ŷ������

“It is very odd to live in a world where if you died, it would shock people but surprise no one.��

It’s dangerously easy to assume a degree of familiarity with the actor through knowing his adored character on the iconic TV show; to think that through seeing the face on the screen you have acquired some knowledge of the person behind it.

But Matthew Perry is not Chandler Bing; sarcasm they do share, but Perry, unlike Chandler who got his happy ending, was stuck in the loop of hurt and endless struggle with his titular “big terrible thing�� of losing control of his life to addiction. And so I, a huge Friends fan, did not pay much attention to this book until Perry’s untimely death put it on my radar and made me wonder about what he had to say �� the real Matthew and not imaginary Chandler.

“I think you actually have to have all of your dreams come true to realize they are the wrong dreams.��
—�Ĕ���
“Addiction is like the Joker. It just wants to see the whole world burn.��

What I got from this book is not just a candid inside look at addiction but a curious combination of sarcastic self-deprecation and fragile yet considerable ego. Perry, like probably many of us, had his share of resentments and bitterness and insecurity, and all that ego, and even though this book might not make you actually *like* him, his perspective on the burden of addiction is very interesting.

“But addiction wakes up before you do, and it wants you alone. Alcoholism will win every time. As soon as you raise your hand and say, “I’m having a problem,�� alcohol sneers, You’re gonna say something about it? Fine, I’ll go away for a while. But I’ll be back. It never goes away for good.��

Perry uses a lot of bitter, dark humor to describe his struggles and successes alike. He’s got a cruel monkey on his back, the almost lifelong struggle with addiction, and he knows what it has cost him, literally and metaphorically. He can be bitter and angry and resentful, and he’s got a bit of a cruel streak when talking about others, but he can be just as ruthlessly brutal in judging himself as he is in judging others.

“You can’t give away something you do not have. And most of the time I have these nagging thoughts: I’m not enough, I don’t matter, I am too needy. These thoughts make me uncomfortable. I need love, but I don’t trust it. If I drop my game, my Chandler, and show you who I really am, you might notice me, but worse, you might notice me and leave me. And I can’t have that. I won’t survive that. Not anymore. It will turn me into a speck of dust and annihilate me.��

And he’s full of inner contradictions, both being merciless about his own mistakes and yet at times also being almost comically full of himself. And he is not actually excusing his often appalling behavior while looking for some explanations (which he finds plenty, the “unaccompanied minor�� he is, but he stops short of shifting the blame). He's showing us the raw ugly of how bad things got for him, the painful and pathetic intertwined, and that takes some courage indeed.

“I remember thinking, Man, no one taught me the rules of life. I was a complete mess of a person—selfish and narcissistic. Everything had to be about me, and I matched that with a really handy inferiority complex, an almost fatal combo. I was all about myself from the time I was ten years old, from that moment when I looked around and said, It’s every man for himself. I had to be so focused on me just to keep myself together.
But AA will teach you this is no way to live.��

Now, with Perry dead at 54, not that long after this book came out, the optimistic end of this story acquires poignancy that otherwise would have been overshadowed by a bit of cheesiness. “And whenever whatever happens, just think, "What would Batman do?" and do that��, he says in conclusion �� and normally I’d laugh in a bit of second-hand embarrassment but now it brings out a lump in my throat despite all that self-proclaimed cynicism.

“I don’t believe in half-assing things anymore. The path of least resistance is boring, and scars are interesting—they tell an honest story, and they are proof that a battle was fought, and in my case, hard-won.
I have many scars now.��

Rest in peace, Matthew Perry. I hope you found your peace and calm in the end. You’ll be missed.

—�Ĕ�Ĕ—�Ĕ���

Also posted on .