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It is way past time for men to gather together and speak openly about that most taboo of subjects �� our emotions and how we deal with them along with our opinions about having them. Most of us think that “real men�� are able to just “get over it,�� so to speak. Meantime, nothing could be further from the truth. We don’t know how to and the only emotion we seem to connect with is anger.

If we grew up with a father with issues of his own, we often found ourselves, at best, in the presence of impacted, distracted, diminished, emotionally stunted bizzaro imitations of mature healthy men �� who were often themselves subjected to these same ways of being when they were growing up.

Men like this impact their daughters by modeling this invented, imagined caricature of what “manliness�� is all about. It costs relationships and influences the way mothers raise sons. Suffice it to say that men and women who were not raised by and around men who modeled qualities like integrity, honor, compassion, sacrifice, humility and

humor unless they are aware of it ,unconsciously imitate the role models they were either connected to in real time -or through pop culture.

I am that man�� my father was verbally abused by his father. As a result, sarcasm and diminishing those he disagreed with also became my ways of being. I was taught to hate groups, rich people and anyone who believed in God. My writing was described as stupid �� and any dream I ever shared with him it was immediately dismissed as being impossible.

It was only after I did the Sterling Men’s Weekend in 2003 and @Legacy Discovery in 2006 that I began to recognize the patterns I had been repeating. I was mentored,

supported, confronted, loved and listened to by men. I began to relate to men from a place of connection and contribution, not confrontation. The world needs men to create our new normal- not the one based on TV shows, circumstances and scenarios, one that actually reflects and celebrates love, communication, a willingness to do the work to heal and the willingness to be supported by other men.

And so it is.

@CoachMeDave

Integrity is often spoken of in terms of our word �� and our relationship to it. I’m good at being on time. That’s pretty much it.

I hide out rather than make commitments that require being uncomfortable or unsure. I write down appointments that other people make with me �� but I don’t make appointments with myself; therefore, I don’t break my word since I haven’t given it.

I don’t ask questions that I don’t want the answer to. I judge myself harshly based on my perception that not connecting with others is a reflection of my own lack of talent, wisdom, worthiness, etc�� and I hope that I can survive in spite of all this.

That’s pretty much been business as usual.

Except that I have been willing to step outside of my comfort zone��

I recorded some new music recently and heard everything my producer/collaborator player /mixer/engineer arranger recommended as a huge gift and contribution. I’ve been advised/received feedback on what I thought were my vocal limitations to discover that being critiqued is not the horrible experience that it had been during my childhood; when , it had been given by people who didn’t like themselves.

Also, I discovered, again, that not holding myself to into account creates an atmosphere of withheld communications, struggle, suffering and drama and that kind of energy around me invariably comes back to bite me in the ass. No, thank you.

I am sharing this because preaching the power of vulnerability and transparency, along with the consistent practice of practices that support one’s well-being, must, and does, begin and end with me.

Always. All ways.

And, so it is.

Namaste and away we go��

@CoachMeDave

The value of listening to other people’s complaints is that I learn about myself . Being exposed to the covert complaints and beliefs of others, I am reminded that, I, too carry many of the same ones with me everywhere I go without realizing it- and then- out of feeling heard; then, I am able to begin looking at the beliefs that are underlying those which are actually running the show.

All of this is only possible when I am receptive to being open.

There is value everywhere.

@CoachMeDave

And so, as the year draws to a close, one may find oneself seemingly trapped with an experience of melancholy, regret, sadness, frustration, anger, longing, dissatisfaction and an array of assorted self-invalidations.

Everyone else falls into two categories:

1- The happy, celebratory fully loved and successful people.

2- The miserable people who post about how rough their life is.

At least it appears to be that way on the surface.

Consider a couple of alternative interpretations.

Perhaps all the “negative�� emotions we feel are a wake up call from our soul, our source, our beloved, adored, perfect, child of God and/or the Universe self, saying:

“ENOUGH! I need you to start feeding me love!

I don’t give a fuck about who didn’t love you- I need you to feed me love- NOW!

Lots of love �� all of it about how wonderful we are right now, and keep me fed, because I’m starving and starving people are angry people.

Don’t overwhelm me with humongous portions �� slow, steady statements accompanied by food that nourishes, practices, that nurture and facilitate growth and everyday (or as often as possible) recognize another vicious lie about how broken and horrible or undeserving of love we must be �� and must have been to feel what we feel.��

Nothing could be further from the truth. I have heard from more than a few people in conversations, remark how emotions, upsets and inquiries about difficult interactions were met with disparaging diminishing responses:

“What’s the big deal?��

“You’re too sensitive.��

“You ask too much of people.��

“I can’t deal with this.��

Eventually we come to believe that we are damaged, broken and wrong, and of course if we are, then others must be too.

