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“I love you. I love you. I send this message through my fingers and into his, up his arm and into his heart. Hear me. I love you. And I'm sorry to leave you.��

Rated: 4.5

first read in August 11th 2009 (rated four stars)

wow. such a long time ago.

How did I not see the gorgeousness that is this book the first time around?
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“I want to die in my own way. It's my illness, my death, my choice. This is what saying yes means.��

“when I was four I almost fell down the shaft of a tin mine and when I was five the car rolled over on the motorway and when I was seven we went on holiday and the gas ring blew out in the caravan and nobody noticed

I've been dying all my life��

Rereading this was such a different experience. Despite the fact that I spent a lot of the first few pages cringing (lets just say the first time she had sex wasn't exactly romantic.) But this is why I love the nitty grittiness that is this book. There are many cringe- worthy and hugely awkward moments. Bits that will make you laugh at the most inappropriate of times. The characters cuss, sex is very much a topic, as is pregnancy, drugs and parents who pretty much aren't much of parents and those that definitely are. These topics are very much set on the table for the reader to explore. And it's one of my favourte parts of the book. Because she doesn't tone things down for you. Because guess what? When they have sex, they're not just holding hands and kissing and then BAM - right on to the next scene. Guys, they actually have SEX. And you will see the moments leading up to it and after it. And yes, you will cringe and it is awkward, but at other times it is right and kind of beautiful.
It is real. It makes me feel like I am actually reading about teenagers, about real life, and it's the realness of this book - this tone is sets - that I just LOVE.

I feel like when I first read it, all those years ago, I didn't really get the book. Or more specifically, I just didn't want to. But reading it now I realise what a unflinching, raw, poignant and honest story this is of a girl who is too young to die. Who although doesn't cry at the unfairness of it all like you would think someone in her position would, instead, focuses on the now. On the list that she is absolutely determined to finish before she dies that includes: having sex, saying yes to everything for one day, to having tea and many other other things. She is a tough girl to like at times. Although she is angry sometimes - at the world really - she has the tendency to take it out on the person who most -definitely (in my opinion) loves her most. Her father. He is marvelous. Every single day he brings a tray to bed with her pills, he is there for every blood transfusion and procedure. And when she needs to vent, he stands there and takes blow after blow. Because he knows that she needs to. He has quit his job, stayed strong and supported his two children when the woman he loved left him and their children to 'explore the world'.

Tessa has this very iffy personality. She tends to ramble a lot, but it never grated on me, in fact, I found it quite endearing. And she does this thing where she purposely likes to make people feel uncomfortable - probably because she's bitter. She plays up (like the time she pretended she couldn't move her arms due to her illness) just because she can. She's mean to her dad, annoying mean. She does inconsiderate things like burning, photos, diary entries and clothes - things that her family would most likely want unharmed to remember her by. She never takes these things into account though.

She shares strange - at time unhealthy relationship with her best mate, Zoey - who is equally as iffy as her. The two spend most of the novel taking the piss out of each other, making snide remarks and being bitchy. A lot of the time I didn't get why they were mates. They didn't even seem to like each other all that much. Tessa's ramblings got on Zoey's nerves, and Zoeys tendency to put others first upset Tessa a lot of the time. But I think the thing is that in some shitty way they connect. They are both hurting in different ways, and I think that due to Zoey's family never being there, she's found a sort of stability, a happiness, around Tessa and her family than she ever has with hers.

One specific thing that was immediately called to my attention when I started reading this was just how authentically British it was. I've read a lot of UK based books, but this one seems to hit closer to home. I feel like the author ticked every box with this book in comparison to how everything just felt wrong with You Against Me. Their voices felt relatable, the chocolates, sweets, the places, the shops, the slang - basically everything they spoke of was home to me. It made her journey all the more real. And if that was what the author was aiming for, well, she sure as hell succeeded.

