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A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy
On April 20, 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold walked into Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Over the course of minutes, they would kill twelve students and a teacher and wound twenty-four others before taking their own lives.
For the last sixteen years, Sue Klebold, Dylan’s mother, has lived with the indescribable grief and shame of that day. How could her child, the promising young man she had loved and raised, be responsible for such horror? And how, as his mother, had she not known something was wrong? Were there subtle signs she had missed? What, if anything, could she have done differently?
These are questions that Klebold has grappled with every day since the Columbine tragedy. InA Mother’s Reckoning, she chronicles with unflinching honesty her journey as a mother trying to come to terms with the incomprehensible. In the hope that the insights and understanding she has gained may help other families recognize when a child is in distress, she tells her story in full, drawing upon her personal journals, the videos and writings that Dylan left behind, and on countless interviews with mental health experts.
Filled with hard-won wisdom and compassion,A Mother’s Reckoningis a powerful and haunting book that sheds light on one of the most pressing issues of our time. And with fresh wounds from the recent Newtown and Charleston shootings, never has the need for understanding been more urgent.
All author profits from the book will be donated to research and to charitable organizations focusing on mental health issues.
For the last sixteen years, Sue Klebold, Dylan’s mother, has lived with the indescribable grief and shame of that day. How could her child, the promising young man she had loved and raised, be responsible for such horror? And how, as his mother, had she not known something was wrong? Were there subtle signs she had missed? What, if anything, could she have done differently?
These are questions that Klebold has grappled with every day since the Columbine tragedy. InA Mother’s Reckoning, she chronicles with unflinching honesty her journey as a mother trying to come to terms with the incomprehensible. In the hope that the insights and understanding she has gained may help other families recognize when a child is in distress, she tells her story in full, drawing upon her personal journals, the videos and writings that Dylan left behind, and on countless interviews with mental health experts.
Filled with hard-won wisdom and compassion,A Mother’s Reckoningis a powerful and haunting book that sheds light on one of the most pressing issues of our time. And with fresh wounds from the recent Newtown and Charleston shootings, never has the need for understanding been more urgent.
All author profits from the book will be donated to research and to charitable organizations focusing on mental health issues.
336 pages, ebook
First published February 15, 2016
2,085 people are currently reading
50.6k people want to read
About the author
Sue Klebold
1book331followersSue Klebold is the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the two shooters at Columbine High School in 1999 who killed 15 people before ending their own lives, a tragedy that saddened and galvanized the nation. She has spent the last 15 years excavating every detail of her family life, and trying to understand the crucial intersection between mental health problems and violence. Instead of becoming paralyzed by her grief and remorse, she has become a passionate and effective agent working tirelessly to advance mental health awareness and intervention. ~ Penguin Random House
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 5,788 reviews
February 17, 2017
Over the years, after a long time researching the Columbine case, I'd learned to view Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris as human beings. It was nearly impossible not to, considering I spent my time reading their journals, private online conversations, websites, jokes, accounts from friends and loved ones and teachers who liked and praised them as well as watching homemade videos they made for fun. Ever since I started the research, I knew I couldn't view them as monsters because it was far too simplistic. The journey to becoming a so called monster was too complex, and to understand why they came to do inhuman things you first need to understand how they were as humans in the first place. And part of my understanding at least a piece of this puzzle, I thought, was reading about the perspective of the woman who had raised Dylan.
Until recently, the only thing I had from Susan Klebold's side was knowledge of the grief and confusion she must be feeling daily. I was aware of these feelings going into the 20/20 interview. I was aware of them going into her book. Hearing her tell her story, hearing a recollection of her memories, a perspective of the massacre and its aftermath as it was unfolding that I'd never heard before was, however, an altering experience. Since I was already treading this ground with the information that yes, Dylan was at some point just an ordinary kid, it wasn't hard for me to simply give into listening to her story as a mother who'd lost her child in more than one way. Hearing her talk about her son as a baby, as a child, as an adolescent, finding out the type of silly, funny, kind or embarrassing things he'd done before the massacre put a smile on my face I'd always catch and be confused by. It was easy to cry afterwards, too, for her, for his victims, but even for Dylan himself, and by extension Eric.
Part of the denial Sue faces against herself and Tom, as well as the Harrises, stems from the deep fear of the kind of truth she has to tell us would bring. There's unspeakable horror in looking into a home life that was normal and happy and had the joys and struggles of any regular family, and realizing that this is where a so called evil had been raised. I can only imagine the kind of desperation a parent must feel in realizing, if they allow themselves to, that you can raise a monster without knowing it, and you need not be in any special kind of circumstances to do so. Neither the Klebolds nor the Harrises had been people you'd point at and say "those people have something wrong with them" before the massacre. They were ordinary people, living their lives as best and as honestly as they could. In a post-Columbine world, it's easier for people to point the finger, although after reading this book, and hopefully with an open mind, they'd find that they no longer realize what they're pointing at.
An honest recollection of the past 16 years of her life is what this book is, at its core. It outlines a constant struggle between the grief for the child she raised and loved and wanted to shield from the smallest of problems and a love she still feels for a man she does not recognize but wants to go back to and save nonetheless. She talks extensively about brain health, and the illnesses that can turn any one of us from ordinary to a disaster waiting to happen, be it to ourselves or to others, or like in Dylan's case, to both. It is overall a tough read, a tough story to experience, even as a complete outsider to the events that took place. Even so I would urge anyone who thinks themselves capable of reading it to do so immediately and with an open mind and heart.
On a more personal note, there is unfortunately enough space within us to grieve for every person involved in this incident, for all the different reasons we might have for our grief. Pain is not and never will be a contest, and all I can hope is that everyone who has been affected by Columbine, or any other tragedy, can find some joy in their life.
Until recently, the only thing I had from Susan Klebold's side was knowledge of the grief and confusion she must be feeling daily. I was aware of these feelings going into the 20/20 interview. I was aware of them going into her book. Hearing her tell her story, hearing a recollection of her memories, a perspective of the massacre and its aftermath as it was unfolding that I'd never heard before was, however, an altering experience. Since I was already treading this ground with the information that yes, Dylan was at some point just an ordinary kid, it wasn't hard for me to simply give into listening to her story as a mother who'd lost her child in more than one way. Hearing her talk about her son as a baby, as a child, as an adolescent, finding out the type of silly, funny, kind or embarrassing things he'd done before the massacre put a smile on my face I'd always catch and be confused by. It was easy to cry afterwards, too, for her, for his victims, but even for Dylan himself, and by extension Eric.
Part of the denial Sue faces against herself and Tom, as well as the Harrises, stems from the deep fear of the kind of truth she has to tell us would bring. There's unspeakable horror in looking into a home life that was normal and happy and had the joys and struggles of any regular family, and realizing that this is where a so called evil had been raised. I can only imagine the kind of desperation a parent must feel in realizing, if they allow themselves to, that you can raise a monster without knowing it, and you need not be in any special kind of circumstances to do so. Neither the Klebolds nor the Harrises had been people you'd point at and say "those people have something wrong with them" before the massacre. They were ordinary people, living their lives as best and as honestly as they could. In a post-Columbine world, it's easier for people to point the finger, although after reading this book, and hopefully with an open mind, they'd find that they no longer realize what they're pointing at.
An honest recollection of the past 16 years of her life is what this book is, at its core. It outlines a constant struggle between the grief for the child she raised and loved and wanted to shield from the smallest of problems and a love she still feels for a man she does not recognize but wants to go back to and save nonetheless. She talks extensively about brain health, and the illnesses that can turn any one of us from ordinary to a disaster waiting to happen, be it to ourselves or to others, or like in Dylan's case, to both. It is overall a tough read, a tough story to experience, even as a complete outsider to the events that took place. Even so I would urge anyone who thinks themselves capable of reading it to do so immediately and with an open mind and heart.
On a more personal note, there is unfortunately enough space within us to grieve for every person involved in this incident, for all the different reasons we might have for our grief. Pain is not and never will be a contest, and all I can hope is that everyone who has been affected by Columbine, or any other tragedy, can find some joy in their life.
March 3, 2016
I have to admit I felt a little hesitant to order this at first, until I saw "All author profits from the book will be donated to research and to charitable organizations focusing on mental health issues."
Now that I have finished reading it, I am very glad to have purchased and read it. The story was not what I was expecting, and the heart break and anguish that Sue Klebold experienced, and was willing to share, makes me want to reach out and hug her. Columbine was a tragedy all around, and this book in no way downplays the tragedy of those whose lives were taken by the author's son. Mental health issues (or brain health issues as the author prefers to call them) are a real issue, and are often undetected by those closest to those suffering from these issues.
Thank you Sue Klebold for sharing your story. A very worthwhile read for everyone.
Now that I have finished reading it, I am very glad to have purchased and read it. The story was not what I was expecting, and the heart break and anguish that Sue Klebold experienced, and was willing to share, makes me want to reach out and hug her. Columbine was a tragedy all around, and this book in no way downplays the tragedy of those whose lives were taken by the author's son. Mental health issues (or brain health issues as the author prefers to call them) are a real issue, and are often undetected by those closest to those suffering from these issues.
Thank you Sue Klebold for sharing your story. A very worthwhile read for everyone.
July 29, 2018
Audiobook, Library Overdrive,....read by Sue Klebold......SPOILERS INCLUDED...
I haven’t felt this incredibly dissatisfied about a book, in the way I do, like this, in a very long time.
A special thanks to local ŷ friend - LisaVegan- for being a great support -discussing issues and battles I had - daily - hour by hour at times- with ‘my reckoning�: living with my thoughts and feelings in the aftermath of Sue Klebold’s memoir.
It’s unimaginable the horrific devastating shocking pain - range of emotions a parent faces after a tragedy of this magnitude: denial, grief, loss, shock, fear, sadness, sickness, guilt, ashamed, etc., knowing your child killed 13 students - a teacher - and injured 24 others. I had immediate empathy for these parents years ago. I didn’t blame them. I still don’t....in fact I felt incredible empathy for them.
When I started this book - I felt even more compassion and empathy for Sue Klebold. Over lunch one day with Lisa - I said - “I had read a harsh review of this book - which I felt was ‘too harsh....”this woman is so real - our hearts break for her�. I WAS SURE I WOULD GIVE HER BOOK 5 stars ....Now, I don’t think that review was harsh ‘enough�.
By the next day - I was writing Lisa,...SO IRATE... I had taken a complete turn from feeling empathetic, to feeling angry. As my reading continued � my thoughts and emotions were mostly judgmental about this entire book! I can’t tell you how angry I felt at times. THIS WAS THE BOOK SUE WANTED THE WORLD TO READ? To me - there is SO MUCH OFF WITH IT .... I could write pages!!!!!
I still feel sorry for the shoes Sue wears since her child did what he did - I’m not saying it’s fair that she was left to suffer �- but what I don’t respect are the choices she made in the print words she wrote. With the audacity, it took a lot of chutzpah- to focus on HERSELF ( as a good loving mother AS MUCH AS SHE DID), and how her “sunshine boy� was a good kid - and she lost a son too, FOR MOST OF THE BOOK- over and over - so MUCH- I begin to cringe. I actually felt embarrassed and ashamed for so much narcissism she exposed of herself.
There were pages of examples of Dylan’s childhood- ( her “Sunshine Boy�). A few of HER INTERPRETATIONS from the examples she shared - I saw different than Sue.
I thought about how much denial she was in. Dylan was a son she wanted to see ( I don’t even blame her for being blind and having limitations - we all have them)�
But there was so much justification on her part, looking for false causes.... and turning the story into a suicide story as being more dominant than a kid who was a mass murderer - well - I’m sorry - I think she is still in denial.
When Sue introduces herself today to people - groups - wherever ... she says: “I am Sue Klebold, mother of a son who committed suicide. He was also one of shooters at Columbine�.
Throughout this ‘entire� book Sue repeats how good she was ( many examples - dinner with the family - she wanted to know who his friends were - had rules about violence in movies - etc - etc - etc - and about Dylan: smart, good grades, would still snuggle her), and that she had NO IDEA he was capable of this. She minimize- ( “BOYS WILL BE BOYS�), the year before when Dylan was arrested for a felony, and wrote a paper for a class that was so disturbing the teacher called the parents in. Is she kidding her self when she says there are no signs?
The denial about her son, started very early.
When Dylan was 10 years old - she took him roller skating. He was having trouble and falling down a lot. She wanted to hold his hand. THEY HAD VERY DIFFERENT PERSONALITY TRAITS AND DISPOSITIONS. It ‘would� be hard for a caring - hovering loving mother to get inside this type of child’s head and needs
Dylan said he wanted to skate himself - he could figure it out himself. Sue says it felt like an hour waiting for him to make it around the rink� that it was so painful watching him fall down so many times. But when he made it back, he said ( in an aggressive voice)...”see, I told you I could do it myself�. Sue and her husband concluded “Dylan would be able to accomplish anything he wanted in life out of his pure will of force�.
She didn’t hear his frustrated voice - or acknowledge his anger - or his need to prove something by the way he snapped at his mother.
Sue spent too much time praising Dylan for doing his own laundry - doing origami - and his diligently working with legos.
Her BIGGEST fear was people would think she wasn’t a good parent.
This book was SO MUCH ABOUT HERSELF and that DYLAN was LOVED- that I started to feel ‘embarrassed�.
How could this woman speak about she and her good loving son FOR MOST OF THE BOOK � making excuses -( oh she had many possible false causes), ultimately turning this into a suicide story � leaving all the other families dangling with “I think about them all the time�..... ( but we don’t feel it nearly as much as we feel Sue’s mission to EXPLAIN *BRAIN ILLNESS*). Give me a break -
Sue was MORE UPSET, that Dylan’s Friends were not allowed to go to graduation- than she expressed for the VICTIMS, killed.
I’m ashamed of this book. I felt it was an INSULT - INSENSITIVE- to the families - and victims of Columbine.
I clearly would have been better off reading “Columbine�, by Dave Cullen for a better more comprehensive ‘understanding�.
This is a MOMMY’S MEMOIR of LOSS & PAIN.....The life she knew before April 20, 1999, was over. THAT I AM SOOOO SORRY FOR!!!
Yet Sue is confused - still in denial. This book had to have made many people gut-wrenching angry: those who lost children - family and friends. I share their anger and - at minimum- a sad disappointment with Sue’s memoir. It felt hurtful to others.
At some point I’ll definitely plan to read Dave Cullen’s book - for a more accurate examination.
THANK YOU TO ANYONE...... who read this review- I know it was long - broke my own rule. But this book got under my skin. Writing this was my way of letting it go.??
[somewhat]
Off to soak in the pool - not to read or listen to an Audiobook- simply listen to music!!! Enjoy the sounds of nature too!!!
🌿🌳🌱🍀🍃🌴🌵
I haven’t felt this incredibly dissatisfied about a book, in the way I do, like this, in a very long time.
A special thanks to local ŷ friend - LisaVegan- for being a great support -discussing issues and battles I had - daily - hour by hour at times- with ‘my reckoning�: living with my thoughts and feelings in the aftermath of Sue Klebold’s memoir.
It’s unimaginable the horrific devastating shocking pain - range of emotions a parent faces after a tragedy of this magnitude: denial, grief, loss, shock, fear, sadness, sickness, guilt, ashamed, etc., knowing your child killed 13 students - a teacher - and injured 24 others. I had immediate empathy for these parents years ago. I didn’t blame them. I still don’t....in fact I felt incredible empathy for them.
When I started this book - I felt even more compassion and empathy for Sue Klebold. Over lunch one day with Lisa - I said - “I had read a harsh review of this book - which I felt was ‘too harsh....”this woman is so real - our hearts break for her�. I WAS SURE I WOULD GIVE HER BOOK 5 stars ....Now, I don’t think that review was harsh ‘enough�.
By the next day - I was writing Lisa,...SO IRATE... I had taken a complete turn from feeling empathetic, to feeling angry. As my reading continued � my thoughts and emotions were mostly judgmental about this entire book! I can’t tell you how angry I felt at times. THIS WAS THE BOOK SUE WANTED THE WORLD TO READ? To me - there is SO MUCH OFF WITH IT .... I could write pages!!!!!
I still feel sorry for the shoes Sue wears since her child did what he did - I’m not saying it’s fair that she was left to suffer �- but what I don’t respect are the choices she made in the print words she wrote. With the audacity, it took a lot of chutzpah- to focus on HERSELF ( as a good loving mother AS MUCH AS SHE DID), and how her “sunshine boy� was a good kid - and she lost a son too, FOR MOST OF THE BOOK- over and over - so MUCH- I begin to cringe. I actually felt embarrassed and ashamed for so much narcissism she exposed of herself.
There were pages of examples of Dylan’s childhood- ( her “Sunshine Boy�). A few of HER INTERPRETATIONS from the examples she shared - I saw different than Sue.
I thought about how much denial she was in. Dylan was a son she wanted to see ( I don’t even blame her for being blind and having limitations - we all have them)�
But there was so much justification on her part, looking for false causes.... and turning the story into a suicide story as being more dominant than a kid who was a mass murderer - well - I’m sorry - I think she is still in denial.
When Sue introduces herself today to people - groups - wherever ... she says: “I am Sue Klebold, mother of a son who committed suicide. He was also one of shooters at Columbine�.
Throughout this ‘entire� book Sue repeats how good she was ( many examples - dinner with the family - she wanted to know who his friends were - had rules about violence in movies - etc - etc - etc - and about Dylan: smart, good grades, would still snuggle her), and that she had NO IDEA he was capable of this. She minimize- ( “BOYS WILL BE BOYS�), the year before when Dylan was arrested for a felony, and wrote a paper for a class that was so disturbing the teacher called the parents in. Is she kidding her self when she says there are no signs?
The denial about her son, started very early.
When Dylan was 10 years old - she took him roller skating. He was having trouble and falling down a lot. She wanted to hold his hand. THEY HAD VERY DIFFERENT PERSONALITY TRAITS AND DISPOSITIONS. It ‘would� be hard for a caring - hovering loving mother to get inside this type of child’s head and needs
Dylan said he wanted to skate himself - he could figure it out himself. Sue says it felt like an hour waiting for him to make it around the rink� that it was so painful watching him fall down so many times. But when he made it back, he said ( in an aggressive voice)...”see, I told you I could do it myself�. Sue and her husband concluded “Dylan would be able to accomplish anything he wanted in life out of his pure will of force�.
She didn’t hear his frustrated voice - or acknowledge his anger - or his need to prove something by the way he snapped at his mother.
Sue spent too much time praising Dylan for doing his own laundry - doing origami - and his diligently working with legos.
Her BIGGEST fear was people would think she wasn’t a good parent.
This book was SO MUCH ABOUT HERSELF and that DYLAN was LOVED- that I started to feel ‘embarrassed�.
How could this woman speak about she and her good loving son FOR MOST OF THE BOOK � making excuses -( oh she had many possible false causes), ultimately turning this into a suicide story � leaving all the other families dangling with “I think about them all the time�..... ( but we don’t feel it nearly as much as we feel Sue’s mission to EXPLAIN *BRAIN ILLNESS*). Give me a break -
Sue was MORE UPSET, that Dylan’s Friends were not allowed to go to graduation- than she expressed for the VICTIMS, killed.
I’m ashamed of this book. I felt it was an INSULT - INSENSITIVE- to the families - and victims of Columbine.
