Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ

*Warning: review contains profanity and spoilers.*
This book deserves no stars.
When I read the first thirty percent, I thought I could make it. I thought I could get through this without permanent brain damage.
Oh no, I was wrong.

Bethany Church
Now, let's start off with our favorite protagonist, Bethany!
Do you know how long I laughed when I when I first learned Bethany's last name?
Five minutes. That's how funny I found it.
I was like," An angel whose last name is Church? That's fucking hilarious!"
But the problem with Bethany doesn't end at her last name. She's useless. She's love-sick. She's selfish. And most of all, she's fucking annoying.

Case 1:
"When I cut my foot on the sharp edge of a shell, Xavier insisted on carrying me. I was grateful that in the darkness he couldn't see the cut heal of its own accord. Even though the pain in my foot had subsided, I continued to cling to him, enjoying his attention."
Fuck, do you know how fucking heavy you are? I don't fucking care if you're thin, carrying you for that long has got to hurt. And it's a fucking cut. Even if it didn't heal on its own, you can fucking walk on your own.

Case 2:
"I wanted to run and hide my face in Gabriel's shirt, beg forgiveness, and feel his arms close around me."
Dude, you fucking went against an angel law! You revealed yourself to Xavier, and you expect Gabriel to just let you off the hook? Even you know you're wrong! But of course Gabriel forgave her. Because she's just so fucking lovable.

Case 3:
"'What's going to happen now? We'll be recalled to the kingdom, won't we? I'll never see him again.'"
Oh no, never mind the mission. Never mind the Dark Agents. All we need to care about is darling Bethie and her ever-raging hormones for Xavier!

Case 4:
"I knew that if [the assignment] slipped my mind, Xavier would complete it for me and hand it in without my knowledge."
Bethie, darling, you're an angel. You told us several pages ago that you only needed three minutes to finish your homework. But noooooo, Xavier has to prove his love for Bethany by doing her fucking homework for her.


Case 5:
"He took hold of my shoulder.
'Don't touch me!'
'Ooh, feistier than she looks,' Kirk laughed and tightened his grip.
'Take your hands off her.' I breathed a sigh of relief as Xavier stepped in front of me, tall and reassuring. I drew instinctively closer to him, relishing the safety of his presence."
God, just punch that piece of shit and run for your useless life! Don't fucking wait for walnut head to show up!

See Bethany? Even Bella fucking Swan knows how to defend herself!

Case 6:
"'Listen, this kid might be right up your alley. According to grapevine, he's been expelled from three schools already, and he's been sent here to sort himself out. I guess because it's far away from anything that might get him into trouble. Interested in [helping him] now?'
'Maybe—just a little,' I said."

Beth, honey, you've been sent here on a mission to help people. You've been sitting around whining for the last twenty percent about how useeeleesss you are and how saaaad because you've been a bad angel. And how someone needs help, and you just fucking sit on your angel ass? Shit, if this is how angels are, I'd never want to have a guardian angel. I'd get in a car crash and she'd be too busy lusting and whining.

Case 7:
"I could claim no credit for these improvements; I'd been far too preoccupied with fitting in and getting to know Xavier to have given much thought to anything else."
Oh, so you finally realize you're useless, huh? And what do you do? You continue sitting on your useless ass.

Case 8:
"'Did I mention I've finally decided a nickname for you?'
'I didn't know you were looking.'
'Well, I've given the matter some serious thought.'
'Cookie,' I announced proudly. Xavier scrunched up his face. 'No way.'
'You don't like it? How about Bumblebee?'
'Worse.'
'Snookie-wookie?'
This quote needs no elaboration.


Case 9:
"The next few days [after Xavier saw Bethany kissing Jake] passed by in a blur. I didn't go to school, and Ivy and Gabriel didn't try to make me."
You are a fucking angel on a mission. So fucking act like one. You do not skip school, or stop your mission because you're too heart-broken. If you miss him so much, just fucking get up and go see him! But oh no, Ivy and Gabriel has to go fetch Xavier for her.

Case 10:
"Even though Xavier was only human, it seemed he could protect me from anything. It wouldn't have worried me if a fire-breathing dragon had torn off the roof, because I knew Xavier was there."


Xavier Woods
I don't hate Xavier as much as Bethany. But it's hard for me to take someone with "walnut" colored hair seriously. But apart from his walnutness, he's still a douche. Proof:

Case 1:
"He became fiercely protective whenever anybody he didn't approve came within a two-foot radius of me.
'Uh, uh.' He shook his head at me when a boy named Ton Snooks asked if I wanted to 'hang' with him and his friends one afternoon.
'What's wrong with him?' I asked crossly. 'He seems nice enough.'
'He's not your type of person.'
'Why?'
'You ask a lot of questions, don't you?'
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize girls weren't allowed to hang with male friends. I didn't realize girls can't choose their own friends. I didn't realize girls couldn't fucking ask questions. (Even though Bethany is pretty annoying with her questions)

Case 2:
"Xavier hinted and waited for me to register, rolling his eyes when I didn't. 'You're a dope.'"
Oh, wow, being called a dope is just so fucking romantic!

Case 3:
"'Here, eat this,' he commanded and pushed a health bar across the table. "Your blood sugar is probably low—so don't argue.'"
Apparently girls aren't allowed to choose for themselves what to eat, either. Good to know.

Case 4:
"'But why did you choose me?' I asked. I knew the answer, I knew he loved me, but I needed him to say it.
'Because you bring me closer to God and myself,' Xavier said."
Yes, because having a threesome with God and your girlfriend is so sexy you list it as the main reason on why you love her.

The other characters
Gabriel and Ivy
They're practically the same person. Ivy is a completely useless character—she could have been written out and nothing would have changed. All Gabriel does is strum his guitar and cook. All Ivy does is mill around and smile. Also: "Ivy looked so domestic in her apron that both [Xavier and I] had to smile."
Fuck that quote.

Bethany's cardboard cutout friends
Her friends are all proooommmm, guuuuuuuuys, teeeaaccheers. I assure you that no girl is like that. I cannot imagine how Adornetto, being "only sixteen when she started the series", could have written such two-dimensional friends like these. Didn't she have any friends? Are all her friends like that? If so, it's no wonder.

Jake Thorn
I'm alright with Jake, actually. I'm a sucker for poetry. Though he's the world's worst villain—I saw through all his motives right from the start. But then again—Beth and the gang are pretty stupid.

The anti-feminism
This book is an insult to feminists everywhere. Everything Bethany does, she has to get permission from Xavier. All her cardboard cutout friends are even more anti-feminist. If I could pull each of them out of the book, I'd strangle them slowly and painfully until they understand they don't need a guy to live. And don't give me that shit about how Bethany can defend herself from me because she has 'true love' powers. I have true love powers too—for chocolate.

Case 1:
"I knew she must be resentful of [Xavier's] monopoly of my time and attention, but Molly was a realist and held the view that friendships had to take a backseat when relationships started—especially if the relationship was as intense as mine and Xavier's.

Friendships>Relationships
I don't even want to elaborate on this.

Case 2:
"For this evening at least, feminist philosophy has been abandoned, and the girls, like fairy-tale princesses, allowed themselves to be led up the flight of stairs and into the foyer."


I can't believe this book even had the nerve to mention the word 'feminist'. Adornetto's whole book butchered feminist philosophy.
Excuse me while I go fetch Adornetto and teach her what feminist philosophy means.


The ending
Oh god, the ending.

That has got to be the most anti-climatic ending I've ever read.
The problem begins at when Bethany and Xavier goes off to the graveyard alone. They watch Jake shove some dark magic down a guy's throat, and what do they do? NOTHING. They crouch there. They watch. Bethany info-dumps Xavier on what demons are. Then our lovely Molly comes in, and only then does Bethany decide to do something.
Then she gets carted away, with no explanation on why Xavier didn't immediately go after her.
Then Jake sets the house on fire or something, and everyone shows up, Gabriel and Jake stare at each other. And stare at each other some more. Then suddenly...TRUE LOVE!!! ZOMG, Bethany's power is true love! She doesn't even have to fight Jake Thorn! Apparently her fucking power is so strong it opens a chasm and Jake falls in!
That's fucking ridiculous.

The errors
Throughout the book, I couldn't help but notice many grammatical mistakes. Where the hell was Adornetto's editor? But no worries, I'll state them out here.

1."Apart from color everything had its own different texture and shape."
Fuck that non-existent comma that should have been between 'color' and 'everything'.

2."'If that's true then what can we possibly do for them?'"
Fuck that other non-existent comma that should have been between 'true' and 'then'.

3."I reached the silky, white sand of the beach, which squeaked under my feet."
Fuck that. Sand doesn't squeak.

4."Yes but what if they thought I'm weird."
Fuck that full-stop that should have been a question mark.

5."I had hoped he would ask and I wanted to say yes but part of me feared feeling different from them."
Fuck that run on sentence.

6."Wasn't he the one who went psycho and moved into a cave."
Fuck that other full-stop that again, should have been a question mark.

7."Molly had told me no end of stories about her ex-boyfriend Kyle, whom her parents had thoroughly disapproved of, even going as far as refusing him entry into the house."
Fuck that 'him' that should have been a 'his'.

8."My whole family besides Mom are useless in the kitchen."
My whole family is, not are.

9.Our Father
'Our' should not be capitalized. What are you capitalizing it for, anyways? Are you trying to call yourself holy?

10."Jake's lip curled back, revealing his small, sharp teeth. 'You should know that you're playing with fire,' he smirked.
'And I'm not afraid of getting burned,' Xavier spit."
You know, that's a nice sentence. Sounds really hot. You know what can make it sound more profound? Realizing that the past tense of spit is spat.


To conclude, I am ashamed. Ashamed that I actually finished this book. Ashamed that I belong to the same age group as most of those who love Halo.
Excuse me, but I think I'm going to get therapy for brain damage now.