欧宝娱乐

** spoiler alert ** This short book is about REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy), which was the precursor to CBT, but some of us prefer this earlier version, which I see as being more Stoical in its approach - and I like that.

In my review I'm simply going to do a brief synopsis of the points I found interesting in the book and would like to have noted for future reference.....

Basically, REBT states that many of our problems stem from our demands, musts and shoulds.

Life must be easy / and it's awful if it isn't.
My husband must be on time / and it's awful if he isn't.
My friends must like me / and it's awful if they don't.

Instead we need to be winding down the intensity of these statements to 'preferring' rather than 'musting'. Preferring opens the door for more realistic and helpful solutions.

I would prefer it if life was easy / but I can handle it if it isn't
I would prefer that my husband was on time / but his time-keeping issues are his responsibility.
I'd prefer it if my friends liked me / but I can accept it if they don't like me all the time.

Preferring isn't a toothless option. For instance if your husband's tardiness was causing major disruption in your lives you could suggest he went to see a therapist about it. If it continued to be really disruptive, as a last case scenario you could divorce him.

Edelstein gives us the recipe for working through difficult situations with this example.

A Activating Event.....................................Jack doesn't admire me.

B Irrational belief........................................Jack MUST admire me.

C Emotional consequence..........................Anger

D Disputing/Substituting..........................Why MUST Jack admire me? Is there a law that says he
must?

E Effective new thinking............................I PREFER that Jack admire me but I can
survive quite well if he doesn't

F New Feeling...........................................Disappointment, rather than anger or rage.

He suggests that we apply this technique to situations that are upsetting us. He also stresses that it is much more effective to write out the whole thing, rather than just running through it quickly in our heads. "It is important to dispute your musts actively. Pick up a pen and write out material. You need to practice, practice, practice these things every day, like brushing your teeth."

He stresses that anger is not a helpful emotion. He shows how we can respond to difficult situations in three different ways.

With anger
With meekness
With calm assertiveness or reasoned compliance.

The first two aren't constructive. Getting rid of your anger does not mean liking what you see, nor does it mean being resigned to it. Furthermore, in some situations we need to accept that behaviour which causes you to feel negative may never change. You may well just have to accept it, or move on (eg as a last resort, in order to effect change you may have to leave your husband or change jobs.)

The essence of all anger is musts, demands and shoulds. "We have a right to preferences, but no right to godlike demands. Demands create emotional disturbance and there is no reason at all why anyone must behave as we demand."

This is a slippery point, but Endelstein argues that it is always you making yourself angry. No other person, experience or situation is doing that. No matter how obnoxious the object of your dislike, the anger is your responsibility. It's never warranted by external circumstances. Here Endelstein differs from one of my favourite REBT practitioners, Walter Matweychuk, who argues that there is "rational anger", but this quietly leads us to constructive action - it doesn't result in explosive behaviours.

Endelstein also says that problems have two components.

- An emotional response
- A practical response
The more we reduce our emotional response the more we can concentrate on practical and positive solutions.

He gives examples of people who have handled life without showing anger - the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Ghandi.

The book also talks a lot about "low frustration tolerance", and ways in which we can try and become more resilient, better able to handle frustration. Basically the message is all about taking action rather than avoidance. It gives us ploys we can use to get things done, rather than procrastinating. Things like setting yourself a time to start something, on the understanding you only have to do it for five minutes. After that time you can check if you want to continue.

He also stresses the importance of practising these new ideas. For instance when you feel yourself slipping into 'awfulizing' mode, he suggests using a knock-out statement to counteract that feeling.

"I have hassles, too damn bad"
or
"Hassles are only hassles, never horrors"
or
"Next week this will be nothing".

He suggests using the knock-out phrase up to 100 times a day! "We need to keep using the knock-out statement or the musts will creep back."

He also points out that what we want is unconditional self acceptance, rather than good self-esteem. Self-esteem can all too easily go up and down like a yo yo, depending upon how people praise or ignore us, or upon how we rate our behaviours. You are at the mercy of your latest performance.

"There is also an inherent tendency for self-raters to move towards a low self-rating. Most human intentions don't work out quite as planned, and there's a natural tendency to focus on shortcomings." Self-rating also leads you to compare yourself pointlessly with other people.

My best takeaways from the book? Firstly the recipe for challenging things that upset us, and secondly the idea that we use knock-out statements to argue with our tendency to slip into awfulizing or other negative ways of thinking - which is something I'm prone to. He really conveys the need to work on these things, over and over again - and I found that helpful.

I have gone back to this book on several occasions. He encapsulates ideas that I've heard about elsewhere, but does so with a lot of impact, which I find helpful. Highly recommended for anyone interested in the basics of REBT.