I clearly would have been better off reading “Columbine�, by Dave Cullen for a better more comprehensive ‘understanding�.
This is a MOMMY’S MEMOIR of LOSS & PAIN.....The life she knew before April 20, 1999, was over. THAT I AM SOOOO SORRY FOR!!!
Yet Sue is confused - still in denial. This book had to have made many people gut-wrenching angry: those who lost children - family and friends. I share their anger and - at minimum- a sad disappointment with Sue’s memoir. It felt hurtful to others.
At some point I’ll definitely plan to read Dave Cullen’s book - for a more accurate examination.
THANK YOU TO ANYONE...... who read this review- I know it was long - broke my own rule. But this book got under my skin. Writing this was my way of letting it go.??
[somewhat]
Off to soak in the pool - not to read or listen to an Audiobook- simply listen to music!!! Enjoy the sounds of nature too!!!
🌿🌳🌱🍀🍃🌴🌵
March 16, 2016
There’s no question that Klebold’s story is horrifying—a story of mass murder and its aftermath that blessed few of us will ever have to tell. In the wake of epic tragedy, how does a parent come to terms with their child murdering other children and adults? How does a mother or a father miss the signs of impending doom, the stockpiled weapons? This book is Klebold’s attempt to tell her story: the story of their family life, their parenting, and the complete and utter lack of signs leading up to her son’s violent rampage some 16 years ago.
The introduction by Andrew Solomon (who interviewed the Klebolds for his very excellent Far From the Tree) sets a responsible, compassionate tone for Klebold’s words that follow. He is magnanimous to the extreme and Klebold must have been relieved to read his thoughtful account of her situation.
Yet, when I started getting into the meat of Klebold’s story, I became uneasy. Then, frustrated. By the end of the book, I had a flash of anger—which is certainly not the emotional spectrum I expected to encounter reading such a book.
I’ve always had sympathy for the Klebold and Harris families since reading Dave Cullen’s Columbine, one of the finest and most detailed works of modern crime nonfiction, in my opinion. It’s clear, based on available evidence, that the families were squarely in the dark about the scope of their sons� rage. Although both boys had been in trouble (even arrested together at one point), they seemed remorseful, made restitutions, and were moving forward with their respective post-high school plans. I started this book from that place—one of great sympathy—and is, unfortunately, not exactly the place I emerged from it.
There are several problematic elements to Klebold’s account. They do not, in any way, tarnish my steadfast belief that her pain is mostly unknowable, and therefore difficult to judge as an outsider. But, when she takes a public step to bring that pain to the masses in this way, she opens up herself, and her story, to review.
I was initially made uneasy by Klebold’s early and frequent references to “brain health,� her preferred word substitution for mental health. (She explains about halfway through the book why she prefers it. The description makes sense, but it bugs.) Dave Cullen made it abundantly clear in Columbine that both boys, Dylan and Eric, suffered from mental health issues and explained the ways that this manifested prior to and during the planning of the massacre. However, Klebold sets the stage early on in the book for later hypotheses that seemed to be speculation at best and irresponsible at worst.
This inkling of unsettledness I felt became more acute when I realized that Klebold would spend next to no time discussing, addressing, or humanizing the victims of the attack. While it’s well-trod ground, yes, I found it bizarre that Klebold remains so distant from the human element of the tragedy. Her laser focus on Dylan is understandable, and so is her need to respect the victims of the tragedy, but ignoring them—except when they reach out to her in sympathy—seemed strange at first and only more so as the book progressed.
The dehumanization of Dylan’s victims was worst when Klebold recounts the massacre briefly, coldly. There is, up until that point, a subtle but ever-present desire to put the bulk of the blame on Eric, and Klebold’s assessment of Dylan and Eric’s actions that day is her biggest Freudian slip. (Or perhaps it was intentional—which would be worse.) She describes Eric first: “Eric shot Rachel Scott, killing her instantly […] Eric then shot at Daniel Rohrbough and Sean Graves and Lance Kirkland, who were climbing the hill toward them, killing Daniel and wounding the other two.� When she switches focus to Dylan, her syntax changes too: “Dylan walked down the steps toward the cafeteria. He shot Lance Kirklin and stepped over Sean Graves on his way into the building.� Kirklin was wounded, not killed, but the omission of any description beyond “shot� is startling. Later: “Eric had shot his rifle forty-seven times. Dylan had shot three times with his handgun and two with his shotgun.� It’s hard to believe the inclusion of that information was for any purpose but to show—what? How little Dylan had shot? Does it even matter when students are lying wounded, dead, and more are still to come? She continues, using the qualifiers “fatally shot� or “fatally wounded� or “shot under a desk� or “shot at a table.� Maybe it’s not as important as it seems. Maybe I’m reading into it. But the way she describes the massacre—in less than three pages—seems inadequate and even trite. For example: “Dylan shot Patrick Ireland as he was helping Makai Hall.� According to Ireland, as he reached to apply pressure to Hall’s wounds, Dylan saw his head pop up from under the table and shot him in the head with his shotgun. Klebold’s choice to recount the massacre like a police report, rather than focusing on the depravity of the act, may be to avoid traumatizing the victims further, or as she says, “minimizing details mitigates the likelihood of contagion [or copycat crimes].� Maybe that’s so. But in a book of excuses, what’s one more?
Another major frustration point for me was Klebold’s wishy-washy stance on guns. She expresses early on that she and her husband were “adamantly� opposed to them, even considering moving out of Colorado because of the weak gun laws in the state. And that moment—that statement—is about the last time you’ll hear from Klebold about guns. She turns her focus to mental health for the remainder of the book—brain health, sorry—and drops the thread. I understand her desire not to insert herself into the gun control fray. And she’s trying to raise money for mental health charities too. Fine—let’s cut the really controversial stuff, like guns! (“We’ll just keep the parts where I’m trying to understand why my teenage son committed mass murder.�) The guns were acquired from unlicensed sellers at a gun show by someone other than Dylan and Eric, and it seems to me to be especially prudent for Klebold to have discussed the importance of gun control, whether it be gun show loopholes, background checks, or responsible ownership in the context of mental health issues in the home (see: Adam Lanza). For her to willfully ignore this topic is reckless. Full stop.
There were other issues too. She spends a great deal of time speculating on the bullying motive for the massacre, but what she has is just that—speculation. She cites a few anecdotes, nothing concrete, but still leaves breadcrumbs that lead the reader to believe it could have been an essential, driving force behind the violence. Klebold’s desire to pick and choose from Cullen’s research—she likes Eric being the psychopath, does not like Cullen proving the bullying motive a myth—is frustrating.
And, of course, I can’t leave this review without pointing out how irresponsible it is for Klebold to inexorably link mental health issues like depression and suicidal tendencies to mass murder. She fixates on the shooting as a “murder-suicide,� saying that if we can understand that, we can get a clearer picture of how Dylan made the decisions he did. But, while there is sufficient evidence of mental health problems in this case, I find Klebold’s causation hypothesis a wholly simplistic and rash explanation. It’s true that many teens suffering from depression are at risk for suicide. But what is not true, and what will never be true—despite Klebold continuing to point out depressive tendencies in Dylan’s behavior, like “thousand yard staring”—is that depressed and/or suicidal teens go on in great numbers to commit acts of violence or murder. Mental health may be one part of the puzzle, especially when it comes to the unique profile of school shooters, but it’s just that. One part. Klebold is obsessed, convinced that if she had seen the signs for what they were, she could have intervened, provided support, and potentially stopped him. But there are other puzzle pieces, including access to guns, bouts of rage or anger, and the unknowable snapping point—stoked and prodded by Eric—that clearly existed within him. Klebold acknowledges that the massacre was unlikely to have happened if either boy had been alone and not known the other. Cullen describes the interplay of their relationship quite well, and how the darker parts of their personalities came together in the name of destruction.
But still. It happened. It was complex, horrifying, and our country’s first real glimpse into the now almost cyclic, expected nature of mass murder. And because it was the “first,� and because it is the most infamous, I can appreciate Klebold’s attempts here. I really can. But it doesn’t go far enough. It doesn’t quite hit the mark. But with our country’s almost lackadaisical responses to school shootings or mass murder now, what else should we expect? Not much. Not much.
The introduction by Andrew Solomon (who interviewed the Klebolds for his very excellent Far From the Tree) sets a responsible, compassionate tone for Klebold’s words that follow. He is magnanimous to the extreme and Klebold must have been relieved to read his thoughtful account of her situation.
Yet, when I started getting into the meat of Klebold’s story, I became uneasy. Then, frustrated. By the end of the book, I had a flash of anger—which is certainly not the emotional spectrum I expected to encounter reading such a book.
I’ve always had sympathy for the Klebold and Harris families since reading Dave Cullen’s Columbine, one of the finest and most detailed works of modern crime nonfiction, in my opinion. It’s clear, based on available evidence, that the families were squarely in the dark about the scope of their sons� rage. Although both boys had been in trouble (even arrested together at one point), they seemed remorseful, made restitutions, and were moving forward with their respective post-high school plans. I started this book from that place—one of great sympathy—and is, unfortunately, not exactly the place I emerged from it.
There are several problematic elements to Klebold’s account. They do not, in any way, tarnish my steadfast belief that her pain is mostly unknowable, and therefore difficult to judge as an outsider. But, when she takes a public step to bring that pain to the masses in this way, she opens up herself, and her story, to review.
I was initially made uneasy by Klebold’s early and frequent references to “brain health,� her preferred word substitution for mental health. (She explains about halfway through the book why she prefers it. The description makes sense, but it bugs.) Dave Cullen made it abundantly clear in Columbine that both boys, Dylan and Eric, suffered from mental health issues and explained the ways that this manifested prior to and during the planning of the massacre. However, Klebold sets the stage early on in the book for later hypotheses that seemed to be speculation at best and irresponsible at worst.
This inkling of unsettledness I felt became more acute when I realized that Klebold would spend next to no time discussing, addressing, or humanizing the victims of the attack. While it’s well-trod ground, yes, I found it bizarre that Klebold remains so distant from the human element of the tragedy. Her laser focus on Dylan is understandable, and so is her need to respect the victims of the tragedy, but ignoring them—except when they reach out to her in sympathy—seemed strange at first and only more so as the book progressed.
The dehumanization of Dylan’s victims was worst when Klebold recounts the massacre briefly, coldly. There is, up until that point, a subtle but ever-present desire to put the bulk of the blame on Eric, and Klebold’s assessment of Dylan and Eric’s actions that day is her biggest Freudian slip. (Or perhaps it was intentional—which would be worse.) She describes Eric first: “Eric shot Rachel Scott, killing her instantly […] Eric then shot at Daniel Rohrbough and Sean Graves and Lance Kirkland, who were climbing the hill toward them, killing Daniel and wounding the other two.� When she switches focus to Dylan, her syntax changes too: “Dylan walked down the steps toward the cafeteria. He shot Lance Kirklin and stepped over Sean Graves on his way into the building.� Kirklin was wounded, not killed, but the omission of any description beyond “shot� is startling. Later: “Eric had shot his rifle forty-seven times. Dylan had shot three times with his handgun and two with his shotgun.� It’s hard to believe the inclusion of that information was for any purpose but to show—what? How little Dylan had shot? Does it even matter when students are lying wounded, dead, and more are still to come? She continues, using the qualifiers “fatally shot� or “fatally wounded� or “shot under a desk� or “shot at a table.� Maybe it’s not as important as it seems. Maybe I’m reading into it. But the way she describes the massacre—in less than three pages—seems inadequate and even trite. For example: “Dylan shot Patrick Ireland as he was helping Makai Hall.� According to Ireland, as he reached to apply pressure to Hall’s wounds, Dylan saw his head pop up from under the table and shot him in the head with his shotgun. Klebold’s choice to recount the massacre like a police report, rather than focusing on the depravity of the act, may be to avoid traumatizing the victims further, or as she says, “minimizing details mitigates the likelihood of contagion [or copycat crimes].� Maybe that’s so. But in a book of excuses, what’s one more?
Another major frustration point for me was Klebold’s wishy-washy stance on guns. She expresses early on that she and her husband were “adamantly� opposed to them, even considering moving out of Colorado because of the weak gun laws in the state. And that moment—that statement—is about the last time you’ll hear from Klebold about guns. She turns her focus to mental health for the remainder of the book—brain health, sorry—and drops the thread. I understand her desire not to insert herself into the gun control fray. And she’s trying to raise money for mental health charities too. Fine—let’s cut the really controversial stuff, like guns! (“We’ll just keep the parts where I’m trying to understand why my teenage son committed mass murder.�) The guns were acquired from unlicensed sellers at a gun show by someone other than Dylan and Eric, and it seems to me to be especially prudent for Klebold to have discussed the importance of gun control, whether it be gun show loopholes, background checks, or responsible ownership in the context of mental health issues in the home (see: Adam Lanza). For her to willfully ignore this topic is reckless. Full stop.
There were other issues too. She spends a great deal of time speculating on the bullying motive for the massacre, but what she has is just that—speculation. She cites a few anecdotes, nothing concrete, but still leaves breadcrumbs that lead the reader to believe it could have been an essential, driving force behind the violence. Klebold’s desire to pick and choose from Cullen’s research—she likes Eric being the psychopath, does not like Cullen proving the bullying motive a myth—is frustrating.
And, of course, I can’t leave this review without pointing out how irresponsible it is for Klebold to inexorably link mental health issues like depression and suicidal tendencies to mass murder. She fixates on the shooting as a “murder-suicide,� saying that if we can understand that, we can get a clearer picture of how Dylan made the decisions he did. But, while there is sufficient evidence of mental health problems in this case, I find Klebold’s causation hypothesis a wholly simplistic and rash explanation. It’s true that many teens suffering from depression are at risk for suicide. But what is not true, and what will never be true—despite Klebold continuing to point out depressive tendencies in Dylan’s behavior, like “thousand yard staring”—is that depressed and/or suicidal teens go on in great numbers to commit acts of violence or murder. Mental health may be one part of the puzzle, especially when it comes to the unique profile of school shooters, but it’s just that. One part. Klebold is obsessed, convinced that if she had seen the signs for what they were, she could have intervened, provided support, and potentially stopped him. But there are other puzzle pieces, including access to guns, bouts of rage or anger, and the unknowable snapping point—stoked and prodded by Eric—that clearly existed within him. Klebold acknowledges that the massacre was unlikely to have happened if either boy had been alone and not known the other. Cullen describes the interplay of their relationship quite well, and how the darker parts of their personalities came together in the name of destruction.
But still. It happened. It was complex, horrifying, and our country’s first real glimpse into the now almost cyclic, expected nature of mass murder. And because it was the “first,� and because it is the most infamous, I can appreciate Klebold’s attempts here. I really can. But it doesn’t go far enough. It doesn’t quite hit the mark. But with our country’s almost lackadaisical responses to school shootings or mass murder now, what else should we expect? Not much. Not much.
November 29, 2016
I actually started listening to this in the summer. I only finished it recently. I find these books very hard to review.
I think this audio hit me harder then I expected. It was even more emotional as it is narrated by Sue Klebold. It took her many years to write this book. She knew there would never be a "right" time for it. She knows people blame her and her husband. She blames herself in many ways. What did they miss? Could she have stopped it?
I wasn't sure what to expect when I started listening to this audio. I respect Sue Klebold for writing this book. I know there are many people that feel it shouldn't have been written, but I think we can all learn from her story and this terrible tragedy. I understand that not everyone will want to read it. But I'm glad I did.
I was glad to hear that she is donating 100 percent of the money made from this book to mental health and suicide prevention research.
I think this audio hit me harder then I expected. It was even more emotional as it is narrated by Sue Klebold. It took her many years to write this book. She knew there would never be a "right" time for it. She knows people blame her and her husband. She blames herself in many ways. What did they miss? Could she have stopped it?
I wasn't sure what to expect when I started listening to this audio. I respect Sue Klebold for writing this book. I know there are many people that feel it shouldn't have been written, but I think we can all learn from her story and this terrible tragedy. I understand that not everyone will want to read it. But I'm glad I did.
I was glad to hear that she is donating 100 percent of the money made from this book to mental health and suicide prevention research.
February 27, 2017
Sue Klebold's narrative is extremely difficult to relate to and empathize with. This book reads like a taut justification defending how good her family is, while very subtly hinting at how "others" live:
"I hadn't even been one of those cool parents who smokes pot with their kids or introduces them to their groovy boyfriends." (119).
So what's she saying here about single moms? Hmm...
From the first chapters, which begin on the day of the shooting, the author focuses specifically on her own image: "I had taken pleasure in being an active and respected part of my community, in being thought of as a good mom. The censure beginning to emerge was excruciating." (44).
This is a mom who, the day after the Columbine massacre and suicide of her mass murdering son, went to the salon to keep her standing hair appointment. She was worried about how she would look at his funeral, and says so. (But says earlier that she actually prayed he would commit suicide if he was killing people at his school. Another example of a hard to understand contradiction). Let me just stop here a moment. Let's go there. Let's imagine you're a parent. You learn increasingly horrific acts are happening at your kid's school. You then learn your child may be doing it. You learn your kid is dead. Are you even aware of other people, or what they think of you? Are you concerned with how you look, whether you need a haircut? If you can relate to this line of thinking, hats off. But this is not remotely relatable to me on any level. The narrative speaks to every excruciating angle: are they being good house guests while staying with family, can she get her hair cut, What? No, I can not at all empathize or even get on a level where this is remotely imaginable.
As a victim, she plays the part well; at least she thinks so. It simply doesn't feel genuine. It feels desperate and forced, as one tries desperately to cajole, manipulate, and MAKE OTHERS BELIEVE what she believes. Sorry. I don't. Aside from snide remarks at single parents, there are numerous mentions of "this doesn't happen here," as Sue Klebold repeatedly makes mention of finally finding peers she can engage with who are "normal": professionals, with etiquette.
White privileged elitism at it's finest, while she claims despite her own microaggressions against others that her children weren't raised to hate anyone.
Aside from her blatant attempts at justifications and fixation on her self and how she and her family look, there is a great danger here in her understanding of mental health. Throughout her own need to understand her son's actions, she skips the psychopathy and obvious deceit almost completely and decides he was depressed and impressionable. This makes inference throughout that one who is suicidal can just as easily become a mass murderer. This. Is. Not. The. Case. As much as this woman name dropped and interviewed people for her own angles, there is NO LINK AT ALL that suicidal people may become homicidal as a regular or likely occurrence. Very rarely (perhaps 2-5%) of suicidal people are also homicidal. She also conveniently leaves out that most people with mental disorders that are diagnosed (while living, not post humorously) are more likely to be victims of violence. Not perpetrators. She also annoyingly decides to call "mental health" "brain health" throughout the book, only explaining about half-way the reasons for it. She claims it may reduce stigma. To me, it looks more like she is attention seeking, in her subtle way.
Post mortem mental health diagnoses for her son, the strange and dangerous link between suicidality and planned, premeditated, and deliberate murder. I find this book to be more harmful and uninformed than helpful, despite her repeatedly mentioned reasons for writing the book. I am one person, but my experience is that this book is an insult to a number of people: survivors of Columbine and other violent shootings; parents who have lost children to violence; parents who have lost children to any reason: and the field of mental health.
Mourning and finding your own personal meaning is one thing. But this book should not have been published.
Never underestimate the power of denial, and skip this book.
"I hadn't even been one of those cool parents who smokes pot with their kids or introduces them to their groovy boyfriends." (119).
