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CHAPTER XOXO

IN WHICH THE FAMOUS DON QUIXOTE AND HIS SQUIRE SANCHO PANZA TIME-TRAVEL AND DISCOVER THE INTERNET

Now as Don Quixote and Sancho Panza were on their way to Saragossa, they chanced upon a certain madman raving on the road, the said madman wearing a robe of tattered condition repeatedly bellowed shouts of “To kill an infidel is not murder; it is the path to heaven!�� Sancho, hearing the madman was not a little amused. But Don Quixote was quite perplexed. He said to Sancho, “By God, the saints take me if what this prophet is saying is not the gospel.�� which Sancho replied, “The Lord works in mysterious ways. This madman is providing mirth to weary travellers and rebuke to infidels.�� Don Quixote was struck by the irreverence of Sancho’s words and the sacrilegious usage of his proverb. He gave a smack to Sancho’s cheek and said “Thou drolleries are of ill will, thy proverbs are of Satan, may God forgive this sinful servant!�� For Don Quixote had fancied the madman to be a person of the cloth and beheld him a clergy spreading the Lord’s good work. Sancho was taken aback. “A thousand cudgelings I have taken but non hurt as much as that smack on my cheek. Thou knowest thy servant is not the most well-mannered squire in the world, but my drolleries and proverbs are what I consider my bread and butter as the proverb states tis better to eat bread than pretend to eat cake. And to think I have taken this smack all for a madman!�� Don Quixote was not but a little furious. “Confound thee you rascally clown! Thou stringeth proverbs as a noose around thy neck. I shall be thy hangman if thou wilt not shut thy mouth. For a squire to speak ill will against the Almighty’s messenger is to speak against the Almighty himself. And the squire’s punishment from heaven shall be multiplied tenfold and given to thy master likewise. Thou should learn to put a lid on thy pot as tis better to be safe than sorry.�� Sancho was enraged by this for he fancied to himself that if he had a taste for proverbs, then his master had an appetite for them. Now as the knight-errant and squire were arguing astride Rocinante and Dapple, the two had been arguing for quite some time that they didn’t notice that they had long passed the madman, they were stirred by a red light that blinded them both and were deafened by a loud noise that sounded much like a million cannons firing off at the same time. Sancho was scared out of his wits and immediately fell off of Dapple and hid behind a large boulder praying to the virgin and to all the saints, rosary in hand. Don Quixote however, being the valiant knight-errant, was delighted by such a spectacle and filled his head with thoughts of an adventure of grand proportions. When the smoke cleared, they chanced upon one of the rarest sights of this adventure. The author Cide Hamete likens the sight to that of the Archangel Gibreel’s fiery chariot, proclaiming not for another thousand years shall a spectacle be ever seen again. For what greeted Don Quixote and cowardly Sancho was a metal contraption that had four wheels, much like a cart, but no mule or oxen in front. Inside a hollow space covered in front by glass was a man in a queer-fashioned attire. The queer man came out of the contraption, approached Don Quixote and said “What year is it?�� Don Quixote struck by the lack of respect of the queer man replied “Give me your name cart-master, and I shall give you mine.�� The queer man replied “The name’s Marty McFly, how are ya doin sir?�� “I am the Knight of Lions formerly the Knight of the Rueful Countenance, no other than the renowned Don Quixote of La Mancha, I am riding my horse and should like to inquire as to the nature of that marvelous contraption.�� Said Don Quixote delighted that he had been recognized a knight due to the “sir�� addressed to him. “Oh, that? That’s a car but it’s also a time-machine, used to get back to the future and whatnot…�� But before the queer man could finish his speech, he was cudgeled in the back of his head by Sancho Panza. “Ahhh the devil, go back to the hell were thou hast come from!!�� Don Quixote was surprised by everything that happened that he was immobile and stared at the prostate man for quite some time. After he recovered his senses he declared “By God, Sancho! I think you’ve killed him. He was no devil, you dimwit! Granted, he was no Christian either by his attire, so I should think it not a sin to kill him. But I would have fancied learning more about him and his contraption.�� “Aye, said Sancho, as the messenger speechified ‘to kill an infidel is not murder, tis the path to heaven.�� I should fancy that heaven has rejoiced for my actions, and it bears me great relief that that if I fail to become a governor or a bishop in this life, I could become a saint in the everlasting realm for killing a devil or infidel or beast-child.�� “Thou hast spoken truly, Sancho�� said Don Quixote. But he was so charmed by the weird contraption that he unmounted Rocinante and went inside it. Sancho was moved by fear for his master and entered the contraption with him in order to plead that they burn it and ask forgiveness from the virgin for being so un-catholic. Don Quixote however would do no such thing and was delighted by the panels and colorful buttons on the dashboard. Being a knight-errant has its perks and one of them being fearless curiosity; he pressed the buttons and hit the gas. Before Sancho could say ten hail-marys, they were speeding on the road and the contraption making all sorts of sounds. “Look at it go, Sancho! Tis faster than Rocinante and Dapple combined!