Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ

'Hello Tom.'

'Oh, hello Mrs. Harding. I'm sorry, my parents aren't at home...'

'Laura. I told you last time to please call me Laura. We worked out that I was only eight years older than you, remember?'

'I'm sorry... Laura. They've gone to...'

'Yes, of course. They've gone to the premiere of the play that I have been looking forward to all week, except that my bloody husband had to cancel and go to a terribly important meeting when the bloody taxi was already standing outside. Sometimes I wonder why I ever married him. I suppose it must be because he's so bloody rich and successful.'

'Oh, ah, I'm sorry...'

'Would you mind if I came in? It's freezing out here.'

'Ah, yes, please do...'

'Thanks. That's better. I'm sorry if I sounded brusque. I was horribly disappointed and decided I would have a little chat with my private bottle of Macallan 25. We're almost the same age you know, we feel very close. But after we'd exchanged a few confidences, I decided that I needed to talk to some real live person instead. So here I am. I hope that's OK?'

'Ah, yes...'

'It really is a lot warmer in here. May I take off my coat?'

'Um, of course...'

'Thank you.'

'....!'

'What? Oh, of course, the dress. No no, please stare. That is the whole point of this dress. I was looking forward to having several hundred men stare at me all evening, but that clearly won't happen now, so you will have to do all the staring for them. I hope you feel up to it?'

'Uh...'

'Oh dear, I'm teasing you again. I shouldn't do that. Let's talk about something else. When your parents so kindly invited us over to dinner last month, I remember we had a very interesting chat about cosmology. You lent me a book by Martin Rees which I positively devoured, I was quite unable to put it down. It was nice to meet someone who understood I have a brain, you'd be startled to know how seldom that happens.'

'Oh, I'm sure you're very intelligent...'

'Well, I wish everyone else was that sure. You'd imagine a first from Oxford would be enough to convince them, but apparently not. Anyway, aren't trophy wives supposed to be intelligent these days?'

'Er, I don't...'

'I must stop complaining, where are my manners? Let's get back to books. I'm certain you've acquired some interesting new books since we last met. Why don't you show them to me?'

'I don't think I've got any more cosmology...'

'Well, I bet you have something good anyway. This evening is starting to improve. I've had my little ³Ù±ð³Ù±ð-à-³Ù±ð³Ù±ð with Ms. Macallan, and now you and I are going to have a pleasant chat, and then you will lend me something thought-provoking and I will curl up cozily in bed and read it until I feel I can face the world again. How does that sound as a plan?'

'It's nice that you like books...'

'Without them, my life would be completely intolerable. I am not exaggerating. So where do you keep your stash?'

'Ah, they're in my bedroom...'

'Well, we had better go there then. Hm, it's tidier than mine was when I was your age. Good for you. You do have broad-ranging tastes, I approve of that. What did you think of La Peste?'

'I didn't really think it was that great...'

'Neither did I. Overrated and smug, I'm not surprised Sartre stopped speaking to him. Wait, I don't believe it. Sperm Wars. I didn't think anyone else had read it. Oh, you are clever, you've put it between The Selfish Gene and Erotic Short Stories. That's quite funny. Did you like it?'

'It's, er, interesting...'

'Just what I thought. I used to have a copy once, but my boyfriend borrowed it and never gave it back. Probably something to do with me leaving him to marry George. I thought it rather small-minded of him. I just have to look through this again. Oh yes, all the rather controversial stuff about rape. I had a huge argument with a friend about it. I said that the fact that female mink can only get pregnant if they are raped shows that the question of whether or not women may enjoy rape is a contingent truth. She called me a gender traitor. My guess is that she didn't know what "contingent" meant but wouldn't admit it. What do you think?'

'Um, I think you were using the word correctly. It's conceivable that there is an evolutionarily stable strategy in which most men don't want to commit rape and most women don't want to be raped, but a minority of both sexes feel differently. It's an empirical question whether that is true or not.'

