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Carmen's Reviews > The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz
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bookshelves: non-fiction, traditionally-published, he-says, mexican-author, published1997

Every human is a magician, and we can either put a spell on someone with our word or we can release someone from a spell. We cast spells all the time with our opinions. An example: I see a friend and give him an opinion that just popped into my mind. I say, "Hmmm! I see that kind of color in your face in people who are going to get cancer." If he listens to the word, and if he agrees, he will have cancer in less than one year. That is the power of the word.

This book is what my mother would have called "woo-woo."

Ah, you mean it's sexy!

LOL No, not that kind of woo-woo. 'Woo-woo' meaning really 'out there' or 'hippie-dippie' or whatever people would call New Age stuff nowadays.

That being said, I think the author's heart is in the right place and I think he touches on some very good topics and advice. He's basically teaching the reader Buddhism. He doesn't put it that way, but... *shrug*

I'm going to try to boil this down for you and strip out the woo-woo so you can really understand what Ruiz is getting at.

He is basically saying that you should live your life by four agreements:

1.) Be impeccable with your word. This means, basically, don't gossip, spread venom, or hurt others with your words. Because words are powerful and they can really damage people.

Not only are you damaging other people with your hateful/thoughtless words, but you are damaging yourself.

I basically agree with this, although when the author (in the paragraph I opened this review with) basically says I have the power to give people cancer, I am a bit skeptical. o.O
...


2.) Don't take anything personally. People insulting you or trying to make you feel like shit (and sometimes succeeding) are really fucked-up. They are not pointing to you and calling you stupid/ugly/fat/etc. because you really ARE stupid/ugly/fat but because they are fucked-up inside and therefore they are saying hateful things and looking at the world in a skewed way.

Laugh it off. Brush that dirt off your shoulder. Don't take what people say to you personally. It really has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

I don't FULLY agree with this, but I think in general it's a great concept. Very difficult to do, though. I think it would take a lot of practice to reach this level of zen.

"Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. If they tell you how wonderful you are, they are not saying that because of you. You know you are wonderful. It is not necessary to believe other people who tell you that you are wonderful. Don't take ANYTHING personally. Even if someone got a gun and shot you in the head, it was nothing personal. Even at that extreme.

See? Look at this paragraph, which basically is how the whole book goes. This first part I agree with: you are wonderful. Other people telling you 'you are wonderful' is to be ignored, because you should KNOW you are wonderful and not be dependent on other people's praise of you.

I've already got that and agree with it. Great point.

But then he brings up this 'shooting you in the head' thing. I mean, o.O Yes, I guess you shouldn't take it personally... SINCE IT'S HARD TO TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY WHEN YOU'RE DEAD.

I don't know, I feel like the author is sometimes taking this too far.
...


3.) Don't make assumptions. Communicate with other people. Don't date/marry people expecting they'll change - or wanting them to change. Love other people for who they are.

Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them.

Yes, I already know this and live it. Let me explain to you my philosophy.

For example, I don't date smokers. It would be very bad form of me to see a man I liked, respected, was attracted to - and decide to date him, KNOWING that he smokes. This wouldn't be okay. Because I don't like smoking, and I would be unhappy - even if the man was all other good things: sweet, funny, kind, smart etc. Therefore I refuse to date smokers - no matter how sweet and cute they are - because I know I would end up miserable and making the man miserable. A smoker can be my FRIEND, I have friends who smoke - everything is fine. But once you make it into a romantic relationship it's a no-go. I'm not into nagging and I avoid dating men who I would end up nagging.

This goes for everything. If you are the kind of vegan who is really, viscerally upset by people eating meat, don't date a meat-eater. If you only like thin, skinny women who jog - don't date a sweet, smart, funny fat woman and expect her to change. If you marry a man who is lazy, guess what? He is still going to be lazy after you are married. You nagging him 24/7 is not going to make him any less lazy. The only thing that will change is that you will both be miserable.

I can't tell you how many of my friends I've seen suffer horribly trying to please someone who allegedly 'loves' them. If you love someone, you don't try to change them into something they're not.