So what's she saying here about single moms? Hmm...
From the first chapters, which begin on the day of the shooting, the author focuses specifically on her own image: "I had taken pleasure in being an active and respected part of my community, in being thought of as a good mom. The censure beginning to emerge was excruciating." (44).
This is a mom who, the day after the Columbine massacre and suicide of her mass murdering son, went to the salon to keep her standing hair appointment. She was worried about how she would look at his funeral, and says so. (But says earlier that she actually prayed he would commit suicide if he was killing people at his school. Another example of a hard to understand contradiction). Let me just stop here a moment. Let's go there. Let's imagine you're a parent. You learn increasingly horrific acts are happening at your kid's school. You then learn your child may be doing it. You learn your kid is dead. Are you even aware of other people, or what they think of you? Are you concerned with how you look, whether you need a haircut? If you can relate to this line of thinking, hats off. But this is not remotely relatable to me on any level. The narrative speaks to every excruciating angle: are they being good house guests while staying with family, can she get her hair cut, What? No, I can not at all empathize or even get on a level where this is remotely imaginable.
As a victim, she plays the part well; at least she thinks so. It simply doesn't feel genuine. It feels desperate and forced, as one tries desperately to cajole, manipulate, and MAKE OTHERS BELIEVE what she believes. Sorry. I don't. Aside from snide remarks at single parents, there are numerous mentions of "this doesn't happen here," as Sue Klebold repeatedly makes mention of finally finding peers she can engage with who are "normal": professionals, with etiquette.
White privileged elitism at it's finest, while she claims despite her own microaggressions against others that her children weren't raised to hate anyone.
Aside from her blatant attempts at justifications and fixation on her self and how she and her family look, there is a great danger here in her understanding of mental health. Throughout her own need to understand her son's actions, she skips the psychopathy and obvious deceit almost completely and decides he was depressed and impressionable. This makes inference throughout that one who is suicidal can just as easily become a mass murderer. This. Is. Not. The. Case. As much as this woman name dropped and interviewed people for her own angles, there is NO LINK AT ALL that suicidal people may become homicidal as a regular or likely occurrence. Very rarely (perhaps 2-5%) of suicidal people are also homicidal. She also conveniently leaves out that most people with mental disorders that are diagnosed (while living, not post humorously) are more likely to be victims of violence. Not perpetrators. She also annoyingly decides to call "mental health" "brain health" throughout the book, only explaining about half-way the reasons for it. She claims it may reduce stigma. To me, it looks more like she is attention seeking, in her subtle way.
Post mortem mental health diagnoses for her son, the strange and dangerous link between suicidality and planned, premeditated, and deliberate murder. I find this book to be more harmful and uninformed than helpful, despite her repeatedly mentioned reasons for writing the book. I am one person, but my experience is that this book is an insult to a number of people: survivors of Columbine and other violent shootings; parents who have lost children to violence; parents who have lost children to any reason: and the field of mental health.
Mourning and finding your own personal meaning is one thing. But this book should not have been published.
Never underestimate the power of denial, and skip this book.
April 20, 2019
“Oh my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you � Oh Absalom, my son, my son!�
- The Book of 2 Samuel 18:33
“Good wombs have borne bad sons.�
- Miranda, in William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Act I, Scene 2
“On April 20, 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold armed themselves with guns and explosives and walked into Columbine High School. They killed twelve students and a teacher, and wounded twenty-four others, before taking their own lives. It was the worst school shooting in history. Dylan Klebold was my son…�
- Sue Klebold, from the opening lines of A Mother’s Reckoning
This is a tough one. I got it as soon as it came out, and then it languished on my shelf. I needed the right mindset to crack the covers, and that mindset eluded me.
I’ve been interested in Columbine from the moment I heard about the shooting. I was a senior in high school when it happened, just weeks away from graduation. There had been mass shootings before (such as Charles Whitman’s 1966 spree in Austin), and there had been terrible assaults on schools before (such as the 1927 Bath School bombing that killed 38 children), but I had never heard of them, or if I had, I never cared. But then Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, students like me, walked into Columbine High School, a school like my own, and killed a dozen of their classmates, who could have been my friends. Something about the timing of the shooting imprinted itself on me. I have been reading about it ever since.
Thus, when Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the killers, Dylan, wrote a book about her experience, I ordered it without thinking. As soon as I looked at the cover, though, with a photo of a five year-old Dylan smiling next to his mother, I set it down. I wasn’t sure I needed to know what was inside.
Then came Parkland. The massacre of more innocents at a high school. And the book came off the shelf. Not unexpectedly, it was heavy. Quite unexpectedly, it struck me with its importance. This is a book that parents of school-age kids should read.
A Mother’s Reckoning is one of those titles that works despite the writing. Klebold’s style is not elegant. The best that can be said for her prose is that it is coherent. The structure tends to be a bit rambling, and certain points are made repetitively. You might expect me to say that Klebold’s work is “unflinching,� but it is not. It flinches a lot. She goes out of her way to show deference and respect to the victims, prefacing many of her discussions with pre-apologies. While I understand and respect the intent, the result is a book that can be painfully self-conscious at times. She seems intent on heading off every counterargument before it’s made, leading to a lot of needless verbiage that disrupts the flow of her story. To avoid passing any blame from Dylan, Klebold fails to fully explore certain topics that might have been worth noting. For example, she raises the issue of Columbine’s toxic environment, but does not pursue the discussion. Undoubtedly, she did this to avoid any accusations that she was trying to shift liability. Similarly, of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department, she has almost only good things to say, which is quite remarkable, since she’s about the only one to praise them.
A Mother’s Reckoning is tough to classify. The shadow of Columbine obviously lingers over every word, comma, semi-colon, and period. Yet, the actual shooting is dealt with only minimally. The book opens with an account of Klebold and her husband learning about the shooting, and the agonizing aftermath of discovering that not only had their son died, but that he had been the cause of so much suffering. There is also, about midway through, a terse yet excruciating passage in which Klebold narrates, victim by victim, her son’s rampage through the school. Otherwise, though, she mostly leaves the events of April 20, 1999, in the background (those wishing to know the full story would be well-served by Dave Cullen’s Columbine).
Instead, Klebold has a lot of other things on her mind. In part, this is a memoir about grief. Klebold’s struggle with her son’s death will be familiar to anyone who has lost a loved one. Of course, her experience was magnified beyond quantification due to the circumstances of Dylan’s death. She had to grieve in private, while fending off reporters, receiving hate mail, having her entire life adjudicated in the press, and dealing with law enforcement. It is a situation almost beyond imagination.
A Mother’s Reckoning is also, in a way, a biography of Dylan Klebold, filtered through a forensic microscope. Klebold narrates Dylan’s life from the moment he was born. What was he like? What where his hobbies? How did he act? Above all: What were the warning signs? Overall, Dylan not only seemed normal, but rather well-adjusted. He didn't torture animals or get in trouble at a very early age. He had friends. He lived in a solid middle-class household. Negative environmental factors were almost non-existent. He wasn’t pampered but he wasn’t poor. He had the ability to hold down a job and get good grades. Despite the normalcy, Klebold uses a fine-tooth comb trying to find the missing link.
The link, Klebold ultimately discovers, was Dylan’s depression. It was a depression that he hid as well as his weapons, explosives, and the troubling videotapes he made with Eric Harris.
Klebold does not come to her conclusions lightly. She has spoken to a wide variety of mental health professionals, physicians, and other related experts. Part of her story is intensely personal. Other parts are admirably objective. She seems to be intellectualizing the tragedy as a way of coping with it.
The most powerful part of A Mother’s Reckoning is how Klebold reframes the Columbine massacre as not only an act of mass murder, but an act of suicide. She has support here from many experts, including Adam Lankford, whose book, The Myth of Martyrdom, argued that suicidal acts of terror can often be linked to depression and suicide.
According to many who have studied the shootings, Eric Harris was a stone psychopath. His journals are filled with a desire to kill the world. Conversely, Dylan Klebold’s journals are filled with love; that is, a feeling that he was not loved, or could not find love. He was, in short, intensely depressed and looking to end his own life. To the detriment of so many, he came into contact with Harris, and their individual mental health crises complemented each other in the worst possible way.
Klebold’s discussion of suicide and depression are the reason I recommend this book. School shootings are terrible, and they are frightening. They are also, like plane crashes, statistically unlikely. Further, the odds of me raising a mass shooter � while greater than zero � are again not high.
Suicide, on the other hand, is one of the leading causes of death among young people. I have never met or known a school shooter or school shooting victim. I have known three people who have killed themselves, and two others who made real attempts. Suicide, as Klebold explains, is not an impulsive act, even though it often seems rash. Someone loses a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or gets embarrassed in class, or gets called out on social media, and the next minute, they are dead, in an act that seems unplanned. As discussed here, with the input of real experts, that is often not the case. The final act may be precipitous, but there was likely a long series of moments, haunted by “the noonday demon�, that led to that final irreversible act. That depression can be masked, that the symptoms can be so quotidian, is what makes it so terrifying.
A Mother’s Reckoning says a lot of things that are hard to hear but dangerous to ignore.
- The Book of 2 Samuel 18:33
“Good wombs have borne bad sons.�
- Miranda, in William Shakespeare’s The Tempest, Act I, Scene 2
“On April 20, 1999, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold armed themselves with guns and explosives and walked into Columbine High School. They killed twelve students and a teacher, and wounded twenty-four others, before taking their own lives. It was the worst school shooting in history. Dylan Klebold was my son…�
- Sue Klebold, from the opening lines of A Mother’s Reckoning
This is a tough one. I got it as soon as it came out, and then it languished on my shelf. I needed the right mindset to crack the covers, and that mindset eluded me.
I’ve been interested in Columbine from the moment I heard about the shooting. I was a senior in high school when it happened, just weeks away from graduation. There had been mass shootings before (such as Charles Whitman’s 1966 spree in Austin), and there had been terrible assaults on schools before (such as the 1927 Bath School bombing that killed 38 children), but I had never heard of them, or if I had, I never cared. But then Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, students like me, walked into Columbine High School, a school like my own, and killed a dozen of their classmates, who could have been my friends. Something about the timing of the shooting imprinted itself on me. I have been reading about it ever since.
Thus, when Sue Klebold, the mother of one of the killers, Dylan, wrote a book about her experience, I ordered it without thinking. As soon as I looked at the cover, though, with a photo of a five year-old Dylan smiling next to his mother, I set it down. I wasn’t sure I needed to know what was inside.
Then came Parkland. The massacre of more innocents at a high school. And the book came off the shelf. Not unexpectedly, it was heavy. Quite unexpectedly, it struck me with its importance. This is a book that parents of school-age kids should read.
A Mother’s Reckoning is one of those titles that works despite the writing. Klebold’s style is not elegant. The best that can be said for her prose is that it is coherent. The structure tends to be a bit rambling, and certain points are made repetitively. You might expect me to say that Klebold’s work is “unflinching,� but it is not. It flinches a lot. She goes out of her way to show deference and respect to the victims, prefacing many of her discussions with pre-apologies. While I understand and respect the intent, the result is a book that can be painfully self-conscious at times. She seems intent on heading off every counterargument before it’s made, leading to a lot of needless verbiage that disrupts the flow of her story. To avoid passing any blame from Dylan, Klebold fails to fully explore certain topics that might have been worth noting. For example, she raises the issue of Columbine’s toxic environment, but does not pursue the discussion. Undoubtedly, she did this to avoid any accusations that she was trying to shift liability. Similarly, of the Jefferson County Sheriff’s Department, she has almost only good things to say, which is quite remarkable, since she’s about the only one to praise them.
A Mother’s Reckoning is tough to classify. The shadow of Columbine obviously lingers over every word, comma, semi-colon, and period. Yet, the actual shooting is dealt with only minimally. The book opens with an account of Klebold and her husband learning about the shooting, and the agonizing aftermath of discovering that not only had their son died, but that he had been the cause of so much suffering. There is also, about midway through, a terse yet excruciating passage in which Klebold narrates, victim by victim, her son’s rampage through the school. Otherwise, though, she mostly leaves the events of April 20, 1999, in the background (those wishing to know the full story would be well-served by Dave Cullen’s Columbine).
Instead, Klebold has a lot of other things on her mind. In part, this is a memoir about grief. Klebold’s struggle with her son’s death will be familiar to anyone who has lost a loved one. Of course, her experience was magnified beyond quantification due to the circumstances of Dylan’s death. She had to grieve in private, while fending off reporters, receiving hate mail, having her entire life adjudicated in the press, and dealing with law enforcement. It is a situation almost beyond imagination.
A Mother’s Reckoning is also, in a way, a biography of Dylan Klebold, filtered through a forensic microscope. Klebold narrates Dylan’s life from the moment he was born. What was he like? What where his hobbies? How did he act? Above all: What were the warning signs? Overall, Dylan not only seemed normal, but rather well-adjusted. He didn't torture animals or get in trouble at a very early age. He had friends. He lived in a solid middle-class household. Negative environmental factors were almost non-existent. He wasn’t pampered but he wasn’t poor. He had the ability to hold down a job and get good grades. Despite the normalcy, Klebold uses a fine-tooth comb trying to find the missing link.
The link, Klebold ultimately discovers, was Dylan’s depression. It was a depression that he hid as well as his weapons, explosives, and the troubling videotapes he made with Eric Harris.
Klebold does not come to her conclusions lightly. She has spoken to a wide variety of mental health professionals, physicians, and other related experts. Part of her story is intensely personal. Other parts are admirably objective. She seems to be intellectualizing the tragedy as a way of coping with it.
The most powerful part of A Mother’s Reckoning is how Klebold reframes the Columbine massacre as not only an act of mass murder, but an act of suicide. She has support here from many experts, including Adam Lankford, whose book, The Myth of Martyrdom, argued that suicidal acts of terror can often be linked to depression and suicide.
According to many who have studied the shootings, Eric Harris was a stone psychopath. His journals are filled with a desire to kill the world. Conversely, Dylan Klebold’s journals are filled with love; that is, a feeling that he was not loved, or could not find love. He was, in short, intensely depressed and looking to end his own life. To the detriment of so many, he came into contact with Harris, and their individual mental health crises complemented each other in the worst possible way.
Klebold’s discussion of suicide and depression are the reason I recommend this book. School shootings are terrible, and they are frightening. They are also, like plane crashes, statistically unlikely. Further, the odds of me raising a mass shooter � while greater than zero � are again not high.
Suicide, on the other hand, is one of the leading causes of death among young people. I have never met or known a school shooter or school shooting victim. I have known three people who have killed themselves, and two others who made real attempts. Suicide, as Klebold explains, is not an impulsive act, even though it often seems rash. Someone loses a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or gets embarrassed in class, or gets called out on social media, and the next minute, they are dead, in an act that seems unplanned. As discussed here, with the input of real experts, that is often not the case. The final act may be precipitous, but there was likely a long series of moments, haunted by “the noonday demon�, that led to that final irreversible act. That depression can be masked, that the symptoms can be so quotidian, is what makes it so terrifying.
A Mother’s Reckoning says a lot of things that are hard to hear but dangerous to ignore.
July 12, 2016
"Her book is a tribute to Dylan without being an excuse, and a moving call to action for mental health advocacy and research."
A MOTHER'S RECKONING is a detailed and graphic account of the carefully planned massacre that occurred at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. It includes information on the recorded basement tape video made by Eric and Dylan as well as documented statements from their diaries and Sue's own journal.
A great deal of this memoir is written from the perspective of what actually happened in the Klebold family world from the time of awareness. Sue Klebold expresses the emotional turmoil from the moment she receives the frantic call from her husband to come home from work on that horrific day, and documents the difficult task of trying to unravel the mystery of a son they loved and thought they knew so well.
"While every other mother in Littleton was praying that their child was safe, I had to pray that mine would die before he hurt anyone else."
In this account, Klebold also takes full responsibility for missing the signs that Dylan was depressed and in trouble admitting he did in fact show outward signals of suicide that she dismissed not recognizing them for what they were at the time, but now understands after consulting with numerous mental health experts.
"To the rest of the world, Dylan was a monster, but he was my son."
Excellent follow-up story to COLUMBINE, but a very sad and terribly heartbreaking read. (Having raised a son, I can attest that teenagers are often a difficult species to decode.)
Final Note: Author profits from this book will be donated to research and charitable foundations focusing on mental health issues.
May 17, 2016
It would be easy to admire Sue Klebold for her courage in writing a Mother’s Reckoning. But having listened for the past few weeks to the audio version of Klebold’s book with rapt attention and a knotted stomach, I think it is probably more accurate to thank Klebold for openly sharing part of her journey in dealing with her son Dylan’s participation in the Columbine shootings. This book is heart wrenching and fascinating, but it very much feels like something Sue Klebold had to write for her own benefit, as part of her own healing process. She spends much of the book assuring her audience � and herself � that she was the best parent she could be. (In fact, at times I felt ashamed of some of my own parenting lapses in comparison with hers.) She also spends much of the book suggesting that all parents should be extremely vigilant about any signs of depression in their children and teenagers because Dylan had done a very good job of concealing his true state of mind right up to the date of the shootings. (This is an important message, but it certainly needs to be tempered with the realization that the vast majority of teenagers are not at risk of doing what Dylan did, or even of suicide.) In reality, it’s hard for me to figure out what lessons to draw from Klebold’s book. I read it with great interest and curiosity. I feel a lot of compassion for her. I think she does a tremendous job of expressing her experience of mourning, while paying due respect to the families of Dylan’s victims. It was obviously extremely important for her to write this book, and admirably she is giving all profits to mental health research. But I am left with the uncomfortable feeling that she is looking for some form of public salvation � through the lengthy reflections on her good parenting and on the efforts she has made since Columbine to be a good person despite the circumstances. I can’t say that I wouldn’t do the same if I found myself in her shoes. But at times this made Klebold’s book particularly painful. What was done can’t be undone. What was done can probably never be fully explained. And she is condemned to a life in which some people will always try to reassure themselves that their child would never do what Dylan did by blaming his parents in their parenting and for failing to see what was coming � no matter what Klebold has to say. I do hope for Klebold that writing this book has helped her find some peace. For the rest of us, her book provides a window into a special kind of hell � losing a child that the world views as a monster.
A note on the audio: Sue Klebold does the narration. She does a great job, and it certainly adds to the emotional punch of the book to hear her tell her story in her own voice.
A note on the audio: Sue Klebold does the narration. She does a great job, and it certainly adds to the emotional punch of the book to hear her tell her story in her own voice.
April 21, 2022
To say "I really liked it" is not accurate; but I am so very glad that I read this book (huge thank you to Dave Cullen for the recommendation).
Ms. Klebold is honest and reflective in ways that I cannot imagine. It seems to me that she genuinely only bared her life and soul with the earnest hope that someone can learn from her "mistakes". Much of her story is scarier than Stephen King, but hers is a horror we can learn from and hopefully avoid in our own lives.
I admire the courage, diligence & tenacity that went into every single sentence in this book and I appreciate the knowledge I've gained.
Ms. Klebold is honest and reflective in ways that I cannot imagine. It seems to me that she genuinely only bared her life and soul with the earnest hope that someone can learn from her "mistakes". Much of her story is scarier than Stephen King, but hers is a horror we can learn from and hopefully avoid in our own lives.
I admire the courage, diligence & tenacity that went into every single sentence in this book and I appreciate the knowledge I've gained.
