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“Sometimes you need to make the call to stop listening. While you can learn something from everyone, that doesn't mean you have to listen to everyone until they run out of breath.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“To listen does not mean, or even imply, that you agree with someone. It simply means you accept the legitimacy of the other person's point of view and that you might have something to learn from it. It also means that you embrace the possibility that there might be multiple truths and understanding them all might lead to a larger truth.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Even if your inner voice is friendlier, the dialogues you have with yourself often have to do with what’s weighing on you—things like relationship problems, professional disappointments, health concerns, and the like. Human beings are by nature problem solvers, so in quiet moments, this is where our minds go. Our fixation on what needs to be fixed is why some people can’t abide downtime and always have to have something to do so they won’t think about what’s wrong. However, trying to suppress your inner voice only gives it more power. It gets louder and more insistent, which makes some people get even busier and overscheduled to drown it out. It never works, though. Your inner voice is always there and, if it can’t get your attention during the day, it will roust you at 4:00 a.m. Hello! Remember me?”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“In Notes from Underground, Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, “Every man has some reminiscences which he would not tell to everyone, but only to his friends.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Thinking you already know how a conversation will go down kills curiosity and subverts listening, as does anxiety about the interaction.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“If people seem simple and devoid of feeling, that only means you don't know them well enough.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Epictetus said, “Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“The truth is, we only become secure in our convictions by allowing them to be challenged.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Listening can continue even when you are no longer in the presence of the speaker as you reflect on what the person said and gain added insight. This is not to recommend obsessive rumination or picking apart conversations, which psychiatrist Zerbe said usually has more to do with insecurity than honest reflection. You know you’re doing this when you are spinning your wheels going over and over how you feel about something someone said instead of considering the feelings that drove the other person to say it.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“In unedited versions of Fresh Air interviews, you frequently hear Terry Gross stopping her guests to get them to explain what they meant. But in everyday conversations, people more often shrug and move on because it doesn’t seem worth the trouble or they think they can guess what the other person meant.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“One of her greatest talents is asking questions that don’t rob people of their stories. For example, when moderating a focus group for a grocery store chain that wanted to find out what motivates people to shop late at night, she didn’t ask participants what would seem like the most obvious questions: “Do you shop late at night because you didn’t get around to it during the day?â€� “Is it because stores are less crowded at night?â€� “Do you like to shop late because that’s when stores restock their shelves?â€� All are logical reasons to shop at night and likely would have gotten affirmative responses had she asked.

Nor did Naomi simply ask why they shopped late at night because, she told me, “Why?â€� tends to make people defensive—like they have to justify themselves. Instead, Naomi turned her question into an invitation: “Tell me about the last time you went to the store after 11:00 p.m.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“None of us are good listeners all the time. It’s human nature to get distracted by what’s going on in your own head. Listening takes effort. Like reading, you might choose to go over some things carefully while skimming others, depending on the situation. But the ability to listen carefully, like the ability to read carefully, degrades if you don’t do it often enough. If you start listening to everyone as you would scan headlines on a celebrity gossip website, you won’t discover the poetry and wisdom that is within people. And you withhold the gift that the people who love you, or could love you, most desire.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Digital distraction keeps the mind occupied but does little to nurture it, much less cultivate depth of feeling, which requires the resonance of another’s voice within our very bones and psyches. To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“What is love but listening to and wanting to be a part of another person’s evolving story?”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Everybody has something going on in their heads, whether it’s your child, your romantic partner, your coworker, a client, or whoever. To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. It’s what we all crave; to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“People tend to regret not listening more than listening and tend to regret things they said more than things they didn't say. It seems giving people a piece of your mind isn't all it's cracked up to be. While you may feel a sense of urgency to tell people how you feel it's not always helpful. You are putting your ego ahead of the other person's vulnerability. This doesn't mean you have to be dishonest or self-effacing, but you do need to listen enough to know when the other person is ready to hear what you have to say. Not everything needs to be said as you are feeling it. In fact, sometimes it's better to wait until you aren't feeling it quite so strongly.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“When someone listens to you, it can feel so much like love, some people may not know the difference.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Listen to the opposing side as if they were going to have to write a newspaper or magazine article about them.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“A happy marriage is a long conversation that always seems too short.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“More encompassing than touch, our entire self vibrates with the sounds that are the expressed thoughts and feelings of another.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“the ancient Greek philosopher Epictetus said, “Nature hath given men one tongue but two ears, that we may hear from others twice as much as we speak.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Research by Graham Bodie, a professor of integrated marketing communication at the University of Mississippi, shows that people are more likely to feel understood if a listener responds not by nodding, parroting, or paraphrasing but by giving descriptive and evaluative information. Contrary to the idea that effective listening is some sort of passive exercise, Bodie's work reveals it requires interpretation and interplay. Your dog can "listen" to you. Siri or Alexa can "listen" to you. But ultimately, talking to your dog, Siri, or Alexa will prove unsatisfying because they won't respond in a thoughtful, feeling way, which is the measure of a good listener.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“But among those 150 people, Dunbar stressed that there are hierarchical "layers of friendship" determined by how much time you spend with the person. It's kind of like a wedding cake where the topmost layer consist of only one or two people—say, a spouse and best friend—with whom you are most intimate and interact daily. The next layer can accommodate at most four people for whom you have great affinity, affection, and concern. Friendships at this level require weekly attention to maintain. Out from there, the tiers contain more casual friends who you see less often and thus, your ties are more tenuous. Without consistent contact, they easily fall into the realm of acquaintance. At this point, you are friendly but not really friends, because you've lost touch with who they are, which is always evolving. You could easily have a beer with them, but you wouldn't miss them terribly, or even notice right way, if they moved out of town. Nor would they miss you.