'Thank you, exactly so. I told the stupid bitch that personally I would like to cut their balls off, but that that wasn't the point. How pleasant that you got it too. Oh, this is such an interesting book. Before I read it, I just had no idea that most sperm was designed for killing other competing sperm, it really gives you a new perspective. And all those terms he has for sexual strategies. "Topping up". I read that bit, and then the next time my boyfriend and I shagged I couldn't stop thinking that he was topping me up. It was a bit of a passion-killer to be honest. What did you think of all the stories?'

'Um, some of them were quite good...'

'Yes, well, he does go on a bit though doesn't he, the randy old goat? You can tell he's enjoying it. Pretending he's talking about evolutionary biology but actually just writing porn. Still, it made the book more fun. I think my main objection was that some of his arguments were so speculative. Like male masturbation for instance. He says it's all about keeping your sperm fresh, but come on, there are simpler explanations. Like, there are lots of teenage boys who don't have any chance of acquiring a girlfriend, and they'll be doing it all the time. Right?'

'...'

'Oops. What an absolutely awful faux pas. Why can't I ever learn to keep my big mouth shut? I am most dreadfully sorry. Well, now we have a medical emergency, but luckily I know everything about soothing damaged male egos, so if you'll just let me take care of this it will all be fine. Trust me.'

'Uh, I think, really you should...'

'No, you shouldn't think at all right now. It's worst possible thing you can do. I am going to carry out a standard procedure, it's not in any way risky, but I will need your informed consent. Is that alright?'

'What are you going to do?'

'First I am going to give you a large compliment, and then I will kiss you. Okay?'

'Ah, well, um, I suppose...'

'I'll take that as a yes, we have no time to lose. Tom, you are an unusually attractive young man. I haven't been able to take my eyes off you since I came in. Any woman would be proud to think she was your mistress. Now for part two. You needn't worry, it will be a surgical strike with negligible collateral damage. Please! How do you expect me to operate when you do that? Mwaaah! Hm, let me take a look. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure it worked. The procedure is far more effective if the kiss is, to use a technical term, lingering. Do you think we could try that? Thank you. Mmmmmmmwaaaaah. Much better! However, the perfectionist in me insists that if a job is worth doing, it's worth doing well, and I know we can do better than that. I could not live with the thought that your poor ego was even slightly damaged by my appalling clumsiness. So let's try one more time and really get it right. If you don't mind, I will arrange us in a maximally effective position. You need to put this hand here, and the other one there, and then lean... ah yes, that's perfect. OK, action stations. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Mmmmmmmmm-mmmmmm. Mmmmmm-ahhhh-mmm. Mmmmmmmmm. Mmm-ah! Let me look again. Thank goodness, I believe you are out of danger, but it was touch and go there for a moment.'

'Uh, Laura...'

'I know what you are going to say, and you are quite right. I'm only doing it for medical reasons, so it isn't really effective. If I were sincere, I would want to do it again. That's a good point, and I bow to your superior logic. Let's do it again. Only this time, why don't you put this hand here, or maybe even here, and the other one there? Good. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Mmmm! Ahhh. Mmmmmmmmm. Mmmmmmmm-mmmm-ahh-mmm. Oh yes, of course there is fine, I thought that was clear. Mmmmmmmmmm-ahhh. Ahhhhhhh. Oh! Mmm.'

'Laura, are you sure...'

'Well, it's true, I am rather concerned about this gown. It cost a simply bewildering amount, and I have so far only worn it for about an hour. It would be such a shame if anything happened to it. Here, let me take it off. Luckily that's very easy.'

'...!'

'Oh yes, and you'd be surprised how much I paid for the rest of it. Let's take that off too, and avoid accidents. Done.'

'I am obviously dreaming.'

'Mmmm? Well, I have had one thing lead to another before, but I admit it's never happened quite this quickly. Anyway, let's go with the flow. You are now of course hopelessly overdressed for our little party. We should do something about it. Good, that didn't take long. He-llo! I am delighted to make your acquaintance, sir. Should we shake hands, or would he prefer a more Continental style of greeting? Enchantée, Monsieur. Mmmmm. Now, as Princess Fiona says, where were we? Yes yes, just put them back where they were, except that now... yes exactly. Exactly. Though there would be even better. Oh yes, exactly, exactly, exactly right. Mmmmmmmmmm. Ah! Mmmm-ah!'

