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La Petite Américaine's Reviews > Brave Girl Eating: A Family's Struggle with Anorexia
Brave Girl Eating: A Family's Struggle with Anorexia
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by
La Petite Américaine's review
bookshelves: auto-bios-etc, i-want-my-money-back, sucked, worst-garbage-i-ve-ever-read, rants
Jan 29, 2012
bookshelves: auto-bios-etc, i-want-my-money-back, sucked, worst-garbage-i-ve-ever-read, rants
****Update: 25/3/2012: The massive thread that follows just totally reaffirms every point I made in the review. All of this from a writer whose work appears in the New York Times? Nice. Enjoy.****
****Update: 21/3/2012: I need to give credit where credit is due. For an eloquent and informative review (NOT AUTHORED BY ME) of Brave Girl Eating that, unlike my review, places facts over rage, please see
For scathing snark and wrath, my review is below.****
***Sigh. Let's do this. Oh, and Harriet Brown, I hope you read this. I really, really do. Though I doubt it would do you any good.*** (Update: she has read it, contacted me and unleashed her fans on me. I was right: it didn't do any good.)
Brave Girls Eating is Harriet Brown's memoir about her experiences with her daughter's anorexia.
This book gave me nightmares: I literally had dreams that I was in a therapy session with Harriet Brown, screaming at her while she laughed and smiled away. The positive reviews of this book on goodreads have left me absolutely dumbfounded.
Here's the deal.
Decades of psychological studies done on anorexia paint a picture of family dysfunction that brings about the disorder. More or less, the typical story goes like this: one parent -- usually the mother -- is overbearing, controlling, suffocating, lacks boundaries, is the center of the family's attention, and is totally entrenched in denial about any problems existing within herself or her family. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, anyone?) Right around the time of puberty, when the normal progression is for the child to separate from the parents and form an identity of her own, the child enters into crisis. She wants to become her own person but has no idea who she is because she's never been allowed to be herself: she's been who others (i.e., mom) want her to be. She has NO identity.
Additional family dysfunction only enhances the child's difficulties. The family dysfunction likely never created a problem before because the child was, well, still a child. It's when the kids start to grow up, see that something is wrong in the family, and are unable to articulate it, that anorexia comes about. Hey, some kids do drugs. Some smoke. Some go the other way and excel at sports. Whatever. But most kids in this kind of situation end up with an eating disorder because food is the only thing in their lives that they can control. (For example, mom may make herself the center of attention when her daughter takes first place at a gymnastics meet...but mom can't make her daughter put an apple in her mouth, chew it, and swallow it.) Like a toddler who cries because he can't express himself, the anorexic starves because she can't articulate her feelings.
The problem?
Well, among others things, when parents finally figure out that their kid is sick, it's too late. The child has adopted a coping mechanism that she can't shake despite the fact that it's making her miserable. Why can't she shake it? Well, starving (and the mental torture one must inflict upon oneself to continue starving) make a person half crazy. Even better? The fact that she's never been allowed to have an identity? Well, guess what the anorexia has become? It becomes her identity. Then the sufferer is so mentally screwed up from the starving/anorexia-thinking that she's even more at a loss to understand why she does this to herself, what drove her to do it in the first place, and why she can't stop.
Enter Harriet Brown, whom I suspect is one of those above-mentioned overbearing narcissistic mothers. That's just my guess, given that only an extremely narcissistic and controlling mother would take the one thing that her daughter clings for an identity (the anorexia) and make it her own. And publish a book about it. And make that book all about herself. And see nothing wrong with that fact.
A little reading between the lines in this book tells you a lot about Harriet Brown. You see, from the beginning, she tells us that anorexia "chose" her daughter and not vice versa. Harriet also says that while her family had a little dysfunction, it was nothing out of the ordinary. No. Not her family. She insists they simply don't fit the anorexic family profile. (Translation: Harriet is blameless.) Yet Harriet leaves us so very many clues to the contrary that she renders own her claims laughable.
1) The book's title alone should tell you that mom's got a penchant for drama. If that's not enough to convince you, consider some of the following gems: Every time her daughter eats it's like she's "jumping from thirty-thousand feet. Without a parachute" ; "If I'd had a gun in my hand, I swear I would have pulled the trigger" ; "Every day was fraught now, strewn with mine fields and tears." Yikes. If that's just the drama on the page, imagine what it's like to live in a house with and be the daughter of this woman.
2) Here's a little hint as to what kind of mom we're dealing with. To illustrate the anorexic's typical family dynamic, Harriet gives us an example of a girl who told her mother that she wanted to be a flight attendant when she grew up and mom replied, "that's not good enough." (Shock, the daughter developed anorexia, probably after a lifetime of dealing with such *loving* encouragement.) Instead of noticing the meanness in the mother's statement, Harriet writes, "I wonder if there's a mother anywhere in America who has actively supported every single one of her daughter's choices." (ARGHGHGHGH!!!!)
3) Some other hints that something's up with this mom and her kids?
--Her daughter's first anxiety attack/anorexic meltdown happens on Mother's Day. Symbolic much?
--The girl is in her teens and still calls Harriet "mommy."
--The sick daughter would "rather be with her family than her friends" on Halloween. Huh?? She's a TEENAGER who chooses family over friends? Hello, red flag.
--The very pseudonym that Harriet gives her daughter in the book infantilizes the girl even more: "Kitty." Like a pet. Like a baby.
--Oh, and Harriet is quick to tell us that when it came to writing the book, her daughter "overcame her own preference for privacy out of a wish to help others." Sure she did. She "overcame" what she valued and wanted so that she could give mama Harriet what she wanted. And the brilliance? Harriet has herself (and probably the kid, too) convinced that it's what the daughter wants. Narcissism at its finest. Fuck me.
--On that note, it took me all of 3 minutes to find "Kitty's" true identity with Google. If Harriet really did care about concealing her daughter's identity, wouldn't she have done a little more to hide her than simply changing the name? It almost makes me think Harriet enjoys the attention. Shocking.
4) Apparently, a lot of other people noticed her daughter's anorexia long before Harriet did. One friend tells her as much. Instead of using this moment to do a little reflection and self-evaluation as to why she, as the mother, never saw it happening, Harriet's reaction is, "I feel like slapping her. No, punching her in the mouth. No, garroting her." (Jesus H. Christ.)
5) Harriet is sure her family is not the cause of the anorexia, despite the fact that nurses write "mother in denial" on her daughter's charts. Harriet is sure that it's not the family despite the five plus decades of research on the disease that basically says, "If your kid is anorexic, you fucked up." (Yes, the research, the case studies, the psychologists, and everyone else -- they're wrong, wrong, wrong.) She's sure it's not the family despite the fact that her other daughter screams "It's your fault my sister is anorexic!" before tearing down the street screaming at the top of her lungs that her parents are horrible.
Well. PHEW. Now that Harriet has shown us that the cause of her daughter's illness is not because she's a narcissistic "take-all-the-credit-and-none-of-the-blame" mom, Harriet can adopt the radical new "Family-Based Treatment." In FBT, the parents take complete charge of all of the child's meals ... because that's just what an anorexic needs: more control from mom. What a wonderful way to go against the stacks of research that say "it's not about the food," and, well, make it about the food.
FBT is great for Harriet because, according to developers of the method, there's "no need to know [the cause of anorexia] in order to treat the illness." Oh! Perfect! So her daughter never needs to learn why she's sick, what triggers her anorexia, and what changes to make in her life in order to sustain her recovery! YAY! That pesky "why?" that plagues all anorexics can just be swept under the carpet! It'll all be fine as long as she just eats! HOORAY!
Wow. That sounds a lot like not vaccinating your child, treating the onslaught of illnesses that follow with sugar pills, and all the while wondering why your kid keeps getting sick. Heh. Fixing the surface issue instead of repairing the problem at the source. Gee. Great idea.
Are you surprised to hear that her daughter relapsed again and again?
What kills me, absolutely KILLS me, is that the daughter repeatedly asked to go to inpatient therapy and the parents continuously refused. God forbid they relinquish control and let their daughter develop the skills necessary for recovery. Could it be that they're afraid of what will surface if the daughter were to go and learn for herself just why she's sick?
And why is she sick? That doesn't matter, according to Harriet, but our author gives us a little clue anyway: "I don't think I'm one of those mothers who believes she's close with her child when actually the child loathes her." (PSSSSST. Harriet. Think again. You just nailed it.)
300-some pages of infuriating, self-serving denial. My heart really goes out to Harriet's daughter.
Disturbing and melodramatic and ...
SUCKED.
****Update: 21/3/2012: I need to give credit where credit is due. For an eloquent and informative review (NOT AUTHORED BY ME) of Brave Girl Eating that, unlike my review, places facts over rage, please see
For scathing snark and wrath, my review is below.****
***Sigh. Let's do this. Oh, and Harriet Brown, I hope you read this. I really, really do. Though I doubt it would do you any good.*** (Update: she has read it, contacted me and unleashed her fans on me. I was right: it didn't do any good.)
Brave Girls Eating is Harriet Brown's memoir about her experiences with her daughter's anorexia.
This book gave me nightmares: I literally had dreams that I was in a therapy session with Harriet Brown, screaming at her while she laughed and smiled away. The positive reviews of this book on goodreads have left me absolutely dumbfounded.
Here's the deal.
Decades of psychological studies done on anorexia paint a picture of family dysfunction that brings about the disorder. More or less, the typical story goes like this: one parent -- usually the mother -- is overbearing, controlling, suffocating, lacks boundaries, is the center of the family's attention, and is totally entrenched in denial about any problems existing within herself or her family. (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, anyone?) Right around the time of puberty, when the normal progression is for the child to separate from the parents and form an identity of her own, the child enters into crisis. She wants to become her own person but has no idea who she is because she's never been allowed to be herself: she's been who others (i.e., mom) want her to be. She has NO identity.
