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Mark Porton's Reviews > In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss
In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss
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This is about Amy Bloom and her husband Brian’s journey after he makes the decision to end his life by assisted suicide following a diagnosis of early on-set dementia.
As a Stage 4 cancer patient myself, in remission for a couple of years now, the idea of being in control of one’s final moments has some appeal. This pesky cancer of mine is incurable and will probably snaffle me up one day. The idea and ability of having the choice of when and where to die, and with whom � is important to me and many others experiencing similar circumstances.
It seems legislation lags the will of the majority on this issue. Brian and Amy therefore cannot follow this course of action in the US and decide to use the services of a company in Zurich, Switzerland, called Dignitas.
This is a heavy, emotional journey. The reader is likely to love Amy and Brian � I did. Not a perfect couple by any means � who is? But totally in love. We follow the onerous application process, Brian’s condition, their story, their lives, and the end. It’s not all sad. It’s even amusing at times � as these things often are. Some of the funniest moments I’ve experienced have happened chatting over a jigsaw puzzle in an oncology waiting room, or dressed in a gown sitting next to some other old codger exchanging unfortunate tales waiting for our blast of radiation.
Having said that � when the event finally occurs and Brian takes the anti-emetic, followed by the sodium pentobarbitol, and the colour and life drain from his body while holding his wife’s hand. A fist punched me and pulled my heart, lungs, and innards out of my body, and even though I knew it was coming, it hit me like a truck.
Brian was so brave. Amy is so brave.
5 Stars
As a Stage 4 cancer patient myself, in remission for a couple of years now, the idea of being in control of one’s final moments has some appeal. This pesky cancer of mine is incurable and will probably snaffle me up one day. The idea and ability of having the choice of when and where to die, and with whom � is important to me and many others experiencing similar circumstances.
It seems legislation lags the will of the majority on this issue. Brian and Amy therefore cannot follow this course of action in the US and decide to use the services of a company in Zurich, Switzerland, called Dignitas.
This is a heavy, emotional journey. The reader is likely to love Amy and Brian � I did. Not a perfect couple by any means � who is? But totally in love. We follow the onerous application process, Brian’s condition, their story, their lives, and the end. It’s not all sad. It’s even amusing at times � as these things often are. Some of the funniest moments I’ve experienced have happened chatting over a jigsaw puzzle in an oncology waiting room, or dressed in a gown sitting next to some other old codger exchanging unfortunate tales waiting for our blast of radiation.
Having said that � when the event finally occurs and Brian takes the anti-emetic, followed by the sodium pentobarbitol, and the colour and life drain from his body while holding his wife’s hand. A fist punched me and pulled my heart, lungs, and innards out of my body, and even though I knew it was coming, it hit me like a truck.
Brian was so brave. Amy is so brave.
5 Stars
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Reading Progress
August 15, 2023
–
Started Reading
August 15, 2023
– Shelved
August 15, 2023
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0.42%
"This one could be a rough ride, but I'm expecting it to be more than that. Hopefully."
page
1
August 17, 2023
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75.0%
"No matter how we dress this up with various bits of humour - this is all so terribly, terribly sad."
page
180
August 19, 2023
– Shelved as:
non-fiction
August 19, 2023
– Shelved as:
educational
August 19, 2023
– Shelved as:
5-stars
August 19, 2023
–
Finished Reading
Comments Showing 1-50 of 62 (62 new)
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Nat
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Aug 16, 2023 02:04PM
This looks like a very difficult book to read Marko.
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Nat wrote: "This looks like a very difficult book to read Marko."Well, it's an interesting one Nattington. There is some humour and it has two timelines - the one when Brian's dementia was developing and the other when they visit Dignitas in Switzerland. I am really enjoying it - it's not grim - and certainly something to think about if things ever go pear-shaped!! 🤨🌞
Mark wrote: "Nat wrote: "This looks like a very difficult book to read Marko."Well, it's an interesting one Nattington. There is some humour and it has two timelines - the one when Brian's dementia was develo..."
I guess you'd need a a sense of humour to deal with this deck of cards. I actually saw this book in Kinokuniya on one of my lunchbreaks.
Looking forward to your review Marko.
Nat wrote: "Mark wrote: "Nat wrote: "This looks like a very difficult book to read Marko."Well, it's an interesting one Nattington. There is some humour and it has two timelines - the one when Brian's dement..."