( A complete and utter lie.)

Well that’s it for now.

Welcome all the emotions from the first paragraph. They can, if you are willing, point out what your soul is hungry for and needs for you to internally and eternally provide.

“HOW?????�� you may ask.

Wrong question, not how.

What, as in, what is important to me?

What are my values?

What do I want to learn this year?

What is love to me?

(Just a few possible questions)

The key is to begin �� not with the rush and fear and drama of a New Year’s resolution.

The key is to steadily, slowly, consistently discover your divinity as well as your shadow. Loving oneself is a lifetime practice and its results are often not obvious, merely deeply, moving and fulfilling.

And the last thing �� don’t go on this journey alone. The more we communicate what we’re up to, to the more highly trained people, masterful in the art of being deserving, loved, mentally, spiritually and every other way, truly healthy will become the new standard the planet and our soul longs to know and to be.

To 2017 and beyond.

Namaste and away��..

@CoachMeDave

1- If you love and crave touch, you will not change someone who was raised with a stingy, judgmental background, undistinguished by them as such. They will think that what they do is normal and that you are too needy.(“I don’t go for all that touchy �� feely stuff.��)

2- You are not doing a potential partner a favor by accepting his/her beliefs that impact your life �� whether in the area of money, sex, human development, gender or race. When I mentioned that I had gotten tremendous value from both participating and being on the training teams of mens�� weekends- a recent acquaintance remarked that her new frequent companion had said upon hearing this:

“Mens�� weekends? They’re probably all gay.”��. as if that would be important. That diminishing nasty tone is one they bring everywhere- and it is not your job to rescue, fix, rehabilitate, or in any way, shape or form,to try to save them. They don’t want to be saved and are quite content in their anger and misery. Let them be.

3- Notice what people accept in their lives. I found it extraordinary that a relatively newly married couple would not be making sure that the well being of both partners was a joint priority, not something which required permission or negotiation. Most marriage vows usually include love, honor and cherish. Ask beforehand what your potential mate believes about these words, after you have been dating for a while��

4- Notice whether you and your inner sanctum/cartel/significant other/family gossip/talk shit about other people…If you do- stop /desist/cease immediately. as sure as God made little green apples, you will be the subject sooner than later.

5- Jealousy/suspicion/ anger collapsed with “passion��.

Run the other way. No excuses. No kidding��

I love you. Lots of folks do. Your turn.

Namaste, yours��

@CoachMeDave

I said something different yesterday to myself. I find it very useful when I begin to doubt or panic, to speak softly to myself, in the loving tone, which is something that I did not grow up with. Recently, I would repeat “Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe…�� or “All is well ,all is well…�� or “You got this,�� in conjunction with the other two, and I’ve found it to be very effective.

Except in the area of producing results. These affirmations have been more about a kind of gracious survival, an enlightened interpretation that still keeps me in familiar circumstances- and one of the key elements that I love about this process is that when I do catch myself in enlightened survival mode, it literally makes me laugh out loud (people look at me funny- but, whatever��)

Yesterday, as I began to stress about not managing my time effectively, I said something different.

“This is easy. No problem. This is easy.��

And everything in my day was easy, except for when my beliefs that I’m a bother kicked in, for a brief few moments��

But I’m writing this this morning because I’ve struggled with creating a core belief that replaces every single diminishing one that I have carried with me forever, as it creates a vibration that makes delicious delightful real time occurrences frequent, and a whole new level of peace and ease possible…and frankly, money.

Lots of it. Enough to say yes to great experiences and a life filled with: travel, education, connection, music, creation, intimacy, play and growth for myself and anyone willing to allow it in as well.

“This is easy. No problem. This is easy. Breathe. You got this. This is easy.�� And continue to repeat��

@CoachMe Dave

One of the scariest things that I know of, is being, greatly admired; this sounds weird because one might assume that it’s what everybody wants.

But it’s not just being admired- it’s the tone and whether or not you believe the person sees you as an answer waiting to happen or an access to a different life, or perhaps, with the right amount of connection and good works, a potential mate or financial resource -or some other solution or salvation.