Additional family dysfunction only enhances the child's difficulties. The family dysfunction likely never created a problem before because the child was, well, still a child. It's when the kids start to grow up, see that something is wrong in the family, and are unable to articulate it, that anorexia comes about. Hey, some kids do drugs. Some smoke. Some go the other way and excel at sports. Whatever. But most kids in this kind of situation end up with an eating disorder because food is the only thing in their lives that they can control. (For example, mom may make herself the center of attention when her daughter takes first place at a gymnastics meet...but mom can't make her daughter put an apple in her mouth, chew it, and swallow it.) Like a toddler who cries because he can't express himself, the anorexic starves because she can't articulate her feelings.
The problem?
Well, among others things, when parents finally figure out that their kid is sick, it's too late. The child has adopted a coping mechanism that she can't shake despite the fact that it's making her miserable. Why can't she shake it? Well, starving (and the mental torture one must inflict upon oneself to continue starving) make a person half crazy. Even better? The fact that she's never been allowed to have an identity? Well, guess what the anorexia has become? It becomes her identity. Then the sufferer is so mentally screwed up from the starving/anorexia-thinking that she's even more at a loss to understand why she does this to herself, what drove her to do it in the first place, and why she can't stop.
Enter Harriet Brown, whom I suspect is one of those above-mentioned overbearing narcissistic mothers. That's just my guess, given that only an extremely narcissistic and controlling mother would take the one thing that her daughter clings for an identity (the anorexia) and make it her own. And publish a book about it. And make that book all about herself. And see nothing wrong with that fact.
A little reading between the lines in this book tells you a lot about Harriet Brown. You see, from the beginning, she tells us that anorexia "chose" her daughter and not vice versa. Harriet also says that while her family had a little dysfunction, it was nothing out of the ordinary. No. Not her family. She insists they simply don't fit the anorexic family profile. (Translation: Harriet is blameless.) Yet Harriet leaves us so very many clues to the contrary that she renders own her claims laughable.
1) The book's title alone should tell you that mom's got a penchant for drama. If that's not enough to convince you, consider some of the following gems: Every time her daughter eats it's like she's "jumping from thirty-thousand feet. Without a parachute" ; "If I'd had a gun in my hand, I swear I would have pulled the trigger" ; "Every day was fraught now, strewn with mine fields and tears." Yikes. If that's just the drama on the page, imagine what it's like to live in a house with and be the daughter of this woman.
2) Here's a little hint as to what kind of mom we're dealing with. To illustrate the anorexic's typical family dynamic, Harriet gives us an example of a girl who told her mother that she wanted to be a flight attendant when she grew up and mom replied, "that's not good enough." (Shock, the daughter developed anorexia, probably after a lifetime of dealing with such *loving* encouragement.) Instead of noticing the meanness in the mother's statement, Harriet writes, "I wonder if there's a mother anywhere in America who has actively supported every single one of her daughter's choices." (ARGHGHGHGH!!!!)
3) Some other hints that something's up with this mom and her kids?
--Her daughter's first anxiety attack/anorexic meltdown happens on Mother's Day. Symbolic much?
--The girl is in her teens and still calls Harriet "mommy."
--The sick daughter would "rather be with her family than her friends" on Halloween. Huh?? She's a TEENAGER who chooses family over friends? Hello, red flag.
--The very pseudonym that Harriet gives her daughter in the book infantilizes the girl even more: "Kitty." Like a pet. Like a baby.
--Oh, and Harriet is quick to tell us that when it came to writing the book, her daughter "overcame her own preference for privacy out of a wish to help others." Sure she did. She "overcame" what she valued and wanted so that she could give mama Harriet what she wanted. And the brilliance? Harriet has herself (and probably the kid, too) convinced that it's what the daughter wants. Narcissism at its finest. Fuck me.
--On that note, it took me all of 3 minutes to find "Kitty's" true identity with Google. If Harriet really did care about concealing her daughter's identity, wouldn't she have done a little more to hide her than simply changing the name? It almost makes me think Harriet enjoys the attention. Shocking.
4) Apparently, a lot of other people noticed her daughter's anorexia long before Harriet did. One friend tells her as much. Instead of using this moment to do a little reflection and self-evaluation as to why she, as the mother, never saw it happening, Harriet's reaction is, "I feel like slapping her. No, punching her in the mouth. No, garroting her." (Jesus H. Christ.)
5) Harriet is sure her family is not the cause of the anorexia, despite the fact that nurses write "mother in denial" on her daughter's charts. Harriet is sure that it's not the family despite the five plus decades of research on the disease that basically says, "If your kid is anorexic, you fucked up." (Yes, the research, the case studies, the psychologists, and everyone else -- they're wrong, wrong, wrong.) She's sure it's not the family despite the fact that her other daughter screams "It's your fault my sister is anorexic!" before tearing down the street screaming at the top of her lungs that her parents are horrible.
Well. PHEW. Now that Harriet has shown us that the cause of her daughter's illness is not because she's a narcissistic "take-all-the-credit-and-none-of-the-blame" mom, Harriet can adopt the radical new "Family-Based Treatment." In FBT, the parents take complete charge of all of the child's meals ... because that's just what an anorexic needs: more control from mom. What a wonderful way to go against the stacks of research that say "it's not about the food," and, well, make it about the food.