�� said Don Quixote full of mirth. Then everything seemed to fade and they were blinded and deafened and out of sync. In a moment, they recovered from being disoriented and were given such a surprise as to what they saw. In front of them was glorious medieval battle being fought. Don Quixote’s heart was stirred and he came out of the car and joined the fighting whacking and delivering cudgels to all who came upon his path. He was heard uttering cries of “For the lady Dulcinea del Toboso the peerless!�� Sancho, though, was paralyzed by the sight and remained praying hail-marys inside the car. Meanwhile, Don Quixote encountered a valiant opponent. A great man with long hair and blue paint on his face, the man was attired in a weird skirt and shouting “For Scotland! For Scotland!�� He slashed everyone who opposed him and they fell. Before long, as great men tend to be drawn and aware of greatness, the two opponents squared together. The Scotland man gave a slash with his broadsword and Don Quixote parried, he gave a slash of his own and cut a shallow wound on the man’s elbow. The man shouted “What the fuck man, are you trying to kill me?!!�� “Isn’t that the whole idea of war, villain!�� replied Don Quixote. He gave another blow and hit the man in the head and the man fell. Everybody stopped moving. One of the soldiers bent down, checked then said “Dude, you just killed Mel Gibson.�� Don Quixote was elated. He didn’t know who the person was. But if everybody stopped fighting then he must have been a knight of great reputation. He shouted, “Let it be known that this day the great Don Quixote of La Mancha, Knight of Lions formerly Knight of the Rueful Countenance, conquered Sir Mel Gibson of Scotland. I command you all to pay your respects to the Lady Dulcinea del Toboso and recount to her this great story of valor and conquest under the oath of knight-errantry. You are all compelled to do this under the pain of evoking heaven’s wrath. That is all.�� But instead of admiration, which he was expecting. The faces of the men were filled with anger and they gave him smacks and cudgels and his state was such a sorry one that he would have gone to his Maker, had not Sancho intervened, hauled him into the car and started the contraption to escape the angry mob. It was just then, when they were speeding away that Sancho noticed the weird boxes with lenses that surrounded the scene and the chairs and tables filled with victuals that were spread out. He cursed himself for missing out on the victuals and uttered a cry of despair for forgetting his trusty Dapple when he read a big sign saying “The Set of Brave Heart 1998�� He gave a shake of his head for he didn’t know what it meant and pressed the red button. Then it happened again. Everything seemed to fade and they were blinded and deafened and out of sync, then they crashed. Don Quixote and Sancho found themselves in a weird room. It was quite dark, they considered it might be night-time. When they could see more clearly, they were astounded by the things around them. Sancho exclaimed, “Tis might be hell we have stumbled upon, my master. Ohhh, that my wife and children are left bereaved and wanting. God bless them, God forgive me.�� “Shut thy trap, Sancho!��, remarked Don Quixote “tis not hell yet, see the person in the corner scared such that his mother might have considered him a braying pig. There are no cowardly clowns in hell, which is a place filled with demons, left-handed sinners, and moors.�� “Thou art quite right my master.�� Sancho now being quite reassured, ventured towards the beautiful man fairly scared in the corner. “What are thou called, stranger?�� The man replied, “Dude, why did you crash your car into my room? This is fucking weird, my room’s on the second floor.�� Don Quixote took over and said, “Speak up my good man, for if thy handsome countenance is any indication of thy person, I should assume thee to be intelligent and fair. Do not fret, for I shall ask Sancho here to make reparations for the unwanted destruction of property we have caused you. What art thou called?�� The beautiful man responded, “You can call me JR.. JR Bacdayan�� “Well, Sir JR Bacdayan of the handsome countenance, what is that gleaming contraption there on your right side?�� Don Quixote was pointing at a laptop and was staring at it quite fondly. It was showing a video of a cat playing the piano. Don Quixote and Sancho were both intrigued and delighted. “My good man, is this the container of your talented cat? I have never seen a species of the feline family with such gifted acumen for music.�� JR was laughing now, “Oh, that’s just the internet; it’s filled with information and stuff.�� JR felt downright ecstatic, having caught a scent as to the two men’s identities. He thought to himself that he must be in a dream or something better. He asked them, “Want to see something neat?�� By which Sancho replied, “I like clean things, my good man. Let us see if thou can clean better than I, for it is said that cleanliness is next to godliness.�� Don Quixote gave a nod of agreement and JR was not but a little amused. So JR went to the laptop and clicked another browser tab. It displayed an awesome website and there was an unfinished writing in a language neither Don Quixote nor Sancho Panza could understand. Don Quixote inquired, “My friend, can thou relate to us what this texts mean?�� JR grinned and said it was a book review of a novel he just read. He cleared his throat and read aloud, “Don Quixote is essentially a satirical novel about knight-errantry but it also encompasses the medieval life and remains a relevant totem of nobility and gracefulness in our times. It’s a lasting testament left by our forefathers on how to properly conduct ourselves in this mad world we live in.�� Both Don Quixote and Sancho exchanged astounded looks. They were confused. But suddenly, a smile crept upon their lips, and slowly, steadily, the three of them started laughing. Their loud laughter was heard throughout the night.