So although I'm wording this a lot differently than Ruiz, I basically agree with him. And communication is the key. You have to nip that shit in the bud. For instance, if you are a fat woman, and you are dating a man, the first time the man pulls some shit about your weight you have to shut that down. For instance, he suggests you order a salad as your meal or he asks you 'Are you sure you want seconds?' or he, out of the blue with no encouragement from you, buys you a gym membership or some shit, you have to step up and make it clear how things are going to be. Be like, "Look at me. I'm fat (or 'x size, or plus-size, or curvy or whatever you call it). That's not going to change. Either accept it and enjoy it, or get the fuck out of my life." Okay, maybe don't say 'fuck.' But you know what I mean.

I would even go so far as to state this up front BEFORE he pulls any shit. You can be gentle, but make it clear that what you see is what you get.

Goes for anything. Steak-lovers dating vegans/vegetarians, people who have high-paying jobs dating people with low-paying jobs, people who love fashion dating people who wear sweats every second they are not at work, people who love playing sports dating people who think sports are boring, etc. etc. etc. etc. If you are trying to change your lover than you don't really love him/her.

This 'assumptions' thing is all about communication. It could be "That man smiled at me. He must have a crush on me!" when really he's just friendly. Or "Susie didn't return my call yesterday. She must be angry with me or not like me anymore!" Maybe she just had her phone on silent. Don't assume stuff. Instead, ask people questions and get their thoughts. Don't jump to conclusions.
...

4.) Always do your best. Rather self-explanatory (you'd think) but I got kind of muddled in this section.

For instance, Ruiz says

Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward. Most people do exactly the opposite: They only take action when they expect a reward, and they don't enjoy the action. And that's the reason they don't do their best.

Which sounds like he's saying, "Do a job/career you love. You should love going to work every day." And that is a nice, great concept, but I don't know how realistic this is. Just saying. Ruiz says:

For example, most people go to work every day just thinking of payday, and the money they will get from the work they are doing. They can hardly wait for Friday or Saturday, whatever day they receive their money and can take time off. They are working for the reward, and as a result they resist work. They try to avoid the action and it becomes more difficult, and they don't do their best.

They work so hard all week long, suffering the work, suffering the action, not because they like to, but because they feel they have to. They have to work because they have to pay the rent, because they have to support their family. They have all that frustration, and when they do receive their money they are unhappy. They have two days to rest, to do what they want to do, and what do they do? They try to escape. They get drunk because they don't like themselves. They don't like their life.


Okay, again, I agree with Ruiz - but I don't see him offering any kind of practical advice or alternative. Yes, tons of people - most people, I'd say - have jobs they don't enjoy. What are you gonna do? Not everyone can be an author! (At least, an author who earns a living wage.) I don't really feel like this section was very helpful.
...

What is in the book besides these Four Agreements?

A lot of bullshit about how people are stars, we are all connected and everyone should love everyone. Some weird talk about 'being a warrior' which was not really explained and did nothing but confuse me. And some prayers that I didn't feel were particularly inspiring.

...

GREAT LINES

"No human can condemn another to hell because we are already there."

"That is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have."

"Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves."

...


Another interesting thing is that Ruiz seems to have this idea:

We talk to ourselves constantly and most of the time we say things like, "Oh, I look fat, I look ugly. I am getting old, I'm losing my hair. I'm stupid, I never understand anything. I will never be good enough and I am never going to be perfect."

I've read about 85 books with this idea in it and I have to tell you it is a foreign concept to me. I never talk to myself this way. NEVER. If there are people who talk to themselves that way, I feel very sorry for them. :( I mean, other people are bad enough, I can't imagine putting YOURSELF through this kind of hell. I guess I'm lucky, because my kind of self-talk seems to be very positive and encouraging, and I think it has to be, because life is very rough. I can't imagine being an enemy to yourself like this.

Perhaps this is in so many books because it is 'normal?' Gosh, I hope not. Please, if you are the kind of person who puts yourself down, try and stop this. :( The world is such that sometimes you are the only friend you have, and if you talk to yourself like this, then that means you don't even like YOURSELF, and that is very horrible. :( Be your own friend. Be kind to yourself - because you can't count on other people being kind to you.
...