FBT is great for Harriet because, according to developers of the method, there's "no need to know [the cause of anorexia] in order to treat the illness." Oh! Perfect! So her daughter never needs to learn why she's sick, what triggers her anorexia, and what changes to make in her life in order to sustain her recovery! YAY! That pesky "why?" that plagues all anorexics can just be swept under the carpet! It'll all be fine as long as she just eats! HOORAY!
Wow. That sounds a lot like not vaccinating your child, treating the onslaught of illnesses that follow with sugar pills, and all the while wondering why your kid keeps getting sick. Heh. Fixing the surface issue instead of repairing the problem at the source. Gee. Great idea.
Are you surprised to hear that her daughter relapsed again and again?
What kills me, absolutely KILLS me, is that the daughter repeatedly asked to go to inpatient therapy and the parents continuously refused. God forbid they relinquish control and let their daughter develop the skills necessary for recovery. Could it be that they're afraid of what will surface if the daughter were to go and learn for herself just why she's sick?
And why is she sick? That doesn't matter, according to Harriet, but our author gives us a little clue anyway: "I don't think I'm one of those mothers who believes she's close with her child when actually the child loathes her." (PSSSSST. Harriet. Think again. You just nailed it.)
300-some pages of infuriating, self-serving denial. My heart really goes out to Harriet's daughter.
Disturbing and melodramatic and ...
SUCKED.
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Brave Girl Eating.
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Reading Progress
January 29, 2012
–
Started Reading
January 29, 2012
– Shelved
March 16, 2012
– Shelved as:
auto-bios-etc
March 16, 2012
– Shelved as:
i-want-my-money-back
March 16, 2012
– Shelved as:
sucked
March 16, 2012
–
Finished Reading
March 17, 2012
– Shelved as:
worst-garbage-i-ve-ever-read
March 21, 2012
– Shelved as:
rants
Comments Showing 1-50 of 348 (348 new)
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by
Renee
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Jan 29, 2012 03:15PM
*Like* Hehe, can't wait for the snark to begin!
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"Brave Girl Eating"??? Gahhhhhd, the poor, poor kid whose mom wrote this book. >shudder<
Brilliant review. Makes my heart ache for her daughter, and I am sure Harriet is laughing all the way to the bank.By the way - my kids are 11 & 13, and they still have a playroom! lol.
By the way - my kids are 11 & 13, and they still have a playroom! lol."Harriet's kid was pushing fifteen when the whole "I'd rather be with you, mommy" on Halloween happened, followed by the mention of the playroom. 15 with a playroom is different than 11 or 13 with a play room. And a 15 year-old calling her mother "mommy" and wanting to be with her and not friends is a total warning sign that something is wrong.
I find it disturbing because not only does the typical mother of an anorexic prevent the child's identity from forming (because mom has forced her own identity on the kid) the mom often attempts to infaltilize (is that a word?) the child.
It makes me effing sick. This whole book makes me just want to scream. The denial. The charade. The drama.
I want to send Harriet a link to my review but I know her type. She's in denial up to her eyeballs.
I hope to all hell that her daughter gets inpatient therapy for two weeks then gets the hell away from psycho mom, develops a great support network of friends, and leaves the e.d. behind.
Sorry for the rant but this book REALLY rubbed me the wrong way.
Elizabeth wrote: "La Petite Américaine wrote: "Everything you described is just horrifying. I'm really amazed the book is selling so well. Don't other people see this? "I'm sure people don't see it because Harriet is a convincing writer and because most people are ignorant about eating disorders.
Elizabeth took the words right out of my mouth. I read this yesterday and just now read it again. I especially hate when authors "attack" others, and in such a public way. Be it an attack against a reader or another author, it's disgusting and it immediately takes the author off of my to-read list. Thank you for letting people know - I've been around for your reviews long enough to trust your thoughts. I'll spread the word about this one - happily.
Thanks, Eva. It's my new mission to make sure no one buys this book.But guess what? My sister's curiosity was roused by my review and she bought the book! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I don't think one of my bad reviews ever convinced someone to buy the book. Dammit. It backfired. :)
I read this book and have never had any kind of eating disorder. Just based on what Harriett tells us it is so obvious this mother cannot relinquish control of her daughter. I found her to be totally obsessed with her daughter's disorder. At some point, you have to let go of your kids so they can be independent and make their own choices and learn and grow. Policing dysfunction of your child in this manner is not fair to the rest of the family. It is like the mother is obsessed and then to write a book about it and do all that research is more obsessive. I think professionals are more equipped to deal with mental illness than parents who think they have all the answers and have no objectivity. I do not think this child now adult will improve until she moves out and breaks away from her family dysfunction discovering her own sense of self. This mother needs to back the f--- off!! I have two daughters myself and cannot imagine acting this way. She is lucky she did not lose her job and family by making her daughter's disease the center of the universe.
She is lucky she did not lose her job and family by making her daughter's disease the center of the universe. well, it's not over yet. Eating disorders don't just go away because the person has been forced to eat again. if the family dysfunction hasn't been dealt with (and it hasn't in this case) the lives of everyone in that family will deteriorate. Brown is the classic textbook example of the mother of an anorexic; her complete denial, obsession with ”Kitty,� and blindness to any culpability are mind boggling and disturbing.
I really wish the best for both her kids. Get away from mom, girls, it'll get better.
