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عنصر الصداقة الأساسي : كيف تزداد قربا ممن تهتم بأمرهم
لجأ ما يزيد على مليون قارئ إلى هذا الكتاب لمعرفة الأسرار الكامة وراء العلاقات الهادفة. في هذا الكتاب يوضح الدكتور "آلان لوي ماكجينيس" الذي يعمل مستشار ورجل دين، أن عنصر الصداقة الأساسي-العنصر الأساسي للدفء والرعاية- يكمن في جوهر كل علاقة. ولأن الصداقة تمثل نقطة الانطلاق لكل علاقة تتسم بالحب والحميمية، نج أن "ماكجينيس" يوضح لقراءه السبل التي مكن من خلالها التواصل مع الآخرين بشكل أفضل، وحل المشاكل والتوترات التي قد تشهدها علاقاتهم بالاخرين. ومن خلال الاستشهاد بخبرات المشاهير وتجاربهم في هذا الشأن من أمثال "جورج بيرنز" و"هوارد هيوجز" و " سي-إس. لويس" يقدم "ماكجينيس" أسرار كيفية حب الآخرين والاستحواذ على حبهم.
289 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1978
141 people are currently reading
1,703 people want to read
About the author
Alan Loy McGinnis
37books38followersAlan Loy McGinnis was an author, Christian psychotherapist, and founder and director of the Valley Counseling Center in Glendale, California, United States. Today there are over 3 million copies of his books in print. Wikipedia
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 89 reviews
August 6, 2011
I still remember the day I found a copy of this at Word Bookstore across the road from Flinder St Station in Melbourne. At the time, I had no deep friendships and I craved for that to change or I knew I'd kill myself. This book literally changed my life as it gave me practical, rather than theoretical, tips and tools on how to build deep relationships.
Since then, many friendships in my life have come and gone, but I'm also proud to say that I now have a small number of close friends whom I have been friends with for a decade or more (I'm 35, just so you get that this is more impressive than it sounds).
I've never found another book that equals this one for its simplicity and readability � and most of all, the fact that it works. If you want better friendships read it and pass it on to anyone who needs better friends.
Since then, many friendships in my life have come and gone, but I'm also proud to say that I now have a small number of close friends whom I have been friends with for a decade or more (I'm 35, just so you get that this is more impressive than it sounds).
I've never found another book that equals this one for its simplicity and readability � and most of all, the fact that it works. If you want better friendships read it and pass it on to anyone who needs better friends.
April 21, 2017
كوني لم اقرأ الكثير في مجال علم النفس ، ولو قرأت الكثير يصعب تحديد النسبة المقارنة بين كتاب وآخر وذلك بسبب كثرة الفروع ، ولكن " لاشك " أن لهذا الكتاب الرائع جدا والذي قد كتبه الطبيب النفسي آلان لوي الذي اتخذ من قصصه الواقعية مع مرضاه أو القصص الواقعة والملهمة ينبوعاً متدفق من الأحاسيس والمشاعر لاشك أن له وقع خاص ومكانة مرموقة بين الكتب الرائعة في هذا المجال . كذلك لفت نظري رؤيتنا الخاطئة لبعض الامور والتي أصبحت متعارف عليها إلى الحد الذي كنا نعتقد بها كحلول وهي في الواقع تأخر ضبط الانفجار الذي يزداد قوة بسبب تأخيره أو تأجيله ! لا أبالغ أني تفاجأت لأني لم أجد النسخة العربية مدرجة في هذا الموقع وهنا أخص بالشكر الجزيل لأحد الاصدقاء على ادراجه بعد طلبي منه . أنصح به بشدة .
March 19, 2020
Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani? Czyli jak zadałem sobie pokutę.
Niestety padłszy ofiarą własnej nieuwagi sięgnąłem po poradnik, który nijak się ma do okładki, a napisy nań kłamliwe są bardziej niż najbardziej bezczelne reklamy wytworów mrozowego pióra. Nie zauważyłem subtelnych znaków mówiących „Johnson, nein! To nie dla Ciebie książka, to nie z Twojej bajki, nie z Twojej strony barykady, nie dla Twojego czarnego serca pompującego smołę�. Nie zauważyłem ani wydawnictwa Vocatio (wezwanie) z logiem przypominającym krzyż, nie zauważyłem polecaczy książki, tj. Radia Chrześcijanin czy aleteia.pl, i boskiej strony kobiet. To ostatnie przecież może mieć zastosowanie w wielu produkcjach, wydaniach i innych objawach ludzkiej kreatywności. Książka to nic innego jak mocno zogniskowany na chrześcijańskie porady� poradnik. Miałem nadzieję na poradnik o relacjach międzyludzkich z naleciałościami jakiegoś pewnie coachingu, ale od 13 strony wjechał na papier Jezus i tak już się został. Dziełko nie ma nic wspólnego z tytułową sztuką przyjaźni, a 16 wydanie spod znaku wydawnictwa katolickiego, a nie naukowego (!) także powinno dać do myślenia. To jest tylko i wyłącznie dla mocno wierzących katolików, jeżeli do tego momentu Wam wystarczy, to koniec recenzji.
Ja się jednak będę pastwił dalej. Dlaczego jedna gwiazdka i kwalifikacja jako katastrofa literacka? óż:
1. Aspiracja i Autorytety. Kiedyś czytałem taką książkę o cip... O waginie i jej postrzeganiu na przestrzeni dziejów. Książka luźna, trochę z humorem, mimo iż mocno faktograficzna nie siliła się na miano naukowej. Kompletnie bez nadęcia, na luzie, a bardzo ciekawa i obfitująca w informacje. Natomiast Sztuka przyjaźni usilnie aspiruje do niewiadomojakiego i niewiadomojakprofesjonalnego poradnika, którego autor to podobno nawet psycholog i psychoterapeuta. A więc pan psycholog i psychoterapeuta sili się na pseudonaukowość. Jak to robi? Ano powołuje się na badania. Na jakie mógłbyś czytelniku zapytać? Nie wiadomo. Zostały przeprowadzone i tyle. Kropka. Dalej mamy powoływanie się na autorytety i mnogość cytatów. Jakie? Jako przykład wzywani są: Jezus (chrześcijański), Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln. Tak. Cytowani są... autorzy nowel z XIX wieku. Ale poetów też nie brakuje. Nie ma co, autorytety psychologii relacji międzyludzkich. Poza tym jeżeli już cytuje się "naukowców" to na zasadzie "pewien znany psychiatra...". Szczerze? Ja bym już wolał "tata a Marcin powiedział...". Ale to takie typowe dla podobnych wydawnictw budowanie wątpliwych przykładów pod tezę. Nie masz wiedzieć, masz wierzyć.
2. I musi seks być w poradniku o relacjach. A więc seks. Dokument na HBO o księdzu piszącym poradnik o seksie dla katolickich par o wdzięcznym tytule „I Bóg stworzył seks� (jest na jutubie za fryko) dostarcza więcej wiarygodnych informacji w temacie niż niniejszy volumen. O tym, że ta książka to żart, ustanawiam się w przekonaniu na stronie 28, gdzie: „Większość Małżeństw nie dyskutuje ze sobą o sprawach seksu�. Naprawdę? No ja rozumiem, że pierwsze wydanie jest z lat 70, ale w 2020 wypadałoby zaktualizować swoją wiedzę, przed reedycją. Tak wiem, religia katolicka nie aktualizuje swoich wydawnictw od około tysiąca lat 😉 No i fakt, nie jest to publikacja naukowa. Ale na litość Boga! A pardą!
