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It was morning. It was possible to tell this because the sun was in the sky and it was no longer dark out. Chestnut maned, voluptuous reference librarian Sara Fiore gradually felt herself awaken from a sleep which had lasted approximately seven hours. She turned on her side and allowed her brown eyes, one of which was slightly droopier than the other to linger lazily on the still sleeping form of her lithe and marvelously sexy husband Dan (who might be just a tad annoyed at being included in this review but I won't tell if you won't).

Oh how they had laughed delightedly the night before when she let her mind drift back in time to the days of her winsome youth when she had trained briefly as an actress and used all her old skills (thank heaven for those improv classes!) to perform for him the very best parts of Dan Brown's latest bestseller.

How the relief had coursed through her like fine mulled wine, that she no longer drank being a recovering alcoholic of some years (who could forget that misspent night in Greece!), when she first learned that the best selling, barely literate, blithering moron was not in fact going to butcher her beloved William Shakespeare into easily digested but utterly tasteless morsels of pop culture twee as the self described "author" himself had implied when first teasing his new book. Such was her relief upon discovering that he would instead be dumbing down Darwin's theory of evolution to a degree where her rambunctious, beloved, but insanely stupid rescue dog, who was the result of a very questionable union between a beagle and a German Shepard, could understand it, that she actually awarded him a single star on ŷ������!

And so the night had passed as she laughingly regaled her insanely attractive, yet ever so slightly mysterious in an amusingly innocent way husband with yet another mind numbingly dull exercise in how not to write a novel. They chortled with glee over the nonsensically scattered italics, two page chapters, and claustrophobia still being bumbling dimwit Robert Langdon's sole defining characteristic. They marveled at imbecilic Brown's ham handed attempts at yet another story pitting Monty Pythonesque religious zealots against devil may care, cheeky scientific geniuses who in no way whatsoever bear any kind of even passing resemblance to either Elon Musk or Richard Branson. But even they were left scratching their slightly graying heads uncomprehendingly over the author's asinine belief that a mentally impaired eggplant wouldn't be able to figure out that by titling his book "Origin" and constantly referring to "something that would change creation stories all around the world forever" the BIG REVEAL might possibly have something to do with our ORIGINS as a species.

Okay I can't do this anymore. Maybe I should give this collection of papers inside two pieces of super stiff cardboard (I refuse to call it a novel or a book) another star because dear god does it take effort to write that badly.

Religion is bad and if you're religious you're stupid. Science is good and it turns out virtual reality is the key to figuring out how we emerged from the primordial ooze even though using virtual reality to figure that out is kinda sorta the exact polar opposite of using actual science instead of you know a computer program that you can design to tell you whatever you want. But before the whole world can learn this amazing news there's a murder and some people are chasing Robert Langdon and another in a long line of much smarter than him women while they look for...I think it's a flash drive...or maybe a password...I honestly can't be arsed to remember. Then some more stuff happens and THE WORLD WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. Except it will because after every single one of the earth shattering, universe shifting events in each of these books everything resets as though Jesus's kids weren't found, a plague rendering everyone infertile wasn't released, and whatever the hell happened in The Lost Symbol didn't happen.

Oh and before I forget...

SYMBOLOGY IS STILL NOT A THING DAN BROWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*It occurs to me that I really should share the inspiration for this review, a wonderful, wonderful and far funnier review/commentary on the "author" written in 2013 by Michael Deacon*