You know, I cried. Even thought I never thought I would. But there were moments where I would feel myself chocking up, and it was near the end where I just really couldn't hold it back anymore. Although at times she annoyed me, I couldn't not forgive her. And her mother - I was tempted to gather all my anger and frustration and hurl it all at her. But what is even the point? Not only is that woman pathetic but just a lost cause. I just really wish that she would have let her have it harder. Her mother needed to know how hard she messed up.
And then there is Carl - her younger brother. He is endearing. Him and Tessa share a mixed relationship of sorts. He's too young to really know what to do with the situation his sister is in. And whilst a lot of the time he wants to spend time with her, but at the same time he also has to deal with his dad giving his sister a lot of the attention. And although he never complains, it's clear that it's something that plays on his mind. He's too small to understand it fully. But he knows enough to be devastated and scared. The two have some beautiful moments.

Taking you through all these aspects of the novel actually made me forget one of the main bits. And that is the love interest, Adam. Again, this boy I don't know what to make of. Because honestly, how often in YA do you get put with a love interest who our protagonist admits is ugly? Once I was over the confusion and as to what to do with this bit of information, or how to react, I just went with the flow. Now Adam is pretty perfect. Looks aside, he's a little too perfect. Although at first he's reluctant because he's afraid of the two of them getting hurt, eventually he opens himself up. And their moments are truly beautiful (the foot moment, ermm, not so much). He is also practically a carer for his mum who has never quite been the same since her husband died. He has put everything on hold for his mother - including education - and it's not until he meets Tessa that he starts to feel. The thing is that I had a tough time believing in him at times. There are so many questions. Am I supposed to buy that they fell in love so quickly? Would a guy in his position stick around for so long when she is wasting away like that? Would he be so understating and committed? I don't know. It's partly the reason for it not getting five stars. But it also adds a sweetness to an already bitter story.

BEFORE I DIE completely caught me off guard. I finished it very heavy hearted and sad. Noticing how there was sunshine outside after what seemed like forever, I stuck my head out my widow and just stood there for some time trying to make sense of it all. How I was standing here, strong and alive when this girl deteriorated day after day.

Where is the fairness in that?

And it's so simple. it's not OK. And it's not fair. But it's the cruel way of life. I am so in awe of Tessa. Of her ability to take her condition on the chin and try to live life to the fullest, to never give up and want and want and want until his love for her consumes her. There is so much wanting in her. She wants so much to marry, have children, go university, travel the world that it makes you think - how the hell can I not appreciate these things and not take on the world?

I guess the fact that this book is all kinds of beautiful factors hugely in my love for it.
Just read it.

My favourite quotes :)

“It's utterly beautiful not to know my own edges.��

“She'll understand what I already know - that death surrounds us all. And it tastes like metal between your teeth.��

“I want the people I love to get up and speak about me, and even if you cry it'll be OK. I want you to say honest things.��

“There's a terrible stillness. I notice a small tear in the wallpaper above her shoulder. I notice finger marks grimed on the light switch. Somewhere down in the house, a door opens and shuts. As Zoey turns to face me, I realize that life is made up of a series of moments, each one a journey to the end.��

“Cal says that humans are made from the nuclear ash of dead stars. He says that when I die, I'll return to dust, glitter,rain. If thats true, I want to be buried right here under this tree. Its roots will reach into the soft mess of my body and suck me dry. I'll be re-formed as apple blossom. I'll drift down in the spring like confetti and cling to my family's shoes. They'll carry me in their pockets to help them sleep. What dreams will they have then?��

“All I know is that I have two choices �� stay wrapped in blankets and get on with dying, or get the list back together and get on with living.��

“We said we'd be friends.'
He looks confused. 'Yeah.'
I don't want to be.'
There's space between us, and in that space there's darkness. I take another step, so close that we share a breath. The same one. In and out.
Tess,' he says. I know it's a warning, but I don't care.
What's the worst thing that can happen?'
It'll hurt,' he says.
It already hurts.'

“I wish I had a boyfriend. I wish he lived in the wardrobe on a coat hanger. Whenever I wanted, I could get him out and he'd look at me the way boys do in films, as if I'm beautiful.��

I don't want to be dead.
I haven't been loved like this way for long enough.