Part of it is not deserving of actually having a great partner and a resource to an abundant life, at least not yet. Part of it is the long buried (or not so much) resignation, cynicism, sadness and other diminishing beliefs passed down from miserable, wounded, dysfunctional people from generation to generation. Another part of it is our comfort in the small, safe corner of the world where we hide, rather than having the willingness to begin to discover the divinity and humor, play and delight that is truly our birthright, being on this planet.

Other people’s anger including those who say they know and care is always based in their own fear of the unfamiliar and the need to desperately be right about the wrongness of life and people, love, work, art, gender, children and themselves and everything.

Resistance to a healthy, positive shift in being is a slow kind of death. Life and the willingness to explore, inquire, alter and/or release always with the context that loving ourselves completely is a #timewellspent lifetime engagement �� this is a wonderful and generous gift to share with others.

Then, having a new connection to our own light we could see it more often in others and begin to create a very different world.

And by the way, this all only works OUT LOUD. Talk to someone soon.

There is only now. I love you. I am you.

�����������ٱ�,�ڲ�����������.

@CoachMeDave

“Time to bring the hammer down,�� he said. “I’ve put up with her shit for a long time and now it’s my turn.��

“Hammer,�� I responded. “Hmmm…��

“Let me ask you a question. Pretend we weren’t talking about the woman you promised to love and honor and cherish who is also the mother of your children. Pretend we are talking about a jagged piece of wood with nails sticking out of it. How would you be able to transform that situation? Would you bring the hammer down- or would you use it differently- perhaps using the claw part to remove the nails in order to free up the wood?��

“Yes,�� he said.

“Then, what would be the next tool you might use?��

He sighed. “Sandpaper to smooth out the rough, jagged edges.��

There was a moment of silence and then he said in a very different tone of voice-

“I never thought of it that way before.��

Indeed. Perhaps life is not only about having the tools �� it’s also about the intention we bring to the use of them.

@CoachMeDave

1- Be clear about why you are going. I never have a good time when I am attached to what I desperately want, hope or need to happen.

In fact, I suffer, pout and wonder why life is so unfair.

2- You don’t have to go to every event. Send a donation if it’s a fundraiser and send them good vibes.

3- Appreciate that everyone has different viewpoints of what feels good or is classic, classy or wonderful. Take pleasure in their enjoyment.

4- Unless you are participating at the event or have committed to being there at a particular time- show up when it works for you and leave accordingly.

5- If you are going because you want to be there and look forward to all the various aspects, then do so joyously �� in your own way.

6- If you can’t get out of your own way, talk to someone before you go and not just five minutes before the event. And, be honest why you are calling.

If it is to get agreement with your perception, that’s a waste of time. If it is to re -contextualize without invalidating, that is awesome.

By the way, this includes all events: family gatherings, job interviews, dates, etc�� you know �� life.

7- Breathe.

@CoachMeDave

I’m writing about this subject because I finally have some clarity around the depth of conflict, confusion and joy in the loving of or in the being of a charismatic introvert.

Yes, I know there are other names for this way of being- and if it sounds contradictory, it is. You have go back to the early part of the 20th century when Dale Carnegie first popularized the thought that being an extrovert was good and right and being an introvert was flawed. So, for many people who discovered that being rewarded with love was reliant on achievement and performance and excellence, they, in fact, did that all the while harboring a sense of shame in not feeling they were safe to express to people how exhausting being that way was, physically, spiritually and emotionally. And, if you add on traumatic experiences, the compensating becomes even deeper and more important, in fact, a matter of survival.

And then we come along, and we see this brilliant beautiful, incredible creature who enthralls, captivates and touches us in every way a human being can feel, and it may appear to be mutual and it may even be for awhile.

BUT-

eventually the years and fears and suppressed tears take hold �� particularly when tried and true strategies no longer work and circumstances become overwhelming �� and the charismatic introvert flees,disappears or lets some of that long standing rage and resentment bubble over and get all over people who just want to love and be loved by them- and I know that experience all too well.

So I write this today, almost a year to the day, having experienced this myself to say to everyone mating, dating or even looking, ask your potential knockout incredible, once in a lifetime, too good to be true match what their thoughts are about boundaries, space and time alone in a relationship- and listen closely- because even though you might desperately want it to be a match- you might actually want to honor what you need and deserve- and the willingness to do so will reveal the abundance of options many of us don’t know that we don’t know.

And to my charismatic introverts- don’t change. Consider that creating a scenario in which you do get to have it all,in which your boundaries and needs are honored and respected requires baby steps of courage and willingness- when and if you are ever ready.

Or not. There is no shame or blame or guilt in love.

Namaste y’all.

With mad love and respect,

Dave Rudbarg

@CoachMeDave