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“As opposed to really listening, you tend to be always sharpening your knife, thinking how to prove your point; why you’re right,”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“You feel busier trying to keep up, but it just keeps you from getting anything done.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“the need to control the narrative and have the patience and confidence to follow the story wherever it leads.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Staying in touchâ€� or “keeping upâ€� with someone is nothing more than listening to what’s on that person’s mind—the frequency with which you check in determining the strength and longevity of the relationship.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“The most valuable lesson I’ve learned as a journalist is that everybody is interesting if you ask the right questions. If someone is dull or uninteresting, it’s on you. Researchers at the University of Utah found that when talking to inattentive listeners, speakers remembered less information and were less articulate in the information they conveyed. Conversely, they found that attentive listeners elicited more information, relevant detail, and elaboration from speakers, even when the listeners didn’t ask any questions. So if you’re barely listening to someone because you think that person is boring or not worth your time, you will actually make it so.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Listening is not about teaching, shaping, critiquing, appraising, or showing how it should be done (â€� Here, let me show you.â€� “Don’t be shy.â€� “That’s awesome!â€� “Smile for Daddy.â€�). Listening is about the experience of being experienced. It’s when someone takes an interest in who you are and what you are doing. The lack of being known and accepted in this way leads to feelings of inadequacy and emptiness. What makes us feel most lonely and isolated in life is less often the result of a devastating traumatic event than the accumulation of occasions when nothing happened but something profitably could have. It’s the missed opportunity to connect when you weren’t listening or someone wasn’t really listening to you.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“The ability to listen to anyone has been replaced by the capacity to shut out everyone, particularly those who disagree with us or don’t get to the point fast enough.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Another interesting aspect of how we process auditory information is the right-ear advantage. Our language comprehension is generally better and faster when heard in the right ear versus the left. It has to do with the lateralization of the brain so that what one hears in the right ear is routed first to the left side of the brain, where Wernicke’s area is located. There’s a left-ear advantage when it comes to the recognition of emotional aspects of speech as well as the perception and appreciation of music and sounds in nature.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“In the documentary Bowling for Columbine, heavy metal musician Marilyn Manson was asked what he would say to the kids and to the people in the community where the school shooting took place, an act some said was inspired by his music. “I wouldn’t say a single word to them. I would listen to what they have to say,â€� he said. “And that’s what no one did.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“He [Matthew Salganik, a professor of sociology at Princeton University, who is affiliated with several of Princeton's interdisciplinary research centers] explained to me that, broadly speaking, the difficulty with looking for answers in data sets is you become like a drunk looking for his keys under a lamppost. Ask the drunk why he's looking for his keys under the lamppost, an the drunk says, "Because that's where the light is." Data sets shed light only on what's in the data set.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“And yet, listening is arguably more valuable than speaking. Wars have been fought, fortunes lost, and friendships wrecked for lack of listening. Calvin Coolidge famously said, “No man ever listened himself out of a job.â€� It is only by listening that we engage, understand, connect, empathize, and develop as human beings. It is fundamental to any successful relationship—personal, professional, and political. Indeed, the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.â€� So it’s striking that high schools and colleges have debate teams and courses in rhetoric and persuasion but seldom, if ever, classes or activities that teach careful listening. You can get a doctorate in speech communication and join clubs like Toastmasters to perfect your public speaking, but there’s no comparable degree or training that emphasizes and encourages the practice of listening.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Listening helps you understand yourself as much as those speaking to you. It’s why from the time we are babies, we are more alert to the human voice and exquisitely tuned to its nuances, harmonies, and discordances. Indeed, you begin to listen before you are even born. Fetuses respond to sound at just sixteen weeksâ€� gestation and, during the last trimester of pregnancy, can clearly distinguish between language and other sounds. An unborn child can be soothed by a friendly voice and startled by an angry outburst.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Good listeners know that understanding is not binary. It's not that you have it or you don't, your understanding can always be improved.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“If you go into every situation thinking you already know everything, it limits your ability to grow, learn, connect, and evolve,â€� Noesner said. “I think a good listener is someone who is open to hearing someone else’s experiences and ideas and acknowledges their point of view.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Maxim of Quality—we expect the truth.
Maxim of Quantity—we expect to get information we don’t already know and not so much that we feel overwhelmed.
Maxim of Relation—we expect relevance and logical flow.
Maxim of Manner—we expect the speaker to be reasonably brief, orderly, and unambiguous.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“If you’re not good at reading other people’s reactions as you speak, then just ask them. Check in. “Have I lost you?â€� “Did I overstep?â€� “What do you think?â€� “Are you still with me?â€� “Had enough?â€� “Am I boring you?â€� “Make sense?â€� “Too much?”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“too, is false. Listening can be particularly challenging for introverts because they have so much busyness going on in their own heads that it’s hard to make room for additional input. Because they tend to be sensitive, they may also reach saturation sooner. Listening can feel like an onslaught, making it difficult to continue listening, particularly when the speech-thought differential gives their minds occasion to drift.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Information is only as useful as how it is collected and interpreted. Algorithms are only as good as the scope and reliability of the data sets to which they are applied.