Yeah I snaffled this from my library Nattington!
Jennifer wrote: "Cool choice!"You bet Jennifer - lots of issues here that resonate. I reckon we (most countries) are so, so far behind on the issue of how we choose to die in certain circumstances.
Well, I’ve been meaning to read Amy Bloom, and I’m really looking forward to your review�
This one sounds really thought-provoking for all of us, Mark. In Canada we have had medical assistance in dying available for several years now. There are a number of complex issues around it, but I know/have known people for whom it has been a meaningful and important choice, whether for themselves or someone they love.
I was the one of my three sisters to take my mom to her daily chemo and radiation treatments for lung cancer. It gave her an extra 5 years with us. She died Nov 27, 2022.
PS: That’s the reason for my immersion into the �70’s this one year…the happiest most wonderful time of my life living and growing up on Cow Bayou with both my parents. The house is now sold and will be torn down. The past will be the past and gone forever.
I must say that the idea of dying with dignity has a ton of appeal to me. This sounds like a difficult but very important topic. "Brian was so brave. Amy is so brave." And you are brave, my friend �
Excellent review :)
Heartfelt review. Excellent. Sorry to hear of your struggles with cancer.
The tears flowed as I read this review Mark. I wasn't sure if I was crying for Brian or Amy or the beauty of your words. Your review was beautiful and heart-felt. And definitely shares something that this world needs to do something about - allow us choice. But mostly I appreciated that you integrated your own story into this review, and for this I am truly grateful, as well. Thank you Mark for letting me know more about the person you are, and what your life is about today. May you be surrounded by healing light and energy all your days. You too, are brave.
I agree Mark, it is inhuman that people cannot choose their end, enabling loved ones to be around them. Not everyone can afford to go to Dignitas, for example. Having just lost someone to that vindictive disease, I will give myself a bit of time before investigating this book. Thank you for sharing 🙏
Well, I now have tears streaming down my face. After all my years of nursing, I totally know this should be available. We do have a program in Canada- it is quite a process, of course. What I don’t know is the percentage that get the Ok. I think you were brave to read this book, Mark. Brilliant review:)
Gorgeous, heartfelt review, Mark. It doesn’t seem to help even when you know it’s coming, does it. My dad used to talk to me about the difficulty we have in the US letting go of loved ones. At what point is it just cruel to keep someone alive? Then again, all those precious moments even after diminishment are worthwhile. Tough stuff, thanks for sharing. ❤️
Oh my goodness Marko. Your last paragraph 💔 I saw a documentary about this very topic many moons ago and it was devastating. It changed my way of thinking.A beautiful and thoughtful review.
Missy wrote: "I was the one of my three sisters to take my mom to her daily chemo and radiation treatments for lung cancer. It gave her an extra 5 years with us. She died Nov 27, 2022."Oh dear - that's recent Missy - so no doubt you're still very much grieving. Losing parent/s is so, so hard. Hopefully, the increased time you spent with your mum during her treatment ended up being a bit special. I remember when dad was sick, we spent a lot of time waiting around for this and that to happen - I still remember those times, often fondly. Take care 🤗🎈
Missy wrote: "PS: That’s the reason for my immersion into the �70’s this one year…the happiest most wonderful time of my life living and growing up on Cow Bayou with both my parents. The house is now sold and wi..."Indeed Missy - whenever I hear the music of the 70s and 80s, it takes me back to living with Mum and Dad, and my younger brother - and all the family gatherings. Often I find it a bit much when listening to 70s & 80s playlists on Spotify and need to listen to something more recent. We are so lucky to have great memories hey? :))
Candi wrote: "I must say that the idea of dying with dignity has a ton of appeal to me. This sounds like a difficult but very important topic. "Brian was so brave. Amy is so brave." And you are brave, my frien..."