3. Redakcja i coś na kształt treści. No tu już w ogóle dramatum na zasadzie książeczki modlitewnej, a raczej zbioru krótkich kazań do snu. Każdy rozdział kończy się jednym zdaniem, którym się właściwie zaczyna. Taka rzec można myśl przewodnia. Można było na tym poprzestać i zaoszczędzić 195 stron papieru i tuszu. Książka w swojej infantylności tłumaczy niczym dziecku dlaczego warto i fajnie być miłym. Raczej oczywista oczywistość niż tytułowa sztuka. Mniej więcej od połowy książka zamienia się w poradnik małżeński więc być może takie osoby znajdą w niej coś dla siebie. Kilka zdań, dosłownie kilka zdań to w miarę logiczny poradnik anger issues control. Także nie ma dramatu w 100%. Ale! Żeby nie było za dobrze to
4. I musi seks być 2: Przez kilka stron dalej lecimy o Erosie budzącym się w przyjaźni damsko męskiej. Autor namawia wręcz do zawierania przyjaźni z płcią przeciwną, koniecznie! Dlaczego? Być może potrzebuje podstawy do następnego rozdziału, o budzącym się w takiej przyjaźni erosie. Cóż za chrześcijański masochizm, właśnie z płcią przeciwną ma być przyjaźń, a dlaczego � masz czuć zakazy cudzołożenia! Są po ty by nas chronić. Ale musisz czuć męki. Bo jak dalej pisze autor seksualnie błądzisz! Więc jak już masz przyjaciółkę i bardzo Ci sięjej chce ona podoba, to LUZ, po prostu nie myśl o tym, samo przejdzie. Tak. Totalnie tak to działa 😊 Boli Cię noga? Chce Ci się siku? Nie myśl o tym. Tak wiem, jesteśmy ludźmi i panujemy nad popędami, ale! Autor w braku elementarnej wiedzy biologicznej poraża swoją ignorancją nakazując odbiec myślami na inne tory.
5. Garść złośliwości. Reedycja tej mocno nieaktualnej społecznie książki to gruba pomyłka. No ale co ja tam wiem, to w końcu wydanie szesnaste! Być może korona wytłucze z 70% populacji i będzie trzeba kształtować stosunki społeczne od nowa na przykładzie 300 letnich postaci, papieża sprzed lat i Jezusa? Przecież te 30% co zostanie niekoniecznie musi być odpowiednio rozumne. A więc książka jak znalazł, a wydawcy wyczuli niszę! Opcjonalnie papier. You know�
6. Przeginam ze złości. W dobie dzisiejszych samotnych spacerów w kilkumilionowym mieście można było mieć nadzieję na garść porad, ale takich treściwych niczym vifon na przeciwko innych zupek (vifony są super). Ale Jezus? Jan XXIII? Franklin? Przyjaźń w ich wydaniu? Nope.
18.03.2020 r., Książkę otrzymałem z klubu recenzenta nakanapie.pl
Niestety padłszy ofiarą własnej nieuwagi sięgnąłem po poradnik, który nijak się ma do okładki, a napisy nań kłamliwe są bardziej niż najbardziej bezczelne reklamy wytworów mrozowego pióra. Nie zauważyłem subtelnych znaków mówiących „Johnson, nein! To nie dla Ciebie książka, to nie z Twojej bajki, nie z Twojej strony barykady, nie dla Twojego czarnego serca pompującego smołę�. Nie zauważyłem ani wydawnictwa Vocatio (wezwanie) z logiem przypominającym krzyż, nie zauważyłem polecaczy książki, tj. Radia Chrześcijanin czy aleteia.pl, i boskiej strony kobiet. To ostatnie przecież może mieć zastosowanie w wielu produkcjach, wydaniach i innych objawach ludzkiej kreatywności. Książka to nic innego jak mocno zogniskowany na chrześcijańskie porady� poradnik. Miałem nadzieję na poradnik o relacjach międzyludzkich z naleciałościami jakiegoś pewnie coachingu, ale od 13 strony wjechał na papier Jezus i tak już się został. Dziełko nie ma nic wspólnego z tytułową sztuką przyjaźni, a 16 wydanie spod znaku wydawnictwa katolickiego, a nie naukowego (!) także powinno dać do myślenia. To jest tylko i wyłącznie dla mocno wierzących katolików, jeżeli do tego momentu Wam wystarczy, to koniec recenzji.
Ja się jednak będę pastwił dalej. Dlaczego jedna gwiazdka i kwalifikacja jako katastrofa literacka? óż:
1. Aspiracja i Autorytety. Kiedyś czytałem taką książkę o cip... O waginie i jej postrzeganiu na przestrzeni dziejów. Książka luźna, trochę z humorem, mimo iż mocno faktograficzna nie siliła się na miano naukowej. Kompletnie bez nadęcia, na luzie, a bardzo ciekawa i obfitująca w informacje. Natomiast Sztuka przyjaźni usilnie aspiruje do niewiadomojakiego i niewiadomojakprofesjonalnego poradnika, którego autor to podobno nawet psycholog i psychoterapeuta. A więc pan psycholog i psychoterapeuta sili się na pseudonaukowość. Jak to robi? Ano powołuje się na badania. Na jakie mógłbyś czytelniku zapytać? Nie wiadomo. Zostały przeprowadzone i tyle. Kropka. Dalej mamy powoływanie się na autorytety i mnogość cytatów. Jakie? Jako przykład wzywani są: Jezus (chrześcijański), Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln. Tak. Cytowani są... autorzy nowel z XIX wieku. Ale poetów też nie brakuje. Nie ma co, autorytety psychologii relacji międzyludzkich. Poza tym jeżeli już cytuje się "naukowców" to na zasadzie "pewien znany psychiatra...". Szczerze? Ja bym już wolał "tata a Marcin powiedział...". Ale to takie typowe dla podobnych wydawnictw budowanie wątpliwych przykładów pod tezę. Nie masz wiedzieć, masz wierzyć.
2. I musi seks być w poradniku o relacjach. A więc seks. Dokument na HBO o księdzu piszącym poradnik o seksie dla katolickich par o wdzięcznym tytule „I Bóg stworzył seks� (jest na jutubie za fryko) dostarcza więcej wiarygodnych informacji w temacie niż niniejszy volumen. O tym, że ta książka to żart, ustanawiam się w przekonaniu na stronie 28, gdzie: „Większość Małżeństw nie dyskutuje ze sobą o sprawach seksu�. Naprawdę? No ja rozumiem, że pierwsze wydanie jest z lat 70, ale w 2020 wypadałoby zaktualizować swoją wiedzę, przed reedycją. Tak wiem, religia katolicka nie aktualizuje swoich wydawnictw od około tysiąca lat 😉 No i fakt, nie jest to publikacja naukowa. Ale na litość Boga! A pardą!
3. Redakcja i coś na kształt treści. No tu już w ogóle dramatum na zasadzie książeczki modlitewnej, a raczej zbioru krótkich kazań do snu. Każdy rozdział kończy się jednym zdaniem, którym się właściwie zaczyna. Taka rzec można myśl przewodnia. Można było na tym poprzestać i zaoszczędzić 195 stron papieru i tuszu. Książka w swojej infantylności tłumaczy niczym dziecku dlaczego warto i fajnie być miłym. Raczej oczywista oczywistość niż tytułowa sztuka. Mniej więcej od połowy książka zamienia się w poradnik małżeński więc być może takie osoby znajdą w niej coś dla siebie. Kilka zdań, dosłownie kilka zdań to w miarę logiczny poradnik anger issues control. Także nie ma dramatu w 100%. Ale! Żeby nie było za dobrze to
4. I musi seks być 2: Przez kilka stron dalej lecimy o Erosie budzącym się w przyjaźni damsko męskiej. Autor namawia wręcz do zawierania przyjaźni z płcią przeciwną, koniecznie! Dlaczego? Być może potrzebuje podstawy do następnego rozdziału, o budzącym się w takiej przyjaźni erosie. Cóż za chrześcijański masochizm, właśnie z płcią przeciwną ma być przyjaźń, a dlaczego � masz czuć zakazy cudzołożenia! Są po ty by nas chronić. Ale musisz czuć męki. Bo jak dalej pisze autor seksualnie błądzisz! Więc jak już masz przyjaciółkę i bardzo Ci się
5. Garść złośliwości. Reedycja tej mocno nieaktualnej społecznie książki to gruba pomyłka. No ale co ja tam wiem, to w końcu wydanie szesnaste! Być może korona wytłucze z 70% populacji i będzie trzeba kształtować stosunki społeczne od nowa na przykładzie 300 letnich postaci, papieża sprzed lat i Jezusa? Przecież te 30% co zostanie niekoniecznie musi być odpowiednio rozumne. A więc książka jak znalazł, a wydawcy wyczuli niszę! Opcjonalnie papier. You know�
6. Przeginam ze złości. W dobie dzisiejszych samotnych spacerów w kilkumilionowym mieście można było mieć nadzieję na garść porad, ale takich treściwych niczym vifon na przeciwko innych zupek (vifony są super). Ale Jezus? Jan XXIII? Franklin? Przyjaźń w ich wydaniu? Nope.
