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Roy Lotz's Reviews > How to Win Friends & Influence People

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
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bookshelves: help-me-help-myself, americana, this-and-that

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

Dale Carnegie is a quintessentially American type. He is like George F. Babbitt come to life—except considerably smarter. And here he presents us with the Bible for the American secular religion: capitalism with a smile.

In a series of short chapters, Carnegie lays out a philosophy of human interaction. The tenets of this philosophy are very simple. People are selfish, prideful, and sensitive creatures. To get along with people you need to direct your actions towards their egos. To make people like you, compliment them, talk in terms of their wants, make them feel important, smile big, and remember their name. If you want to persuade somebody, don’t argue, and never contradict them; instead, be friendly, emphasize the things you agree on, get them to do most of the talking, and let them take credit for every bright idea.

The most common criticism lodged at this book is that it teaches manipulation, not genuine friendship. Well, I agree that this book doesn’t teach how to achieve genuine intimacy with people. A real friendship requires some self-expression, and self-expression is not part of Carnegie’s system. As another reviewer points out, if you use this mindset to try to get real friends, you’ll end up in highly unsatisfying relationships. Good friends aren't like difficult customers; they are people you can argue with and vent to, people who you don't have to impress.

Nevertheless, I think it’s not accurate to say that Carnegie is teaching manipulation. Manipulation is when you get somebody to do something against their own interests; but Carnegie’s whole system is directed towards getting others to see that their self-interest is aligned with yours. This is what I meant by calling him the prophet of “capitalism with a smile,� since his philosophy is built on the notion that, most of the time, people can do business with each other that is mutually beneficial. He never advocates being duplicitous: “Let me repeat: The principles taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.�

Maybe what puts people off is his somewhat cynical view of human nature. He sees people as inherently selfish creatures who are obsessed with their own wants; egotists with a fragile sense of self-esteem: “People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner.�

Well, maybe it's just because I am an American, but this conception of human nature feels quite accurate to me. Even the nicest people are absorbed with their own desires, troubles, and opinions. Indeed, the only reason that it’s easy to forget that other people are preoccupied with their own priorities is because we are so preoccupied with our own that it’s hard to imagine anyone thinks otherwise. The other day, for example, I ran into my neighbor, a wonderfully nice woman, who immediately proceeded to unload all her recent troubles on me while scarcely asking me a single question. This isn’t because she is bad or selfish, but because she’s human and wanted a listening ear. I don’t see anything wrong with it.

In any case, I think this book is worth reading just for its historical value. As one of the first and most successful examples of the self-help genre, it is an illuminating document. Already in this book, we have what I call “Self-Help Miracle Stories”—you know, the stories about somebody applying the lessons from this book and achieving a complete life turnaround. Although the author always insists the stories are real, the effect is often comical: “Jim applied this lesson, and his customer was so happy he named his first-born son after him!� “Rebecca impressed her boss so much that he wrote her a check for one million dollars on the spot!� “Frank did such a good job at the meeting that one of his clients bought him a Ferrari, and another one offered him his daughter in marriage!� (These are only slight exaggerations.)

Because of this book’s age, the writing is quaint and charming. Take, for example, this piece of advice on how to get the most out of the book: “Make a lively game out of your learning by offering some friend a dime or a dollar every time he or she catches you violating one of these principles.� A lively game! How utterly delightful.

Probably this book would be far more effective if Carnegie included some exercises instead of focusing on anecdotes. But then again, it would be far less enjoyable reading in that case, since the anecdotes are told with such verve and pep (to quote Babbitt). And I think we could all use a little more pep in our lives.
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Reading Progress

September 27, 2016 – Shelved
September 27, 2016 – Shelved as: to-read
September 30, 2016 – Shelved as: help-me-help-myself
September 30, 2016 – Shelved as: americana
Started Reading
October 1, 2016 – Finished Reading
March 5, 2019 – Shelved as: this-and-that

Comments Showing 1-24 of 24 (24 new)

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message 1: by Mir (last edited Sep 30, 2016 04:08PM) (new)

Mir I can see approach working, if not to actually make close friends, as a good stepping-stone. You've met someone, gotten to know them a bit, are mutually positive about one another and know you have some things in common -- surely an easier path to making a friend of someone than if you started off by arguing and fighting for your own way.


message 2: by Roy (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz Miriam wrote: "I can see approach working, if not to actually make close friends, as a good stepping-stone. You met someone, gotten to know them a bit, are mutually positive about one another and know you have so..."

