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Every move that we make scented candles reflect it all / And our shadows are locked in a dance on the bedroom wall (Peep Show �� Joe).

Let's rewind the clock back maybe a year and we'd find ourself in a world where this book was super popular here on ŷ������ (meaning that I saw it more than once while scrolling down the timeline), and I thought hey, that looks pretty cute and figured that I should check it out someday in the future. Well, we've reached that day and now I realize that all I am is a guy who's way late to the party sitting here with a finished book that was just okay. It was well worth the wait? Okay, that’s a little dramatic, because I actually don’t have strong enough opinions about this book to where it can even evoke the kinds of emotions that would leave me writing a long ass rant about it whatsoever�� but hey, that’s never stopped me before! Anyway, I probably take these kinds of stories a little too seriously, because even though everything about this book is telling me to sit back and relax, I’m still over here trying to figure out the logistics of the world building while Chucky the Chuckler over here is cracking ten jokes a minute. Only three paragraphs of this book’s prose and I was already saying stuff like ��Alrighty, let’s wrap it up!�� Just tell me more about this fantasy world’s society! My biggest issue here is that most of the world-building operates on the notion that we all know common fantasy tropes going into it, so there doesn't need to be any kind of exposition. I know that might sound like an immense relief to a lot of readers, but let me tell you that I'm of the opinion that just because your story is covering very common tropes, it doesn't mean that you can skimp out on the natural ways to tell a story. Like yeah, we all know what an author means when they talk about Elves and Orcs, but what do these cultures mean in the context of this specific story!? Are we just supposed to go off of Lord of the Rings logic or one of the other millions of fantasy books that use the same shit!? Because otherwise, why even read this book if it doesn't want to shake things up even a little bit? I'll just go ahead and (try) to read Lord of the Rings again! I mean, even Skyrim, for all of its faults, has vastly different lore for all of the common fantasy races that it uses in its setting, like how different the history of vampires would be in a world that doesn't have a Count Dracula (or Orlok if you're trying to avoid copyright). Or how the game will at least call their races different names like with the Dwemer or the Falmer to give things a little variety. Is this book trying to be Lord of the Rings or Skyrim? Nope, but I'm just saying, I never want to read a fantasy story that feels like it's written by short-hand.

Anyway, for what it's worth, I do think this book did a good enough job at involving me in the story despite the fact that the short length and overly modern prose held it back in most regards. As for the premise though, this book is about an Orc name Orlok�� wait no, that’s Nosferatu’s name�� um let me check real quick�� this book is about an Orc named Berklak being hired by the necromancer prince, Lawton, to investigate a curse or disease or a whatever spreading throughout the land that makes people uncharacteristically aggressive. Woah, where did that come from? It’s a surprisingly involved plot considering the cover gives off some serious Deviant Art vibes (not shade, I love the cover)! But I'd probably have to warn folks that you shouldn't exactly go into this book expecting a totally complete and fulfilling story, what with all one hundred pages of this basically just being set-up for the adventure that the characters will probably go on in the next book. Not cool. I remember reading this manga called Yamato Gensōki back in the day that got cancelled half way through, and in a last ditch effort to give it some kind of satisfying ending, the author literally wrote it so the last page was the characters looking off into the sunset with the parting words saying that the main character's journey was "just beginning!" And not to be facetious, but the journey was clearly ending, my dude. Yeah well, I'm sorry to say that I Went on an Adventure and All I Got Was This Barbarian Orc gave off the same vibes as a manga that was cancelled mid-way through. I know, I know, this is literally “part one�� of a bigger thing and that there's a complete series out there just waiting for me to read them so I can stop complaining, but I maintain even if a story is made with a sequel in mind, it should still have a satisfying pay-off right here and now. It’s like how the suits at Netflix and Disney Plus keep insisting on marketing their shows as ��6 hour movie events�� rather than wanting make their T.V. shows into�� engaging T.V. shows. And because they do this, they forget that one episode of T.V. still means that you should at the very least have a satisfying beginning, middle, and end! Mini stories that complete the overarching narrative. This is the way it's always been done and it hasn't changed now just because streaming services only seem to know how to make seasons of television consisting of six to eight episodes that come out every five years!

Sorry to six hour movie enjoyers, but single episodes of T.V. still need to reach the same emotional story beats that you would in a movie, just in a more condensed format. You can't just write it so every episode leaves off on a cliff-hanger to get people watching every week but then to avoid the "washed out" accusations, begin promoting a guy running through a series of hallways on some kind of complicated camera mechanism in the hopes that people will still think your show is "high art." You still got to adhere to the basics of story-telling! That’s why most shows on those streaming platforms just feel like they’re endlessly meandering and don’t go anywhere until the final episode (Book of Boba Fett, The Mandaloran season 3, and Ms. Marvel), it’s because the writers are too focused on the big picture that they forget the importance of making the journey as interesting as it can be right now! You probably get my point by now, but like I said, that’s what this book made me think of; waiting and waiting for the story to get to the good part and then it ended. Shit, I might just avoid part two out of resentment. But otherwise, the only reason why it seems like I’m laying into I Went on an Adventure and All I Got Was This Barbarian Orc a little harsher than I normally would is because there were moments during my reading experience where small bits of greatness would break through the quirky and self-aware prose and showed me a much better story. Yeah, again that’s a little on the dramatic side, but I just want you to know that my feelings for this book are less about criticism and more about journaling my disappointment in what could have been! I'm sure that lots of folks will be really into this story, and that's really cool. Super cool, man. I already talked about how surprisingly interesting the plot was, but I also thought that our two main characters, Berklak and Lawton (or Orlok and Dalton if I’m typing with my eyes closed), had an incredibly strong sense of identity despite the overly humorous tone to the story, and I really enjoyed how unique they felt as pov narrators while also clearly seeing how their personalities would go well together when they eventually meet. Berklak is a Half-Orc who belongs to so many different guilds throughout this half-baked, generic fantasy world that you’d think they were written by Todd Howard, while Lawton is a prince who’s ostracized for practicing an outlawed form of magic. Don't worry though, he thankfully holds back his worst impulses in a show of characterization that makes him feel like the embodiment of a writer’s pent up rage.

I mean, I do have to admit that they both felt a little overpowered for the setting they're in the same way those Isekai manga always have their characters waa~aay stronger than anyone else, and I really do think that this kind of characterization only ever helps to remove narrative tension that could have otherwise been had. It's soo~ooo lazy! And I didn't like how the book would literally have it so characters stated that they were a "Level 4 sorcerer" or whatever in universe and it's like... am I in a video game? And like games, don't get me wrong, but different mediums shouldn't be transferred over verbatim, they should be translated. I want my books to feel like books, my video games to feel like video games, and I especially want television to feel like television! Otherwise, I did appreciate the restraint the author showed in having Berklak and Lawton separated until about the half-way mark, because it gave us enough time get to know them and see their motivations without the story being encumbered by the romance side-plot. Because damn, when they do finally meet up, things instantly heat up. Psst ouch! Lawton’s inner monologue quickly evolves from resentment over his family troubles into him just wanting to know how many inches the Orc’s *elephant noise* is, that’s what they call a ��fruit-by-the-foot!�� har har. I also thought it was pretty interesting how Lawton showed almost no sexual interest for most the story, having not had sex with anyone but himself for ten years prior, that is until he's introduced to Berklak and immediately turns into the horniest man on the planet. You might call this inconsistent writing, but you know what they say�� what’s a goon to a goblin heh heh. But really though, seeing as fantasy races are already commonly used as a generalized proxy for real life cultures, this book’s heavier emphasis on the Orc race having large members and their prowess in bed came across as thinly-veiled racialized fetishism. But who knows, it’s probably not that deep. And even though I found this book to be kind of dumb, maybe I’ll end up remembering it more fondly the longer I stay away from it? if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that if a thing is around for long enough (like, two months), eventually it’ll get hit with the nostalgic ��underrated masterpiece" beam. You know, where a hated thing will later be heralded as being ��good actually! The critics were wrong!�� I mean, look at how everybody loves Adam Sandler now even though it was pretty common place to hate his stuff back in the day. But nah, now we all think he’s a pioneer of comedy, his legacy unmatched. Like, we’re just all going to forget Little Nicky exists, huh? I guess passage of time can be kind. Hey, ask me about this book tomorrow and I might have a completely new review for you.

“I’m a middle child; of course I want love.��