18.03.2020 r., Książkę otrzymałem z klubu recenzenta nakanapie.pl
September 3, 2012
reading this book will tell you how much complicate we make our lives or how easy it is.....
1. Talk about every problem and there's none, believe me.
2. Go easy. That's it.
1. Talk about every problem and there's none, believe me.
2. Go easy. That's it.
March 10, 2011
It has been some time since I have written a review for lack of time to read for pleasure anymore. However, in my Basic Communication class we were required to read The Friendship Factor by Alan Loy McGinnis. I’ll admit I started the book reluctantly even though my instructor reassured us that it would be a “keeper�. Now that I’ve finished it, I’m glad I did.
No matter what one has been through, chances are he or she has been through hardships in some sort of relationship, and I am no exception to that rule. The Friendship Factor touches on points that many people, myself included, never really sit down to think about in a relationship. There were quite a few great things that McGinnis mentioned throughout the book, but a few have stuck with me in the last couple weeks that it’s been assigned to read.
First, McGinnis has Five Guidelines for Cultivating Intimacy in the second part of his book. I’ll list each of the chapter titles and give a summary of what I learned from each.
1. Please Touch- Use your body to demonstrate warmth—touch is for everyone (including me).
2. The Art of Affirmation- Be liberal with praise—instilling self-confidence in others can boost your own.
3. A Coffee-Cup Concept of Marriage- Schedule leisurely breaks for conversation—fifteen minutes of sit-down-stop-everything-else time is enough to keep a marriage—or friendship—going.
4. How to Improve Your Conversational Skills-Learn to listen—listening is the single most important thing in any relationship; hearing and listening aren’t the same.
5. When Tears Are a Gift from God-Talk freely about your feelings—while you don’t have to disclose everything with everyone, you should be able to talk about your feelings with at least one or two close friends.
Secondly, the only thing I actually wrote down from this book is from the chapter entitled Six Techniques to Help You Get Angry without Becoming Destructive. I put each in my own words:
1. Talk about feelings, not faults.
2. Stick to one topic, don’t bring up the past
3. Allow time for response
4. Vent and resolve, don’t come and conquer
5. Don’t drink and argue
6. Criticize, then show affection
That’s what I mainly took away from the book; and Dr. Smith was right when he said it’s a keeper. I recommend this book to anyone, regardless of if you think your relationships are going well or not. I will end this with two quotes from the book that really stood out.
�"A true apology is more than just acknowledgement of a mistake. It is recognition that something you have said or done has damaged a relationship -- and that you -care- enough about the relationship to want it repaired and restored."
--Norman Vincent Peale
�"Someday, after we have mastered the winds and the waves, the tides, and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love, and then for the second time in the history of the world...[we] will have discovered fire."
--Teilhard de Chardin
No matter what one has been through, chances are he or she has been through hardships in some sort of relationship, and I am no exception to that rule. The Friendship Factor touches on points that many people, myself included, never really sit down to think about in a relationship. There were quite a few great things that McGinnis mentioned throughout the book, but a few have stuck with me in the last couple weeks that it’s been assigned to read.
First, McGinnis has Five Guidelines for Cultivating Intimacy in the second part of his book. I’ll list each of the chapter titles and give a summary of what I learned from each.
1. Please Touch- Use your body to demonstrate warmth—touch is for everyone (including me).
2. The Art of Affirmation- Be liberal with praise—instilling self-confidence in others can boost your own.
3. A Coffee-Cup Concept of Marriage- Schedule leisurely breaks for conversation—fifteen minutes of sit-down-stop-everything-else time is enough to keep a marriage—or friendship—going.
4. How to Improve Your Conversational Skills-Learn to listen—listening is the single most important thing in any relationship; hearing and listening aren’t the same.
5. When Tears Are a Gift from God-Talk freely about your feelings—while you don’t have to disclose everything with everyone, you should be able to talk about your feelings with at least one or two close friends.
Secondly, the only thing I actually wrote down from this book is from the chapter entitled Six Techniques to Help You Get Angry without Becoming Destructive. I put each in my own words:
1. Talk about feelings, not faults.
2. Stick to one topic, don’t bring up the past
3. Allow time for response
4. Vent and resolve, don’t come and conquer
5. Don’t drink and argue
6. Criticize, then show affection
That’s what I mainly took away from the book; and Dr. Smith was right when he said it’s a keeper. I recommend this book to anyone, regardless of if you think your relationships are going well or not. I will end this with two quotes from the book that really stood out.
�"A true apology is more than just acknowledgement of a mistake. It is recognition that something you have said or done has damaged a relationship -- and that you -care- enough about the relationship to want it repaired and restored."
--Norman Vincent Peale
�"Someday, after we have mastered the winds and the waves, the tides, and gravity, we will harness for God the energies of love, and then for the second time in the history of the world...[we] will have discovered fire."
--Teilhard de Chardin
January 12, 2020
I’ve been wanting to read this book ever since I’ve read one of his books. It’s almost impossible to find one in the Philippines but, happy happenstance, my persistence to get a hold of this book paid off!
It was such a delightful read. It has a basic message for nurturing healthy and lasting friendships. This affirms that the simple things do matter in the way we communicate our needs, desires, concern and love for the people we hold dear.
It’s no wonder that this became an international best seller. The message is simple yet can escape from even our best intentions everyday. It takes skill, discipline, and grace to nurture the friendships we have.
What a way to start the year � to have finished my first book of the year! Highly recommended.
It was such a delightful read. It has a basic message for nurturing healthy and lasting friendships. This affirms that the simple things do matter in the way we communicate our needs, desires, concern and love for the people we hold dear.
It’s no wonder that this became an international best seller. The message is simple yet can escape from even our best intentions everyday. It takes skill, discipline, and grace to nurture the friendships we have.
What a way to start the year � to have finished my first book of the year! Highly recommended.
April 2, 2012
This book sounded like it would be right up my alley because I am a robot who is incapable of simulating a basic interpersonal connection.
Awesome. Sold.
The book started to lose me around the part where he talks about the woman with low self esteem, and he's like, "and then SEVERAL people told her she was pretty, and she was cured forever!"
The chapter on touch didn't sit well with me either, because after citing all this research about how good touch is for your brain, he's like, "so men, you should acquiesce to arbitrary social norms and just pat each other on the back once in a while. Do it while talking about sportsball so that it doesn't seem gay."
Fuck that, y'all. I'm coming at all your faces with GIANT HUGS.
Awesome. Sold.
The book started to lose me around the part where he talks about the woman with low self esteem, and he's like, "and then SEVERAL people told her she was pretty, and she was cured forever!"
The chapter on touch didn't sit well with me either, because after citing all this research about how good touch is for your brain, he's like, "so men, you should acquiesce to arbitrary social norms and just pat each other on the back once in a while. Do it while talking about sportsball so that it doesn't seem gay."
Fuck that, y'all. I'm coming at all your faces with GIANT HUGS.
January 20, 2013
I First read this book when I was a teen.... It made such an impact on me that It has been with me ever since!! I am so delighted to know that it is still in print. If you have a soon-to-be-Graduate in your life, this is an excellent gift!! A great book to start one's life library. Or for that matter, it is a fantastic read for anyone of any age!