And the other thing that's just totally unnerving is the author's complete lack of introspection. She never once turns inward to do any kind of self examination, she never questions herself. So if mom's obsessive refeeding technique somehow magically cures the anorexia (hint: it won't)it just means that the daughter will have learned nothing about herself from the experience...and grow up with a lack of self awareness and introspection...just...like...mom.
Great.
Perfect.
Bish, bash, bosh! Sounds like that got your creative bile boiling! I am tempted to read the book now you've poured out such strong feelings - I'm a bit busy with other books though and so will have to take your word for it. I wonder if you've read "We need to talk about Kevin"? Would be interesting to get your take on that book as a comparison. Not that I'm judging you of course! :O
Haven't read We Need to Talk About Kevin. Jesus, if my review of Brown's book is having the reverse effect I may have to take it down.
I recommend Kevin although it took me a while to get into it. The style is quite irritating at first but worth persevering with. I haven't seen the film but it might spoil the book if you have.
I'll have to take a look for sure. Thanks for the recommendation.
Thanks for review link- Now I face another "Kiterunner" dilemma; don't buy this book but do read this book. Library? Pirate Bay eBook? I don't want to give this woman one penny!
This is probably the most ”important� review I've ever done. I really want people to read it and realize that Brave Girl Eating is essentially a how-to guide for fucking up your kids.
Wow, what an extraordinary amount of vitriol for a person you have never met and an extraordinary lack of knowledge about the whole subject of eating disorders.To be honest, you got me at "All of the psychological studies done on anorexia paint a picture of family dysfunction that brings about the disorder." Citations please, rather than generalised sweeping statements. I bet I can outcite you!
This quotation, which is paraphrasing Hilde Bruche, in case any of you thought LPA had thought this up all by itself.. "Like a toddler who cries because he can't express herself, the anorexic starves because she can't articulate her feelings." is based on clinical observations done in 1970's, rather than proper research.
This particular quotation "Then the sufferer is so mentally screwed up from the starving/anorexia-thinking that she's even more at a loss to understand why she does this to herself, what drove her to do it in the first place, and why she can't stop." is, I am assuming, discussing anosognosia. This is not a new concept and many people who suffer from a brain disorder also suffer from anosognosia. They have no idea that they are ill.
Yes, anorexia nervosa is a brain disorder. Don't take my word for. If in any doubt, I am sure that Dr Thomas Insel, head of NIMH, would be delighted to debate the finer points of what a brain disorder actually is and the fact that eating disorders are brain disorders.
I am fascinated that you can be so sure that Harriet is an over-controlling mother. I am also surprised that you think that any mother would rather let her daughter die of starvation, so she could have her "own identity", when Harriet's daughter was struggling with the most lethal psychiatric disorder - anorexia nervosa. Are you suggesting that, when someone with severe depression wants to kill themselves, that we should stand by and let them, to preserve their sense of identity, when with help (both pharmaceutical and therapeutic), they can recover? Are you suggesting that your mother should let you do that? Or would you do that to one of your children?
Time, methinks, for LPA to read about eating disorders understand the science and then review the book from a place of knowledge, not prejudice and scuttlebutt.
Next thing you know, LPA will be claiming that autism is caused by refridgerator mothers!
La PetitI don't know Harriet. I have come across her in my work but have never met her. Looking forward to the chewing and spitting - not something I come across much - but I have to warn you I am in the UK, so may sleep through the worst of your responses. Please do not think you have scared me off or that I am running for the hills.
Charlotte
Oh good, so I know I won't make you cry. But I did feel that a head's up was in order.
I'm English. We don't cry.
I'm speechless. It's as if the last four decades of evidence based research have never happened. Sweeping assumptions about monstrous mothers who would see their daughters starve to reinforce their own "identity" are just plain wrong. Worse than that they are damaging. Let's stick to the facts - in FBT families take control of the child's eating because the child cannot take control themselves, and sadly all too often the medical profession believe that talking through the "family issues" will solve the problem. Restoring a sufferer to a healthy weight and then keeping them there, supported throughout with love, care, understanding and compassion is what FBT is about. It is NOT about "repairing the surface issue rather than fixing the problem at the source" . The source is proven to be a biologically based brain disorder, often with a strong genetic link, not a lifestyle choice brought about as a reaction to a dysfunctional family. I'm sorry for LPA. If this is how they like to validate themselves, taking cheap shots fro a position of total ignorance all I can say is please get an education.
Touche'. I think I like you. :)
The above comment was for Charlotte, not Sue.Ok ladies, I will deal with both of your comments in due time.
And now we have the Christian perspective. How sweet. Now, before we get all sentimental, remember that I'll respond soon.
Would love to stay and play but we had that daylight saving thing over here last night, so it's time for family supper and beddie byes, so I am all bushy tailed for you in the morning. xx
I'm wading in to the breach too LPA. I'm putting my cards on the table straight off - I have a daughter with anorexia. So by your account I am attention seeking, selfish, lacking in introspection, controlling and the sole cause of my daughter's illness. I do not claim to be the perfect mother. But equally, I'm really not bad! I have always loved my daughters, encouraged them to find their own interests and passions, helped them when help was needed, let them try things alone when that was appropriate. I have not sought to control their choices of subjects at school, possible careers, fashion sense, hair cuts, boyfriends, or sexuality. My love for them is unconditional. It did not require them to look a certain way or be a certain size. I do not obsess about my own weight (which is perfectly normal in case you think that is the critical thing. I never obsessed about healthy eating, nor did I strive to control their appetites.