Well, that's it. I hope this review wasn't too 'woo-woo' for anyone, I tried to be real.

Pretty good concepts, although sometimes I felt that Ruiz either a.) took it too far, and b.) didn't really offer you any solutions for things he said you should avoid. A short, quick read.
...

P.S. I would just like to note that this book reads as if a 10-year-old had written it. This is not a compliment, I'm not saying, "Oh, this was easily accessible to the reader," what I'm saying is that this book has juvenile writing and it is as if you are reading something your nine-year-old wrote in English class. o.O This is no The Prophet, is what I'm saying. o.O
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Reading Progress

May 16, 2015 – Started Reading
May 16, 2015 – Shelved
May 16, 2015 –
page 1
0.71% "Now, don Miguel Ruiz, a nagual from the Eagle Knight lineage, has been guided to share with us the powerful teachings of the Toltec.

Great, the author is talking about himself in the third person. That's a bad sign."
May 16, 2015 –
page 14
10.0% "No human can condemn another to hell because we are already there.

Well, that's true."
May 16, 2015 –
page 17
12.14% "That is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have.

Also true."
May 16, 2015 –
page 29
20.71% "Every human is a magician, and we can either put a spell on someone with our word or we can release someone from a spell. We cast spells all the time with our opinions. An example: I see a friend and give him an opinion that just popped into my mind. I say, "Hmmm! I see that kind of color in your face in people who are going to get cancer." If he listens to the word, and if he agrees, he will have cancer in less"
May 16, 2015 –
page 32
22.86% "If I see you in the street and I call you stupid, it appears that I am using the word against you. But really I'm using my word against myself, because you're going to hate me for this, and your hating me is not good for me. Therefore, if I get angry and with my word send all that emotional poison to you, I'm using the word against myself.

Again, um."
May 16, 2015 –
page 42
30.0% "We talk to ourselves constantly and most of the time we say things like, "Oh, I look fat, I look ugly. I am getting old, I'm losing my hair. I'm stupid, I never understand anything. I will never be good enough and I am never going to be perfect."

I'm kind of confused as to why all authors seem to think this stream of venom is what's going on in people's minds. I NEVER say things like this to myself. NEVER."
May 16, 2015 –
page 48
34.29% "Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.

Mostly true? Kind of true?"
May 16, 2015 –
page 53
37.86% "Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. If they tel you how wonderful you are, they are not saying that because of you. You know you are wonderful. It is not necessary to believe other people who tell you that you are wonderful. Don't take ANYTHING personally. Even if someone got a gun and shot you in the head, it was nothing personal. Even at that extreme.

o.O"
May 16, 2015 –
page 70
50.0% "Real love is accepting other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change them, this means we don't really like them.

Agree."
May 16, 2015 –
page 79
56.43% "Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward. Most people do exactly the opposite: They only take action when they expect a reward, and they don't enjoy the action. And that's the reason they don't do their best."
May 16, 2015 – Finished Reading

Comments Showing 1-21 of 21 (21 new)

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message 1: by Caroline (last edited May 16, 2015 10:17PM) (new)

Caroline A wonderful review....and I agree totally with your reservations.

"Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you're expecting a reward. Most people do exactly the opposite: They only take action when they expect a reward, and they don't enjoy the action. And that's the reason they don't do their best." Grrrrrr! I hate gardening, but I like my garden looking nice. I hate housework but I like my house looking tidy. The only thing I really enjoy the process of is using Photoshop, and whilst I went through a stage of doing that for about 10 hours a day - it really isn't practical.... Oh and I enjoy stuff with friends of course - always give my best there :O)


Carmen Yeah, I agree. I don't think Ruiz thought this one through thoroughly. o.O


message 3: by Eric (new)

Eric Plume @Carmen: Great review, and like Caroline I agree with your reservations.

I haven't read this, but from your review it sounds like Ruiz has the same problem a lot of wanna-be "self help" authors have; it is best stated as "I can do this, so you can too."