Always too kind Candi - thank you 🤗🎈
Karen wrote: "The tears flowed as I read this review Mark. I wasn't sure if I was crying for Brian or Amy or the beauty of your words. Your review was beautiful and heart-felt. And definitely shares something th..."Oh dear, you almost had me in tears reading your heartfelt comment Karen! This is such an important story - you're right, people do deserve a choice. I can't remember where I read this, but given the choice (e.g. a vial of covert vial of sodium pentobarbitol in a cupboard drawer - many or most still decide to die in a hospice under medical care. But at least they have the choice. Thanks for your super kind comments again Karen 🤗🎈
Chrissie wrote: "I agree Mark, it is inhuman that people cannot choose their end, enabling loved ones to be around them. Not everyone can afford to go to Dignitas, for example. Having just lost someone to that vind..."Too true Chrissie - I think it was quite expensive, and Amy and Brian received some financial help from one of Amy's sister's I think. Also, the thought of hunting the dark web to get hold of illicit substances to achieve a desired outcome - is undignified in the extreme. It is good to see many countries moving towards more sensible laws in this area. But it's far to slow and often far too limited. Thanks for commenting and take care with your grieving 🤗🎈
Antoinette wrote: "Well, I now have tears streaming down my face. After all my years of nursing, I totally know this should be available. We do have a program in Canada- it is quite a process, of course. What I don’t..."I bet you know it Antoinette - after all the first hand experience you've had. At least working in laboratories I was always one step away from the patient and we didn't have to experience some of the things doctors and nurses do. It's good to hear there is a process in Canada. You made me choke up a bit reading your comment too - thanks again for checking in and your lovely comments my friend 🤗🎈
Jennifer wrote: "Gorgeous, heartfelt review, Mark. It doesn’t seem to help even when you know it’s coming, does it. My dad used to talk to me about the difficulty we have in the US letting go of loved ones. At what..."Thanks again for checking in Jennifer. It's a tough issue isn't it - death? As you well know, I'm not sure what is better - a drawn out death where one can say goodbye, or a quick unexpected death? It's also different of course for the person dying, as compared to the needs of loved ones. For me - I'd like 'quick and painless', to be honest - pain is something I dont like, having had some terrible pain in the last few years - I dont want that again to be sure.
But sadly, there is no 'perfect way' hey? One thing I do know, Mum died of Alzheimer's and was in a nursing home (a good one - thankfully) for around 3 years. Her last 12 months, and the last months and weeks were just horrible though. I wouldn't wish that ending on anyone. Mum (the younger mum) would have been appalled, and I am sure Dad was looking down trying to tell me to do something. Of course the morphine dose was increased at the end, but there was much suffering and many undignified moments well before that. I can really understand Brian's (in this book) decision to 'die on his feet rather than on his knees' after his diagnosis of early onset dementia (in his early 60s). But Amy's story was truly heartbreaking - to me, it often seems so, so much harder for the loved ones/carers. Thanks Jennifer and take care 🤗🎈
Nat wrote: "Oh my goodness Marko. Your last paragraph 💔 I saw a documentary about this very topic many moons ago and it was devastating. It changed my way of thinking.A beautiful and thoughtful review."
Yes, there are some good documentaries on this topic around the place Nattington - I always find them worthwhile to watch. Any information whether by reading or watching or listening (fellow patient stories are the best) is always useful I think. But I can understand many find it confronting. Thanks so much for your kind words - and I'm sorry to make you a bit sad 🤗🎈
Mark, what a beautiful and heartbreaking review. Having just lost a dear friend from early-onset Alzheimer’s and being part of their suffering over the years, there is a message here. And once again, you are my hero. 🤗
Such a wonderful review of a book that made me feel such emotion.
Your review made tears come to my eyes. Just beautiful.
Lorna wrote: "Mark, what a beautiful and heartbreaking review. Having just lost a dear friend from early-onset Alzheimer’s and being part of their suffering over the years, there is a message here. And once agai..."Awwww Lorna, always too kind and warm - thanks again my friend. Alzheimer's and the other forms of dementia are such cruel diseases, for both sufferer's and loved ones. I think the brave thing about Brian here was - he was (or appeared to me, to be) in the earlier stages of the disease. He and Amy could still go out for a meal, or communicate and do some things together. I thought he was particularly bold and courageous to make this decision and act that early. Amy's support and strength was incredible too. Thanks so much Lorna 🤗🎈
Marialyce wrote: "Such a wonderful review of a book that made me feel such emotion."I've just checked out your review and thought it was a wonderful write up as well Marialyce - thanks so much for dropping by 🤗🎈
Jill wrote: "Your review made tears come to my eyes. Just beautiful."Awww Jill, sorry to make you tear up - I am sure you'd find this book moving if you were ever inclined or able to read it. Thanks you so, so much for your lovely comments 🤗🎈
Wonderful review Mark
Margaret M - wrote: "Wonderful review Mark"Thanks so much Margaret :))
What a beautiful review. I can appreciate getting sucker punched in the end, despite one knowing it is coming. That is how When Breath Becomes Air feels as well.Looking forward to reading this.