Oh, and just to blow your other theories out of the water - I am married to their father. He is a kind and loving father (not distant, not abusive, just a regular guy). My daughter has not suffered sexual abuse, let's get rid of that myth right now.
So would you care to tell me what I did? Obviously you are the self appointed expert......
Oh, and by the way, I have soul searched, I have looked hard to find where I went wrong, because if I could have found that, and put it right, then everything would be OK again.
Tmum: have you used fbt? just curious.
Oh, and my daughter is currently here with her boyfriend, waiting for her dinner, having had a lovely day out in the sunshine and luch at wagamama's, rather than frail cold and weak in her room or in a hospital or inpatient facility, because when she became so horribly ill (and it is dramatic and bloody awful)I took control of her food.
Charlotte... Top of the morning to you. Petite is more than capable of answering your 'scholarship' requests. Just know with your zero books read and zero books reviewed the your 'street cred' as a goodreader is well, zero. In Las Vegas you would be called a shill.With zero experience with eating disorders, but 30 years working with children, nothing is more upsetting to me than a parent exploiting their child's personal life to 'make a buck' or 'make a point'. Toddlers in Tiaras or Brave Girl Eating- it's all the same. How does a parent deposit that Network appearance fee or book royalty check into their bank account?
I agree. In the end Harriet Brown is still whoring out her kid for a buck. One more reason this book makes me want to rip my hair out
I'm reluctant to dip in here, as I fear dignifying your snark with honest response. I know this is only a book review and you are just one small opinion in a large world, but I wonder if you have any idea how very harmful these ideas would be if you're wrong? And you are. Miserably, offensively, frighteningly so.
Consider this: a parent in that first week of understanding that her son has an eating disorder is a member of GoodReads and happens upon your review. It feeds into her preconceptions - ones you are channelling from 1980s literature and practice that is so far off the mainstream that it makes me feel better about a world I still consider Old School.
That mother makes poor decisions in choosing care because this review hits her heart right at its weakest points: the healthy and normal guilt of any parent with an ill child. She sets out in her search for help with the conviction that seen or unseen she is at fault. She does not choose evidence-based care.
That young man dies. Maybe not this month, or this year, but he dies.
You're willing to take that risk?
I'm not exaggerating when I say that you are far, far behind in your understanding of this illness. I'm not fooling when I say that you may have an effect on a real person, a real family. How confident are you that you're on the right side of this?
Consider this: a parent in that first week of understanding that her son has an eating disorder is a member of GoodReads and happens upon your review. It feeds into her preconceptions - ones you are channelling from 1980s literature and practice that is so far off the mainstream that it makes me feel better about a world I still consider Old School.
That mother makes poor decisions in choosing care because this review hits her heart right at its weakest points: the healthy and normal guilt of any parent with an ill child. She sets out in her search for help with the conviction that seen or unseen she is at fault. She does not choose evidence-based care.
That young man dies. Maybe not this month, or this year, but he dies.
You're willing to take that risk?
I'm not exaggerating when I say that you are far, far behind in your understanding of this illness. I'm not fooling when I say that you may have an effect on a real person, a real family. How confident are you that you're on the right side of this?
Breaking the rule of no computer after supper here.Firstly, Tim, thank you for your kind welcome to the world of ŷ. This is the first time I have come across the site and everybody has to start somewhere....
I agree that exploiting children for profit is despicable and hideous. Funnily enough, I don't get that vibe from Harriet's book (which I have read - have you). I get a book of hope and help for parents of children with eating disorders. It is not a fairy tale. I am sure you are aware that helping a child with eating disorders is a long, arduous and difficult journey and I felt that Harriet was offering a honest account of it.
La Petit
Whoring her kid? Really? Or are you saying that for effect? Come on, darling. Play fair.
Ok guys, I can't do all of this from my smartphone. You're going to have to wait til lunch time when I turn on the laptop.
David wrote: With zero experience with eating disorders, but 30 years working with children, nothing is more upsetting to me than a parent exploiting their child's personal life to 'make a buck' or 'make a point'. Toddlers in Tiaras or Brave Girl Eating- it's all the same. How does a parent deposit that Network appearance fee or book royalty check into their bank account?
To answer your stomach-turning, vile question, to save lives. When you've had your child almost killed by poor treatment sometimes you want to stand up and warn others. Treatment for autism, schizophrenia, even asthma required people to stand up and speak up. How many lives have you saved this week? Brown is saving them every day.
I hope you never, ever have to face what Brown's family did. It disgusts me to think that for doing so she (and I, by the way) face such horrific accusations. Saving lives of other people's children is the point. Trust me, the money is not the reason. I wonder if you have any idea how cruel and wrong that is to say. I'm guessing no. I feel sorry for you that you could speak that way about another human being.