September 12, 2017
Excellent book! Easy to read with a lot of good psychological and practical truths.
This one is worth reading. Put it on your short list.
This one is worth reading. Put it on your short list.
April 17, 2015
من أروع ما قرأت في تطوير الذات.. الصداقة شيء مهم في حياتنا ولولا الصداقة لما استطاع أي شخص الاستمرار في حياته بشكلٍ طبيعي. هذا الكتاب يتيح لنا الفرصة بكل بساطة من تعلم قواعد وعناصر الصداقة الأساسية لنزداد قرباً ممن نحب فعلا وممن نهتم بأمرهم.. شكرًا سيد ماكجينيس على هذا الكتاب الذي أعده حاليا مرجعاً لي
April 27, 2012
Haven't read this in a few years, thought it was time for a re-read. A good decision, I think - I'm learning so much from this book that I don't even remember reading the last time.
September 8, 2021
blah blah blah psychobabble blah blah famous person quote blah famous person quote famous person quote blah blah Jesus psychobabble blah famous person quote famous person quote famous person quote famous person quote blah blah Jesus had friends blah blah
clearly i did not get much out of this book.
clearly i did not get much out of this book.
March 29, 2025
A classic with great information and timeless recommendations.
April 16, 2020
I think this book would be best read in a study group.
January 9, 2018
CAP. 1 - RASPLATA GENEROASA A PRIETENIEI
--> "Cei care nu au prieteni au de obicei o capacitate redusa de a se bucura de orice tip de dragoste. "
--> "...am convenit la sf. orei ca atat timp cat avea o confidenta, nu avea nevoie de un psihoterapet."
-->"Desi nu-mi voi intelege niciodata complet pacientii, scopul meu este sa stau langa ei atunci cand se analizeaza pe ei insisi. Impreuna studiem compozitita si urmarim miscarile unei personalitati, cautand sa o intelegem."
--> "Ben, esti imposibil. Esti intolerant fata de toti cei care te contrazic.Parerile tale au devenit atat de categorice, incat nimanui nu-i pasa de ele. Prietenii tai se simt mai bine cand nu esti prin preajma." Unul din cele mai frumoase lucruri pe care le stim despre Franklin este felul in care a acceptat acest repros aspru. A fost destul deintelept pentru a-si da seama ca se indrepta spre esec si dezastru social si, conformadu-se legilor prieteniei, s-a schimbat complet.
CAP. 2 - DE CE UNORA NU LE LIPSESC NICIODATA PRIETENII-Faceti din relatiile d-voastra interumane o prioritate de varf
--> "Urmarindu-i pe cei ce sunt iubiti profund, am observat ca dupa parerea lor oamenii reprezinta sursa fundamentala de fericire. Cei apropiati sunt foarte importanti pentru ei si, oricat de incarcat le-ar fi programul, si-au elaborat un stil de viata si un mod de a-si imparti timpul care sa le permita sa aiba mai multe relatii interumane profunde.
Pe de alta parte, stand de vorba cu persoane singuratice am descoperit adesea ca, desi se lamenteaza din cauza lipsei unor persoane apropiate, pun de fapt putin accent pe cultivarea prietenilor."
--> "Tennyson declara: Mai bine sa iubesti si sa pierzi decat sa nu fi iubit deloc."
-->"Cu moartea fiecarui prieten iubit...moare o parte din mine...dar contributia pe care si-au adus-o la starea mea de fericire, putere si intelegere ramane sa ma sustina intr-o lume schimbata."
-->"O prietenie adanca trebuie cultivata de-a lungul anilor - seri petrecute in fata caminului, plimbari lungi impreuna si mult timp pentru disctutii."
-->"Adevarata fericire", spunea Ben Jonson, "consta nu in multitudinea prietenilor, ci in valoarea si alegerea lor." (...)Este mai important sa fiti apropiat de un numar limitat de persoane decat sa fiti atat de popular incat sa primiti patru sute de felicitari de Craciun in fiecare an.
--> "Daca vrei neaparat sa fii nenorocit", spunea George Bernard Shaw, "fa-ti timp sa te intrebi daca esti sau nu fericit." De obicei, nu descoperim fericirea atunci cand o cautam. De cele mai multe ori este un produs auxiliar, care ne vine atunci cand suntem preocupati sa ne daruim altuia."
-->"De ce ne legam atat de rar de cineva la un nivel atat de profund? De ce prietenia este atat de putin intalnita? Dintr-un motiv simplu: Nu ne dedicam suficient acesteia. Daca relatiile interumane sunt cel mai de pret bun pe care-l putem detine pe aceasta lume, ar fi de asteptat ca oricine si oriunde sa dea prieteniei cea mai inalta prioritate. Dar pentru multi, ea nu figureazanici macar pe lista obiectvelor. Acestia isi inchipuie ca dragostea va aparea "din senin"
Putine lucruri valoroase vin in viata "din senin". Cand apar, este din cauza ca le recunoastem importanta si ne dedicam lor. Poti avea aproape orice iti doresti daca iti doresti suficient de tare. Daca vrei destul de tare sa faci un milion de dolari, probabil ca poti sa-l faci. Daca doresti suficient de mult sa duci la bun sf. maratonul de la Boston, probabil ca poti s-o faci. Iar daca vrei dragoste, poti s-o ai. Este doar o chestiune de prioritati.Relatiile semnificative apar in viata acelora care le gasesc suficient de importante pentru a le cultiva."
CAP. 3 - ARTA AUTODEZVALUIRII - Cultivati transparenta
--> "Cei care au prietenii adevarate si de lunga durata pot fi introvertiti, extrovertiti, tineri, batrani, mediocri, inteligenti, terni sau frumosi; dar singura insusire pe care o au mereu in comun este faptul ca sunt deschisi. Au o anumita transparenta, lasandu-i pe ceilati sa vada ce este in inima lor.(...) Nu spun ca o asemenea deschidere iti va castiga o popularitate universala(...) dar daca esti gata sa fii deschis vor exista oameni care nu vor pregeta sa te iubeasca."
--> "Sinceritatea favorizeaza prietenia. Ne plac oamenii care isi deschid sufletul in fata noastra."
-->"Oscilam intre impulsul de a ne dezvalui si impulsul de a ne proteja, tainuind ceea ce se petrece inauntrul nostru. Tanjim sa fim cunoscuti, dar dorim sa ramanem ascunsi (...) Un motiv serios pentru care ne ascundem in spatele mastilor este teama de respingere. Daca, dupa ce-ti deschizi sufletul, pritenul te paraseste, efectul poate fi devastator.(...)Totusi am descoperit ca autodezvaluirea are efectul opus. cadn o persoana isi scoate masca, ceilalti aunt atrasi de ea."
--> "Bruce Larson ne recomanda sa acem cel putin o persoana careia sa ii putem spune totul. (...)ma pot dezvalui total in prezenta lui Mark. Ma accepta in orice toane as fi, si eu fac la fel cu el. Nu imi aproba intotdeauna comportamentul sau gandurile, dar stiu ca, oricat de mult ar diferi parerile noastre, nu va incerca sa ma cenzureze. Oricat am fi de suparati uneori unul pe celalalt, furia nu va clatina niciodata legatura dintre noi. Ce mangaiere, ce consolare indescriptibila este sa te simti in siguranta alaturi de cineva; sa nu fii nevoit nici sa-ti cantaresti gandurile, nici sa-ti masori cuvintele, ci sa le reversi , asa cum sunt, grau si pleava laun loc, stiind ca o mana credincioasa le va lua si le va cerne, pastrand ce merita pastrat si indepartand apoi, cu suflul bunatatii, restul."
--> "Daca indraznita sa luati initiativa deschiderii, sunt mai multe sanse ca si cealalta persoana sa va destainuiasca secretele sale."
--> "Deschiderea atrage deschidere!"
--> "Nimanui nu-i place cu adevarat sa poarte masca. A fi cunoscut si acceptat de Dumnezeu este o experienta eliberatoare si tamaduitoare si este cel mai bun model din toate pentru relatiile noastre interumane."