August 29, 2022
This painful but I think necessary memoir by the mother of one of the Columbine shooters was written 17 years after the event and so contains a lifetime of anguished reflection. The results are disheartening. The preface by Professor Andrew Solomon says:
The ultimate message of this book is terrifying : you may not know your own children, and, worse yet, your children may be unknowable.
Or as a three minute song from the 1960s put it :
Nobody knows what’s going on in my mind but me.
LIKEABLE YOUNG MAN FROM A GOOD HOME
When you find out about Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook shooter, you can see there were enormous red flags all over, he was practically announcing I will be the Next One. Dylan Klebold was the opposite. He was the sweet loveable gentle teenage giant (6 foot 4) who only in his 16th year started doing a few sketchy things � the big one was breaking into a parked van and stealing some electronic equipment, with his dodgy friend Eric. Dylan didn’t do drugs but he was a secret drinker. But then he shaped up and got his applications in order when the time came to apply for university, and he was accepted. He wasn’t a weirdo loner, he wasn’t a bully. She says :
He wasn’t the pinwheel-eyed portrait of evil we know from the cartoons. �(he was) an easygoing, shy, likeable young man who came from a “good home”…he was easy to raise, a pleasure to be with, a child who always made us proud.
The story his mother tells is a horror story : her journey from denial and disbelief to ghastly realisation of the facts. On the dreadful day she thought at first he had been a bystander, then she realised he was some kind of perpetrator, but she told herself he couldn’t have actually shot anybody, then she found out he had, then she told herself he was on drugs, but he wasn’t, then she told herself he had been hypnotised in some way by that monster Eric Harris, and perhaps dragged into it at the last minute, and that was the belief she clung to until six months after the massacre the cops released the evidence they had collected and she was able to see the Basement Tapes for the first time, which you can believe she watched through her fingers, in total dismay. These were videos that Dylan and Eric made in the months before the shooting, and it was clear from them that the massacre had been carefully planned for eight months before the event. And it was also clear that the event that happened was a watered-down version of the event that was supposed to happen, which was the destruction of the whole school by means of propane bombs they put in the school cafeteria that morning. The idea was that they would sit outside and shoot the survivors of the explosions and fire as they ran outside. But the bombs failed to detonate so they changed their plan and went inside.
What was on the tapes was the sheer hatred Eric and Dylan had for the school and their lives in general. For Sue Klebold this was a revelation. Where did this hatred come from? Kids can easily have fantasies about burning their school down, hahaha, but to actually plan such a thing, go to the trouble of assembling the equipment bit by bit and then do it is a whole other thing.
For Sue Klebold’s especial misery, on these tapes the two 17 year olds viciously mock what their parents will say after the massacre :
Dylan: If only we could have reached them sooner, or found this tape.
Eric : If only we would have searched their room. If only we would have asked the right questions.
Dylan: They gave me my fucking life. It’s up to me what I do with it
Eric: My parents are the best fucking parents I have ever known. My dad is great. I wish I was a fucking sociopath so I didn’t have any remorse, but I do. This is going to tear them apart. They will never forget it. [He then addresses his parents directly, if briefly] There is nothing you guys could have done to prevent any of this. There is nothing that anyone could have done to prevent this. No one is to blame except me and Vodka [Klebold’s nickname]. Our actions are a two man war against everyone else
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?
This sums up the general reaction to Columbine, and this book is the explanation.
I would never have told you that I had access to Dylan’s every thought and feeling, but I would have said, with confidence, that I knew exactly what he was capable of. And I would have been wrong� I had raised a murderer without knowing it a person with such a faulty moral compass that he’d committed an atrocity. I was a fool, a sucker, a dolt. � I had been a “I want o meet your friends and their parents before you spend the night at their house� kind of parent. What good had it done?
OKAY THEN, WHY DID THEY DO IT?
The explanation Sue finally comes up with sounds inadequate � it amounts to the toxic nasty culture of bullying and belittling that goes on in every school and has had countless movies and tv shows made about it. And the reader is inclined to feel this explanation is inadequate. I did. But then I thought � yes, in the same way that many people think that the idea that Oswald was the sole shooter of JFK is inadequate; hence the conspiracy theories. So maybe Sue Klebold is right. The other part of the explanation she has is that Eric was a psychopath who wanted to kill people and his suicide was a byproduct of that whereas Dylan was a depressive who wanted to commit suicide and killing other people was the byproduct of his suicide. It sounds a little neat to me. But really, who can explain these things? At one point Sue asks of her own son “Was he evil?� and says well, no, I don’t think so. She spends pages talking about mental illness, then says even if he was diagnosable that’s no excuse. She spins in these nets of words like we all do.
Recommended.
The ultimate message of this book is terrifying : you may not know your own children, and, worse yet, your children may be unknowable.
Or as a three minute song from the 1960s put it :
Nobody knows what’s going on in my mind but me.
LIKEABLE YOUNG MAN FROM A GOOD HOME
When you find out about Adam Lanza, the Sandy Hook shooter, you can see there were enormous red flags all over, he was practically announcing I will be the Next One. Dylan Klebold was the opposite. He was the sweet loveable gentle teenage giant (6 foot 4) who only in his 16th year started doing a few sketchy things � the big one was breaking into a parked van and stealing some electronic equipment, with his dodgy friend Eric. Dylan didn’t do drugs but he was a secret drinker. But then he shaped up and got his applications in order when the time came to apply for university, and he was accepted. He wasn’t a weirdo loner, he wasn’t a bully. She says :
He wasn’t the pinwheel-eyed portrait of evil we know from the cartoons. �(he was) an easygoing, shy, likeable young man who came from a “good home”…he was easy to raise, a pleasure to be with, a child who always made us proud.
The story his mother tells is a horror story : her journey from denial and disbelief to ghastly realisation of the facts. On the dreadful day she thought at first he had been a bystander, then she realised he was some kind of perpetrator, but she told herself he couldn’t have actually shot anybody, then she found out he had, then she told herself he was on drugs, but he wasn’t, then she told herself he had been hypnotised in some way by that monster Eric Harris, and perhaps dragged into it at the last minute, and that was the belief she clung to until six months after the massacre the cops released the evidence they had collected and she was able to see the Basement Tapes for the first time, which you can believe she watched through her fingers, in total dismay. These were videos that Dylan and Eric made in the months before the shooting, and it was clear from them that the massacre had been carefully planned for eight months before the event. And it was also clear that the event that happened was a watered-down version of the event that was supposed to happen, which was the destruction of the whole school by means of propane bombs they put in the school cafeteria that morning. The idea was that they would sit outside and shoot the survivors of the explosions and fire as they ran outside. But the bombs failed to detonate so they changed their plan and went inside.
What was on the tapes was the sheer hatred Eric and Dylan had for the school and their lives in general. For Sue Klebold this was a revelation. Where did this hatred come from? Kids can easily have fantasies about burning their school down, hahaha, but to actually plan such a thing, go to the trouble of assembling the equipment bit by bit and then do it is a whole other thing.
For Sue Klebold’s especial misery, on these tapes the two 17 year olds viciously mock what their parents will say after the massacre :
Dylan: If only we could have reached them sooner, or found this tape.
Eric : If only we would have searched their room. If only we would have asked the right questions.
Dylan: They gave me my fucking life. It’s up to me what I do with it
Eric: My parents are the best fucking parents I have ever known. My dad is great. I wish I was a fucking sociopath so I didn’t have any remorse, but I do. This is going to tear them apart. They will never forget it. [He then addresses his parents directly, if briefly] There is nothing you guys could have done to prevent any of this. There is nothing that anyone could have done to prevent this. No one is to blame except me and Vodka [Klebold’s nickname]. Our actions are a two man war against everyone else
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW?
This sums up the general reaction to Columbine, and this book is the explanation.
I would never have told you that I had access to Dylan’s every thought and feeling, but I would have said, with confidence, that I knew exactly what he was capable of. And I would have been wrong� I had raised a murderer without knowing it a person with such a faulty moral compass that he’d committed an atrocity. I was a fool, a sucker, a dolt. � I had been a “I want o meet your friends and their parents before you spend the night at their house� kind of parent. What good had it done?
OKAY THEN, WHY DID THEY DO IT?
The explanation Sue finally comes up with sounds inadequate � it amounts to the toxic nasty culture of bullying and belittling that goes on in every school and has had countless movies and tv shows made about it. And the reader is inclined to feel this explanation is inadequate. I did. But then I thought � yes, in the same way that many people think that the idea that Oswald was the sole shooter of JFK is inadequate; hence the conspiracy theories. So maybe Sue Klebold is right. The other part of the explanation she has is that Eric was a psychopath who wanted to kill people and his suicide was a byproduct of that whereas Dylan was a depressive who wanted to commit suicide and killing other people was the byproduct of his suicide. It sounds a little neat to me. But really, who can explain these things? At one point Sue asks of her own son “Was he evil?� and says well, no, I don’t think so. She spends pages talking about mental illness, then says even if he was diagnosable that’s no excuse. She spins in these nets of words like we all do.
Recommended.
June 13, 2017
Out of the worst tragedies there surely sprouts some specks light and hope. That seems to be the premise of this book and makes it the ideal choice for the buddy with whom I chose to read this. Pain and suffering seems to envelop people, but there are many more feelings and emotions that layer themselves within the larger narrative of grief. Sue Klebold has the insurmountable task of penning this piece and trying not to get lost in the accusations surrounding the pall left by her son. Dylan Klebold was one of the Columbine High School shooters, a murder spree whose infamy only grew in the months after events, once much of the evidence and backstory emerged. Sue Klebold seeks not to want to gloss over events or spend the entire book seeking pity from the reader, but to offer her own perspective of events and how she was blindsided by many of the narrative from April 20, 1999. The early chapters offer a cogent narrative of the events of the day and the period that followed, a time in which Sue and her husband, Tom, were crippled with doubt and guilt for what Dylan had done. Searching for answers, both in their own lives and that of their younger son, the Klebolds faced vilification over something they said they could not have predicted. As the book progresses, Klebold takes the reader back in time to depict Dylan as a loving boy who was extremely helpful and loving. However, with the power of hindsight, Klebold could see what might have been warning signs of the smallest order. Throughout, Klebold offers the argument that Dylan was a follower and that Eric Harris, his long-time friend and the other Columbine shooter, was the leader of this sadistic act. This is not to toss all the blame onto Harris, but Klebold posits throughout that her son's less aggressive nature surfaced in journal entries, recorded messages, and in footage of the actual school shooting. Addressing teen suicide and the inner turmoil that Dylan faced, Sue is blunt in her message to parents: do not ignore anything that seems out of place. Beneath the surface of any teenager's emotional expressions can be found torrential angst and calls for help. Had Sue and Tom Klebold delved deeper into Dylan's life as soon as they can issues, would Columbine have been averted? There is no way to tell and while media outlets seem to bask in finding a whipping boy, finger pointing serves no fruitful purpose. A powerful book that does offer insight, angst, pain, and confusion in all forms, Klebold is to be applauded for coming out and speaking about these hard issues in a frank manner. While it would be crass to choose any reading group that might 'like' this book, its insightful nature might prove useful to those who remember the Columbine shooting as they wrestle to better understand the chaos of that day.
After reading a stellar book on Columbine, many of my friends asked if I would consider reading Sue Klebold's biography/memoir to offer another interesting perspective. I will be the first to admit, I was hesitant. I did not want a sob story that bemoaned how the world had painted her with the same brush as her son, or that Dylan was the victim here, a youth that slipped through the cracks. Additionally, I expected a 'we wash our hands of this as we could not have known' piece. I could not have been more off base. Klebold takes responsibility as any parent would, but does not allow Dylan off scot-free for what he did. Klebold draws on all aspects of her life with Dylan: childhood, lead-up to the Columbine event, and her solo suffering with a son she never knew in the aftermath. Layered not only with poignant topics, but also some succinct diary excerpts to weigh-in on the discussion, the book flows wonderfully as it dissects some of the areas related to Dylan and the shooting. The blindside of what Dylan was going through, as well as the hindsight realisation that the signs were actually there shows Klebold at her most vulnerable. She pulls no punches in lashing out at those who seek to pummel her with the guilt of the event, but is also compassionate enough to realise that her presence might be too much for some parents to handle. While many of the books on school shootings focus on the terror and the victims, Klebold posits that the list of victims is exponentially larger, left to include those members of the perpetrators' families that did not see it coming. I was left loving the frankness of this book, but also hating it, as I cannot shake those sickening feeling in my stomach that left me asking, "Could this be Neo? Will I ever know if he is struggling and about to topple into this abyss?" I am sick with worry, admittedly, but I also know that I can only do so much. I must send my son to school, unaware if there will be a school shooting, just as I can only hope that I will foster an open and honest relationship with my son to ensure that I see any signs. Klebold has left me with that hope and for that I am eternally grateful.
Kudos, Madam Klebold for touching on so many important issues within this book. While I struggled with some of it, more because of my personal fears, I loved how open and honest you could be with all of it. I admire your strength and determination to get in front of all this.
Like/hate the review? An ever-growing collection of others appears at:
After reading a stellar book on Columbine, many of my friends asked if I would consider reading Sue Klebold's biography/memoir to offer another interesting perspective. I will be the first to admit, I was hesitant. I did not want a sob story that bemoaned how the world had painted her with the same brush as her son, or that Dylan was the victim here, a youth that slipped through the cracks. Additionally, I expected a 'we wash our hands of this as we could not have known' piece. I could not have been more off base. Klebold takes responsibility as any parent would, but does not allow Dylan off scot-free for what he did. Klebold draws on all aspects of her life with Dylan: childhood, lead-up to the Columbine event, and her solo suffering with a son she never knew in the aftermath. Layered not only with poignant topics, but also some succinct diary excerpts to weigh-in on the discussion, the book flows wonderfully as it dissects some of the areas related to Dylan and the shooting. The blindside of what Dylan was going through, as well as the hindsight realisation that the signs were actually there shows Klebold at her most vulnerable. She pulls no punches in lashing out at those who seek to pummel her with the guilt of the event, but is also compassionate enough to realise that her presence might be too much for some parents to handle. While many of the books on school shootings focus on the terror and the victims, Klebold posits that the list of victims is exponentially larger, left to include those members of the perpetrators' families that did not see it coming. I was left loving the frankness of this book, but also hating it, as I cannot shake those sickening feeling in my stomach that left me asking, "Could this be Neo? Will I ever know if he is struggling and about to topple into this abyss?" I am sick with worry, admittedly, but I also know that I can only do so much. I must send my son to school, unaware if there will be a school shooting, just as I can only hope that I will foster an open and honest relationship with my son to ensure that I see any signs. Klebold has left me with that hope and for that I am eternally grateful.
Kudos, Madam Klebold for touching on so many important issues within this book. While I struggled with some of it, more because of my personal fears, I loved how open and honest you could be with all of it. I admire your strength and determination to get in front of all this.
Like/hate the review? An ever-growing collection of others appears at:
May 1, 2019
*heavy sigh* I'm exhausted. It took me three very long days to get through this book and I honestly wish that I did not read it. This book is very hard to read and even harder to review. On the one hand, I sympathize with Klebold, but I have to say that I think publishing this book was a mistake.
Before I start this review, let me just say that I have nothing but compassion for Sue Klebold. I can't imagine the pain that she has gone through, and I certainly hope that writing this book brought her some peace. Personally, I don't think that her parenting methods were the driving factors that led Dylan to kill, and I think that she has handled the situation immediately after the Columbine tragedy admirably. I also believe that she is writing this book for the correct reasons. I get the impression that she is very remorseful for her son's action and feels extreme guilt about not stopping him.
That being said, this can be a very frustrating book with plenty of contradictions that I don't know if Klebold herself realizes. I hate to say it, but I think I was more sympathetic to her before I read this book. Most of my frustrations stem from what she wrote (and didn't write) in this book, and not her actions before or immediately after the Columbine attack. These are the issues that bothered me the most.
1. Misdirection: The magnaminous introduction insists that Klebold is not attempting to justify Dylan's actions. And while she doesn't directly do that, she does touch on most of the topics that the media has tossed around as possible "causes" for violence including: bullying, violent video games, gun control, depression, and more. Most of these topics have been studied since the Columbine incident and other more recent shootings and the findings have not been conclusive. While there is certainly a possibility that these factors could influence a child to commit violent acts, the way Klebold speculates on these various topics in the book without citing very many examples of specific evidence (scientific studies, her own personal observations, statistics since Columbine etc.) tends to muddy the waters a bit. The book also sends a very mixed message about Dylan's responsibility in the role. It's hard to say whether this was deliberate or not, but the message I received between the lines was. "My son is responsible for what he did. I'm not making excuses for what he did... but he was bullied, depressed, growing up in an increasingly violent culture, and exposed to weaponry so maybe it's not entirely his fault". Which brings up another issue I had...
2. Contradictions: I think most of my frustrations about the actual writing of the book come from the constant contradictions. Klebold insists that there were no warning signs in one part of the book, but later says that there WERE warning signs but not of the magnitude of a school shooting in another section. I'm willing to give her some benefit of the doubt and chalk this up to Klebold's inexperience at writing and perhaps a failing on the editor of the book.
3. Eric Harris: This was a really big source of confusion and irriation for me, Klebold spends a majority of this book attempting to humanize Dylan, emphasizing that he was depressed and troubled. This is completely understandable as his mother she was able to see a side of him that the media probably didn't want to focus on. However, she is very quick to demonize Eric as a psychopath and the main instigator. While numerous reports seem to indicate that yes Eric was the more dominant personality, BOTH Eric and Dylan committed violent crimes in the end. Dylan is just as guilty as Eric. He is not somehow less awful of a person because he drew hearts instead of swastikas. He might have felt more remorse or was less willing, but at the end of the day he committed very violent horrific crimes just like Eric committed horrific violent crimes. For the record, I'm not justifiying either's actions, but I think it isn't fair to write off Eric as a "psychopath" while Dylan is a "troubled child". It also seems odd that she is so quick to write him off. I understand that it would be very difficult to sympathize with a killer who you did not see as your son first, but if Eric truly was a "psychopath" wouldn't whatever conditions he suffered from fall under the umbrella of "brain health" and wouldn't he be worthy of the same level of compassion as Dylan? Speaking of which...