Good point!


message 3: by Mir (new)

Mir It actually sounds a bit like the grown up version of how parents tell kids to "give so-and-so a chance" or "just go say to those new kids, maybe they'll be nice".


William Mego Well considering it's partly for a sales-driven workforce of it's era, it is instructions for making that connection with the strangers you're thrust into contact with in modern business. But it's also an excellent guide to "breaking the ice" with anybody, and it's up to you to provide the depth and real human connection past that. I very much doubt there's any attempt to provide a real philosophical message.


message 5: by Roy (last edited Sep 30, 2016 05:03PM) (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz Will wrote: "Well considering it's partly for a sales-driven workforce of it's era, it is instructions for making that connection with the strangers you're thrust into contact with in modern business. But it's ..."

I think you're definitely right that the book's basic message is about breaking the ice and learning to operate better in the business world. Maybe I read to much into the book regarding its "philosophy"...


message 6: by MomToKippy (new) - added it

MomToKippy I'd say this one has really stood the test of time.


Lily "Manipulation is when you get somebody to do something against their own interests." I' m not convinced "manipulation" need have this negative connotation. Manipulation can be seeing where two pieces fit together that others have overlooked -- to the potential benefit of all concerned.


message 8: by Roy (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz Lily wrote: ""Manipulation is when you get somebody to do something against their own interests." I' m not convinced "manipulation" need have this negative connotation. Manipulation can be seeing where two piec..."

Hmm, I guess you're right. Connotations are hard to pin down...


message 9: by Shine (new) - added it

Shine Sebastian Now that I see there are slightly exaggerated stories in it, which the author insist is real, I'm in!!! :)


message 10: by Roy (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz MomToKippy wrote: "I'd say this one has really stood the test of time."

I'd say so too!


message 11: by Roy (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz Shine wrote: "Now that I see there are slightly exaggerated stories in it, which the author insist is real, I'm in!!! :)"

Go win some friends!


message 12: by Ard (new) - added it

Ard I heard about this book a long time ago, think it's some kind of classic in its genre? Normally I'm not into these sort of books anymore, but this is a great review and maybe I'll have a go at it.


message 13: by Roy (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz Thanks! Yes it's certainly a classic of its kind


message 14: by Glenn (new)

Glenn Russell Back in my 20s my manager was a big, big fan of the Dale Carnegie course. The company paid and I was forced to attend. Anyway, the tone was upbeat and positive and "we are all here to help you." I found the class so typically middle middle American, but I'll say one thing - the class taught me to overcome my apprehension and fear of speaking publicly. After the course I would always give speeches and presentations, even if the audience was over 500 people, with ease and confidence. No small skill.


message 15: by Blair (new)

Blair I am now seeing this book recommended to help break down the liberal / conservative polarization that is taking place. The key point is see things from the other person's point of view. As you say, "If you want to persuade somebody, don’t argue, and never contradict them; instead, be friendly, emphasize the things you agree on, get them to do most of the talking." We should all try that.


message 16: by Cecily (new)

Cecily I liked this review first time round. Thanks for highlighting such a pertinent piece of advice from it, Blair.


message 17: by Roy (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz Blair wrote: "I am now seeing this book recommended to help break down the liberal / conservative polarization that is taking place. The key point is see things from the other person's point of view. As you say,..."

Excellent idea! Certainly yelling isn't an effective persuasion technique.


message 18: by Mir (new)

Mir Glenn wrote: "After the course I would always give speeches and presentations, even if the audience was over 500 people, with ease and confidence. No small skill."

No, indeed! Personally, I always found preparing the speech the challenging part, but many, many people seem terrified of public speaking.


message 19: by Tj (new) - rated it 5 stars

Tj What Carnegie shows is not manupilation. You can see that when he says to smile or appreciate, he says to do so by expressing yourself in a genuine way and not in a fake way.
For example, sometimes we may be in awe of a person's creation but we may not congratulate or encouge them thinking that we may become inferior to them.


Guido Martini La recensione più sensata in mezzo a tante recensioni ciniche e prevenute sull'argomento.


message 21: by C (new) - rated it 4 stars

C “Capitalism with a smile� well said


message 22: by C (new) - added it

C Kwong Your review convinced me to read this book! thanks


message 23: by Roy (new) - rated it 4 stars

Roy Lotz Enjoy!


message 24: by Mbakaya (new) - added it

Mbakaya Weever this is the most responsible review i have ever heard of the book, convinced me, after many years to take it on.


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