Dezmintiri legate de transparenta si sinceritate totala:
1. Nu recomand un spirit de contradictie. Unii care incearca sa fie "complet sinceri", isi dau cu parerea pe orice tema ai aduce in discutie. Daca avansati o idee care nu se potriveste cu a lor, "deschiderea", ii face sa te contrazica pe loc.
2. Nu va indemn cu siguranta sa "dati totul la iveala". Majoritatea fugim de cei care-si povestesc intreaga viata, cu amanunte intime, in prima ora dupa ce am facut cunostinta. nu este rezonabil sa ne deschidem sufletul in fata oricui, ba chiar in fata nimanui, la prima vedere. Avem cu totii dreptul la tacere si trebuie sa hotaram cat de mult din noi putem arata la un moment dat.
3. Este bine sa fim precauti in dezvaluirea sentimentelor si faptelor care pot face rau altora sau jigni pe ascultator.
CAP. 4 - CUM SA COMUNICAM CU CALDURA - Nu va sfiiti sa vb despre iubirea d-voastra.
--> "Nimic nu starneste mai mult un barbat decat cunoasterea faptului ca o femeie il simpatizeaza."
--> "Dragostea ramane nerasplatita doar din cauza ca este nedeclarata."
--> "(...) daca o femeie are reputatia ca este greu de cucerit, dar dintr-un motiv oarecare este usor de cucerit pentru subiect, ea este extrem de atragatoare. O asemenenea femeie este dinamita pentru barbat, deoarece prezinta atractia femeii selective, dar atunci cand intalneste un barbat care-i place, nu se sfieste sa-i declare sentimentele."
--> "Procesul de apropiere de o alta persoana urmeaza o regula in trei etape: prima, manifestati-va intentia; a doua, observati reactia; a treia, inaintati, opriti-va sau dati inapoi, in functie de semnalele pe care le primiti."
CAP.5 - DRAGOSTEA DE ZI CU ZI - Invatati gesturile iubirii
--> "Micile atentii conteaza. Conteaza mult."
"Radacinile iubirii cele mai profunde mor in inima daca nu sunt ingrijite cu tandrete" - von Herder
"Nu ca dragostea s-a dus imi otraveste zilele/Ci faptul ca a disparut din gesturile marunte." scria Edna St. Vincent Millay
Minusculul act de gentilete are o mare putere deoarece demonstreaza ca nu consideri dragostea celuilalt de la sine inteleasa. Ti-ai facut timp sa te gandesti la ce anume i-ar putea aduce un moment de fericire."
-->"Ritualul este un ingredient important universal al bunelor relatii. Daca stam sa ne gandim la aceastea, sotii si sotiile isi cimenteaza iubirea cu multe ceremeonii: se saruta de noapte buna, isi sarbatoresc aniversarile, isi ofera bijuterii, isi telefoneaza cand sunt departe, isi aduc unul altuia micul dejun la pat, fac o plimbare impreuna seara. Cel care doreste sa-si adanceasca prietenia ca cauta ritualuri similare (...) aveti toate sansele sa adanciti o prietenie luand masa impreuna."
--> "Diviziunea stupida a muncii conform rolurilor o lasa adeseori pe sotie in casa, la spalatul vaselor, in timp ce sotul iese sa spele masina. De ce nu ar face impreuna ambele treburi si s-ar bucura astfel in acest timp de compania celuilalt?"
--> "Unele fapte bune sunt asemenea undelor care se propaga cu mult dincolo de punctul original de contact."
-->"Un om este mare dupa cum ii trateaza pe cei neinsemnati si daca cineva poate deprinde obiceiul de a cauta gesturi care cladesc bunavointa, amabilitatea poate deveni a doua natura."
CAP. 6 - NEGLIJATI ACEST ASPECT SI O SA VA PUNETI PRIETENII PE FUGA - Creati spatiu in relatiile d-voastra.
--> "La baza dragostei, a scris un intelept necunoscut, sta un secret simplu: Indragostitul o lasa pe persoana iubita sa fie libera. - Cei care au prietenii reusite lasa spatiu celor iubiti. In loc sa isi domine prietenii, incearca sa-i ajute sa se dezvlote, sa creasca si sa devina liberi"
-->"Exista doua teme recurente. Una este dorinta de a avea o legatura. Cealalta este dorinta de libertate. Cele mai bune prietenii si ele mai bune casnicii fac loc ambelor impulsuri.Cu totii avem nevoie sa respiram."
Sunteti tipul manipulativ?
1. Manipulatorul "Preiau comanda" - este persoana care tb sa fie mai desteapta si mai puternica decat tine, pentru a fi fericita cu tine.(...) Cele mai bune prietenii nu necesita prezenta cuiva la carma. Exista, mai degraba, o reciprocitate in care fiecare partener este liber sa fie slab uneori, fara sa se teama ca celalalt va "prelua comanda". (...) Daca sunteti sigur pe d-voastra, nu sunteti niciodata nevoit sa incercati sa va controlati sau stapaniti prietenii.
2. Manipulatorul "Bietul de mine" - e exact opusul genului "preiau ccomanda", manipulandprin afisarea slabiciunii. O asemenea dependenta excesiva va produce pana la urma reactia inversa. Cineva spunea: "De fapt avem o multime de interese comune si imi dau seama ca linda este singura, dar are stilul de a se agata de tine. Si vorbeste despre necazurile ei trei ore-n sir. Nu pot sa suport asa ceva. Ma feresc de ea ca de ciuma."
3. Manipulatorul "Am nevoie sa fiu necesar" - suna telefonul uneia dintre fice care are probleme. Motorul se porneste atunci si adrenalina ii inunda tot corpul. Se simte necesara! Da fugala casa ficei, preia comanda si totul e din nou ca pe vremuri. E o sit. periculoasa, pt ca, daca simte intr-o asemenea masura nevoia de a fi necesara ficelor sale, are probabil tendinta de a le cultiva o dependenta bolnavicoasa si de a le trata drept copii.
--> In loc sa ne faca dependenti, mutilandu-ne, o relatie puternica ne poate elibera. Exista casnicii intre oameni talentati si agresivi care se sustin reciproc si nu-si pun problema care dintre ei dein puterea.
-->"Prieteniile pot fi mai degraba eliberatoare decat inhibatoare daca cei doi pot stabili de la inceput anumite reguli pt libertate.
1. Fiti prudent cu critica! (...) Daca va vine foarte greu sa va criticati prietenii, sunteti in siguranta cand o faceti. Dar daca simtiti cea mai mica placere, este timpul sa va muscati limba."
--> "Cei care nu au prieteni au de obicei o capacitate redusa de a se bucura de orice tip de dragoste. "
--> "...am convenit la sf. orei ca atat timp cat avea o confidenta, nu avea nevoie de un psihoterapet."
-->"Desi nu-mi voi intelege niciodata complet pacientii, scopul meu este sa stau langa ei atunci cand se analizeaza pe ei insisi. Impreuna studiem compozitita si urmarim miscarile unei personalitati, cautand sa o intelegem."
--> "Ben, esti imposibil. Esti intolerant fata de toti cei care te contrazic.Parerile tale au devenit atat de categorice, incat nimanui nu-i pasa de ele. Prietenii tai se simt mai bine cand nu esti prin preajma." Unul din cele mai frumoase lucruri pe care le stim despre Franklin este felul in care a acceptat acest repros aspru. A fost destul deintelept pentru a-si da seama ca se indrepta spre esec si dezastru social si, conformadu-se legilor prieteniei, s-a schimbat complet.
CAP. 2 - DE CE UNORA NU LE LIPSESC NICIODATA PRIETENII-Faceti din relatiile d-voastra interumane o prioritate de varf
--> "Urmarindu-i pe cei ce sunt iubiti profund, am observat ca dupa parerea lor oamenii reprezinta sursa fundamentala de fericire. Cei apropiati sunt foarte importanti pentru ei si, oricat de incarcat le-ar fi programul, si-au elaborat un stil de viata si un mod de a-si imparti timpul care sa le permita sa aiba mai multe relatii interumane profunde.
Pe de alta parte, stand de vorba cu persoane singuratice am descoperit adesea ca, desi se lamenteaza din cauza lipsei unor persoane apropiate, pun de fapt putin accent pe cultivarea prietenilor."
--> "Tennyson declara: Mai bine sa iubesti si sa pierzi decat sa nu fi iubit deloc."
-->"Cu moartea fiecarui prieten iubit...moare o parte din mine...dar contributia pe care si-au adus-o la starea mea de fericire, putere si intelegere ramane sa ma sustina intr-o lume schimbata."
-->"O prietenie adanca trebuie cultivata de-a lungul anilor - seri petrecute in fata caminului, plimbari lungi impreuna si mult timp pentru disctutii."
-->"Adevarata fericire", spunea Ben Jonson, "consta nu in multitudinea prietenilor, ci in valoarea si alegerea lor." (...)Este mai important sa fiti apropiat de un numar limitat de persoane decat sa fiti atat de popular incat sa primiti patru sute de felicitari de Craciun in fiecare an.
--> "Daca vrei neaparat sa fii nenorocit", spunea George Bernard Shaw, "fa-ti timp sa te intrebi daca esti sau nu fericit." De obicei, nu descoperim fericirea atunci cand o cautam. De cele mai multe ori este un produs auxiliar, care ne vine atunci cand suntem preocupati sa ne daruim altuia."
-->"De ce ne legam atat de rar de cineva la un nivel atat de profund? De ce prietenia este atat de putin intalnita? Dintr-un motiv simplu: Nu ne dedicam suficient acesteia. Daca relatiile interumane sunt cel mai de pret bun pe care-l putem detine pe aceasta lume, ar fi de asteptat ca oricine si oriunde sa dea prieteniei cea mai inalta prioritate. Dar pentru multi, ea nu figureazanici macar pe lista obiectvelor. Acestia isi inchipuie ca dragostea va aparea "din senin"
Putine lucruri valoroase vin in viata "din senin". Cand apar, este din cauza ca le recunoastem importanta si ne dedicam lor. Poti avea aproape orice iti doresti daca iti doresti suficient de tare. Daca vrei destul de tare sa faci un milion de dolari, probabil ca poti sa-l faci. Daca doresti suficient de mult sa duci la bun sf. maratonul de la Boston, probabil ca poti s-o faci. Iar daca vrei dragoste, poti s-o ai. Este doar o chestiune de prioritati.Relatiile semnificative apar in viata acelora care le gasesc suficient de importante pentru a le cultiva."
CAP. 3 - ARTA AUTODEZVALUIRII - Cultivati transparenta
--> "Cei care au prietenii adevarate si de lunga durata pot fi introvertiti, extrovertiti, tineri, batrani, mediocri, inteligenti, terni sau frumosi; dar singura insusire pe care o au mereu in comun este faptul ca sunt deschisi. Au o anumita transparenta, lasandu-i pe ceilati sa vada ce este in inima lor.(...) Nu spun ca o asemenea deschidere iti va castiga o popularitate universala(...) dar daca esti gata sa fii deschis vor exista oameni care nu vor pregeta sa te iubeasca."
--> "Sinceritatea favorizeaza prietenia. Ne plac oamenii care isi deschid sufletul in fata noastra."
-->"Oscilam intre impulsul de a ne dezvalui si impulsul de a ne proteja, tainuind ceea ce se petrece inauntrul nostru. Tanjim sa fim cunoscuti, dar dorim sa ramanem ascunsi (...) Un motiv serios pentru care ne ascundem in spatele mastilor este teama de respingere. Daca, dupa ce-ti deschizi sufletul, pritenul te paraseste, efectul poate fi devastator.(...)Totusi am descoperit ca autodezvaluirea are efectul opus. cadn o persoana isi scoate masca, ceilalti aunt atrasi de ea."
--> "Bruce Larson ne recomanda sa acem cel putin o persoana careia sa ii putem spune totul. (...)ma pot dezvalui total in prezenta lui Mark. Ma accepta in orice toane as fi, si eu fac la fel cu el. Nu imi aproba intotdeauna comportamentul sau gandurile, dar stiu ca, oricat de mult ar diferi parerile noastre, nu va incerca sa ma cenzureze. Oricat am fi de suparati uneori unul pe celalalt, furia nu va clatina niciodata legatura dintre noi. Ce mangaiere, ce consolare indescriptibila este sa te simti in siguranta alaturi de cineva; sa nu fii nevoit nici sa-ti cantaresti gandurile, nici sa-ti masori cuvintele, ci sa le reversi , asa cum sunt, grau si pleava laun loc, stiind ca o mana credincioasa le va lua si le va cerne, pastrand ce merita pastrat si indepartand apoi, cu suflul bunatatii, restul."
--> "Daca indraznita sa luati initiativa deschiderii, sunt mai multe sanse ca si cealalta persoana sa va destainuiasca secretele sale."
--> "Deschiderea atrage deschidere!"
--> "Nimanui nu-i place cu adevarat sa poarte masca. A fi cunoscut si acceptat de Dumnezeu este o experienta eliberatoare si tamaduitoare si este cel mai bun model din toate pentru relatiile noastre interumane."
Dezmintiri legate de transparenta si sinceritate totala:
1. Nu recomand un spirit de contradictie. Unii care incearca sa fie "complet sinceri", isi dau cu parerea pe orice tema ai aduce in discutie. Daca avansati o idee care nu se potriveste cu a lor, "deschiderea", ii face sa te contrazica pe loc.
2. Nu va indemn cu siguranta sa "dati totul la iveala". Majoritatea fugim de cei care-si povestesc intreaga viata, cu amanunte intime, in prima ora dupa ce am facut cunostinta. nu este rezonabil sa ne deschidem sufletul in fata oricui, ba chiar in fata nimanui, la prima vedere. Avem cu totii dreptul la tacere si trebuie sa hotaram cat de mult din noi putem arata la un moment dat.
3. Este bine sa fim precauti in dezvaluirea sentimentelor si faptelor care pot face rau altora sau jigni pe ascultator.
CAP. 4 - CUM SA COMUNICAM CU CALDURA - Nu va sfiiti sa vb despre iubirea d-voastra.
--> "Nimic nu starneste mai mult un barbat decat cunoasterea faptului ca o femeie il simpatizeaza."
--> "Dragostea ramane nerasplatita doar din cauza ca este nedeclarata."
--> "(...) daca o femeie are reputatia ca este greu de cucerit, dar dintr-un motiv oarecare este usor de cucerit pentru subiect, ea este extrem de atragatoare. O asemenenea femeie este dinamita pentru barbat, deoarece prezinta atractia femeii selective, dar atunci cand intalneste un barbat care-i place, nu se sfieste sa-i declare sentimentele."
--> "Procesul de apropiere de o alta persoana urmeaza o regula in trei etape: prima, manifestati-va intentia; a doua, observati reactia; a treia, inaintati, opriti-va sau dati inapoi, in functie de semnalele pe care le primiti."
CAP.5 - DRAGOSTEA DE ZI CU ZI - Invatati gesturile iubirii
--> "Micile atentii conteaza. Conteaza mult."
"Radacinile iubirii cele mai profunde mor in inima daca nu sunt ingrijite cu tandrete" - von Herder
"Nu ca dragostea s-a dus imi otraveste zilele/Ci faptul ca a disparut din gesturile marunte." scria Edna St. Vincent Millay
Minusculul act de gentilete are o mare putere deoarece demonstreaza ca nu consideri dragostea celuilalt de la sine inteleasa. Ti-ai facut timp sa te gandesti la ce anume i-ar putea aduce un moment de fericire."