I often compare life problems to an engine block getting randomly left in one's living room; as in, an ugly and unwanted thing suddenly appearing in your space. Self-help books are often akin to people who say "oh, getting rid of that is easy, just...you know, pick it up and move it out the door". For the purpose of this example, said people are big and burly and have moved plenty of engine blocks in their day.

If you aren't one of those people, said advice is kinda useless - because you aren't them.

It sounds like what Ruiz is saying is basically true...but he's not advising the reader on the complex road one would need to travel before his advice becomes feasible. Rather he's painting some "yeah no shit Sherlock, but HOW" statements as half-mystical "Truths", which is let's face it what a lot of wanna-be self help "gurus" do.

It sounds to me like "easy for you to say" would be a great response to Ruiz's work.


message 4: by Emma Sea (new)

Emma Sea Wonderful review. I should have had you as my wingwoman before I got married back in the day.


Carmen Eric wrote: "@Carmen: Great review, and like Caroline I agree with your reservations.

I haven't read this, but from your review it sounds like Ruiz has the same problem a lot of wanna-be "self help" authors ha..."


Thank you, Eric. I was interested in what you'd have to say about this. Especially the second chapter called "Don't Take Anything Personally."

I think the engine block is a good (and very unique!) analogy. However, Ruiz doesn't address any specific problems in life, he's just very vague. He wants this little book to cover everything and therefore he doesn't offer many details. *shrug*


Carmen Emma Sea wrote: "Wonderful review. I should have had you as my wingwoman before I got married back in the day."

LOL I would have loved to be your wingwoman back in the day. :) Thanks!


message 7: by Jaksen (new)

Jaksen Sounds like a rather long Sunday school class.


Carmen LOL That's one way to put it, Diane!


message 9: by Mir (last edited Dec 04, 2015 04:54PM) (new)

Mir Emma Sea wrote: "Wonderful review. I should have had you as my wingwoman before I got married back in the day."

HAHA exactly what I was thinking! (Minus the married part) If only Carmen had been my college roommate or something.

If he listens to the word, and if he agrees, he will have cancer in less than one year.

Cancer is for suckers? Good thing I ignore all advice on my health.


Carmen I would be the dry, cynical college roommate looking skeptically at whatever unworthy specimen you brought home, Miriam. LOL :)

It is actually a good thing that you ignore all advice on your health. I'm saying that with absolute sincerity.


message 11: by Jaksen (new)

Jaksen Here's a long comment. Ignore if you get bored easily. :D

I actually avoid books which purport to tell me how to live my life. When I was a child and teenager my mother subscribed to most of the then-popular magazines for women. (Think Redbook, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, etc.) I would sit and read them and then feel awful about myself. Every article was on 'self-improvement' or 'how to do this or that,' or what you're doing wrong (about anything and everything.) It was the same old same old, and the articles would often contradict themselves, too, from month to month. What men want; what men don't want; how to raise children; or how to fix that broken dishwasher and save a ton of money! Whatever the problem is - and we know you've got plenty of'em - we can help fix it!

I felt much better when I stopped reading these magazines, and when my mother continued to give them to me (as I got older, married, etc.) I often just threw them out.

I now get an odd, strangulated feeling around my throat when I see giveaways or blurbs for books that purport to do much the same - tell me where I went wrong, how to fix this or that, how to live better, feel better. These books may be medical in nature, psychological, religious or New-Ageish, complete with advice from those who've gone through hell and now want to tell you about it and how they turned their lives around.

Boring. Give me a good murder mystery or deeply complex literary story about miserable people who go through misery and die at the end. Seriously...

I do not like any sort of book which tells me how to improve me or my life. I'm just fine the way I am.

Wow I used 'purport' twice in one comment. :D


Carmen I agree with you, Diane. You made a smart decision to avoid all this crap. I agree with Eric - what may seem self-evident and easy to the author isn't going to be self-evident and easy for the reader and her situation. It's better to make your own way in the world.


Christina I enjoyed reading the book, but found parts of it irritating. I enjoyed reading your review- totally agree.