'Laura, you are so lovely.'

'You're rather lovely too, Tom. Just look at him! Such a fine, upstanding citizen. Well, passons aux choses sérieuses...'

'Ah, Laura, shouldn't I...'

'No, in fact you shouldn't. Just let me be all sérieuse myself for a second please. My bloody husband and I are, as they say, Trying, and looking at that book again suddenly made me feel that I didn't just want his bloody sperm inside me. I'd like some of yours too. Make it more of a competition. If you don't mind. I really hope I haven't ruined the moment.'

'Laura...'

'Oh, thank goodness, I see I haven't. Well, Professor Baker was so convincing about the way a simultaneous orgasm can improve chances of conception, and I am a realistic girl. I think our best shot is for you to lie down on that inviting-looking bed and let me run the show. Luckily I feel completely hair-trigger tonight. So, if you can just manage to do nothing in particular for a couple of minutes...'

'And do it very well?'

'If you can. How nice that you know Iolanthe! Right, so you lie down there, and I will... yes, I think like this will be best. Please keep thinking about the House of Lords and their constitutional responsibilities. How does it start?'

'When Britain really ruled the waves...'

'Oh yes, that's right.

When Britain really ruled the waves
In Good Queen Bess's time
The House of Peers made no pretence
To intellectual eminence
Or scholarship sublime

It has a rather nice rhythm, hasn't it? I never noticed that before. Are you hanging in there?'

'Uh, so far...'

'Well, I think one more verse will do it. Especially if I help matters along like this. You're not shocked I hope? Good. Let's go for it.

When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte
As every child can tell
The House of Peers, throughout the war
Did nothing in particular
And did it very well.

Just like you Tom. Very well. Very, very, very... very well. Oh yes!!'

'...!!!'

'...!!!!!'

'...!'

'...!'

'Dear Tom, that was some of the best nothing-in-particular I have experienced in quite a while. What an absolute star you were to manage to wait for me. Now let's have a lovely post-coital snuggle. I think we need your arm here, and it will be so much more comfortable if we just move that pillow a tiny amount... yes, like that I think. Now I definitely want this hand here. Perfect. Oh, this is absolutely heavenly. Mmmm. Are you still there?'

'Mmmm'

'Don't go to sleep yet. I foresee all sorts of complications if we oversleep. If I stretch just a little, I think I can reach your alarm... got it. OK, let's set it for 9.00. This is pm, right?'

'Mmm-mmm'

'Yes, let's sleep a little bit then. I love the way you pull me in close like that. Mmm'

'Mmm'

'Tom?'

'Mmm?'

'I know it's my imagination, but I can just feel those tough little wriggling guys of yours. They're pouring into that great huge gap my orgasm opened up in my cervical mucous and they are completely kicking the shit out of George's army. It's so romantic. Don't you think?'

'Mmm, yes, it is actually. Mmm'

'Mmm'

**

Laura was in fact correct. Tom's sperm, aided both by the advantageous position that his and Laura's simultaneous orgasm had created, and by the fact that they were younger and more motile, easily beat out her husband's sperm, and reached her waiting egg. It is not coincidental that Laura was on the most fertile day of her cycle; apparently random promiscuous behavior of the type she displayed is far more likely on that day and the two immediately preceding it.

Eight months and twenty four days later, Laura gave birth to a healthy baby girl, whom she insisted on christening Phyllis. Her husband, George, never suspected that the child might not be his. Six months after Phyllis was born, George was killed in a helicopter crash during a business trip to Russia. Sabotage was suspected but never proved. Laura inherited all of George's considerable estate.

A year after George's death, Laura, to general amazement, married Tom in a quiet registry-office ceremony. Shortly afterwards, Tom filed paperwork to officially adopt Phyllis. The couple later had two more children. They also co-authored a book, Existentialism and Evolution, which became a minor cult classic, despite being viciously attacked by several leading French academics. One of the most frequently repeated criticisms was that each chapter, often for no apparent reason, began with a quotation from Gilbert and Sullivan.