Mental/"Brain" Health: As someone who has been diagnosed with clinical depression and general anxiety, Klebold's confused stance on mental or "brain" health is one of the most frustrating elements of this book. I think Klebold is genuinely trying to be an advocate for people with depression, but she is doing it in a very misguided way and in some ways I feel like she's spreading a lot of misinformation. Klebold has become a brain health advocate, donating the proceeds of this book to depression/suicide research. And yes this is definitely commendable. She makes several good points about mental health, but I can't help but feel that maybe her emphasis on it is a mixed blessing. Since Columbine and Sandy Hook, numerous studies have found that people who suffer from mental illness are no more likely to commit violent crimes that people who do not (in fact they are more likely to be victims of violence). To date, the only real recurring trend among mass shooters is that they are young men who are able to obtain weapons. To be fair, Klebold does briefly mention the fact that there is not much to suggest a link between violence and depression, but then goes on at length to tie in Dylan's suicidal depression as one of the main causes for his involvement. This thinking seems a bit non-sequitur. Also, she brings up the topic of the stigma of mental illness and I completely agree that this is a major issue that we need to address as a society. However, she doesn't really seem to realize that school shooters have made this stigma worse and tying in Dylan's depression so heavily is only making it worse. (I have clinical depression and have volunteered as a suicide support person. People have admitted that they are slow to get help because they don't want to be labelled as violent or crazy). I don't think she realizes it or is doing it intentionally, but the way she frames Dylan's depression in the book puts a lot of the blame on the disease and not enough on Dylan's personal choices. Between the lines, it feels like she is making the argument that it was depression, not Dylan, that did the shootings. This is a dangerous notion and does a huge disservice to people who suffer from depression. The profits of this book will provide a very practical form of aid to groups that are dedicated to helping people who suffer from depression, but it was also make the burden of living with mental illness a little heavier for people who are already mistrusted by the general public. People who suffer from depression are not ticking timebombs who are one bad day away from being the next school shooter. Most of us are regular, normal people who are just trying live with a very challenging disease. I've found that every time a mass shooting is reported you inevitably hear people speculating on what possible mental illnesses he could have had (despite the fact that evidence has shown that very mass shooters are diagnosed with mental illnesses) and you feel awful, mainly because they are using words like "dangerous" and "crazy" being used to describe a person who might have had the same disease that you have. It's not a good feeling. Don't get me wrong, I think Sue Klebold's heart is in the right place and she is genuinely trying to help. She believes that depression drove Dylan to a dark place and he made some bad choices and because of this she wants to help others who are struggling. This in itself is a noble pursuit and I commend her for it, but at the same time I think she needs to make more of effort to be a "good" mental health advocate. Dylan might have had depression, but Dylan chose to do terrible things. Even the way she refers to mental health as "brain" health suggests that Dylan's thinking and decision making skills were being controlled by some disease. Depression CAN influence your emotions and how you act, but it does not rob you of your autonomy. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have discussed depression at all. It certainly played a role in Dylan's life, but I wish she would have handled the subject a bit better.
Also, I really don't want to judge Susan Klebold or her parenting, after all hindsight is 20/20 and this is not a typical parenting scenario, but there a few moments where I couldn't understand her logic. For example: when she preaches the ten commandments to Dylan after he is caught committing a crime. This is a family where, by her own admission, organized religion never played a large role. Why should Dylan hold the ten commandments very high in esteem when Christianity had never influenced his morals too heavily. Another odd moment, is when Klebold describes a moment when she shoved him against a fridge for missing mother's day. This seems like an oddly intense reaction for an insensitive teenage moment. The fact that Dylan's brother also struggled within the home also seems to suggest that there were some other familial issues at play.
There is also a pattern of behavior that I noticed right away, but Klebold doesn't ever acknowledge in the book (Either she wasn't aware of this herself or she chose not to write about it in the book, I honestly don't know). Klebold tends to undermine the authority of many people/institutions who attempt to punish Dylan. Some examples from the book include:
1. the incident where Dylan uses confidential info to open other kids' lockers: Klebold implies that the punishment was unnecessarily harsh and that the dean was simply trying to get through the situation as quickly as possible.
2. The incident where Dylan defaces a locker: Klebold states that they felt the price of repairing the locker was too much and informs him that he "cannot let the obnoxious behavior of others upset him"
3. The incident where Dylan is arrested with Eric for stealing property from a company: Klebold tells him to obey the Ten Commandments and is able to get Dylan enrolled in a Divergence program instead of serving jail time.
4. The incident where Tom Klebold admonishes Dylan for wearing his baseball cap indoors: Klebold implies that her husband is being unnecessarily harsh.
5. The flask incident: When Dylan confesses taking a flask of alcohol to the prom, Klebold allows the act to go unpunished.
The message always seems to be that Dylan is a victim in an overly harsh world. Is there a possibility that this sent an unknowingly dangerous message to a troubled Dylan? Or worse did this teach a confusing lesson about consequences and that there ways to get out of punishment without taking responsibility for your actions? Again, I'm not criticizing her parenting, I think many other parents would have probably acted in similar ways, but I also think that's why she could have explored this in more detail. I think discussing her parenting methods might have provided some valuable insight to others who might be going through a similar situation.
Along those lines, I had also had an alternative theory to Dylan's reasons for telling Klebold about the flask. Klebold seems to believe that there is a possibility that he was either being honest with her or this was a cruel lie on Dylan's part just to see if he could get away with it. I couldn't help but wonder if this was a cry for help? Many parenting experts state that children desire structure in order to create a reassuring order to their lives. Klebold also states throughout the book that she believes that Dylan was attempting to pull himself out of the darkness of his depression. I can't help but wonder if Dylan WANTED her to punish him. To ground him or yell or freak out or something. Not because he wanted consequences and punishment, but because he wanted the reassurance that if he went too far someone would pull him back. Maybe this was his way of saying "I can't stop myself. I need you to stop me." Again, this is just a theory, but maybe it was a possibility? I don't think Klebold gave her son the desire to kill. I think she genuinely loved her son and thought that we protecting him. This is a maternal instinct that I'm sure many people understand. However, I think she might have played a part in making it possible for him to kill. She vaguely addresses her culpability throughout the book (usually by referring to herself as "the mother of a Columbine killer"), but she very rarely spells out the potential flaws in her parenting that might have allowed this to happen. And I don't point this out simply to accuse her, but I feel that if she have been a bit more honest about her parenting she could help others in her situation and provide some valuable insight into mass shootings. After reading numerous books on the subject, I believe that Columbine was able to happen because of three things. 1. No one believed that Eric and Dylan had the desire to kill hundreds of people. 2. No one believed that Eric and Dylan were emotionally capable of doing such a thing, and 3. No one believed that Eric and Dylan had the means to carry out something like this. Because of this, no one was looking for "signs" that would have tipped off the massacre (for the record, when I say no one I include Sue, her husband, Eric's family, their friends, the teachers, law enforcement, and the general community. It wasn't just Sue who missed some things). This is going to sound harsh and I truly don't mean it as an accusation, but merely a statement of fact. Sue, her husband, and potentially the community at large could have stopped Eric and Dylan IF they had known what to look for. From purely a logistical standpoint, if they had any inkling that Eric or Dylan were planning this they could have contacted the authorities and prevented the massacre. But they did not know, and that doesn't make them bad people or ineffective or uncaring parents or indifferent or cruel or unintelligent. It simply means they weren't equipped with the knowledge to find out what their kids were up to. They are not responsible for Columbine. However, being the mother of a Columbine student puts Sue Klebold in a tragic, but unique position. She has the gift of hindsight. She can look back and find the cracks in numerous systems, including her parenting, and equip other parents with the knowledge that she didn't have and possibly prevent another school shooting. Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that truly is not capable of seeing any of the things that I pointed previously, she could give her story to other experts who could possibly see the signs that she is too close to see. And believe me, I know that what I am suggesting would not be in the slightest bit easy. I can't image how hard it would be for a mother to subject her son's memory and her parenting to that level of scrutiny, but in the end I believe it could help save lives. In addition to offering insight, I think one of the most productive things she can do is to help dismantle the Columbine myth which has served as the origin story for so many other school shooters and that means clearing up the misunderstood loner myth. Unfortunately, I don't feel like Klebold uses her platform to do any of that in this book. She places most of the blame on depression and Eric and continues to speculate on potential causes without really taking a hard look at Dylan and the decisions that she personally made.
Like I said before, I think Sue Klebold is a good person at heart, but she fixates on being perceived as a "good" or "bad" mother and Dylan as being a "good" or "bad" kid. The tone of this book is heartbreaking and it as if Klebold is begging for someone to tell her. "You did all you could. You didn't do anything to make Dylan violent. There was nothing you could do to stop it." Her ex-husband and surviving son as well as some of the family members of the Columbine victims have stated that they were against the writing of this book, believing that it would open old wounds. I can see where they are coming from. I feel like this book doesn't add anything substantial to the mass shooting conversation, and can be at times misleading about mental health issues, school violence, and accountability. Despite all that, I do hope that this book gives her the peace she is seeking.
Before I start this review, let me just say that I have nothing but compassion for Sue Klebold. I can't imagine the pain that she has gone through, and I certainly hope that writing this book brought her some peace. Personally, I don't think that her parenting methods were the driving factors that led Dylan to kill, and I think that she has handled the situation immediately after the Columbine tragedy admirably. I also believe that she is writing this book for the correct reasons. I get the impression that she is very remorseful for her son's action and feels extreme guilt about not stopping him.
That being said, this can be a very frustrating book with plenty of contradictions that I don't know if Klebold herself realizes. I hate to say it, but I think I was more sympathetic to her before I read this book. Most of my frustrations stem from what she wrote (and didn't write) in this book, and not her actions before or immediately after the Columbine attack. These are the issues that bothered me the most.
1. Misdirection: The magnaminous introduction insists that Klebold is not attempting to justify Dylan's actions. And while she doesn't directly do that, she does touch on most of the topics that the media has tossed around as possible "causes" for violence including: bullying, violent video games, gun control, depression, and more. Most of these topics have been studied since the Columbine incident and other more recent shootings and the findings have not been conclusive. While there is certainly a possibility that these factors could influence a child to commit violent acts, the way Klebold speculates on these various topics in the book without citing very many examples of specific evidence (scientific studies, her own personal observations, statistics since Columbine etc.) tends to muddy the waters a bit. The book also sends a very mixed message about Dylan's responsibility in the role. It's hard to say whether this was deliberate or not, but the message I received between the lines was. "My son is responsible for what he did. I'm not making excuses for what he did... but he was bullied, depressed, growing up in an increasingly violent culture, and exposed to weaponry so maybe it's not entirely his fault". Which brings up another issue I had...
2. Contradictions: I think most of my frustrations about the actual writing of the book come from the constant contradictions. Klebold insists that there were no warning signs in one part of the book, but later says that there WERE warning signs but not of the magnitude of a school shooting in another section. I'm willing to give her some benefit of the doubt and chalk this up to Klebold's inexperience at writing and perhaps a failing on the editor of the book.
3. Eric Harris: This was a really big source of confusion and irriation for me, Klebold spends a majority of this book attempting to humanize Dylan, emphasizing that he was depressed and troubled. This is completely understandable as his mother she was able to see a side of him that the media probably didn't want to focus on. However, she is very quick to demonize Eric as a psychopath and the main instigator. While numerous reports seem to indicate that yes Eric was the more dominant personality, BOTH Eric and Dylan committed violent crimes in the end. Dylan is just as guilty as Eric. He is not somehow less awful of a person because he drew hearts instead of swastikas. He might have felt more remorse or was less willing, but at the end of the day he committed very violent horrific crimes just like Eric committed horrific violent crimes. For the record, I'm not justifiying either's actions, but I think it isn't fair to write off Eric as a "psychopath" while Dylan is a "troubled child". It also seems odd that she is so quick to write him off. I understand that it would be very difficult to sympathize with a killer who you did not see as your son first, but if Eric truly was a "psychopath" wouldn't whatever conditions he suffered from fall under the umbrella of "brain health" and wouldn't he be worthy of the same level of compassion as Dylan? Speaking of which...
Mental/"Brain" Health: As someone who has been diagnosed with clinical depression and general anxiety, Klebold's confused stance on mental or "brain" health is one of the most frustrating elements of this book. I think Klebold is genuinely trying to be an advocate for people with depression, but she is doing it in a very misguided way and in some ways I feel like she's spreading a lot of misinformation. Klebold has become a brain health advocate, donating the proceeds of this book to depression/suicide research. And yes this is definitely commendable. She makes several good points about mental health, but I can't help but feel that maybe her emphasis on it is a mixed blessing. Since Columbine and Sandy Hook, numerous studies have found that people who suffer from mental illness are no more likely to commit violent crimes that people who do not (in fact they are more likely to be victims of violence). To date, the only real recurring trend among mass shooters is that they are young men who are able to obtain weapons. To be fair, Klebold does briefly mention the fact that there is not much to suggest a link between violence and depression, but then goes on at length to tie in Dylan's suicidal depression as one of the main causes for his involvement. This thinking seems a bit non-sequitur. Also, she brings up the topic of the stigma of mental illness and I completely agree that this is a major issue that we need to address as a society. However, she doesn't really seem to realize that school shooters have made this stigma worse and tying in Dylan's depression so heavily is only making it worse. (I have clinical depression and have volunteered as a suicide support person. People have admitted that they are slow to get help because they don't want to be labelled as violent or crazy). I don't think she realizes it or is doing it intentionally, but the way she frames Dylan's depression in the book puts a lot of the blame on the disease and not enough on Dylan's personal choices. Between the lines, it feels like she is making the argument that it was depression, not Dylan, that did the shootings. This is a dangerous notion and does a huge disservice to people who suffer from depression. The profits of this book will provide a very practical form of aid to groups that are dedicated to helping people who suffer from depression, but it was also make the burden of living with mental illness a little heavier for people who are already mistrusted by the general public. People who suffer from depression are not ticking timebombs who are one bad day away from being the next school shooter. Most of us are regular, normal people who are just trying live with a very challenging disease. I've found that every time a mass shooting is reported you inevitably hear people speculating on what possible mental illnesses he could have had (despite the fact that evidence has shown that very mass shooters are diagnosed with mental illnesses) and you feel awful, mainly because they are using words like "dangerous" and "crazy" being used to describe a person who might have had the same disease that you have. It's not a good feeling. Don't get me wrong, I think Sue Klebold's heart is in the right place and she is genuinely trying to help. She believes that depression drove Dylan to a dark place and he made some bad choices and because of this she wants to help others who are struggling. This in itself is a noble pursuit and I commend her for it, but at the same time I think she needs to make more of effort to be a "good" mental health advocate. Dylan might have had depression, but Dylan chose to do terrible things. Even the way she refers to mental health as "brain" health suggests that Dylan's thinking and decision making skills were being controlled by some disease. Depression CAN influence your emotions and how you act, but it does not rob you of your autonomy. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have discussed depression at all. It certainly played a role in Dylan's life, but I wish she would have handled the subject a bit better.
Also, I really don't want to judge Susan Klebold or her parenting, after all hindsight is 20/20 and this is not a typical parenting scenario, but there a few moments where I couldn't understand her logic. For example: when she preaches the ten commandments to Dylan after he is caught committing a crime. This is a family where, by her own admission, organized religion never played a large role. Why should Dylan hold the ten commandments very high in esteem when Christianity had never influenced his morals too heavily. Another odd moment, is when Klebold describes a moment when she shoved him against a fridge for missing mother's day. This seems like an oddly intense reaction for an insensitive teenage moment. The fact that Dylan's brother also struggled within the home also seems to suggest that there were some other familial issues at play.
There is also a pattern of behavior that I noticed right away, but Klebold doesn't ever acknowledge in the book (Either she wasn't aware of this herself or she chose not to write about it in the book, I honestly don't know). Klebold tends to undermine the authority of many people/institutions who attempt to punish Dylan. Some examples from the book include:
1. the incident where Dylan uses confidential info to open other kids' lockers: Klebold implies that the punishment was unnecessarily harsh and that the dean was simply trying to get through the situation as quickly as possible.
2. The incident where Dylan defaces a locker: Klebold states that they felt the price of repairing the locker was too much and informs him that he "cannot let the obnoxious behavior of others upset him"
3. The incident where Dylan is arrested with Eric for stealing property from a company: Klebold tells him to obey the Ten Commandments and is able to get Dylan enrolled in a Divergence program instead of serving jail time.
4. The incident where Tom Klebold admonishes Dylan for wearing his baseball cap indoors: Klebold implies that her husband is being unnecessarily harsh.
5. The flask incident: When Dylan confesses taking a flask of alcohol to the prom, Klebold allows the act to go unpunished.
The message always seems to be that Dylan is a victim in an overly harsh world. Is there a possibility that this sent an unknowingly dangerous message to a troubled Dylan? Or worse did this teach a confusing lesson about consequences and that there ways to get out of punishment without taking responsibility for your actions? Again, I'm not criticizing her parenting, I think many other parents would have probably acted in similar ways, but I also think that's why she could have explored this in more detail. I think discussing her parenting methods might have provided some valuable insight to others who might be going through a similar situation.
Along those lines, I had also had an alternative theory to Dylan's reasons for telling Klebold about the flask. Klebold seems to believe that there is a possibility that he was either being honest with her or this was a cruel lie on Dylan's part just to see if he could get away with it. I couldn't help but wonder if this was a cry for help? Many parenting experts state that children desire structure in order to create a reassuring order to their lives. Klebold also states throughout the book that she believes that Dylan was attempting to pull himself out of the darkness of his depression. I can't help but wonder if Dylan WANTED her to punish him. To ground him or yell or freak out or something. Not because he wanted consequences and punishment, but because he wanted the reassurance that if he went too far someone would pull him back. Maybe this was his way of saying "I can't stop myself. I need you to stop me." Again, this is just a theory, but maybe it was a possibility? I don't think Klebold gave her son the desire to kill. I think she genuinely loved her son and thought that we protecting him. This is a maternal instinct that I'm sure many people understand. However, I think she might have played a part in making it possible for him to kill. She vaguely addresses her culpability throughout the book (usually by referring to herself as "the mother of a Columbine killer"), but she very rarely spells out the potential flaws in her parenting that might have allowed this to happen. And I don't point this out simply to accuse her, but I feel that if she have been a bit more honest about her parenting she could help others in her situation and provide some valuable insight into mass shootings. After reading numerous books on the subject, I believe that Columbine was able to happen because of three things. 1. No one believed that Eric and Dylan had the desire to kill hundreds of people. 2. No one believed that Eric and Dylan were emotionally capable of doing such a thing, and 3. No one believed that Eric and Dylan had the means to carry out something like this. Because of this, no one was looking for "signs" that would have tipped off the massacre (for the record, when I say no one I include Sue, her husband, Eric's family, their friends, the teachers, law enforcement, and the general community. It wasn't just Sue who missed some things). This is going to sound harsh and I truly don't mean it as an accusation, but merely a statement of fact. Sue, her husband, and potentially the community at large could have stopped Eric and Dylan IF they had known what to look for. From purely a logistical standpoint, if they had any inkling that Eric or Dylan were planning this they could have contacted the authorities and prevented the massacre. But they did not know, and that doesn't make them bad people or ineffective or uncaring parents or indifferent or cruel or unintelligent. It simply means they weren't equipped with the knowledge to find out what their kids were up to. They are not responsible for Columbine. However, being the mother of a Columbine student puts Sue Klebold in a tragic, but unique position. She has the gift of hindsight. She can look back and find the cracks in numerous systems, including her parenting, and equip other parents with the knowledge that she didn't have and possibly prevent another school shooting. Even if I give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that truly is not capable of seeing any of the things that I pointed previously, she could give her story to other experts who could possibly see the signs that she is too close to see. And believe me, I know that what I am suggesting would not be in the slightest bit easy. I can't image how hard it would be for a mother to subject her son's memory and her parenting to that level of scrutiny, but in the end I believe it could help save lives. In addition to offering insight, I think one of the most productive things she can do is to help dismantle the Columbine myth which has served as the origin story for so many other school shooters and that means clearing up the misunderstood loner myth. Unfortunately, I don't feel like Klebold uses her platform to do any of that in this book. She places most of the blame on depression and Eric and continues to speculate on potential causes without really taking a hard look at Dylan and the decisions that she personally made.
