ŷ������

edit: glorifying toxic relationships to young readers will never be cool


So��.. you know what I did today?
I watched twilight...AGAIN.
I don’t know WHY, but I did.
And I hated it so much I decided to share it with the world.

I hate the characters names so much that I have given them new ones:

Edward: Mr Light Bulb. Because apparently vampires sparkle in the sun now instead of burning?
Bella: Little Miss Dumb: Because well apparently someone who wants you for your blood is attractive? Hmnh, I don’t think so.
Jacob: Fuzz balls: I don’t think I need to explain.

This review will have major spoilers for this and the rest of the review so you have been warned. Also there will be swearing.


Right, let's goooooooooo...

Love Triangle:
Everyone I have ever met is ALWAYS team Mr Light Bulb which I don't get because he is literally freezing and wants so suck your blood? I am team Jacob because well, HE IS WARM AND DOESN'T WANT TO KILL ME?!!!!
Hang on��. No I know what should have happened, Little Miss Dumb should have DIED. Then we wouldn't have to suffer through FOUR MORE twilight books.
People are fucked up. *takes a deep breath*

Little Miss Dumb::
Oh dear, I don’t even know where to start with this girl. No actually I take that back. WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRLS BRAIN?!? A MR LIGHT BULB IS LIKE ‘NA MISS DUMB SMELLS BAD�� AND THEN MISS DUMBS LIKE OHHHHH A SEXY GUY DOESN’T LIKE HOW I SMELL, I WOVEEEEE HIM. GURL PLEASE HAVE ONE BRAIN CELL. PLEASEEEEEE.

AND THEN THIS HAPPENS:

“About three things I was absolutely positive about. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.��

IF I FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS A VAMPIRE AND WANTED MY BLOOD I WOULD BE PACKING MY BAGS AND HEADING FOR THE HILLS. AND SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM SO FAST LIKE GURL WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!


“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb��" he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.
"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion.��

This is the only time Mr Light Bulb is right wow this is so PREDATORY. YES YOU ARE A SICK MASOCHISTIC LION LIGHT BULB.

AND THEN WE HAVE THE BASEBALL GAME, WHERE ANOTHER VAMPIRE LOVES THE SMELL OF HER BLOOD. HOW MANY PEOPLE LIKE HER? OH WAIT I FORGOT ‘SHE IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS��. SHE’S SPESHUL. HE BLOOD ATTRACTS SPARKLING VAMPIRES.

AND THEN BECAUSE OF SO CALLED ‘RELATIONSHIP WITH EDWARD SHE CUT ALL OF HERE FRIENDS AND HER DAD OUT OF HER LIFE ALL FOR A BOY WHO WANTS TO KILL HER?!!!!!??!?!?

AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE AGE GAP. THAT IS ILLEGAL PEOPLE. ILLEGAL. I REPEAT. ILLEGAL


And then not even halfway through the book we get��. “You are my life now.�� Like wow, just a bit quick don't ya think? Oh wait I forgot Miss Dumb has no BRAIN CELLS.

AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT SHE HAS AS MUCH PERSONALITY AND EMOTION AS THE DUST UNDER MY BED.

Mr Light Bulb:
I don’t think anyone realised that LIGHT BULB IS A STALKER. THAT IS BAD BEHAVIOUR WATCHING SOMEONE SLEEP. STALKERISH!!! Also how THE HELL did MISS DUMB still look attractive while she was still asleep?! Because if a boy *shudders* watching me sleep I would make them run away by my appearance.

Bella x Edward::

WHERE WAS THE CHEMISTRY?! IT WAS AS EXISTENT AS MISS DUMBS COMMON SENSE

This is the time to say that Miss Dumb and Light Bulbs relationship was extremely toxic, please don’t romanticize something that would affect someones mental health in real life, thank you!

Mr Fuzz balls::
This was the only character that I liked in the first 3 books because
He didn't want to kill Miss Dumb
He didn't want to suck Miss Dumbs blood
He was WARM and not as ‘cold as marble��
He is actually attractive unlike Light Bulb
He was nice
He wasn't controlling
HE DIDN’T SPY ON HER WHILE SHE SLEPT
He is nice
He was relatable
So overall he was WAY BETTER than Light Bulb��..
And THENNNNNN in the fourth book we find out the only reason he was attracted to Miss Dumb was because she had one egg inside of her that would produce his mate?! How FUCKED UP IS THAT??!
First Miss Dumb and Light Bulbs age gap and now Fuzz Balls and Miss Dumbs egg age gap?!?

Oh for FUCKS SAKE I AM DONE WITH THIS ILLEGAL SHIT. *takes another deep breath*

Cullen Fam:
Rosalie: Yea na, she was a stone-cold blond basic bitch
Jesper: He reminded me of the weird kid in class that everyone was scared of
Emmet: Meh
Alice: She was one character I actually liked, she was the older sister you always wanted.
Carlisle: I praise him for sticking to medicine and getting over blood to help people.
Esme: She was such a nice mother

Ok I'm done with the characters now my random rant:

SO THE BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN SHE CUT HER FINGER A LIL BIT AND IT WAS LIKE A LAMB IN A DEN WITH LIONS (if you get it you get it). WOWZIE NO.

THIS BOOK READS LIKE A WATTPAD BOOK A 12-YEAR-OLD WROTE

AND TO BE HONEST I WOULD RATHER GO TO THE GYM THAN READ THIS. AND I HATE TO EXERCISE!

So overall Light Bulb is a stalker, Miss Dumb has no brain cells and THIS WHOLE BOOK IS PROBLEMATIC!!

P.S. One of my best friends and I wrote this review and it will be a five-part series with all of the books!

Thank you for reading my rant
*bows*

My review of Twilight

my review of New Moon

my review of Eclipse

my review of Breaking Dawn