Ruiz breaks his "Agreement" on making assumptions throughout this book.

"Mostly we use the word to spread our personal poison..."
Really? This is what most people are doing? I'm grateful this is not my experience.

A few of the posts below note some other assumptions he makes, you noted one I took to.
I don't talk to myself constantly, & when I do, it's not to berate myself with insults. Idk where this idea comes from either. I think of stuff I'm planning to do...movies I watched..books I've read...my family;wonder what they might be up to...imagine alternate realities even...

And yeah, these are not new ideas. Some awesome Alan Watts lectures on the Buddhist stuff can be found on YouTube.

Thanks for your review, you nailed it.


message 14: by Lisa (new)

Lisa Thanks for this review. I’m about halfway through and don’t think that I can finish. One particular passage bothered me “”Humans agree to help each other suffer. If you have the need to be abused, you will find it easy to be abused by others...they are asking for justification for their suffering.� People invite abuse, and if someone is upset by something you did, it is because of their own issues. I know I’m mixing up two different paragraphs in the book, but they seem to connect. While I like the idea of being careful with what we say, and not taking things personally, he seems to also suggest that we take no responsibility for how we affect others, and that people bring abuse upon themselves. Am I getting this entirely wrong? And I’ve read some books on Buddhism and they make way more sense than this.


Carmen I enjoyed reading the book, but found parts of it irritating. I enjoyed reading your review- totally agree.

Ruiz breaks his "Agreement" on making assumptions throughout this book.

"Mostly we use the word to spread our personal poison..."
Really? This is what most people are doing? I'm grateful this is not my experience.

A few of the posts below note some other assumptions he makes, you noted one I took to.
I don't talk to myself constantly, & when I do, it's not to berate myself with insults. Idk where this idea comes from either. I think of stuff I'm planning to do...movies I watched..books I've read...my family;wonder what they might be up to...imagine alternate realities even...

And yeah, these are not new ideas. Some awesome Alan Watts lectures on the Buddhist stuff can be found on YouTube.

Thanks for your review, you nailed it.


Thanks so much, Christina. Glad we agree! ;)


Carmen Thanks for this review. I’m about halfway through and don’t think that I can finish. One particular passage bothered me “”Humans agree to help each other suffer. If you have the need to be abused, you will find it easy to be abused by others...they are asking for justification for their suffering.� People invite abuse, and if someone is upset by something you did, it is because of their own issues. I know I’m mixing up two different paragraphs in the book, but they seem to connect. While I like the idea of being careful with what we say, and not taking things personally, he seems to also suggest that we take no responsibility for how we affect others, and that people bring abuse upon themselves. Am I getting this entirely wrong? And I’ve read some books on Buddhism and they make way more sense than this.

That's an interesting point, Lisa. I'm not a fan of blaming the victim, but he seems to have certain ideas about 'how life is' based - of course - solely on his experiences and his life. So perhaps he feels he can apply his life experiences to every human being's life experiences, and I'm not sure that is true.

Definitely wouldn't recommend this book to anyone wanting to learn about Buddhism. LOL


Katie Prigge You summarized this book better than I could! There were some good nuggets of wisdom, but a lot of impractical advice for a fantasy world.


Carmen Katie wrote: "You summarized this book better than I could! There were some good nuggets of wisdom, but a lot of impractical advice for a fantasy world."

Thank you, Katie!


message 19: by Caroline (new)

Caroline A totally brilliant review. No longer feel I should read this book (recommended by a friend), because I can tell it wouldn't be my thing. However I did gain some valuable insights from your wonderful analysis - so thank you and thank you again for that. PS I'd forgotten what a great sense of humour you have :O)


Carmen A totally brilliant review. No longer feel I should read this book (recommended by a friend), because I can tell it wouldn't be my thing. However I did gain some valuable insights from your wonderful analysis - so thank you and thank you again for that. PS I'd forgotten what a great sense of humour you have :O)

Thank you so much, Caroline. I hope you're doing well.


Jordan I feel similarly! Except I do talk about myself that way lol. However, this book was an “almost good� for me. Good review!


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