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I tried to make this short. I really did. I failed. I really did.

� One thing before we begin this thing: I had never heard of this book/series/author until my Canadian Nemesis (aka Evgeny the Sometimes Wise One) read it/it/him. And given that a) The Sometimes Wise One's book taste is not entirely despicable (view spoiler)[unlike that of most Little Barnacles' of my acquaintance (hide spoiler)] and that b) The Sometimes Wise One seemed inclined to think I might not entirely not enjoy this book were I to read it, I decided to be bold and audacious and adventurous and stuff. Now let's put this fantastically fascinating paragraph through my Wondrous Summarizing Anti-BS Machine (WSABSM�) and see what we get: "Evgeny liked it, he said I might too, so I gave it a try." Much more concise and to the point, I agree, but completely lacking in style and flourish. In other words, it sucks.

� Another thing before we begin this thing: I had no idea a super excellent awesome popular video game was based on this series. I have to admit I'm sorta out of the loop when it comes to gaming. I mean, the last time I played a video game, it was Pac-Man. On my Atari 2600. Because I'm cool like that.



Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, I haven't even started non-reviewing this book and you're already exhausted. I'll do my best to cut the crap henceforth, but you really should work on your endurance, my Lovely Arthropods, it would make my life much easier. In advance, I thank thee.

So. This little book here. It's actually a collection of short stories. Well not really, no. Well yes, but not exactly. Which makes it super uber cool and fresh and stuff. It's like this: at the beginning of the book, my new boyfriend, Geralt, is convalescing in a temple after one too many I Am a Badass Witcher Sessions (IAaBWS�). And while he's resting and recuperating and stuff, he recounts some of his Gloriously Magnificent Adventures (GMA�). And it just so happens that his GMA� are based on a most wondrous mix of mythology and fairytales. Which is pretty sensational, if you ask me. Especially since this world is exquisitely dark and delectably slaughterish and scrumptiously bloody and stuff. These ain't no cutesy fairytales, my Tiny Decapods! Silly Disney stuff, begone! Snow White Renfri the Impaler is in the house! And she is ever so slightly pissed off! And it is a beautiful thing to behold indeed!



Now. About the newest addition to my High Security Harem, aka my boyfriend Geralt: Geralt is a super hot mutant whose mission in life is to kill monsters and weird creatures and other evil stuff of the sort. Geralt kicks serious ass. Geralt displays a Delicious Sense of Snark (DSoS�). And Geralt is totally hot. I mean, they call him the Butcher of Blaviken. Rings a bell? No? Are you sure? Sigh. As clueless as ever. How about the Butcher of Merida? Sounds familiar? Ha! I knew I wasn't the only one who had a soft spot for butchers around here! So. Butcher of Blaviken = Butcher of Merida = TOTALLY HOT. QED and stuff.

Having so brilliantly demonstrated that Geralt was hot and that Geralt was mine, I shall now tell you about the monsters and weird creatures and other evil stuff my Geralt hunts so competently. And I would like to take a moment to commend Mr Sapkowski on his Exceptional Equal Opportunity Mindset (EEOM�). All monstrosities and beasts and freaks and bizarre things get a chance in his world. I'm pretty sure this is the book J.K. Rowling based her research for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them on. I mean, check this out: we have basilisks, dragons and vodniks (don't ask). We have strigas and gnomes and manticores and wyverns. And foglers and aeschnas and ilyocorisses and chimeras and leshys and vampires and ghouls and graveirs and werewolves and giant scorpions and black anises and kikimoras and vyppers and water sprites and myriapodans and flying drakes and trolls and djinns and nymphs and driads and mecopterans and griffins and spectres. And amphisboenas, too. For good measure. I'm telling you, people, the San Diego Zoo is a complete joke compared to this world. But hey, at least it's much safer. Maybe.



Okay, almost there {insert sighs of utter relief and complete alleviation here}. There is one last thing I need to talk about here. My former new girlfriend Yennefer *breaks down and cries* Yennefer is slightly awesome. Because Yennefer is devious and Yennefer curses and Yennefer kicks and Yennefer swears and Yennefer punches and bloody hell I am SO in love. But Markus the Selfish says he claimed her before I did. He won't care, won't share and won't let me stash her away in my harem. He is cruel and greedy and has forced me to swear a blood oath as per which I am unwillingly forced to give up all claims to her body and soul. Which sucks BIG TIME, if you ask me. But I shall be strong! I shall be brave! I shall be fearless and shall face adversity heroically! I am nefarious! I shall survive! I shall prevail! And stuff!

» And the moral of this Butchering Monsters is the Most Wondrous Line of Work Ever Crappy Non Review (BMitMWLoWECNR�) is: Geralt is amazing. Geralt is hot. And Geralt is mine. Ha.

» And the other moral of this Butchering Monsters is the Most Wondrous Line of Work Ever Crappy Non Review (BMitMWLoWECNR�) is:



Obviously.

· Book 2: Sword of Destiny ★★�
· Book 3: Blood of Elves ★★�
· Book 4: The Time of Contempt �



[Pre-review nonsense]

Bloody. Freaking. Shrimp.

I have a new boyfriend. His name is Geralt. He is a hot mutant of sorts. He hotly hunts weird things. And he is slightly hot. And and, he is slightly MINE.



Oh, and I also have a new girlfriend. Her name is Yennefer. Markus seems to think he claimed her long ago, but he is slightly delusional, so pay him no mind.

� Full Time to Build a New High Security Wing in the Harem, Crustaceans, My New Boyfriend and Girlfriend are Coming to Stay Crappy Non Review (TtBaNWitHCMNBaGaCtSCPR�) to come.