-->"Ritualul este un ingredient important universal al bunelor relatii. Daca stam sa ne gandim la aceastea, sotii si sotiile isi cimenteaza iubirea cu multe ceremeonii: se saruta de noapte buna, isi sarbatoresc aniversarile, isi ofera bijuterii, isi telefoneaza cand sunt departe, isi aduc unul altuia micul dejun la pat, fac o plimbare impreuna seara. Cel care doreste sa-si adanceasca prietenia ca cauta ritualuri similare (...) aveti toate sansele sa adanciti o prietenie luand masa impreuna."
--> "Diviziunea stupida a muncii conform rolurilor o lasa adeseori pe sotie in casa, la spalatul vaselor, in timp ce sotul iese sa spele masina. De ce nu ar face impreuna ambele treburi si s-ar bucura astfel in acest timp de compania celuilalt?"
--> "Unele fapte bune sunt asemenea undelor care se propaga cu mult dincolo de punctul original de contact."
-->"Un om este mare dupa cum ii trateaza pe cei neinsemnati si daca cineva poate deprinde obiceiul de a cauta gesturi care cladesc bunavointa, amabilitatea poate deveni a doua natura."
CAP. 6 - NEGLIJATI ACEST ASPECT SI O SA VA PUNETI PRIETENII PE FUGA - Creati spatiu in relatiile d-voastra.
--> "La baza dragostei, a scris un intelept necunoscut, sta un secret simplu: Indragostitul o lasa pe persoana iubita sa fie libera. - Cei care au prietenii reusite lasa spatiu celor iubiti. In loc sa isi domine prietenii, incearca sa-i ajute sa se dezvlote, sa creasca si sa devina liberi"
-->"Exista doua teme recurente. Una este dorinta de a avea o legatura. Cealalta este dorinta de libertate. Cele mai bune prietenii si ele mai bune casnicii fac loc ambelor impulsuri.Cu totii avem nevoie sa respiram."
Sunteti tipul manipulativ?
1. Manipulatorul "Preiau comanda" - este persoana care tb sa fie mai desteapta si mai puternica decat tine, pentru a fi fericita cu tine.(...) Cele mai bune prietenii nu necesita prezenta cuiva la carma. Exista, mai degraba, o reciprocitate in care fiecare partener este liber sa fie slab uneori, fara sa se teama ca celalalt va "prelua comanda". (...) Daca sunteti sigur pe d-voastra, nu sunteti niciodata nevoit sa incercati sa va controlati sau stapaniti prietenii.
2. Manipulatorul "Bietul de mine" - e exact opusul genului "preiau ccomanda", manipulandprin afisarea slabiciunii. O asemenea dependenta excesiva va produce pana la urma reactia inversa. Cineva spunea: "De fapt avem o multime de interese comune si imi dau seama ca linda este singura, dar are stilul de a se agata de tine. Si vorbeste despre necazurile ei trei ore-n sir. Nu pot sa suport asa ceva. Ma feresc de ea ca de ciuma."
3. Manipulatorul "Am nevoie sa fiu necesar" - suna telefonul uneia dintre fice care are probleme. Motorul se porneste atunci si adrenalina ii inunda tot corpul. Se simte necesara! Da fugala casa ficei, preia comanda si totul e din nou ca pe vremuri. E o sit. periculoasa, pt ca, daca simte intr-o asemenea masura nevoia de a fi necesara ficelor sale, are probabil tendinta de a le cultiva o dependenta bolnavicoasa si de a le trata drept copii.
--> In loc sa ne faca dependenti, mutilandu-ne, o relatie puternica ne poate elibera. Exista casnicii intre oameni talentati si agresivi care se sustin reciproc si nu-si pun problema care dintre ei dein puterea.
-->"Prieteniile pot fi mai degraba eliberatoare decat inhibatoare daca cei doi pot stabili de la inceput anumite reguli pt libertate.
1. Fiti prudent cu critica! (...) Daca va vine foarte greu sa va criticati prietenii, sunteti in siguranta cand o faceti. Dar daca simtiti cea mai mica placere, este timpul sa va muscati limba."
November 28, 2013
An oldie but a goodie.
I reread this book after learning that one of my pastor friends uses this as a textbook for the Friendship Seminars he gives. I had forgotten how good it is.
Table of Contents (abbreviated)
�5 Ways to Deepen Your Relationships
—The Art of Self-Disclosure
—Neglect This and Watch Your Friends Flee
—The Art of Affirmation
—When Tears are a Gift From God
—Ways to Handle Negative Emotions without Destroying the Relationship
—Six Techniques to Help You Get Angry without Becoming Destructive
—Why Relationships Go Bad
—Loyalty � The Essential Ingredient
—Why Subservience is Always Dangerous
—Self-World: A Requirement for Intimacy
Even the best friendships need a tuneup every so often, and this is an excellent book to read and share with a friend.
In my mind, friendship is one of God's greatest gifts in life. Two of my closest friendships were stagnating a while ago, and this book was instrumental in making them better than ever. It's important to have the hard conversations when a friendship gets out of balance. People of good character can always handle it…and actually welcome it.
I reread this book after learning that one of my pastor friends uses this as a textbook for the Friendship Seminars he gives. I had forgotten how good it is.
Table of Contents (abbreviated)
�5 Ways to Deepen Your Relationships
—The Art of Self-Disclosure
—Neglect This and Watch Your Friends Flee
—The Art of Affirmation
—When Tears are a Gift From God
—Ways to Handle Negative Emotions without Destroying the Relationship
—Six Techniques to Help You Get Angry without Becoming Destructive
—Why Relationships Go Bad
—Loyalty � The Essential Ingredient
—Why Subservience is Always Dangerous
—Self-World: A Requirement for Intimacy
Even the best friendships need a tuneup every so often, and this is an excellent book to read and share with a friend.
In my mind, friendship is one of God's greatest gifts in life. Two of my closest friendships were stagnating a while ago, and this book was instrumental in making them better than ever. It's important to have the hard conversations when a friendship gets out of balance. People of good character can always handle it…and actually welcome it.
November 13, 2008
لأن الصداقة تمثل نقطة الانطلاق لكل علاقة تتسم بالحب و الحميمية..
من أكثر ما أعجبني ما يلي:
إن من أفضل الوسائل لتعميق الصداقة تناول الطعام سوياً, فقد كان الانبياء عليهم السلام يتناولون الطعام مع رفاقهم, ويتجاذبون أطراف الحديث معهم. فهناك إحساس رائع عندما يتقاسم إثنان طعامهما, ولعله من المستبعد أن تتناول طعامك مع عدوك و تظل بينكما نفس مشاعر العداوة لبعض.
وأخرى
من الغريب أن نتحدث عن العلاقات بين الآباء و الأبناء في ضوء كرم الضيافة , لكن من الأسس النهنة لعقيدتنا أن أطفالنا ليسوا ممتلكاتنا الشخصية لنتحكم فيهم,لكن منحة من الله نفرح بها و نهتم بها,فأطفالنا هم أهم ضيوفنا, والذين يدخلون بيوتنا يطلبون قليلاُ من الاهتمام و يمكثون معنا لفترة ثم يتركوننا ليسيروا في طريقهم..
هنري نوين
الكتاب عن الصداقة لكنه يتحدث عن جميع العلاقات الانسانية من علاقة الفرد مع رفاقه و شريك حياته أبناءه و الديه و حتى زملاء العمل..
نحتاج لمثل هذا الكتاب في زمن نحتاج فيه لأصدقائنا كأكثر ما يكون..
من أكثر ما أعجبني ما يلي:
إن من أفضل الوسائل لتعميق الصداقة تناول الطعام سوياً, فقد كان الانبياء عليهم السلام يتناولون الطعام مع رفاقهم, ويتجاذبون أطراف الحديث معهم. فهناك إحساس رائع عندما يتقاسم إثنان طعامهما, ولعله من المستبعد أن تتناول طعامك مع عدوك و تظل بينكما نفس مشاعر العداوة لبعض.
