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208 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1909
We pupils all know, one as well as the next, that timidity is a punishable offence. Whoever stutters and shows fear is exposed to the scorn of our Fraulein, but we must be small, and we must know, know precisely, that we are nothing big. The law which commands, the discipline which compels, and the many unmerciful rules which give us a direction and give us good taste: that is the big thing, not us pupils. Well, everyone feels this, even I do, that we are small, poor dependent dwarfs, obliged to be continuously obedient.
To me, for instance, wearing a uniform is very pleasant because I never did know, before, what clothes to put on. But in this, too, I am a mystery to myself for the time being. Perhaps there is a very very commonplace person inside me. But perhaps I have aristocratic blood in my veins. I don't know. But one thing I do know for certain: in later life I shall be a charming, utterly spherical zero. As an old man I shall have to serve young and confident and badly educated ruffians, or I shall be a beggar, or I shall perish.
When I see candles burning, I always feel that I am wealthy.
Then Virtue came in, a female figure of overwhelming beauty for anyone not frozen rigid, and weeping. I took her on my knee and fooled around with her. When I had robbed her of her unspeakable treasure, the Ideal, I chased her out with derision�
“Nada deseo con más franqueza que la insinceridad, y nunca soy mejor persona que cuando finjo que soy malo�Tras esta paradójica confesión en los primeros pasajes de la novela, ¿no deberíamos dudar de todo lo que en su diario escribe este extraño ser procedente de una familia aristocrática que pretende convencernos de su propósito y de la conveniencia de vivir como un sirviente? ¿No es esta una decisión altamente contradictoria con el placer que extrae de la trasgresión de la ley; con su fuerte tendencia a la provocación desde la irreverencia del descreído; con el gusto con el que arremete sarcásticamente contra todo y contra todos en el instituto (con una…no, dos gloriosas excepciones); con el irónico escepticismo con el que atiende a los consejos de su hermano, el importante, el adaptado, el que sabe que “no hay nada, absolutamente nada digno de desearse�, que “todo está podrido� y que, sin embargo, aconseja el anhelo apasionado? ¿Quién es realmente este ser que afirma no querer ser amado ni deseado, que dice no reconocer verdades, no encontrar significados y que, no obstante, desde “este creer-saber y este nunca-saber-nada-sin-embargo� nos dice que quiere vivir “sea como sea�? ¿No es justo esto lo que busca, resaltar la paradoja que es querer vivir, las inevitables contradicciones en las que caemos al empeñarnos en seguir con nuestras vidas, siendo un empeño que no nos es atribuible directamente?
I do like people who get angry. Kraus gets angry on the slightest pretext. That is so beautiful, so noble. The sinner must always be faced with the person outraged, or else something would be missing. The mumbling of a grumbler is lovelier to me than the murmuring of a woodland stream.
To be supposed not to do something is so alluring sometimes that one can’t help doing it. Therefore I love so deeply every compulsion, because it allows me to take joy in what is illicit. If there were no commandments, no duties in the world, I would die, starve, be crippled by boredom. I provoke the frowning law to anger a little, afterwards I make the effort to pacify it.
Sly and knowing people are to me an unspeakable abomination. How nice Peter is, in precisely this point. His being tall, so tall that he could crack in two, is good, but even better is the goodness of heart which keeps whispering to him that he is a cavalier and has the looks of a noble rake.
nothing pleases me more than to give a completely false image of myself to people for whom I have made a place in my heart…Thus for example, I imagine that it would be unspeakably lovely to die with the terrible knowledge that I have offended whomsoever I love the most and have filled them with bad opinions of me. Nobody will understand that, or only someone who can sense tremblings of beauty in defiance.
I pay attention, and that makes life more beautiful, for if we don't have to pay attention there really is no life.
I despise my capacity for thinking. I value only experiences, and these, as a rule, are quite independent of all thinking and comparing. Thus I value the way in which I open a door. There is more hidden life in opening a door than in asking a question.
Mich zum Beispiel würden die Punkte, die ihn verunzieren, nicht im mindesten hindern, ihn zu küssen, wenn es darauf ankäme.
For my part, those spots that spoil his looks would not prevent me from kissing him, if it was necessary.Under what circumstances would it be necessary, I wonder?
"Yet everything does provoke one to question and compare and remember. Certainly one must think, one must even think a great deal. But to comply, that is much more refined, much more than thinking. If one thinks, one resists, and that is always so ugly and ruinous to things."