Like I said before, I think Sue Klebold is a good person at heart, but she fixates on being perceived as a "good" or "bad" mother and Dylan as being a "good" or "bad" kid. The tone of this book is heartbreaking and it as if Klebold is begging for someone to tell her. "You did all you could. You didn't do anything to make Dylan violent. There was nothing you could do to stop it." Her ex-husband and surviving son as well as some of the family members of the Columbine victims have stated that they were against the writing of this book, believing that it would open old wounds. I can see where they are coming from. I feel like this book doesn't add anything substantial to the mass shooting conversation, and can be at times misleading about mental health issues, school violence, and accountability. Despite all that, I do hope that this book gives her the peace she is seeking.
March 18, 2020
I think now more than ever in a time when the Internet and Social Media has become such a huge part of teenagers and children's every day life and parents struggle to know exactly what their kids are browsing or becoming sucked into, this book raises important alarms or even important discussions which as parents we need to be having.
I had recently read and when a goodreads member reviewed by Sue Klebold I really wanted to read it to try and understand why a teenager could commit such horrific crimes.
This book is written 16 years after the horrific massacre and the writer is Sue Klebold, the mother of of Dylan Klebold who walked into Columbine High School in Littleton Colorado along with his friend Eric Harris and killed 12 of their fellow students and a teacher and wounded twenty four others before taking their own lifes. The book focuses on the aftermath of the tragedy and how the family tried to come to terms and understand what had happened to turn their son into a murderer and how they struggled on a daily basis with the stress and grief.
The book is superbly written and you cant help feeling this mother's pain as she struggles to understand why her son who is precious to her and her family could do something so horrific and as a mother of a teenage son it just doesn't bear thinking about and to be honest I found the book at times quite difficult reading and yet Sue Klebold tells her story so well, never seeking pity and always trying to convey how regular a family they were and what signs she thinks she missed that Dylan was troubled. This is her story and I thought she did an excellent job in telling it.
How do you go on after this has happened to your family, the shame, the guilt the anger the sadness, the hurt and the huge sense of responsibility is overwhelming on every level but I think the book while helping her as a mother come to some sort of understanding may well be a valuable tool in helping other parents who are struggling with teenagers and need to understand the signs of when intervention or help is needed.
I listened to this book on audio and Sue Klebold is the narrator and I thought she did a wonderful job on the audio as well as the book.
I had recently read and when a goodreads member reviewed by Sue Klebold I really wanted to read it to try and understand why a teenager could commit such horrific crimes.
This book is written 16 years after the horrific massacre and the writer is Sue Klebold, the mother of of Dylan Klebold who walked into Columbine High School in Littleton Colorado along with his friend Eric Harris and killed 12 of their fellow students and a teacher and wounded twenty four others before taking their own lifes. The book focuses on the aftermath of the tragedy and how the family tried to come to terms and understand what had happened to turn their son into a murderer and how they struggled on a daily basis with the stress and grief.
The book is superbly written and you cant help feeling this mother's pain as she struggles to understand why her son who is precious to her and her family could do something so horrific and as a mother of a teenage son it just doesn't bear thinking about and to be honest I found the book at times quite difficult reading and yet Sue Klebold tells her story so well, never seeking pity and always trying to convey how regular a family they were and what signs she thinks she missed that Dylan was troubled. This is her story and I thought she did an excellent job in telling it.
How do you go on after this has happened to your family, the shame, the guilt the anger the sadness, the hurt and the huge sense of responsibility is overwhelming on every level but I think the book while helping her as a mother come to some sort of understanding may well be a valuable tool in helping other parents who are struggling with teenagers and need to understand the signs of when intervention or help is needed.
I listened to this book on audio and Sue Klebold is the narrator and I thought she did a wonderful job on the audio as well as the book.
July 27, 2022
3.5 stars.
An intimate and emotional look into the family life of one of the Columbine shooters.
On April 20, 1999, Dylan Klebold, along with one other student, walked into Columbine high school with an array of guns and bombs. Together they killed twelve students and one teacher and wounded twenty four others. This book is Sue Klebold’s, Dylan’s mother, story.
I can understand how writing this book would have been therapeutic for Sue. Written sixteen years after the massacre, Sue is able to provide some insight into Dylan’s life and how this devastating event came as a completely unexpected shock that she is still trying to process.
I appreciated learning learning about Dylan’s childhood and just how ‘normal� he seemed until this tragic day. Sue was very clear that there were no warning signs that she missed. I felt the emotional pull of Sue’s words at the start of the book, however, my emotional connection TO SUE faded as the book went on (my emotional connection to the devastating tragedy remains high). After the first couple chapters, the book became focused on Sue’s grief and her personal loss as a mother rather than the worlds� loss during this tragedy. It turned from panic-filled to preachy. There became a selfish tone to the book which is totally understandable and acceptable as it’s her memoir, but some of it rubbed me the wrong way. I felt Sue was trying to convince the reader that her son was a “good boy�, a “golden boy� and she had no warning signs that this was coming. It felt preachy at times, like she was trying to absolve herself of any fault, which in many ways I can’t blame her for but it felt forceful and like she was trying too hard.
As a mother, I couldn’t help but put myself in the shoes of the parents of the victims so I often found Sue’s words uncomfortable and (slightly) offensive. Sue focused on the love she had and still has for Dylan which is a brave thing to admit. Sue’s strength and determination is admirable in all that she has faced and overcome since the shooting.
One thing that stood out for me was the demand for ethical reporting and just how important this is. Mass media sensationalizes tragedies like this which has been proven to cause others to be intrigued and inspired by these heinous acts. Media needs to be strictly controlled when reporting on these types of events.
This memoir is definitely one I will never forget. I listened to the majority on audio, narrated by Sue herself. The audio was done well and added a personalization to the story that made it even more impactful.
Thank you to my lovely local library for the audio loan!
An intimate and emotional look into the family life of one of the Columbine shooters.
On April 20, 1999, Dylan Klebold, along with one other student, walked into Columbine high school with an array of guns and bombs. Together they killed twelve students and one teacher and wounded twenty four others. This book is Sue Klebold’s, Dylan’s mother, story.
I can understand how writing this book would have been therapeutic for Sue. Written sixteen years after the massacre, Sue is able to provide some insight into Dylan’s life and how this devastating event came as a completely unexpected shock that she is still trying to process.
I appreciated learning learning about Dylan’s childhood and just how ‘normal� he seemed until this tragic day. Sue was very clear that there were no warning signs that she missed. I felt the emotional pull of Sue’s words at the start of the book, however, my emotional connection TO SUE faded as the book went on (my emotional connection to the devastating tragedy remains high). After the first couple chapters, the book became focused on Sue’s grief and her personal loss as a mother rather than the worlds� loss during this tragedy. It turned from panic-filled to preachy. There became a selfish tone to the book which is totally understandable and acceptable as it’s her memoir, but some of it rubbed me the wrong way. I felt Sue was trying to convince the reader that her son was a “good boy�, a “golden boy� and she had no warning signs that this was coming. It felt preachy at times, like she was trying to absolve herself of any fault, which in many ways I can’t blame her for but it felt forceful and like she was trying too hard.
As a mother, I couldn’t help but put myself in the shoes of the parents of the victims so I often found Sue’s words uncomfortable and (slightly) offensive. Sue focused on the love she had and still has for Dylan which is a brave thing to admit. Sue’s strength and determination is admirable in all that she has faced and overcome since the shooting.
One thing that stood out for me was the demand for ethical reporting and just how important this is. Mass media sensationalizes tragedies like this which has been proven to cause others to be intrigued and inspired by these heinous acts. Media needs to be strictly controlled when reporting on these types of events.
This memoir is definitely one I will never forget. I listened to the majority on audio, narrated by Sue herself. The audio was done well and added a personalization to the story that made it even more impactful.
Thank you to my lovely local library for the audio loan!
September 9, 2024
April 20, 1999. The day the Columbine High School shooting in Littleton, CO that left 12 students, one teacher, and two perpetrators dead. Dylan Klebold was one of the shooters. Sixteen years later, Sue Klebold, Dylan's mother, wrote . I listened to it on audiobook; it is narrated by Klebold.
Klebold has always kept a journal. Her journal entries provided much of the material on how dramatically their lives changed that tragic day as well as the ensuing years unearthing and struggling to understand what caused her son to become a killer. The scariest part of the book, and the key message she is portraying, is that there weren't any obvious signs that Dylan's thoughts had turned to harming others and himself.
I admire Klebold's raw, poignant, gut-wrenching self-reflection and remorse. 100% of the proceeds of the sale of are donated to organizations that advocate for suicide prevention, mental health, and violence.
I was working in Littleton, CO in 1999 and vividly remember being out for lunch when the news came on the radio. I raced back to work because we had employees who had children who attended Columbine High School. My husband and I kept the television off that day until our two young children went to bed. We did not sleep well that night because we knew many parents were awake in their homes because their children at Columbine did not come home from school that day.
The next day as I drove to work, a friend of mine called me and asked if I had spoken to my five-year old son about what happened at Columbine. I replied, "Absolutely not." My friend had just listened to an interview with a psychologist who advised that parents speak to their young children about Columbine. The psychologist indicated that if parents don't speak to their kids about the event, the kids would hear about it on the playground from their classmates.
I went to my son's elementary school and removed him from class so that I could take him to a nearby Burger King and have a conversation about Columbine. It broke my heart that I had to have that conversation. The surprising thing was the great questions that he asked me, including "If bad people come into my school, what do you want me to do?"
I can't even begin to imagine the horror and grief that all parents experience when their children die due to violence. Klebold's book helps all of us look for and inquire about signs of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and any other indicators of mental health issues.
Klebold has always kept a journal. Her journal entries provided much of the material on how dramatically their lives changed that tragic day as well as the ensuing years unearthing and struggling to understand what caused her son to become a killer. The scariest part of the book, and the key message she is portraying, is that there weren't any obvious signs that Dylan's thoughts had turned to harming others and himself.
I admire Klebold's raw, poignant, gut-wrenching self-reflection and remorse. 100% of the proceeds of the sale of are donated to organizations that advocate for suicide prevention, mental health, and violence.
I was working in Littleton, CO in 1999 and vividly remember being out for lunch when the news came on the radio. I raced back to work because we had employees who had children who attended Columbine High School. My husband and I kept the television off that day until our two young children went to bed. We did not sleep well that night because we knew many parents were awake in their homes because their children at Columbine did not come home from school that day.
The next day as I drove to work, a friend of mine called me and asked if I had spoken to my five-year old son about what happened at Columbine. I replied, "Absolutely not." My friend had just listened to an interview with a psychologist who advised that parents speak to their young children about Columbine. The psychologist indicated that if parents don't speak to their kids about the event, the kids would hear about it on the playground from their classmates.
I went to my son's elementary school and removed him from class so that I could take him to a nearby Burger King and have a conversation about Columbine. It broke my heart that I had to have that conversation. The surprising thing was the great questions that he asked me, including "If bad people come into my school, what do you want me to do?"
I can't even begin to imagine the horror and grief that all parents experience when their children die due to violence. Klebold's book helps all of us look for and inquire about signs of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and any other indicators of mental health issues.
July 4, 2018
4.5 Stars
TW: Suicide, gun violence, gore, the general graphic nature of homicide/suicide
All I can say is wow. I had a set of expectations for this book, and it surpassed even that. I knew it would be dark and haunting, but I think this will have a much more lasting impression on me than I could have ever anticipated. I listened to the audiobook that Sue narrates, and I can't remember the last time I've listened to an audiobook on 1x (regular) speed and absolutely drank in every word. I didn't want to put this down, it was such a capturing read. In a way it was like watching a trainwreck you just couldn't look away from even though you know it's tragic and there's suffering beyond anything you'll understand.
This fits in the category of memoirs that are just beyond my experience and therefore, my true comprehension. I've read memoirs from people you couldn't pay me a billion dollars to trade places with, and this is one of those. Sue's story stretched my sympathy to monumental lengths, and I can't imagine how much more impactful this book would be to someone who has children. Hearing Sue's story as someone who doesn't even want kids was heartbreaking enough, but I can't imagine being her intended audience (parents) and having to hear her points about how sometimes loving your child isn't enough to save them and they have interior lives you can truly never know. One of the parts that stuck with me most was during the initial months of her grieving after they lost Dylan, Sue's husband told her, "I wish he had killed us too." That, alongside the scene where she describes going to the Columbine library and seeing the bloodstains on the ground, were so impactful and heartbreaking that I had to pause the audiobook and take a break to cry and reflect. It's truly one of the most haunting books I've ever read, especially considering Sue's detailed backstory of Dylan's "normal" childhood and upbringing.
And the way Sue writes about and frames her experience was a complete shock. I was expecting this to be a very self-based memoir discussing her life in April 1999 and the years onward, which it largely is for the first half. Like I mentioned earlier, I thought it would be very based around discussing Dylan's normality and deflecting blame. But the way that Sue recovered from this tragedy and educated herself on suicide and school shootings, and the amount of research that went into this book was SO unexpected. It's not just a self-indulgent story about how sad she is and her excuses about what could have gone wrong; it's a regretful admission that she could have done better, but also a call-to-action for others to recognize suicide and mental health and the ways to prevent tragedy moving forward. She doesn't at all dismiss Dylan's unforeseen mental health issues, and once again, it astonished me how decisively she tackled the discussions, rumors, conspiracies, backlash, and everything else. I can't emphasize how impressed I am by this. Sometimes I feel like the format of this was lacking, like Sue would reference a certain event two or three times throughout different parts of the book, and it would seem a bit aimless and like it needed more editing to make it more chronological. Still, the second section of the book addressing suicide/homicide causes and prevention was so important, I can hardly discount this minor issue I had with it.
However, I need to disclaim that although this book surpassed my expectations content-wise, it also surpassed a threshold of graphic content I could handle. Nothing was explicitly graphic while listening that made me sick, but the lingering vibe of this book after I put it down was so unsettling that I couldn't sleep for two nights. I had to turn on cartoons just to be able to calm myself down because this could be so dark and lingering. (It didn't help that I got curious and Googled some of the pictures that Sue was mentioning being leaked and...... I regret.) So definitely be in a stable headspace when you go to read this, because it can quickly dismantle any good standing with mental health you've achieved. It's very penetrating, dark material. Nevertheless, I don't regret reading this and I definitely will never forget it.
TW: Suicide, gun violence, gore, the general graphic nature of homicide/suicide
All I can say is wow. I had a set of expectations for this book, and it surpassed even that. I knew it would be dark and haunting, but I think this will have a much more lasting impression on me than I could have ever anticipated. I listened to the audiobook that Sue narrates, and I can't remember the last time I've listened to an audiobook on 1x (regular) speed and absolutely drank in every word. I didn't want to put this down, it was such a capturing read. In a way it was like watching a trainwreck you just couldn't look away from even though you know it's tragic and there's suffering beyond anything you'll understand.
This fits in the category of memoirs that are just beyond my experience and therefore, my true comprehension. I've read memoirs from people you couldn't pay me a billion dollars to trade places with, and this is one of those. Sue's story stretched my sympathy to monumental lengths, and I can't imagine how much more impactful this book would be to someone who has children. Hearing Sue's story as someone who doesn't even want kids was heartbreaking enough, but I can't imagine being her intended audience (parents) and having to hear her points about how sometimes loving your child isn't enough to save them and they have interior lives you can truly never know. One of the parts that stuck with me most was during the initial months of her grieving after they lost Dylan, Sue's husband told her, "I wish he had killed us too." That, alongside the scene where she describes going to the Columbine library and seeing the bloodstains on the ground, were so impactful and heartbreaking that I had to pause the audiobook and take a break to cry and reflect. It's truly one of the most haunting books I've ever read, especially considering Sue's detailed backstory of Dylan's "normal" childhood and upbringing.
And the way Sue writes about and frames her experience was a complete shock. I was expecting this to be a very self-based memoir discussing her life in April 1999 and the years onward, which it largely is for the first half. Like I mentioned earlier, I thought it would be very based around discussing Dylan's normality and deflecting blame. But the way that Sue recovered from this tragedy and educated herself on suicide and school shootings, and the amount of research that went into this book was SO unexpected. It's not just a self-indulgent story about how sad she is and her excuses about what could have gone wrong; it's a regretful admission that she could have done better, but also a call-to-action for others to recognize suicide and mental health and the ways to prevent tragedy moving forward. She doesn't at all dismiss Dylan's unforeseen mental health issues, and once again, it astonished me how decisively she tackled the discussions, rumors, conspiracies, backlash, and everything else. I can't emphasize how impressed I am by this. Sometimes I feel like the format of this was lacking, like Sue would reference a certain event two or three times throughout different parts of the book, and it would seem a bit aimless and like it needed more editing to make it more chronological. Still, the second section of the book addressing suicide/homicide causes and prevention was so important, I can hardly discount this minor issue I had with it.
However, I need to disclaim that although this book surpassed my expectations content-wise, it also surpassed a threshold of graphic content I could handle. Nothing was explicitly graphic while listening that made me sick, but the lingering vibe of this book after I put it down was so unsettling that I couldn't sleep for two nights. I had to turn on cartoons just to be able to calm myself down because this could be so dark and lingering. (It didn't help that I got curious and Googled some of the pictures that Sue was mentioning being leaked and...... I regret.) So definitely be in a stable headspace when you go to read this, because it can quickly dismantle any good standing with mental health you've achieved. It's very penetrating, dark material. Nevertheless, I don't regret reading this and I definitely will never forget it.
July 4, 2021
3.5 stars
Sue and Tom Klebold's son - Dylan Klebold - was one of the Columbine High School shooters. On April 20, 1999 Dylan and his friend Eric Harris brought explosives and guns to school, apparently planning to cause mass carnage by blowing up the building. The bombs failed to go off but the boys did roam the school spraying bullets; they killed 12 students and a teacher, wounded 24 others, and then committed suicide.
Dylan Klebold
Eric Harris
Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris roaming the halls of Columbine High School with firearms
Sue Klebold starts this memoir by taking us through that day from her point of view. Alerted by a phone call that there were shootings at Columbine High School Sue was stunned and frightened - and like most parents - worried about her child. Was he shot? Was he injured? Was he dead? Then, learning that her son was actually one of the shooters, Sue's world fell apart. Disbelief! Shock! Horror! How could Dylan do such a thing! This couldn't be true! It must be a mistake!.
Grief at Columbine High School
But it wasn't a mistake and the police descended on the Klebold home to search for bombs and guns (the police found nothing). Meanwhile, Sue, Tom, and their oldest son Byron numbly wandered around their driveway, unable to take it in. An aggressive press and a furious public made it necessary for the Klebolds to take refuge in the home of relatives with a different last name. There they succumbed to confusion, grief, guilt, depression....the gamut of emotions anyone would feel at such a time.
Sue Klebold
Tom Klebold
Byron Klebold
Though Sue and Tom had to accept that Dylan was a Columbine shooter they remained in denial, convincing themselves that Dylan had been coerced or hoodwinked into participating; or perhaps his mind had suddenly snapped. Then, four months after the massacre the police showed Sue and Tom videos made by the boys. The films clearly showed that Dylan and Eric had carefully planned the attack and that Dylan was an active and willing participant. After this devastating blow Sue could barely go on.
Dylan Klebold made videotapes
For legal reasons (the Klebolds were being sued by the victims' families) Sue couldn't even join a support group or confide in friends and family - out of concern that anyone she spoke to might be called to testify. Thus Sue's life became even more difficult and circumscribed. She returned to her job as a college counselor for disabled students, but could barely concentrate on her work. Sue became depressed and anxious, lost a lot of weight, developed breast cancer, and started having panic attacks. Sue also grieved deeply - both for her beloved son and his victims - and at one point wanted to die herself.