So too, the findings of a qualitative researcher are only as good as that individual's neutrality, perceptiveness, and skill at eliciting anecdote and emotion. In other words, how well the qualitative researcher listens.
At best, a quant can give you broad brushstrokes while a qual can provide finer detail. Both approaches are valid, and when used in concert, can be extremely revealing.  But when it comes to human interactions, and divining individual's unique motivations, proclivities and potentials, listing is so far the best and most accurate tool.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Information is only as useful how is collected an interpreted. Algorithms are only as good as the scope and reliability of the data sets to which they are applied.
So too, the findings of a qualitative researcher are only as good as that individual's neutrality, perceptiveness, and skill at eliciting anecdote and emotion. In other words, how well the qualitative researcher listens.
At best, a quant can give you broad brushstrokes while a qual can provide finer detail. Both approaches are valid, and when used in concert, can be extremely revealing.  But when it comes to human interactions, and divining individual's unique motivations, proclivities and potentials, listing is so far the best and most accurate tool.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Indeed, one of the most gratifying things you can say to another person is: "I've been thinking about what you said.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“According to Dunbar, to understand the origins of gossip, we need look no further than the grooming behavior of apes. It’s thought early humans—like apes—bonded socially by grooming one another. Mutual stroking and nitpicking fostered goodwill so that later on, the two might share bananas or come to each other’s defense. But as humans grew more intelligent and the complexity of our activities and the size of our communities grew, language—and, more specifically, gossip—replaced grooming as a way to establish and maintain alliances, although we still pet and stroke those closest to us.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“The 36 Questions That Lead to Love,”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“What did I just learn about that person? What was most concerning to that person today? How did that person feel about what we were talking about? If”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“People want the sense you get why they are telling you the story, what it means to them, not so much that you know the details of the story," Bodie told me. ...Their data suggests that listeners' responses are emotionally attuned to what speakers are saying less than 5 percent of the time, making your dog look pretty good by comparison.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“In a culture infused with existential angst and aggressive personal marketing, to be silent is to fall behind. To listen is to miss an opportunity to advance your brand and make your mark.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“It was extraordinary how many people told me they considered it burdensome to ask family or friends to listen to them - not just about their problems but about anything more meaningful than the usual social niceties or jokey banter. An energies trader in Dallas told me it was "rude" not to keep the conversation light; otherwise, you were demanding too much from the listener. A surgeon in Chicago said, "The more you're a role model, the more you lead, the less permission you have to unload or talk about your concerns.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Anyone who has shared something personal and received a thoughtless or uncomprehending response knows how it makes your soul want to crawl back in its hiding place. Whether someone is confessing a misdeed, proposing an idea, sharing a dream, revealing an anxiety, or recalling a significant event - that person is giving up a piece of him or herself. And if you don't handle it with care, the person will start to edit future conversations with you, knowing, "I can't be real with this person.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“So it’s not that your friend lost his job that’s significant but how it’s impacting him emotionally. Sleuthing that out is the art of listening, particularly when people tend to bombard you with a lot of ancillary information (the commute, the fishing trip, and the detail about his wife). You are the detective, always asking, “Why is this person telling me this?â€� understanding that speakers sometimes may not know the answer themselves. Good listeners help speakers figure that out by asking questions and encouraging elaboration. You know you’ve succeeded as a listener when, after you respond, the other person says something like “Yes, exactly!â€� or “You totally get it!”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“People want the sense you get why they are telling you the story, what it means to the, not so much that you know the details of the story,â€� Bodie told me. Trouble is, he and his colleagues have consistently found that most people are really bad at this. Their data suggests that listenersâ€� responses are emotionally attuned to what speakers are saying less than 5 perfect of the timeâ€�”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“You’ve probably experienced the phenomenon when someone close to you (maybe your spouse, child, parent, friend, etc.) revealed something that you didn’t know when the two of you were talking to someone else. You might have even said, “I didn’t know that!â€� This likely occurred because the other person was listening differently than you previously had. Maybe that person showed more interest, asked the right questions, was less judging, or was less apt to interrupt.

Think of how you, yourself, might tell different people different things. It doesn’t necessarily have to do with the type of relationship you have with them or degree of closeness. You might have once told a stranger something you hadn’t told anyone else. What you tell, and how much you tell, depends on how you perceive the listener at that moment. And if someone is listening superficially, listening to find fault, or only listening to jump in with an opinion, then you’re unlikely to make any kind of meaningful disclosure and vice versa.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters