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Latest is up - a totally serious take on writing Young Adult Lit!

The Written Review

An absolute dumpster fire

I do not say this lightly. This has (quite possibly) been the most difficult book I've ever forced myself through.

It violated the three "Big Three": Plot, Character and Dialogue. I can handle a book is a bit sucky on any one of those, or even two. But all three? The entire book? Are. You. Kidding.

The Plot (aka The Plotholes)

After you die on Earth, your Firstlife is over. You then have three options. If you signed with one of the two realms (Troika and Myriad aka Heaven and Hell), you will go there. If you are Unsigned, you go to Many Ends (Purgatory).

Tenely (our main character) is at the age of consent (17) and thus can be recruited by either side. She declines to make a decision and is thrown into essentially a concentration camp by her parents until either (A) she signs with one or (B) she ages out (at 18).

Troika and Myriad are at war and have been at war for over a hundred years and are constantly sending "laborers" to recruit more soldiers. BUT it's never explained (A) the purpose of the war and (B) what they are fighting for.

Let me repeat this: The entire plot of this book is which side Tenley will choose to fight for and we have no idea why they're fighting.

The best part? The book goes on and on about how there's No Second Chance - once you die, that's it and you can never go back. Tenley died four times.

The Characters (aka My Hit List)

We center on Tenley - a particularly special girl with a special destiny and an especially special personality. She's a quirky special snowflake.

“Oh, and let’s not forget the time I was waterboarded. So fun!� Shut up! common sense shouts. I’m oversharing when it’s time to be a vault. Oh, who cares? This is a wonderful day, and I love absolutely everyone!

Just picture an entire book filled with that...and add in the obsessive number comparisons which crops up because she's Ten-ley. Get it? GET IT? It's so quirky!!

“Just thirteen streaks of blood.� In the ancient past, thirteen steps led to the gallows. A hangman’s noose has thirteen knots. At thirteen, children are considered teenagers.

Tenley is relentlessly pursued by two Laborers - Archer (Troika) and Killian (Myriad) - hell-bent on getting her to sign with their realm and getting into her pants. They are technically in their Secondlife but can possess Shells to interact with the human world.

Also, they are unbelievably hot (like you have no idea how completely gorgeous they are. OMG. heavy breathing.). Don't believe me? Sloan (the former mean girl / sworn enemy) completely collapses at the sight of them - regressing to the mind of an elementary child:

“He’s hot,� Sloan says in a stage whisper. Hoping he’ll hear and respond? Then she gives up all pretense of timidity and makes grabby hands. “Yummy yum yum, give baby some sugar.�

But of course, in typical YA dogma, both hotties completely fall in love with the quirky main character within the first day. Thus burdening her overtaxed mind with more decisions. It's a rough life.

The Dialogue (aka How Was this Typed with a Straight Face??)

Now I smile sweetly at him. “Cockiness kills as surely as this knife.� I use the tip of my weapon to give his berries a little pat.

Archer (along with the other characters but he's especially like this) is given that "edgy humor" - which came off as cripplingly cringey:

"If your lady balls are so big, why don’t they call you Hairy Cherries? Or Furry Meatballs?"

Or this:

"Well, duh. Because neither name describes your explosive temper. Oh! I know. I’ll call you Sperm Bank! It covers the balls and the explosions."

Or this:

"Boobs are awesome, yeah? Literal fun-bags. I don’t know what you girls are always complaining about."

Killian aka the "he-slut" (EXCUSE ME GENA SHOWALTER, it's man-whore and you know it) has finally found love through Tenley. Sure he used to bang everything that moved but Tenley tamed him with just a look. Oh, and he's Irish because he says Lass. Eighteen times.

The Summary (aka this is literally me the entire time)

Me vs. Tenley


Tenley:


Me:

After all my complaining, there is something positive that can be gained. If this can be published, anything can happen. Never give up on your dreams.


The Finer Books Club - 2018 Reading Challenge: A book a friend doesn't recommend

P.s. With many thanks to Angela's Booked for "not recommending" this book.

P.p.s. I will be reading Book 2 solely to "not recommend" it to you.

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