Sue Klebold
After the massacre, realizing she had not known how depressed and suicidal (and perhaps mentally ill) Dylan was, Sue made it her business to educate herself. She read widely, did research, and interviewed experts about mental illness, mass shootings, murder/suicides, school bullying, gun availability, and so on....to try to make sense out of Dylan's actions.
Sue Klebold
Four years after the shootings the Klebolds were deposed by attorneys and the lawsuits were settled. Now free to talk about the incident Sue eventually decided to write this memoir. She wanted people to understand that Dylan had grown up a happy child in a loving home; that he had seemed like a perfectly normal teenager - close to his family but a bit difficult and uncooperative (which in hindsight were warning signs); and that she had absolutely no clue that he was capable of such violent destructive behavior. Sue also wanted to make people aware that their own children might be troubled and suffering without showing obvious external clues. Sue's overall aim: to help prevent such tragedies in the future.
Sue Klebold and Dylan
Sue Klebold and Dylan
Dylan Klebold seemed like a happy child
I think many people who read this book will empathize with Sue Klebold. Anyone who's raised a teenager knows that adolescents can be rebellious and hard to live with, but they almost never commit horrible atrocities. I guess the lesson is to make every effort to REALLY know your children - and get them help if they need it.
I don't agree with people who deride this book as a self-serving apologia and an attempt to wriggle away from blame. With the very best of intentions parents can make mistakes - but even so, they're not necessarily responsible for what their kids do. I also applaud the fact that the book's profits are being donated for mental health research.
I think this is a good honest book, worth reading.
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April 14, 2017
I found Sue Klebold to be honest, empathic, and credible with the facts she gathered and presented them well, and willing to take responsibility for her son. A Mother’s Reckoning is a sincere gesture in sharing and I thought Sue Klebold shared some very important information, messages and insight to living in the aftermath of tragedy.
Sue takes us from, denial to acceptance and then to some kind of comprehension of her life and the part of the tragedy committed by her son.
I think this is something you need to read for yourself if you have any questions or interest in what Sue Klebold has to share. I think it answered many for me and left me feeling satisfied. For that I have rated it 5 stars.
All of Norma’s & my reviews can be found on our Sister Blog:
Sue takes us from, denial to acceptance and then to some kind of comprehension of her life and the part of the tragedy committed by her son.
I think this is something you need to read for yourself if you have any questions or interest in what Sue Klebold has to share. I think it answered many for me and left me feeling satisfied. For that I have rated it 5 stars.
All of Norma’s & my reviews can be found on our Sister Blog:
March 7, 2016
Looks like I am in the minority on this one. Let me start off by saying whenever one of these horrific events happens, I always feel so badly for the family because I know they are going to be blamed and that is not fair at all. However 80% of this book is her telling me what a normal family they were and what I normal childhood he had (and I believe it) and the other 20% that he had a brain disease and was suicidal (and I believe that too). However we never get any insight as to why he tipped over the edge to commit mass murder. And if the bombs they planted had gone off it would have been much worse. I am a suicide survivor. There are tens of thousands to suicides every year and they don't take out a bunch of innocent people with them. Anyway, again I don't blame her or her husband but frankly I got really bored with reading antecdotes about smart precocious funny Dylan.
October 12, 2017
This book was extremely difficult to read at times, and I can only imagine how hard it was for Klebold to write. It's a horrible story and one that we sadly see repeated year after year; and it's hard not to feel defeated, like things will never change and there's nothing we can do about it. But amongst the more trivial things in this book—like Klebold's excellent writing for someone who doesn't do this professionally—I think what stands out most is Klebold's optimism and faith that we can change things. She sees people for what they are: flawed humans who are capable of massive destruction...but also of so much joy and love and generosity. When we stop stigmatizing people with mental health issues or for looking a certain way or for holding a particular belief, etc. and we look at people as fellow human beings struggling to make the most of their time on earth, we can change the world. It might seem hokey and a bit naive, but I also think there's something in this story that shows how important those little moments, those seemingly insignificant interactions or conversations are towards building meaningful and impactful connections with others.
September 25, 2016
I am not sure how you review something like this - a mother's recounting of a cherished son's life, the heinous act he commits and the aftermath of that act on her life and family. I'm giving it a 3.5 just in terms of the writing, readability and narrative flow but I am in no position to review the veracity of what happened here.
All I can say is that I feel great sympathy for Sue Klebold and everyone affected by this tragedy. She does a great job of giving readers insight into what it would be like to be in her position. I of course had given a passing thought to what it would be like to be in the shoes of the shooters' parents, but I never gave it any deep or sincere consideration. This book forces you to really absorb their anguish, guilt and anger. I think the real lessons of this book are twofold: to attempt to lead with compassion and withhold judgement as much as we are able, and two, to be much more mindful and watchful with our children. Even young children can be masters of hiding internal conflict and even despair - heads up, parents. Don't think for one minute this could never happen to you or someone you think you know well.
I was very sorry, but not surprised, to read that the Klebold's marriage did not survive the aftermath of Columbine. The casualties of this terrible event, and others like it, just continue to ripple into the future. Hearbreaking.
All I can say is that I feel great sympathy for Sue Klebold and everyone affected by this tragedy. She does a great job of giving readers insight into what it would be like to be in her position. I of course had given a passing thought to what it would be like to be in the shoes of the shooters' parents, but I never gave it any deep or sincere consideration. This book forces you to really absorb their anguish, guilt and anger. I think the real lessons of this book are twofold: to attempt to lead with compassion and withhold judgement as much as we are able, and two, to be much more mindful and watchful with our children. Even young children can be masters of hiding internal conflict and even despair - heads up, parents. Don't think for one minute this could never happen to you or someone you think you know well.
I was very sorry, but not surprised, to read that the Klebold's marriage did not survive the aftermath of Columbine. The casualties of this terrible event, and others like it, just continue to ripple into the future. Hearbreaking.
April 25, 2016
I finished this audiobook more than two weeks ago and I still really don't know how to review it. It was heartbreaking. I was not a mother when Columbine happened. I was stunned when I saw the news that day but I can't recall ever considering how the mothers of the shooters might be feeling. Ever. This is devastating. Sue Klebold's life as she knew it ended abruptly on that day 17 years ago when she not only lost her son, but was left behind to piece together a puzzle that could never be completed. Her son, a passive and shy high school senior about to go off to college, was dead and he was also a mass murderer. Along with her personal devastation, she was grief-stricken for the victims, their families, and the community. She had to grieve the loss of her son in so many ways: the boy she knew and loved, as well as the boy she didn't know, who did the unthinkable. With each piece of new information, typically shared months apart, she would learn something new, shocking, and uncharacteristic about her youngest son. In addition, there were death threats, copious hate mail, unending questions, unfathomable guilt, endless lawsuits and public scrutiny. I'm not sure how she survived. She has found her place as a suicide prevention advocate. Having interviewed and spoken with countless professionals over the years, she shares in the second half of the book the studies and professional opinions that support a greater emphasis on understanding, removing the stigma around, and treating brain health issues.
I didn't feel she ever attempted to defend her parenting, her family, or her son. Nor do I feel she shifted blame to the other shooter. She spoke her truth and described her family life. It is evident that there were no signs of what was to come. Her advice is to keep asking questions, search rooms, read journals. This is advice I will take.
My opinion upon finishing this book goes to the media and our country's quick-to-judge pastime of shaming others and gaining something from another's sorrow. I wonder how different this woman's recovery from trauma would have been had the media embraced their family and strived to show them in a better light. Small acts of kindness are mentioned throughout this memoir, which speaks to how affecting they were. What if the media had showed some kindness? The author pointed out many things misconstrued and intentionally misreported by the media. This, of course, is where public opinion is formed. (One piece of information that was true was Sue keeping her standing hair appointment, though it was changed to after closing time and she kept it only at the urging of others to keep things "normal." She admits she gave her hairdresser permission to talk about her appointment when asked but I felt it was cruel to capitalize on the actions of a distraught woman, who hadn't slept or eaten in days, let alone judge her for it. I'm sure she was out of her mind with grief and simply going through the motions, but she was villianized for this act, though she sobbed uncontrollably throughout the process. I understand how it looks on the surface but it seemed very unkind on the part of the hairdresser and sleezy on the part of the media.)
In the end, Sue Klebold will never have the answers she seeks. This woman has been through and will always be in hell. She is very quick to attempt to put herself in the place of others, consider how she would feel if she were the parent of a victim, consider where her presence might be a trigger for trauma for the victims...in other words, she is empathic, caring, and to this day feels responsible. I applaud this brave, heartbreaking book and her attempt to help others with it. I hope that she can someday find a sense of peace. My God, she deserves it.
**Sue Klebold is extremely smart, well-spoken and an excellent writer but I am very glad I opted for the audio. Hearing her voice, steeped in grief, regret, confusion and abject pain added an element to the story that I suspect would not translate on the page. In part two, she sounds determined, driven, and knowledgable. I cannot recommend the audio highly enough. 4.5 stars.
I didn't feel she ever attempted to defend her parenting, her family, or her son. Nor do I feel she shifted blame to the other shooter. She spoke her truth and described her family life. It is evident that there were no signs of what was to come. Her advice is to keep asking questions, search rooms, read journals. This is advice I will take.
My opinion upon finishing this book goes to the media and our country's quick-to-judge pastime of shaming others and gaining something from another's sorrow. I wonder how different this woman's recovery from trauma would have been had the media embraced their family and strived to show them in a better light. Small acts of kindness are mentioned throughout this memoir, which speaks to how affecting they were. What if the media had showed some kindness? The author pointed out many things misconstrued and intentionally misreported by the media. This, of course, is where public opinion is formed. (One piece of information that was true was Sue keeping her standing hair appointment, though it was changed to after closing time and she kept it only at the urging of others to keep things "normal." She admits she gave her hairdresser permission to talk about her appointment when asked but I felt it was cruel to capitalize on the actions of a distraught woman, who hadn't slept or eaten in days, let alone judge her for it. I'm sure she was out of her mind with grief and simply going through the motions, but she was villianized for this act, though she sobbed uncontrollably throughout the process. I understand how it looks on the surface but it seemed very unkind on the part of the hairdresser and sleezy on the part of the media.)
In the end, Sue Klebold will never have the answers she seeks. This woman has been through and will always be in hell. She is very quick to attempt to put herself in the place of others, consider how she would feel if she were the parent of a victim, consider where her presence might be a trigger for trauma for the victims...in other words, she is empathic, caring, and to this day feels responsible. I applaud this brave, heartbreaking book and her attempt to help others with it. I hope that she can someday find a sense of peace. My God, she deserves it.
**Sue Klebold is extremely smart, well-spoken and an excellent writer but I am very glad I opted for the audio. Hearing her voice, steeped in grief, regret, confusion and abject pain added an element to the story that I suspect would not translate on the page. In part two, she sounds determined, driven, and knowledgable. I cannot recommend the audio highly enough. 4.5 stars.
December 7, 2016
5 stars
I can't believe it's been 17 years (and dozens of mass shootings henceforth) since the horrible events of April 20, 1999 in Littleton, Colorado. The havoc wrought at Columbine High School that spring day would become the very essence of parents' nightmares in the US and world-wide. I didn't become a parent until nine years after Columbine, but I'm sure its hoary tendrils have subconsciously wormed their way into my worst fears: how can I possibly keep my kid safe when I send her to school? If it could happen in Littleton (or Newtown, Connecticut) it could happen in Podunk, Alabama.
My fears were only compounded with Michael Moore's muckraking 2002 documentary "Bowling For Columbine" and, years later, by reading Dave Cullen's 2009 even-handed, brilliant dissection Columbine. The nagging question still remained: Who (or what) the hell was to blame for the tragedy? The "Trench Coat Mafia"? Lax gun laws? Violent music and video games? Bullying? The clueless parents who allowed Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold to prepare for a massacre under their very noses???
Yeah, it's that last question of parenting (not that I'm a tragedy tourist) that compelled me to immediately put A Mother's Reckoning on my tbr shelf after its publication announcement (where it remained for months, unsure if I really wanted to revisit Littleton, repentant mom or no.) Only the recent raves of my GR friends led me back to Sue Klebold's certain-to-be-harrowing memoir.
Can you possibly imagine what it's like to be a parent of (what you believe to be) a well-adjusted, bright, intelligent teenager, only to find, mere weeks after his touring the University of Arizona (the school he was accepted to attend) and three days before attending his Senior Prom, his orchestrating his own death, the deaths of of 12 of his classmates and a teacher, injuring nearly two-dozen more, traumatizing a couple thousand more, and inspiring an untold number of copycats? Can you imagine the endless excoriation from the media? Being the recipient of thousands of pieces of hate mail. (or the dozens of lawsuits) pinning the blame on you? For how you'd theretofore thought you were being nothing less than an ideal parent?
Ms. Klebold endeavors to do just that here, navigating the mountains of mind-numbing grief to elucidate what went wrong. Without ascribing blame to anyone but herself (not even, really, Dylan's cohort Eric Harris or his parents), Ms. Klebold endeavors to plow through the pain and provide (if not answers) some ideas as to how this happened, coupled with insightful comments from experts in the fields of suicide, homicidal behavior, and other mental (er, "brain") disorders to expand awareness and (hopefully) stave off future tragedies like Columbine from occurring.
From Ms. Klebold's (now clearheaded) hindsight, recognizing the warning signs (of suicidal behavior) and intervening accordingly is crucial, the earlier the better.
It didn't really matter how much love was bestown on her kids, or how much attention.paid to their friend choices, or how lessons of non-violence, anti-bigotry and respect for everyone were deeply ingrained (or how steadfastly their family home was kept gun-free). Sue Klebold's account should serve as a cautionary document for everyone (not just parents, but anyone in proximity to those with similar outward affect as Dylan). Without appropriate diligence and awareness of the warning signs, tragedies like Columbine could potentially happen to any of us. Thank goodness she was able to navigate the sea of despair and grief and turn it into a positive, potentially life-saving force.
I can't believe it's been 17 years (and dozens of mass shootings henceforth) since the horrible events of April 20, 1999 in Littleton, Colorado. The havoc wrought at Columbine High School that spring day would become the very essence of parents' nightmares in the US and world-wide. I didn't become a parent until nine years after Columbine, but I'm sure its hoary tendrils have subconsciously wormed their way into my worst fears: how can I possibly keep my kid safe when I send her to school? If it could happen in Littleton (or Newtown, Connecticut) it could happen in Podunk, Alabama.
My fears were only compounded with Michael Moore's muckraking 2002 documentary "Bowling For Columbine" and, years later, by reading Dave Cullen's 2009 even-handed, brilliant dissection Columbine. The nagging question still remained: Who (or what) the hell was to blame for the tragedy? The "Trench Coat Mafia"? Lax gun laws? Violent music and video games? Bullying? The clueless parents who allowed Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold to prepare for a massacre under their very noses???
Yeah, it's that last question of parenting (not that I'm a tragedy tourist) that compelled me to immediately put A Mother's Reckoning on my tbr shelf after its publication announcement (where it remained for months, unsure if I really wanted to revisit Littleton, repentant mom or no.) Only the recent raves of my GR friends led me back to Sue Klebold's certain-to-be-harrowing memoir.
Can you possibly imagine what it's like to be a parent of (what you believe to be) a well-adjusted, bright, intelligent teenager, only to find, mere weeks after his touring the University of Arizona (the school he was accepted to attend) and three days before attending his Senior Prom, his orchestrating his own death, the deaths of of 12 of his classmates and a teacher, injuring nearly two-dozen more, traumatizing a couple thousand more, and inspiring an untold number of copycats? Can you imagine the endless excoriation from the media? Being the recipient of thousands of pieces of hate mail. (or the dozens of lawsuits) pinning the blame on you? For how you'd theretofore thought you were being nothing less than an ideal parent?
Ms. Klebold endeavors to do just that here, navigating the mountains of mind-numbing grief to elucidate what went wrong. Without ascribing blame to anyone but herself (not even, really, Dylan's cohort Eric Harris or his parents), Ms. Klebold endeavors to plow through the pain and provide (if not answers) some ideas as to how this happened, coupled with insightful comments from experts in the fields of suicide, homicidal behavior, and other mental (er, "brain") disorders to expand awareness and (hopefully) stave off future tragedies like Columbine from occurring.
From Ms. Klebold's (now clearheaded) hindsight, recognizing the warning signs (of suicidal behavior) and intervening accordingly is crucial, the earlier the better.
It didn't really matter how much love was bestown on her kids, or how much attention.paid to their friend choices, or how lessons of non-violence, anti-bigotry and respect for everyone were deeply ingrained (or how steadfastly their family home was kept gun-free). Sue Klebold's account should serve as a cautionary document for everyone (not just parents, but anyone in proximity to those with similar outward affect as Dylan). Without appropriate diligence and awareness of the warning signs, tragedies like Columbine could potentially happen to any of us. Thank goodness she was able to navigate the sea of despair and grief and turn it into a positive, potentially life-saving force.
February 18, 2017
When the Columbine massacre occurred in April of 1999, I recall judging the parents. After all, there had to have been some extremely obvious signs for their sons to be able to do something like this. Or, they were so disengaged in their lives they were just plain oblivious. If nothing else was accomplished (and there definitely is more), this book has changed my outlook. I'll never, ever again "assume" anything close to this kind of thinking or judge.
I was most interested in hearing from the parents of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris and always wondered why they maintained their silence. Sue Klebold bravely tells her story and explains why, making no excuses and proving that she used her time wisely in gaining valuable insights over the last 17 years. In retrospect, I'm glad she waited this long to tell her story as it will undoubtably help other parents of teenagers to recognize troubling signs in their children in time to avoid potential disastrous outcomes.
It never occurred to me to think of Dylan Klebold as a victim of suicide, let alone a victim of anything. I never really understood why he chose the path he took but made a lot of assumptions based on the media coverage. Sue Klebold provides incredible insight about her son and the events in his life that led to that awful last day. She also lets us inside of her own life, holding nothing back, sharing the perspective of a parent's trauma when their child commits murder on this scale. The destruction of that child's family as a consequence of their actions wasn't something I'd thought much about but should have. Shame on me because they've two tragedies to contend with: the guilt and sorrow for the innocent lives taken and for the loss of a child they loved.
I'm really, really glad Sue Klebold wrote this story and I got the privilege of listening to the book, hearing her tell it in her own voice. She's not a professional narrator, which made the experience even more powerful as I heard her genuine pain, suffering and sadness. This book is a must read for all parents, no matter the age of the child. No one saw any obvious signs in Dylan's behavior to even imagine him ending his life, let alone the way he chose to do so. You don't know what you don't know and Sue provides a primer for parents to have a fighting chance to save a child that outwardly doesn't seem to need help.
This was an outstanding story.
I was most interested in hearing from the parents of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris and always wondered why they maintained their silence. Sue Klebold bravely tells her story and explains why, making no excuses and proving that she used her time wisely in gaining valuable insights over the last 17 years. In retrospect, I'm glad she waited this long to tell her story as it will undoubtably help other parents of teenagers to recognize troubling signs in their children in time to avoid potential disastrous outcomes.
