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Tiffany 's Reviews > Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex
Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex
by
by
3 stars
I really didn't want to write this review. I feel like some kind of traitor to the ace community for rating this anything lower than 5 stars, since it has so many glowing reviews. And it did have a lot of merit � I love how stories of POC and disabled ace people were featured.
However. Some aspects of this book... upset me. Probably because I am a small naive child. But I felt like I wasn't the intended audience of this book. It felt geared toward allosexual allies to spread awareness of the ace community more than it felt actually written for asexual people themselves, and I think aro or romantic asexual people who want a less conventional relationship than I do would be a better fit for this book than I was.
To clear things up: I am an asexual person who experiences romantic attraction, and not only that, but I want a rom-com worthy relationship with all the cheesy romantic trappings, except sex, which I am not open to at all and of which the very concept scares me. I didn't see myself in this book at all. Far from it � this book made me question if I am actually asexual since I want an extremely romantic relationship, and it also made me question if I actually experience romantic attraction since I'm not open to sex at all. This book literally made me cry three times, and books almost never make me cry.
Now, I'll summarize exactly what I did and didn't like:
What I did like:
- As I said, stories of POC and disabled ace people are showcased, focusing on the intersection of their various identities, which was quite enlightening.
- It was mostly very well written and easy to read. My only issue with the writing is how contradictory some of it seemed, which I'll mention in the what I didn't like section.
- I read it in only like 6 days, which is amazingly fast for me.
-I think the book as a whole had extremely good intentions and all the complaints I have are all unintentional on the author's part.
What I didn't like:
-The chapter on romantic attraction seemed off. The author says toward the end of the chapter that she is by no means saying that romantic and platonic attraction is the same thing, but throughout the chapter that seems like what she's implying, and throughout the whole book, romantic attraction seems kind of erased and portrayed as secondary and less important. Personally, I think there's more of a clear boundary between romantic and platonic attraction than the author makes it seem. It made romance seem less romantic and more technical, and I am such an innocent hopeless romantic child that that bothered me.
- Every single romantic couple mentioned in the book has had sex at some point, either on a regular basis, as part of some compromise (now the very word compromise scares me because of this book), or they used to do it in the past and later decided they didn't want to. It makes it seem like a queer-platonic relationship is the only option if you don't want to ever have sex. So I guess I'm going to be single forever then if having sex at some point is necesary to be in a romantic relationship.
- It is implied toward the end of the book that if ace people are accepted in society, the label asexual will be completely unnecessary and can then be done away with. I don't think that's what the author actually meant, but at any rate, that part didn't make any sense to me and made me upset for no good reason because I am extremely attached to the label asexual
-The writing in general is pretty contradictory in some places, as the last several points somewhat illustrate.
In summary, I have no idea what to think of this book. I went into it fully expecting to love it, not have multiple mental breakdowns over it.
Would I recommend it? Hmm, actually I think I probably would, believe it or not. It has a lot of good points in it, and it probably wouldn't upset most people anywhere near as much as it upset me. Besides, most people have rated it very highly. However, another book on the topic that I personally liked better and would recommend more is The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.
I really didn't want to write this review. I feel like some kind of traitor to the ace community for rating this anything lower than 5 stars, since it has so many glowing reviews. And it did have a lot of merit � I love how stories of POC and disabled ace people were featured.
However. Some aspects of this book... upset me. Probably because I am a small naive child. But I felt like I wasn't the intended audience of this book. It felt geared toward allosexual allies to spread awareness of the ace community more than it felt actually written for asexual people themselves, and I think aro or romantic asexual people who want a less conventional relationship than I do would be a better fit for this book than I was.
To clear things up: I am an asexual person who experiences romantic attraction, and not only that, but I want a rom-com worthy relationship with all the cheesy romantic trappings, except sex, which I am not open to at all and of which the very concept scares me. I didn't see myself in this book at all. Far from it � this book made me question if I am actually asexual since I want an extremely romantic relationship, and it also made me question if I actually experience romantic attraction since I'm not open to sex at all. This book literally made me cry three times, and books almost never make me cry.
Now, I'll summarize exactly what I did and didn't like:
What I did like:
- As I said, stories of POC and disabled ace people are showcased, focusing on the intersection of their various identities, which was quite enlightening.
- It was mostly very well written and easy to read. My only issue with the writing is how contradictory some of it seemed, which I'll mention in the what I didn't like section.
- I read it in only like 6 days, which is amazingly fast for me.
-I think the book as a whole had extremely good intentions and all the complaints I have are all unintentional on the author's part.
What I didn't like:
-The chapter on romantic attraction seemed off. The author says toward the end of the chapter that she is by no means saying that romantic and platonic attraction is the same thing, but throughout the chapter that seems like what she's implying, and throughout the whole book, romantic attraction seems kind of erased and portrayed as secondary and less important. Personally, I think there's more of a clear boundary between romantic and platonic attraction than the author makes it seem. It made romance seem less romantic and more technical, and I am such an innocent hopeless romantic child that that bothered me.