You're not hurting Brown - she's a professional writer and knows the territory. Your karma, however, is in some peril.
To answer your stomach-turning, vile question, to save lives. When you've had your child almost killed by poor treatment sometimes you want to stand up and warn others. Treatment for autism, schizophrenia, even asthma required people to stand up and speak up. How many lives have you saved this week? Brown is saving them every day.
I hope you never, ever have to face what Brown's family did. It disgusts me to think that for doing so she (and I, by the way) face such horrific accusations. Saving lives of other people's children is the point. Trust me, the money is not the reason. I wonder if you have any idea how cruel and wrong that is to say. I'm guessing no. I feel sorry for you that you could speak that way about another human being.
You're not hurting Brown - she's a professional writer and knows the territory. Your karma, however, is in some peril.
Ok, please spare me the drama about karma or I'm going to delete your comments.
I mean seriously, Laura, you've got yourself worked up over an internet thread. Calm down.
Now La Petit, that wouldn't be playing fair, would it? We might all go away and not play anymore and that would not give either you or I a chance to see how this pans out.xx
It would be very fair. I haven't got patience for histrionics.
As an MD who specializes in these illnesses, I am dismayed by the review. LPA's stance reflects an alarming ignorance of the current state-of-the-art in eating disorders treatment. The reality is that the evidence stating parents are to blame for anorexia has been essentially debunked and has an enormous bias, and that the evidence base for family-based treatment, which is indeed a treatment wherein during the first phase of therapy the parent(s) takes charge of meals, and then supports the resumption of the teenager's age-appropriate autonomy in phases 2 and 3, is actually quite robust and has now been shown effective in numerous well-conducted trials. All types of families fall prey to eating disorders; they are common and lethal illnesses and they do not discriminate. Divorced parents, married parents, wonderful parents, flawed parents, passive parents, authoritarian parents, parents of all socioeconomic strata and from diverse backgrounds, are ALL susceptible. I don't know any perfect parents; but I do know that parents of children and adolescents with eating disorders are faced with a very scary fight ahead of them, and absolutely don't need to deal with outdated theories that blame them for an illness that is no more their fault than strep throat.
Parents that decide to use FBT are willingly putting themselves on the front lines of fighting these illnesses, which is an exhausting, emotionally challenging process, that requires - mandates, even - serious self-reflection on the part of caregivers throughout the process. The family IS examined in this process - but they are examined as agents of change, and when there are things they need to adjust in their behavior, this is reflected to them without blame or shame. They are placed on an equal playing field with their clinicians, and treated with the dignity and respect they deserve. I don't want to blame parents, not because I am afraid of offending them, but BECAUSE THERE IS NOW EVIDENCE THAT THIS IS NOT AN ACCURATE STANCE IN THE MAJORITY OF CASES, and because there is zero evidence that blaming them helps their children, even in the few cases when their behavior needs to change to help their children.
I realize that it may be threatening to LPA to think that any parents are susceptible to facing anorexia in their child, especially if you are a parent yourself - you can't then consider yourself immune because your apparently infallible parenting instincts may not protect you and yours. Brave Girl Eating is just one mother's account. But as such, many have found it useful. Perhaps you should follow your own advice about self-reflection, and examine why this book brings up such strong emotions for you, rather than prejudge not only the author, but also all parents fighting this deadly disease with their children. Your stance is unsupported by the current medical and psychiatric literature, and is dangerously reductionistic, and this makes it challenging to take seriously.
You're an MD? Sure. Can you post your credentials? A Web address?
In the UK it is not quite FBT in the exact same way, but yes the evidence based treatment here now is to stop the starvation first, get the weight back up and normalise eating. That is the recommendation because it gives the best chance of recovery.Once the weight is healthy, and the brain can start to heal - starvation causes changes to the brain that are visible on scans - then is the time to start the process of handing back control of food, and addressing any issues. Then is also the time to teach coping strategies and skills that one hopes will make relapse less likely. However, sadly, it is an illness often characterised by relapse, because there is a recognised genetic component to the susceptability, and there are personality traits that make one more vulnerable, and because there seem to be some aspects of the effect of restricting food that are different in an anorexic compared with somebody who does not have the susceptability (the anorexic does seem, in the short term, to get relief from anxiety by not eating - which is certainly not my reaction to be starving hungry!)
My daughter is physically healthy now. There is still work to do. She sets very high goals for herself (NOTE - for herself, not for Mum. I have often told her not to worry so much, that grades don't matter as much as her health and happiness, but anorexia does tend to afflict those who a very bright, very conscientious and prone to anxiety,) She needs tho learn to cut herself some slack, to recognise when she is getting anxious and find other ways of handling it. She still needs to overcome anxiety over some particular foods. It is a complex gruelling process. But my role is to do my utmost to help her to learn all the skills she needs so that she can live the life she wants and pursue her dreams and goals. In the short to medium term that has required me to take much more of a role in her daily life (food and exercise) than is "normal" for a teenager. Not because I don't have my own life and goals and dreams, but because she is my beloved daughter and if i didn't take control of the food, the anorexia - a potentially fatal brain based mental illness- did.