It never occurred to me to think of Dylan Klebold as a victim of suicide, let alone a victim of anything. I never really understood why he chose the path he took but made a lot of assumptions based on the media coverage. Sue Klebold provides incredible insight about her son and the events in his life that led to that awful last day. She also lets us inside of her own life, holding nothing back, sharing the perspective of a parent's trauma when their child commits murder on this scale. The destruction of that child's family as a consequence of their actions wasn't something I'd thought much about but should have. Shame on me because they've two tragedies to contend with: the guilt and sorrow for the innocent lives taken and for the loss of a child they loved.
I'm really, really glad Sue Klebold wrote this story and I got the privilege of listening to the book, hearing her tell it in her own voice. She's not a professional narrator, which made the experience even more powerful as I heard her genuine pain, suffering and sadness. This book is a must read for all parents, no matter the age of the child. No one saw any obvious signs in Dylan's behavior to even imagine him ending his life, let alone the way he chose to do so. You don't know what you don't know and Sue provides a primer for parents to have a fighting chance to save a child that outwardly doesn't seem to need help.
This was an outstanding story.
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November 8, 2016April 20, 1999 � Columbine High School � Littleton, Colorado
Who does not remember this day when Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed twelve students, one teacher, wounded twenty-four others, and then took their own lives?
A Mother’s Reckoning Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy is Sue Klebold’s undertaking to describe what it is like to be the mother of the child who committed this horrible act, to give a portrait of her life, her family, before and after this mass killing.
Sue Klebold had questions and she repeats them throughout the book.
”How could her child, the promising young man she had loved and raised, be responsible for such horror? And how, as his mother, had she not known something was wrong? Were there subtle signs she had missed? What, If anything could she have done differently?
I had questions also, questions that go through my brain and hurt my heart when children kill, leaving parents of murderers to make sense of something so senseless. I’m a parent and honestly I’ve wondered what separates me from the Sue Klebold's of our world?
What if this were my child? Would I have seen the signs? What did I do wrong? What would people think of me? How could I show my face at a school, the grocery store, my beloved library? What would it feel like for few to mourn my loss? Would my marriage survive such an event? What about my other children? How could I continue to live? After all even with what we know today we still blame the parents, and in particular the mother.
There was an outcry that Sue Klebold had no right to write this book and many will not read it. That’s your prerogative. I disagree. I knew I wanted to read this book, just that I would have to choose my time as I knew it would be painful. What I did not expect was how much of it would be about love.
Those killed were not my children, my husband, or my children’s father. I don’t know any of those with serious injuries, memories of the massacre or who lived in Littleton. Dylan Klebold was not my child. This may make it easier to allow that Dylan and his friend Eric should be counted among the dead that day. Like Sue Klebold, not to make excuses, not to immortalize or condone what they did, but with compassion for something it is difficult to understand and because these are lives lost and mourned by someone.
This is a difficult review to write. It’s hard to express all the emotions I felt while reading. I respect Sue Klebold’s choice to tell her story. Perhaps it will help someone see the signs of distress in their child or help other parents who must face the wrong their children do.
"To the rest of the world, Dylan was a monster, but he was my son."
Sue Klebold
Who does not remember this day when Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold killed twelve students, one teacher, wounded twenty-four others, and then took their own lives?
A Mother’s Reckoning Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy is Sue Klebold’s undertaking to describe what it is like to be the mother of the child who committed this horrible act, to give a portrait of her life, her family, before and after this mass killing.
Sue Klebold had questions and she repeats them throughout the book.
”How could her child, the promising young man she had loved and raised, be responsible for such horror? And how, as his mother, had she not known something was wrong? Were there subtle signs she had missed? What, If anything could she have done differently?
I had questions also, questions that go through my brain and hurt my heart when children kill, leaving parents of murderers to make sense of something so senseless. I’m a parent and honestly I’ve wondered what separates me from the Sue Klebold's of our world?
What if this were my child? Would I have seen the signs? What did I do wrong? What would people think of me? How could I show my face at a school, the grocery store, my beloved library? What would it feel like for few to mourn my loss? Would my marriage survive such an event? What about my other children? How could I continue to live? After all even with what we know today we still blame the parents, and in particular the mother.
There was an outcry that Sue Klebold had no right to write this book and many will not read it. That’s your prerogative. I disagree. I knew I wanted to read this book, just that I would have to choose my time as I knew it would be painful. What I did not expect was how much of it would be about love.
Those killed were not my children, my husband, or my children’s father. I don’t know any of those with serious injuries, memories of the massacre or who lived in Littleton. Dylan Klebold was not my child. This may make it easier to allow that Dylan and his friend Eric should be counted among the dead that day. Like Sue Klebold, not to make excuses, not to immortalize or condone what they did, but with compassion for something it is difficult to understand and because these are lives lost and mourned by someone.
This is a difficult review to write. It’s hard to express all the emotions I felt while reading. I respect Sue Klebold’s choice to tell her story. Perhaps it will help someone see the signs of distress in their child or help other parents who must face the wrong their children do.
"To the rest of the world, Dylan was a monster, but he was my son."
Sue Klebold
March 17, 2016
Sigh, where to start. First, I want to deeply discredit reviews that state this book is nothing but a mother making excuses for her son. It is actually the exact opposite of that, and at times, almost has nothing to do with her son, but more of raising awareness on suicide and mental health. (She actually calls it brain health and brain illness throughout her book, for a very smart reason. Mental refers to something intangible, and some experts believe that if we change the terminology from mental health to brain health, because the brain is something tangible that we KNOW needs attention, it could help people be more open to truths of mental/brain illness). Sue Klebold literally says countless times, I am not excusing what my son did, so for anyone to make claims that this was the tone of the book, either didn't read the book, or read so with a pre-disposed opinion of The Klebods and/or the Columbine tragedy.
I was so incredibly enlightened by this book. I honestly can't even say everything I need to say about it in this review, but I will try to keep my thoughts as un-scattered as possible. Hearing about the tragedy through her perspective was really hard. I cried for her and the loss of her son. I cried for the victims. I cried for myself, because as a parent, I may be in her shoes one day, ignoring signs that at the time, you had no idea were signs, of a depressed, suicidal child that you loved with all your heart and soul.
The classic "that could never happen to us/me" thought process, is a large part of why so many tragedies happen. No one ever thinks it can happen to them, until it does. We also use that viewpoint, to explain it away, and make ourselves feel better that we have nothing to worry about. There are so many mistakes in that way of thinking, as Sue meticulously explains in her book, with the help of experts, doctors, other victims of suicide/homicide children. This book is not just about what Sue Klebold felt in those first moments, days, weeks, months, and years after Columbine. It is her journey of understanding the part she played in Columbine, and learning about true brain health disorders, and what the rest of us can do, to be better than she was, as parents of teens and adolescents.
I listened to the audio book, so I cannot go back and reference some of the most pro founding statements of the book, however, I remember one line, that to me, is the most powerful and telling statement regarding her son's motives that day. "Eric went to school that day wanting to kill people, and didn't care if he died in the process. Dylan went to school that day wanting to die, and didn't care if others died in the process." This statement is so sad, when thinking of the Klebolds and Dylan specifically, in an isolated thought.
For most people, Eric & Dylan are the Columbine shooters, the killers. And for all intents and purposes, they are/were killers. But by reading this book, you will learn how truly different killers can be, and that while no one knows for sure if Columbine could have prevented, experts are almost positive, that Dylan's specific involvement, could have been. He was not the mastermind of the attack, and suffered from illnesses that created disillusions and even an alter-reality that he was living in the majority of the time, by the time April 20, 1999 rolled around.
Every parent, past or present, should read this book. Every person who has suffered a loss through suicide should read this book. Every person, should read this book. There is so much knowledge to be gained.
Thank you to Sue Klebold, for taking the time to learn and understand, and putting it in a platform for others to absorb some of the most important pieces of your journey. My son is only 3, but I feel incredibly grateful for having learned about tools I will undoubtedly use, as my son grows into young man.
I was so incredibly enlightened by this book. I honestly can't even say everything I need to say about it in this review, but I will try to keep my thoughts as un-scattered as possible. Hearing about the tragedy through her perspective was really hard. I cried for her and the loss of her son. I cried for the victims. I cried for myself, because as a parent, I may be in her shoes one day, ignoring signs that at the time, you had no idea were signs, of a depressed, suicidal child that you loved with all your heart and soul.
The classic "that could never happen to us/me" thought process, is a large part of why so many tragedies happen. No one ever thinks it can happen to them, until it does. We also use that viewpoint, to explain it away, and make ourselves feel better that we have nothing to worry about. There are so many mistakes in that way of thinking, as Sue meticulously explains in her book, with the help of experts, doctors, other victims of suicide/homicide children. This book is not just about what Sue Klebold felt in those first moments, days, weeks, months, and years after Columbine. It is her journey of understanding the part she played in Columbine, and learning about true brain health disorders, and what the rest of us can do, to be better than she was, as parents of teens and adolescents.
I listened to the audio book, so I cannot go back and reference some of the most pro founding statements of the book, however, I remember one line, that to me, is the most powerful and telling statement regarding her son's motives that day. "Eric went to school that day wanting to kill people, and didn't care if he died in the process. Dylan went to school that day wanting to die, and didn't care if others died in the process." This statement is so sad, when thinking of the Klebolds and Dylan specifically, in an isolated thought.
For most people, Eric & Dylan are the Columbine shooters, the killers. And for all intents and purposes, they are/were killers. But by reading this book, you will learn how truly different killers can be, and that while no one knows for sure if Columbine could have prevented, experts are almost positive, that Dylan's specific involvement, could have been. He was not the mastermind of the attack, and suffered from illnesses that created disillusions and even an alter-reality that he was living in the majority of the time, by the time April 20, 1999 rolled around.
Every parent, past or present, should read this book. Every person who has suffered a loss through suicide should read this book. Every person, should read this book. There is so much knowledge to be gained.
Thank you to Sue Klebold, for taking the time to learn and understand, and putting it in a platform for others to absorb some of the most important pieces of your journey. My son is only 3, but I feel incredibly grateful for having learned about tools I will undoubtedly use, as my son grows into young man.
June 27, 2017
I read this book because a friend of mine suggested it. The minute he told me about it I put it on hold! I had just read Columbine by Dave Cullen and learned a ton about the school shooting in 1999. This book is about Sue Klebold, Dylan's (one of the shooters) mother, who has lived with the indescribable grief and shame of that day.
Sue shares her journey as a mother to try to come to terms with the incomprehensible. Through this book she hoped to help other families recognize when a child is in distress and is depressed. She tells her story using her personal journals, the videos and writings that Dylan left behind, and interviews with mental health experts.
This book was very honest and eye-opening. As a Special Education Teacher I never want to blame the parent(s) for their child's mental health issues. There is so much genetically and chemically that goes into the child, along with environmental. Sue was a fantastic mother that was there for her child. She was never violent towards him or fought. She was there whenever he needed her. However, Dylan was depressed and best friends with a psychopath. This led to him wanting to take his life, and others with him�.
I highly suggest this book! It gives you a completely different point-of-view of the Columbine school shooting.
Sue shares her journey as a mother to try to come to terms with the incomprehensible. Through this book she hoped to help other families recognize when a child is in distress and is depressed. She tells her story using her personal journals, the videos and writings that Dylan left behind, and interviews with mental health experts.
This book was very honest and eye-opening. As a Special Education Teacher I never want to blame the parent(s) for their child's mental health issues. There is so much genetically and chemically that goes into the child, along with environmental. Sue was a fantastic mother that was there for her child. She was never violent towards him or fought. She was there whenever he needed her. However, Dylan was depressed and best friends with a psychopath. This led to him wanting to take his life, and others with him�.
I highly suggest this book! It gives you a completely different point-of-view of the Columbine school shooting.
February 18, 2016
I give Klebold much credit for writing this book and for putting herself out here where many will continue to ridicule her, hold her in contempt or just full out not believe what she has to say. Even she understands how difficult it is for people to accept that sometimes parents don't know that their child is planning to do something terrible, and that if the child does do something terrible, that the terrible act is not always the result of poor parenting. How could you not know that Dylan was purchasing weapons? How did you not know that he was planning to blow up Columbine High School? What kind of parent are you? What kind of mother fails to see that her son is a killer? Over and over again, these are questions that Klebold has heard and continues to hear. Even she has asked herself the same question hundreds and hundreds of time. Like Klebold, I wanted to hear the answers to these questions, and I eagerly awaited for her book to be published to see what she had to say and to see what we all could learn from it.
The first part of the book focuses on the Columbine massacre. It’s horrifying, sitting on the edge of your seat type of reading, as Klebold tells the reader what she experienced from the moment that she learns that two gunman have attacked her son’s school. Klebold describes moment by moment how the events unfolded for her and how she went from worrying about her son’s safety to praying that he would kill himself so that no one else at the school would be harmed. It’s the first account I have ever read that shows the parent’s perspective of a child who engaged in a mass shooting, and it had my emotions rattled. No parent should ever have to experience what Klebold did. Klebold also is stunned, because she cannot identify any factors that would have given her an indication that her son would do something like that. She explains how her son was raised and what he was like growing up. These descriptions provide no indication that anything was wrong with Dylan. Some may argue that Klebold was in denial, but I don’t think so. Instead, she, like many others, were looking for anything to explain what had happened. Klebold was especially interested because she felt that there must have been something that she could have done to prevent the death of her son and the other victims.
The second part of the book focuses on brain health and the notion that Dylan was extremely depressed. He was lonely, bullied and had suicidal tendencies at least two years prior to Columbine. We learn this as Klebold had, by looking at the evidence she saw for only the first time after the tragedy had occurred and by talking to numerous medical and other experts in the field of mental health. She provides much information about bullying, depression, suicide, violence in video games and many other topics in both an informative and riveting manner. Klebold wrote the book to apologize to the people whom her son had killed, but she also wrote it to shed light on mental health and how various factors impact a child’s mental health, including their ability to lead to a child having suicidal tendencies. Most mass shootings have suicide as their ultimate mission, with the murders providing a path for the shooter to get there and lessening the likelihood that the shooter will be able to change his mind.
As a result of reading this book, I will as a parent be certainly more sensitive to the mental health of my child while understanding how difficult it is to be able to see when one’s child is suffering. Part of the issue here is that people who have suicidal tendencies are the masters of deception. Many people who are suicide survivors have claimed that they never knew how much suffering their loved ones were experiencing to the point where death felt like the only avenue of peace available to them. My grandfather killed himself. My mother spoke to him on the phone only moments before to tell him that our family was on the way over to visit him. He said “ok� and hung up. By the time that we arrived, twenty minutes later, he had killed himself. No one had any inkling that he was suffering mentally. It’s was a horrifying experience and one that I will never forget to this day.
Overall, I highly recommend this book. For those readers unfamiliar with the details around the shooting, David Cullen’s Columbine provides an excellent overview, and in particular, sheds light on the victims� families and the community in the aftermath of the tragedy. Readers may not believe what Klebold has to say in her book, but I found her to be genuine, truly sorry for the acts of her son (even though she had nothing to do with what happened), and desperate to find solutions in an attempt to avoid the recurrence of a similar tragedy.
The first part of the book focuses on the Columbine massacre. It’s horrifying, sitting on the edge of your seat type of reading, as Klebold tells the reader what she experienced from the moment that she learns that two gunman have attacked her son’s school. Klebold describes moment by moment how the events unfolded for her and how she went from worrying about her son’s safety to praying that he would kill himself so that no one else at the school would be harmed. It’s the first account I have ever read that shows the parent’s perspective of a child who engaged in a mass shooting, and it had my emotions rattled. No parent should ever have to experience what Klebold did. Klebold also is stunned, because she cannot identify any factors that would have given her an indication that her son would do something like that. She explains how her son was raised and what he was like growing up. These descriptions provide no indication that anything was wrong with Dylan. Some may argue that Klebold was in denial, but I don’t think so. Instead, she, like many others, were looking for anything to explain what had happened. Klebold was especially interested because she felt that there must have been something that she could have done to prevent the death of her son and the other victims.
The second part of the book focuses on brain health and the notion that Dylan was extremely depressed. He was lonely, bullied and had suicidal tendencies at least two years prior to Columbine. We learn this as Klebold had, by looking at the evidence she saw for only the first time after the tragedy had occurred and by talking to numerous medical and other experts in the field of mental health. She provides much information about bullying, depression, suicide, violence in video games and many other topics in both an informative and riveting manner. Klebold wrote the book to apologize to the people whom her son had killed, but she also wrote it to shed light on mental health and how various factors impact a child’s mental health, including their ability to lead to a child having suicidal tendencies. Most mass shootings have suicide as their ultimate mission, with the murders providing a path for the shooter to get there and lessening the likelihood that the shooter will be able to change his mind.
As a result of reading this book, I will as a parent be certainly more sensitive to the mental health of my child while understanding how difficult it is to be able to see when one’s child is suffering. Part of the issue here is that people who have suicidal tendencies are the masters of deception. Many people who are suicide survivors have claimed that they never knew how much suffering their loved ones were experiencing to the point where death felt like the only avenue of peace available to them. My grandfather killed himself. My mother spoke to him on the phone only moments before to tell him that our family was on the way over to visit him. He said “ok� and hung up. By the time that we arrived, twenty minutes later, he had killed himself. No one had any inkling that he was suffering mentally. It’s was a horrifying experience and one that I will never forget to this day.
Overall, I highly recommend this book. For those readers unfamiliar with the details around the shooting, David Cullen’s Columbine provides an excellent overview, and in particular, sheds light on the victims� families and the community in the aftermath of the tragedy. Readers may not believe what Klebold has to say in her book, but I found her to be genuine, truly sorry for the acts of her son (even though she had nothing to do with what happened), and desperate to find solutions in an attempt to avoid the recurrence of a similar tragedy.
October 27, 2017
Like other reviewers have said, this is a hard book to review. I set this aside after finishing it and I almost wished I hadn't read it. It is so heartbreaking. Sue Klebold is a very strong woman, I don't know how she got through all of this.
"I thought if this is really happening and he survived, he would go into the criminal justice system and be executed, and I couldn't bear to lose him twice. I gave the hardest prayer I ever made, that he would kill himself, because then at lease I would know that he wanted to die and I wouldn't be left with all the questions I'd have if he got caught by a police bullet. Maybe I was right, but I've spent so may hours regretting that prayer: I wished for my son to kill himself and he did."
"I asked Tom and Sue what they would want to ask Dylan if he were in the room with us, Tom said, "I'd ask him what the hell he was thinking and what the hell he thought he was doing!" Sue looked down at the floor for a minute before saying quietly, "I would ask him to forgive me, for being his mother and never knowing what was going on inside his head, for not being able to help him, for not being the person that he could confide in."
"I thought if this is really happening and he survived, he would go into the criminal justice system and be executed, and I couldn't bear to lose him twice. I gave the hardest prayer I ever made, that he would kill himself, because then at lease I would know that he wanted to die and I wouldn't be left with all the questions I'd have if he got caught by a police bullet. Maybe I was right, but I've spent so may hours regretting that prayer: I wished for my son to kill himself and he did."
"I asked Tom and Sue what they would want to ask Dylan if he were in the room with us, Tom said, "I'd ask him what the hell he was thinking and what the hell he thought he was doing!" Sue looked down at the floor for a minute before saying quietly, "I would ask him to forgive me, for being his mother and never knowing what was going on inside his head, for not being able to help him, for not being the person that he could confide in."
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