Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ

4.5 Stars

TW: Suicide, gun violence, gore, the general graphic nature of homicide/suicide

All I can say is wow. I had a set of expectations for this book, and it surpassed even that. I knew it would be dark and haunting, but I think this will have a much more lasting impression on me than I could have ever anticipated. I listened to the audiobook that Sue narrates, and I can't remember the last time I've listened to an audiobook on 1x (regular) speed and absolutely drank in every word. I didn't want to put this down, it was such a capturing read. In a way it was like watching a trainwreck you just couldn't look away from even though you know it's tragic and there's suffering beyond anything you'll understand.

This fits in the category of memoirs that are just beyond my experience and therefore, my true comprehension. I've read memoirs from people you couldn't pay me a billion dollars to trade places with, and this is one of those. Sue's story stretched my sympathy to monumental lengths, and I can't imagine how much more impactful this book would be to someone who has children. Hearing Sue's story as someone who doesn't even want kids was heartbreaking enough, but I can't imagine being her intended audience (parents) and having to hear her points about how sometimes loving your child isn't enough to save them and they have interior lives you can truly never know. One of the parts that stuck with me most was during the initial months of her grieving after they lost Dylan, Sue's husband told her, "I wish he had killed us too." That, alongside the scene where she describes going to the Columbine library and seeing the bloodstains on the ground, were so impactful and heartbreaking that I had to pause the audiobook and take a break to cry and reflect. It's truly one of the most haunting books I've ever read, especially considering Sue's detailed backstory of Dylan's "normal" childhood and upbringing.

And the way Sue writes about and frames her experience was a complete shock. I was expecting this to be a very self-based memoir discussing her life in April 1999 and the years onward, which it largely is for the first half. Like I mentioned earlier, I thought it would be very based around discussing Dylan's normality and deflecting blame. But the way that Sue recovered from this tragedy and educated herself on suicide and school shootings, and the amount of research that went into this book was SO unexpected. It's not just a self-indulgent story about how sad she is and her excuses about what could have gone wrong; it's a regretful admission that she could have done better, but also a call-to-action for others to recognize suicide and mental health and the ways to prevent tragedy moving forward. She doesn't at all dismiss Dylan's unforeseen mental health issues, and once again, it astonished me how decisively she tackled the discussions, rumors, conspiracies, backlash, and everything else. I can't emphasize how impressed I am by this. Sometimes I feel like the format of this was lacking, like Sue would reference a certain event two or three times throughout different parts of the book, and it would seem a bit aimless and like it needed more editing to make it more chronological. Still, the second section of the book addressing suicide/homicide causes and prevention was so important, I can hardly discount this minor issue I had with it.

However, I need to disclaim that although this book surpassed my expectations content-wise, it also surpassed a threshold of graphic content I could handle. Nothing was explicitly graphic while listening that made me sick, but the lingering vibe of this book after I put it down was so unsettling that I couldn't sleep for two nights. I had to turn on cartoons just to be able to calm myself down because this could be so dark and lingering. (It didn't help that I got curious and Googled some of the pictures that Sue was mentioning being leaked and...... I regret.) So definitely be in a stable headspace when you go to read this, because it can quickly dismantle any good standing with mental health you've achieved. It's very penetrating, dark material. Nevertheless, I don't regret reading this and I definitely will never forget it.