt. Then, in a totally politically incorrect move, we have a match for the Epic Belt between George R R Martin and zombie Robert Jordan.

Match 1

Bakker is in the red corner, looking pale, devilish and Canadian. Joe Abercrombie is bouncing, his fists up, looking like he was out too late last night at the pub.
Bakker rushes in, swinging his big badass barbarian character with all he's worth. Abercrombie is too quick, and, using his equally-nuanced barbarian that actually has a complete character arc, pitches Bakker across the ring. Bakker, gritty as always, tries to climb to his feet. Abercrombie, not quite matching Bakker's grit, tries to elbow-drop Bakker and misses, rolling around and clutching his arm.
Bakker climbs to the top of the ropes and, flying through the air with his excellent war combat scenes ready to crush Abercrombie, suddenly realizes that Abercrombie's combat scenes move too quickly for him! Now, it's Abercrombie who is rolling out of the way, and Bakker is on his face again. Abercrombie stands up and starts stomping the back of Bakker's head with the stark and grim conclusion of The First Law Trilogy, knowing Bakker doesn't have any resolution to defend himself with...
But, oh, snap! Scott Lynch is running in from the sidelines with a chair! He's coming, he's coming, he's...oh, he made a strong start, but now he just stopped and unfolded the chair, sitting down in it.
Abercrombie has Bakker pinned....one, two, three! This match is over, Abercrombie jumping up and down and shouting something cockney.

Match 2

Jeff Vandermeer is in the red corner, looking small and pear-shaped in comparison to the buff, pierced and bald Mieville in the blue corner. Mieville lets out a fierce war cry, rushing in with Perdido Street Station's melding of sci fi and fantasy, brutally knocking Vandermeer against the post. Jeff Vandermeer raises gracefully to his feet and pommels Mieville about the chest and neck with a clever contrast of fantastic elements in City of Saints and Madmen. Mieville laughs and shouts, "Bullocks, little man! I've got TWO cities in one title!" Then he headbutts Vandermeer back to the mat purely on the strength of The Scar. Vandermeer isn't even moving! Uh, oh, now Mieville is stomping again and again on on Vandermeer's chest with a barrage of novels and novels and novels in every concievable genre...OH, NO, it's The Sex & The City & The City! It's UnLondon Calling, his spoken word punk poetry album! It's 3:10 to Perdido Street Station, a fantasy western musical!
Vandermeer is dead! Mieville is drinking his blood! Where did this guy come from? Is he human? Well, either way, he's still the New Weird Champion.

Match 3

Martin is in the red corner, looking like Gimli the dwarf, his jolly beard sitting upon his pot belly, which shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. Zombie Jordan is walking slowly across the mat, generating some energy with Conan spinoff novels. He's moving in..slowly...slowly...
Martin doesn't look like he knows where he is or what he's doing! Ohmigod, he's writing mediocre science fiction! He's spending too much time at cons! Doesn't he know this is the Epic Fantasy Belt on the line? What's going to happen?
Jordan attacks with his vicious spin-kicking Eye of the World! It's a weak strike, but Martin's just taking it! Oh, The Great Hunt bodyslam! Martin's just lying there, writing episodes of "Beauty and the Beast" and "The Twilight Zone"! What's wrong with him? He's not even moving! Another dropkick from Jordan! He's grabbed Martin's beard and he's swinging him around by it! He's tossed him into the ropes, and now, with book 5 in the series, Jordan's still drubbing him about the face and neck but can't seem to finish this thing off! He's just going on and on redundantly!
Out of nowhere, Martin knees Jordan right in the magical items! Oh, he's clubbing him with A Game of Thrones again and again! Jordan doesn't know where he is! He's writing a whole book without including the protagonist! What on earth is he thinking?
A Storm of Swords! A Feast For Crows! What's Martin doing? He has zombie Jordan on the mat, almost re-deaded, and now he's just running around the ring and editing collections!

18 years pass...

Finally, Martin is climbing up to the top rope, about to premier his new signature move, The Dance With Dragons! Here it comes...Oh, no. Martin had a heart attack and has fallen to the mat, motionless. Neither one of them is moving. This can't be happening! Oh, they're putting the Epic Fantasy Belt back in Tolkien's coffin! I never saw that one coming.