- Every single romantic couple mentioned in the book has had sex at some point, either on a regular basis, as part of some compromise (now the very word compromise scares me because of this book), or they used to do it in the past and later decided they didn't want to. It makes it seem like a queer-platonic relationship is the only option if you don't want to ever have sex. So I guess I'm going to be single forever then if having sex at some point is necesary to be in a romantic relationship.
- It is implied toward the end of the book that if ace people are accepted in society, the label asexual will be completely unnecessary and can then be done away with. I don't think that's what the author actually meant, but at any rate, that part didn't make any sense to me and made me upset for no good reason because I am extremely attached to the label asexual
-The writing in general is pretty contradictory in some places, as the last several points somewhat illustrate.
In summary, I have no idea what to think of this book. I went into it fully expecting to love it, not have multiple mental breakdowns over it.
Would I recommend it? Hmm, actually I think I probably would, believe it or not. It has a lot of good points in it, and it probably wouldn't upset most people anywhere near as much as it upset me. Besides, most people have rated it very highly. However, another book on the topic that I personally liked better and would recommend more is The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality.
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Reading Progress
August 29, 2020
– Shelved
August 29, 2020
– Shelved as:
to-read
August 30, 2020
– Shelved as:
lgbtq
May 2, 2021
–
Started Reading
May 3, 2021
–
24.0%
May 6, 2021
–
50.0%
May 7, 2021
–
Finished Reading
May 9, 2021
– Shelved as:
other-nonfiction
Comments Showing 1-14 of 14 (14 new)
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Lacey
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May 08, 2021 02:12PM
Amazing review!
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Lacey wrote: "Amazing review!"Thank you!
Great review: I'm only halfway through the book at the moment, but I recognise many of the points you make. Really appreciate how nuanced you expressed you opinion, and thanks for the recommendation of The Invisible Orientation!
It’s funny how much of what you didn’t like about this book were the parts I loved (particularly all the contradictions). As an aroace girl (who wants a qpr) the idea of romance presented here lines up very well with my own ideas. But I also wished the author presented a more diverse view of romance for aces as well as allos. I do think that the lack of alloaces that are virgins is more telling about society and reflects the pressures of aces to have sex rather than a lack of a piece of diversity within the text. However I know what it’s like to feel unseen in texts meant to celebrate your diversity and now wish that we could’ve seen a more positive picture. I’m sorry that it hurt you. Also thank you so much for writing this review. I love seeing and understanding other perspectives because it helps us to see and rectify spaces where others feel unseen and develop a greater understanding of humanity. Anyway I shut up now, but thanks I found this really helpful and challenging to my own biases and beliefs.
Renee wrote: "Great review: I'm only halfway through the book at the moment, but I recognise many of the points you make. Really appreciate how nuanced you expressed you opinion, and thanks for the recommendatio..."I'm sorry I didn't see this comment until now, but thank you!
Blue wrote: "It’s funny how much of what you didn’t like about this book were the parts I loved (particularly all the contradictions). As an aroace girl (who wants a qpr) the idea of romance presented here line..."Thank you for your insight. I definitely see where you're coming from and I'm glad that you liked it more than I did.
Thank you! I'm trying to verbalise for myself that something was off for me about this book, and contradictions is a really good way of putting it.
Very good points! Your review is just as important as the 5-star ones. :) I agree that there was a lack of non-sexual romantic representation.
As a fellow sex-averse romantic ace, I also felt a bit alienated in the first part (where the author clearly seems to be sex-favorable and seems to miss us entirely), but I agree the points on intersectionality of aceness and race or disability were great to see examined. I agree, 'Invisible Orientation' might be a better first step for people learning about aceness, and yes, we need more acceptance of 'sex never' aces! <3
Incredible review - I felt almost exactly the same, especially about the chapter around romantic attraction. Something in it really landed off for me
To a few of your points -1) I felt similarly that she seemed to conflate intense platonic love with romantic attraction, which for me can be equally intense but not the same experience. This could be because it's not a distinction she experiences clearly and so perhaps is not the best person to write about. That's why we need more books about this stuff, rather than relying on one to do it all!
2) When she mentions a world where we don't need the asexuality label, she's alluding to one where we wouldn't need any of them nc we could all communicate our interests and needs. Obviously we aren't there and may never be, so having more terms to describe our experiences is an incredible tool, and she's not advocating against that.
3) I'm so sad you interpreted her implying that romantic relationships had to have sex! Romance can very much exist without sex involved (as the existence of aces who arent aro proves) and each couple/group must decide for themselves what intimacy looks like and if that involves sex or nonsexual physical touch. You may or may not find someone compatible with you, but there is no fate or doom for you and sex is not necessary.
I felt exactly the same !! I appreciate the book and it made me realize stuff about the way people (and even myself) experience their relationships and their feelings (and I always love to learn something new, I’m a really curious person), but I felt really alienated by the narrative about romance and sex so thank you for putting my thoughts into words from a fellow sex-repulsed very romantic ace <3
I felt the same way about this.
this review is so relatable, 100% what i felt during reading this book. same stuff upset me and made me cry at some point as an asexual girl who still doesn't know whether i feel romantic attraction or not but i definitely don't want to have sex, like ever.