An exception might be friends with whom you feel like you can pick up right where you left or even though you haven't talked to them for ages. According to Dunbar, these are usually friendships forged through extensive and deep listening at some point in your life, usually during an emotionally wrought time, like during college or early adulthood, or maybe during a personal crisis like an illness or divorce. It's almost as if you have banked a lot of listening that you can draw on later to help you understand and relate to that person even after significant time apart. Put another way, having listened well and often to someone in the past makes it easier to get back on the same wavelength when you get out of sync, perhaps due to physical separation or following a time of emotional distance caused by an argument.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Not listening because you don't agree with someone, you are self-absorbed, or you think you already know what someone will say makes you a bad listener. But not listening because you don't have the intellectual or emotional energy to listen at that moment makes you human. At that point, it's probably best to exit the conversation and circle back later.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“British language philosopher and theorist Paul Grice...summarised our conversational expectations in four maxims:
1. Maxim of Quality - we expect the truth.
2. Maxim of Quantity - we expect to get information we don't already know and not so much that we feel overwhelmed.
3. Maxim of Relation - we expect relevance and logical flow.
4. Maxim of Manner - we expect the speaker to be reasonably brief, orderly, and unambiguous.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Listening can be particularly challenging for introverts because they have so much busyness going on in their own heads that it's hard to make room for additional input. Because they tend to be sensitive, they may also reach saturation sooner. Listening can feel like an onslaught, making it difficult to continue listening, particularly when the speech-thought differential gives their minds occasion to drift.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“I think it's an issue trusting you can be imperfect in the conversation," [Monica Bill Barnes] said. "Listening is a matter of you deciding you don't need to worry about what to say next, which then allows someone else's opinions and ideas to get past your border defenses.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Research by Graham Bodie... shows that people are more likely to feel understood if a listener responds not by nodding, parroting, or paraphrasing, but by giving descriptive and evaluative information. Contrary to the idea that effective listening is some sort of passive exercise, Bodie's work reveals it requires interpretation and interplay. Your dog can "listen" to you. Siri or Alexa can "listen" to you. But ultimately talking to your dog, Siri, or Alexa will prove unsatisfying because they won't respond in a thoughtful, feeling way, which is the measure of a good listener. People want the sense you get why they are telling you the story -- what it means to them, not so much that you know the details of the story.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“[i]t's important to remember that what you know is a persona, not a person, and there's a bid difference. There's more than you can imagine below the surface.”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

“Silence is like white space in design, it surrounds what's important!”
― Kate Murphy, You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters