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Paul Bryant's Reviews > All the Pretty Horses
All the Pretty Horses (The Border Trilogy, #1)
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AMERICA'S GOT TALENT
A large auditorium. The audience is abuzz with low-quality hysteria. Who’s up next? A glowering old man stands on the vast stage. He’s got a guitar and one of those neck-brace harmonica things and he looks mortally offended. He always looks like that though.
Simon: And what’s your name?
Man : Cormac McCarthy.
Simon : Where are you from?
CM : Rhode Island.
LA Reid : Would you say you had a philosophy of life?
CM : There's no such thing as life without bloodshed. I think the notion that the species can be improved in some way, that everyone could live in harmony, is a really dangerous idea. Those who are afflicted with this notion are the first ones to give up their souls, their freedom. Your desire that it be that way will enslave you and make your life vacuous.
Cheryl Cole : Awa, tha wez canny good but Ah think it wez above me heed.
Paula Abdul : What are you going to do for us, Cormac?
CM : It’s called “All the Pretty Horses�.
Simon : Okay, in your own time.
CM performs “All the Pretty Horses�. Shots of 14 year old girls in the audience looking bewildered. Every time CM mentions violent death the boys whoop and cheer.
Simon : Er, okay, we’ll go straight to the vote. Cheryl?
CC : When Ah wis a bairn Ah used te gan te Sunday school - yon bonny lad soonds jes like yon Bible but wi cooboys. Wis there any cooboys in the Bible Simon?
Simon : Is that a yes or a no?
CC : Well� It’s sort of a yes�
Simon : Paula?
Paula : I’m so grateful that ordeal is over. I’m too old for this crap.
Simon : So that’s a no.
LA Reid : I have to say � Cormac � did you have any idea how much you were getting on our nerves? Was it necessary to start every single sentence with for, and, yet, so � it was conjunction city. So here's another short word for you. It’s a no.
Simon : Well (with a superior smile which one sweet day someone will knock off his face) I liked it. It was different. Admittedly you lost about two thirds of the audience after chapter three but that doesn’t have to be a disaster. I think you’ve really got something. Look, Cormac, I don’t really think the X Factor is the proper venue for your kind of talent. You know you have to have three votes out of four to pass the audition process but in your case I’m going to say see me after the show. I think we could work something out.
A large auditorium. The audience is abuzz with low-quality hysteria. Who’s up next? A glowering old man stands on the vast stage. He’s got a guitar and one of those neck-brace harmonica things and he looks mortally offended. He always looks like that though.
Simon: And what’s your name?
Man : Cormac McCarthy.
Simon : Where are you from?
CM : Rhode Island.
LA Reid : Would you say you had a philosophy of life?
CM : There's no such thing as life without bloodshed. I think the notion that the species can be improved in some way, that everyone could live in harmony, is a really dangerous idea. Those who are afflicted with this notion are the first ones to give up their souls, their freedom. Your desire that it be that way will enslave you and make your life vacuous.
Cheryl Cole : Awa, tha wez canny good but Ah think it wez above me heed.
Paula Abdul : What are you going to do for us, Cormac?
CM : It’s called “All the Pretty Horses�.
Simon : Okay, in your own time.
CM performs “All the Pretty Horses�. Shots of 14 year old girls in the audience looking bewildered. Every time CM mentions violent death the boys whoop and cheer.
Simon : Er, okay, we’ll go straight to the vote. Cheryl?
CC : When Ah wis a bairn Ah used te gan te Sunday school - yon bonny lad soonds jes like yon Bible but wi cooboys. Wis there any cooboys in the Bible Simon?
Simon : Is that a yes or a no?
CC : Well� It’s sort of a yes�
Simon : Paula?
Paula : I’m so grateful that ordeal is over. I’m too old for this crap.
Simon : So that’s a no.
LA Reid : I have to say � Cormac � did you have any idea how much you were getting on our nerves? Was it necessary to start every single sentence with for, and, yet, so � it was conjunction city. So here's another short word for you. It’s a no.
Simon : Well (with a superior smile which one sweet day someone will knock off his face) I liked it. It was different. Admittedly you lost about two thirds of the audience after chapter three but that doesn’t have to be a disaster. I think you’ve really got something. Look, Cormac, I don’t really think the X Factor is the proper venue for your kind of talent. You know you have to have three votes out of four to pass the audition process but in your case I’m going to say see me after the show. I think we could work something out.
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Reading Progress
Finished Reading
November 13, 2007
– Shelved
December 14, 2007
– Shelved as:
novels
July 5, 2019
– Shelved as:
modern-western
Comments Showing 1-21 of 21 (21 new)
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by
Manny
(new)
May 18, 2015 02:02AM
Your review makes me want to watch The X Factor and then shoot someone. Thank you.
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I hope I don't get arrested for radicalising you.
I'll make sure no blame attaches to you. Your soul is still only 6.2% saved... not a good moment to take foolish risks.If I shoot Simon Cowell, do think I'd be able to get away with justified homicide?
No court in the land will convict you.
Sigh... if even you guys watch (or have watched) The X Factor, what hope for humanity?
Cecily, you can relax. I have never even watched one minute of The X Factor. It's so famous that you don't actually need to watch it to have a pretty good idea of what it's about.
That's a relief. I've never seen even a moment of it either, but I can't help being aware of it and knowing what Simon Cowell looks like - though I wouldn't recognise his voice.
I have watched this AND Britain's Got Talent. This is how I crafted such an exact parody. I am down with the kids. Or at least, one particular kid. No mandarin am I, spearing miniature Emily Dickinson-shaped truffles with my long fingernails and lightly beating upon a gong with an unpublished Anais Nin manuscript. I'm keepin it real.
*laughing like a drain* Yes, X Factor is like my book list of books I don't need to read cos someone else suffered (etc) for my sake......
This is the best review I have ever read. By far!
thanks - I had completely forgotten about this one!
ah, i enjoyed that...
And the movie is wonderful, though heartbreaking.
he doesn't get to sing though
thanks Natalie - one of my sillier reviews, if that's what it is
Very clever review Paul, I enjoyed it - BTW 3 from me too
thanks Mark... this is an old one!