وأخرى
من الغريب أن نتحدث عن العلاقات بين الآباء و الأبناء في ضوء كرم الضيافة , لكن من الأسس النهنة لعقيدتنا أن أطفالنا ليسوا ممتلكاتنا الشخصية لنتحكم فيهم,لكن منحة من الله نفرح بها و نهتم بها,فأطفالنا هم أهم ضيوفنا, والذين يدخلون بيوتنا يطلبون قليلاُ من الاهتمام و يمكثون معنا لفترة ثم يتركوننا ليسيروا في طريقهم..
هنري نوين
الكتاب عن الصداقة لكنه يتحدث عن جميع العلاقات الانسانية من علاقة الفرد مع رفاقه و شريك حياته أبناءه و الديه و حتى زملاء العمل..
نحتاج لمثل هذا الكتاب في زمن نحتاج فيه لأصدقائنا كأكثر ما يكون..
June 11, 2014
Simple and practical, McGinnis's guide remains accessible despite the 1979 copyright date and his distinctive Christian framing. I dog-eared more than a couple of pages on this library copy to find the quotes below and a few more.
"All of us, at one time or another, have periods of temporary insanity. A fine line divides our functioning mental system from the world of unreality, and all of us cross over it occasionally."
“In ways we do not fully understand, self-disclosure helps us to see things, feel things, imagine things, hope for things that we could never have thought possible.�
"All of us, at one time or another, have periods of temporary insanity. A fine line divides our functioning mental system from the world of unreality, and all of us cross over it occasionally."
“In ways we do not fully understand, self-disclosure helps us to see things, feel things, imagine things, hope for things that we could never have thought possible.�
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October 8, 2008Great book on relationships! Sometimes you dont even realize the dumb things you are doing in your relationships and why things dont work out. The longer you have a relationship with someone the more you should talk, not less. There was a study in the book that talked about a married couple that onle talked a TOTAL of 17 minutes out of an entire week. This is a great book and recommend to anyone who has friends or would like to ;)
November 5, 2013
A great book recommended and gifted to me by a great friend. Really gets slow towards the end, but this book is supercharged with invaluable truths on human interaction.
July 31, 2013
the author backed personal experiences with psychology and a good amount of faith in people as a whole. I thoroughly enjoyed this book although I do have to say it's a book to read slowly.
April 29, 2014
This book is so inspiring. What I like about this book is that the author combines many of the good books for famous authors within it. It is amazing.
February 25, 2016
Seminary book - fair - some helpful tips, fast read
October 30, 2016
Good book on friendship, planning to reread it again when in a relationship
November 14, 2016
This book was lame so I turned it onto art.
January 3, 2018
Great book! Very inspirational! Would like to remember and practise every piece of it!
January 8, 2019
I plan to purchase a copy of this book so I can go back and use it as a reference. Very insightful!!
April 17, 2018
I usually focus on certain genres at certain years. I focused on self-improvement and psychology books for this year, especially because I know I'm not a savant when it comes to social interactions. With that said, while I do see patterns emerging from the different self-help books I've read, The Friendship Factor is among the best because it focuses on the development of one's self, and how that is important to friendship, which is the foundation for everything else.
I guess I'm a bit of a traditionalist: I believe that the only quick decisions needed to be made are in the emergency room. Lasting companionship and enduring love are both ideas that I believe need both deliberation and time, and I think that both of these are nurtured and engendered by true friendship. Aziz Ansari accurately captures my lack of faith in most modern relationships:
The same idea was espoused by Father Dacanay, one of the pillars of theology here in the Philippines. He said that the ideal time for marriage was after five to seven years of a relationship. Each partner always has something to hide during his or her first four years together, and their individual foibles will only appear during that time. After seven years, he stated, most of the idiosyncrasies will already be known, and one has to decide whether to persist, or let go.
I sincerely believe in a marriage based on friendship. Pastor McGinnis seems to agree, in that, again, love is something that isn't magical. It is always worked on, and decided upon everyday. I sulk when I'm in the worst of moods and have an acerbic tongue on my off days; similarly, I will have to deal with my partner's moods and peculiarities. I believe that it is only when I can live with her worst that I know I'll be ready for marriage.
This is a simple, positive read that is more direct than any of Peale's books. It's also psychologically sound, with references from Rollo May and Viktor Frankl across its pages. I definitely enjoyed it.
I guess I'm a bit of a traditionalist: I believe that the only quick decisions needed to be made are in the emergency room. Lasting companionship and enduring love are both ideas that I believe need both deliberation and time, and I think that both of these are nurtured and engendered by true friendship. Aziz Ansari accurately captures my lack of faith in most modern relationships:
"I see people my age getting married to people they’ve known for like a year and a half. A year and a half? Is that enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I’ve had sweaters for a year and a half and I was like 'What the fuck was I doing with this sweater?' "
The same idea was espoused by Father Dacanay, one of the pillars of theology here in the Philippines. He said that the ideal time for marriage was after five to seven years of a relationship. Each partner always has something to hide during his or her first four years together, and their individual foibles will only appear during that time. After seven years, he stated, most of the idiosyncrasies will already be known, and one has to decide whether to persist, or let go.
I sincerely believe in a marriage based on friendship. Pastor McGinnis seems to agree, in that, again, love is something that isn't magical. It is always worked on, and decided upon everyday. I sulk when I'm in the worst of moods and have an acerbic tongue on my off days; similarly, I will have to deal with my partner's moods and peculiarities. I believe that it is only when I can live with her worst that I know I'll be ready for marriage.
This is a simple, positive read that is more direct than any of Peale's books. It's also psychologically sound, with references from Rollo May and Viktor Frankl across its pages. I definitely enjoyed it.
August 15, 2019
How to get everything for free? Give freely.
The world's longest study on adult life(Harvard Study of Adult Development) has been spanning for a little longer than 80 years now. The study gathered data on people's health, relationships, work and overall outlook on life as they got older. Out of the original study group of men, about 19 of them are still alive today, most of them in their mid 90s. The most important data gathered from this study can be summarized like this : Good relationships are key to a long, healthy and happy life.
The Friendship Factor is a feel-good book. I personally believe that today's world made it harder for us to form closer bonds and we're bound to forget many of the friendship building "rituals". We spend most of the time interacting with each other through screens and less on shared experiences - this can definitely give you a bleak view on modern friendship. After reading this book however, I feel a tad bit more positive.
How to get closer to the people you care for? Be authentic, transparent, solve problems in your relationships by talking about them and don't give up on people that easily. That's it! The advice given in the book is not mind-blowing and you can get these answers by following a simple Google or Youtube search. What sets this book apart is its upbeat nature, its examples from the author's life as a therapist and the way its structured in easy to read chapters. It's a great guide book!
There were however a few things I disagreed on such as the portrayal of stoicism in males or some examples where the author discussed that a certain behaviour of another person, when changed would deepen our friendship with them. The problem however is that we can only control our behaviour, not other's. These aspects did not impact my reading experience at all and I did manage to extract a lot of helpful notes.
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July 3, 2020A word of caution, when young I read dozens of theory books on sales and selling, they did no good, I joined firms who promised to train me in sales and how to sell, that did no good, and for some ten years maybe longer I trained myself, how?, by always thinking of the customers wants, rights, expectations and suspicions. And it was learning how to reduce or to completely eliminate clients suspicions that proved to be the answer. For over 50 years I have always been the top sales dog. Always. The thing with sales colleagues who try to be your friend is that 90% of them are "Drifting Ships, men mostly walking about without a clue what to do today, tomorrow or next week." Lets speak about friends, shall we? I claim you do not need friends, that you must shun all friendships and never ever get too close to anyone. Friends are a nuisance a headache and all friendships are exaggerated in value and the alleged benefits they re supposed to offer. And horror of horrors I feel that way about all religious ministers and their followers who roam the streets preaching some strange tales about the Lord's help and love. I have always based my working life on this "keep well away from me when I am working and busy philosophy." and it sure does pays big dividends. If you need friends then join a library and read and borrow a book, Scientific Advertising by Claude Hopkins would be a great place to start.
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