To encourage a family to follow the path set out by a non healthcare professional in a completely unobjective book about one's daughter; and to ignore decades of research, established medical practice, and common sense. To me that is a Karma issue. No one is going to die because I'm calling out Charlotte as a non-reviewer or objecting to cashing a check earned by revealing a child's most personal issues. Ignoring your family doctor, your MD in psychology your clincal psychologist, and the advice of a hospital staff involving any medical/psychological condition is just plain stupid.
I'll have to agree on that one.
Tmum: since you just joined good reads today: click on a profile to see where a person is from
DavidI don't mean to be picky but science moves on. What was good practice for autism in the 80's is now considered barbaric and cruel.
Here in the UK, our government guidelines recommend that the patient is treated at home (NICE Guidelines for Eating Disorders) and there are many hospitals who recommend FBT in the first instance. In fact, the Maudsley Method was manualised by two American doctors (Chicago and California). However, as I am sure you are a testament to, it is very difficult to keep up with evidence based practices and read round a subject like eating disorders that is not a common condition. With the internet, it is now much more common for patients suffering from all conditions to "call out" their clinicians and question their advice, if they feel the clinicians may not be as up-to-date as the patient/carer/family would like - just ask an oncologist....
I am certainly not intending to "die" because you called me out as a non-reviewer.
Petite.... Your power is amazing. Somehow you singlehandedly got at least 3 people to join ŷ today. ŷ needs to put you on the payroll.... Ironically don't these Harriet defenders realize how ŷ works? I smell a conspiracy ?
DavidConspiracy theories now? Sigh.
La Petit has opened up an interesting and emotive discussion from both sides of the fence and I admire her for her honesty and understand (I hope!) her reasoning. Although we have only just been introduced, I think that she may find interaction with people who have a different viewpoint from hers both challenging and enervating - more so than a bunch of acolytes agreeing with every word she says, without even reading the book.
LP
It really is past my bedtime now - I hope I was right in assuming that you are happy to continue this discussion once you have got to a laptop?
xx
La Petite Américaine - I am absolutely appalled by your review of this very GOOD book.Has it not occurred to you that Anorexia and other EDs are actually biological brain disorders rather than something children pick up from bad parenting and dysfunctional families?
Has it not occurred to you that people who are bought up in safe, secure, loving and FULLY functional families can also get Anorexia?
Do you not realise that we are talking about a disease here which, if you knew what it was like, you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy? There is not one person on this planet who chooses to live with anorexia. In the same way that there is not anyone alive who chooses to have cancer or autism.
Do you think Harriet Brown is overbearing? If so - how? You said you are "making a guess" - I wouldn't make assumptions like that. She has clearly written this book because she is loving, caring and HELPING other people. She is absolutely not making herself centre of attention. She is not doing it to make money. That is not the point.
I fully support Charlotte, Laura and co here.
David - I think you will probably find that Charlotte has done A LOT of reading and research of books and SCIENTIFIC papers - the fact that she has "read" none on here doesn't mean anything.
Harriet Brown's book is one of the first books I read when my daughter was diagnosed with RAN. Her book allowed me to separate my daughter's disease from my daughter. I was able to understand that my daughter was very very ill. She wasn't "acting out" for attention. I am by no means a Perfect mother, but I am a pretty Damn good one. I have always nurtured and encouraged my children (I have 4) to follow their dreams. I've encouraged them to stand up for themselves and do the best they could at whatever THEY chose to do. It's a misconception, a dangerous one, that leads ignorant people to believe that families cause mental disorders. That's like saying families cause cancer or diabetes. Ridiculous and it's a DANGEROUS myth to be perpetuating !It's unfortunate that this review will be read by desperate families looking for help on how to save their sick child. But there are so many more wonderful and positive reviews of this book that it doesn't worry me.
As you yourself said " For an eloquent and informative review of Brave Girl Eating that, unlike my review, places facts over rage, please see ...
I guess it should be taken with a grain of salt that you review books in rage and not in facts. Pity. What makes you so angry ? Mommy issues ?
I have some mixed reactions to this review and comments that have followed it. I think the reviewer's comments about eating disorders being scientifically proven to be a result of overbearing parenting ARE a bit off-base. In reality, there are many, many factors that cause eating disorders. Some people with eating disorders do have overbearing, controlling mothers. Some absolutely do not.
Keep in mind, those who are trying to defend the parent using the theory that eating disorders are genetic or biological illness: the child has half of the parent's DNA. When we say that people with eating disorders often have personality traits of being controlling, self-centered and prone to anxiety, it is very possible that the parent shares some or all of those genetic traits themselves.
I know that family-based therapy has been shown to be effective for some families. I know that there are wonderful parents out there who don't deserve the assumptions that they did something wrong. That's where the "but" comes in for me.
I don't think that Harriet Brown, specifically, is one of those wonderful, non-controlling, non-self-centered parents who places her child's well-being and emotional health first. I believe the author was pointing out the lack of introspection and self-reflection in Harriet's writing. I think that's a very valid point. Sure, those who know Harriet may say that she is quite introspective, but I don't think that came across in her book. For someone who claims to be challenging the stereotypes of the controlling mother, she, personally, did not do a good job. I believe there are others who can do much better.