Sara wrote: "What a beautiful review. I can appreciate getting sucker punched in the end, despite one knowing it is coming. That is how When Breath Becomes Air feels as well.Looking forward to reading this."
Thanks very much Sara - I dont know "When Breath Becomes Air" - I'll have to check it out :))
It is another gorgeous memoir of death and dying. Different perspective, but worth a read.
Sara wrote: "It is another gorgeous memoir of death and dying. Different perspective, but worth a read."It was already on my TBR Sara, one of those I had forgotten about - now it's front of mind - thank you!
I don't know if anyone can really prepare for death. REally be able to get into their head. So hard to be strong and supportive. A punch to the gut is the exactly how it would feel when it happens. Great review for such a tough emotional subject. I do plan on reading this too, Mark. I'm sure it will be a heavy one.Great review
Oh, that oncology waiting room... Always devastated to find it in your reviews, or comments, Mark. But also inspired and thankful.A heartfelt, moving review, thank you for sharing so much of yourself here.
Mark, you have written a beautiful review, and I especially appreciate your closing line.This brings to mind our conversation about end of life and what is a good death. We as a society have so much to do in this area. In my area of the U.S. end of life can be handled through hospice who with a wink give a patient's family control of morphine dispension. And wouldn't it be wonderful if the patient had the control and didn't have to be this far gone?
And as you say, then there's the loved one(s) who are left behind. Such a challenge. Definitely a topic for love and compassion.
Lovely review Mark and I wish you all the best for the future!!
Jen CAN wrote: "I don't know if anyone can really prepare for death. REally be able to get into their head. So hard to be strong and supportive. A punch to the gut is the exactly how it would feel when it happens...."Thanks very much Jen, great to see you've added this one - I reckon it's important reading. Yes, there are some heavy bits - bit it also has some great stories about love, family and friends and also the odd funny bit. You're right about the difficulty of 'preparing for death' - how does one prepare for such a big, one-off event? I think this is an amazing subject - one all/most of us need to think about at some stage. Thanks again :))
Violeta wrote: "Oh, that oncology waiting room... Always devastated to find it in your reviews, or comments, Mark. But also inspired and thankful.A heartfelt, moving review, thank you for sharing so much of yours..."
Thanks so much for checking in Violeta! Yes, the waiting room stories (among others) are some of my more treasured memories of that turbulent time. I find thinking about those times, outweighs the 'other stuff'. Thanks again :))
Gallows humour is sometimes the best medicine, Mark.And your personal reaction to Brian and Amy's covenant for him to be allowed to die with dignity was very moving.
Keep doing what you're doing, my friend!
Lisa wrote: "Mark, you have written a beautiful review, and I especially appreciate your closing line.This brings to mind our conversation about end of life and what is a good death. We as a society have so m..."
A topic for love and compassion indeed Lisa. Yes, this does bring to mind our discussion not long back about "what is a good death?". I think I answered that question, then, as a death without pain. But these topics are forever interesting and do need talking about, and perhaps more importantly - Governments/lawmakers need to create laws with compassion in mind. Thanks again for your kind comments :))
Teresa wrote: "Lovely review Mark and I wish you all the best for the future!!"Thanks heaps Teresa, and I really appreciate you checking in!
Kevin wrote: "Gallows humour is sometimes the best medicine, Mark.And your personal reaction to Brian and Amy's covenant for him to be allowed to die with dignity was very moving.
Keep doing what you're doing,..."
Isn't that right Kevin? I think those of us who have worked, or still work in health - are used of 'gallows humour' - maybe it helps us get through? But also, I can understand why it doesn't work for some. This was such a moving story mate and well worth reading for anyone I think, as it really covers far more than the issue of euthanasia. Thanks again Kevin :))
Just quietly, shame about England in the World Cup Final mate :((
You are so brave too to be part of Amy and her husband’s journey and share it with us. Thank you. May you continue to maintain good health, read, laugh and live without fear. I wish that compassion can become increasingly a motivation and valid concern in the practice of medicine.
