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“Found something?��
“No, sorry. I thought I had, but, no, it turned out to be, uh�� more floor.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“You think Bernadette Maguire killed him?��
“Uh�� no. She’s, like I said, she’s old.��
“Old people can kill people too.��
“I know, but…��
“She could be a ninja.��
“She’s not a ninja, for God’s sake. She’s somebody’s great grandmother.��
“I want you to think carefully about this, Kenny. Have you ever seen her with a sword?��
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“How about throwing stars?��
“This is ridiculous.��
“Have you ever seen her dressed up as a ninja? That would have been my first clue.��
The girl sucked in her cheeks so she wouldn't laugh out loud.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Can I just point something out?" Fletcher asked. "That is an awful plan. On a scale of one to ten - the Trojan War being a ten and General Custer verus all those Indians being a one - your plan is a zero. I don't think it is a plan at all. I think it's just a series of happenings that are, to be honest, unlikely to follow on from each other in the way in which everyone's probably hoping."
"Do you have a better plan?" Valkyrie asked.
"Of course not. I'm a man of action, not thought."
Valkyrie nodded. "You're definitely not a man of thought."
"Why are you in charge anyway? What do you know about organising something like this?"
"I have faith," Tanith said.
"As do I," said Ghastly.
Valkyrie smiled at them gratefully. "So you think the plan will work?"
"God, no," said Ghastly.
"Sorry, Val," said Tanith”
― Derek Landy

“We're not really intruding," he called down. "This is all a big misunderstanding."
"Stop right there!" shouted one of them.
Skulduggery held his hand to an ear he didn't have.
"What's that?"
"Stop!"
"Keep going?"
"STOP!"
"OK, we'll keep going.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.
'I could have tripped.'
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
'I'm joking,' he said at last.
She relaxed. 'Really?'
'Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“So he has no head'
'Thats usually what headless means'
'No head at all?'
'Your really not getting the whole headless thing are you?'
'Its just kind of silly even for us...”
― Derek Landy, Mortal Coil

“I'm sorry, I don't know what any of you want, or why guns and knives are being waved around, or why the girl has just been taken hostage, but everyone seems to be acting like having a TALKING SKELETON in the room is perfectly normal. And you, where are your eyes? How can you see? How come the only people with eyes in this room are me and her?”
― Derek Landy, The Faceless Ones

“I kill a sofa for you and you go and sit in a chair?�� Skulduggery asked. “I don’t think you appreciate the sacrifice that has been made for you.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“By the way, all joking aside, do I call you Ghastly or Elder Bespoke?'
'You can call me whatever you like.'
Vex nodded. 'Thank you, Gladys.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Her parents wanted her to find her own way in life. That’s what they’d said countless times in the past. Of course, they’d been referring to school subjects and college applications and job prospects. Presumably, at no stage did they factor living skeletons and magic underworlds into their considerations. If they had, their advice would probably have been very different.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Is he all scarred now?��

“Magic gets rid of most physical scars, but I like to think I scarred him emotionally.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Was it a test?�� she asked. “I mean, I know I'm still new to this. I'm still the rookie. Did you hang back to test me, to see if I'd be able to handle it alone?��
“Well, kind of,�� he said. “Actually, no, nothing like that. My shoelace was untied. That's why I was late. That's why you were alone.��
“I could have been killed because you were tying your SHOELACE?��
“An untied shoelace an be dangerous,�� he said. “I could have tripped.��
She stared at him. A moment dragged by.
“I'm joking,�� he said at last.
She relaxed. “Really?��
“Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You want to see safe hands?' her dad asked. He went to the fruit bowl on the side of the table, took two apples and proceeded to juggle them. 'See? Safe as anything.'
'Are you proposing you juggle our newborn child?'
'Of course not,' he said. 'I'd only be able to juggle her if you'd had twins. Otherwise it would just be throwing.'
(...) 'From this moment on, I will be the best father the world has ever seen. Wifey, may I please hold my child?'
Valkyrie's mum looked at him suspiciously. 'When you hold a baby, what's the most important thing to remember?'
'Not to drop it,' he said proudly.
'Well, yes, well done dear, but I was thinking more about how you hold the baby.'
'Ah,' he said, 'Of course. The secret to holding a baby is to pick it up by the scruff of its neck.'
'You're thinking of kittens.'
'Pick it up by the ears, then.'
'You're thinking of nothing.'
'Can I please just hold her?'
'I don't think that's wise.'
'A lot of things aren't wise, Melissa. Is crossing the road with your eyes closed wise? No, but I do it anyway.'
His wife nodded. 'Stephanie, you are in charge of teaching Alice how to cross the road.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“They might be kittens," she said hopefully.
"They're stalking us."
"They might be shy."
"I don't think it's kittens, Valkyrie."
"Puppies, then?”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“This is your one chance. Tell me where the key is."
"Okay."
Serpine raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
"No, only joking. Do your worst.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“I think zombies are kind of cute.��
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“I may be thinking about bunnies. Which one has the fluffy little tail, zombies or bunnies?��
“B�ܲԲԾ����.��
“Then it’s bunnies I’m thinking of.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“You're bored, aren't you.'
'I need constant distraction. Shall we go?'
'Uh, aren't you supposed to delegate responsibility or something? If you're not here, who's in charge?'
Skulduggery looked around and pointed to a sorcerer at the far side of the cemetery. 'He is.'
'Who is he?'
'Don't know. He looks like leadership material, though, doesn't he?'
'Does he?'
'He's wearing a hat.'
'And that means he's a leader?'
'Leaders wear hats. It's to keep the rain off while we make important decisions. He'll do fine.'
'Shouldn't you tell him that he's in charge?'
'And spoil the surprise?”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The lies we tell other people are nothing to the lies we tell ourselves.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“The rain battered the cottage. Valkyrie risked a look up at Skulduggery.
“What is it?�� she whispered.
“It’s a box,�� he whispered back.
“What kind of box?��
“A wooden one.��
She gave him a look.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“Well, to put it delicately, she has the power to suck out people's brains.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire

“You can only anticipate what someone is going to do if you know exactly what that someone has just done.' --Skulduggery”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“I have sought you out to cure me.'
'To cure you of what?'
'Of this cursed affliction.'
'I cannot cure stupidity.'
Scapegrace frowned.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“But if you can confront your inner demons��"

"I did confront my inner demon. I punched him in the face and he exploded."

Valkyrie had to laugh. "But now he's back."

"Of course he's back. He's resourceful. He is my inner demon, after all.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“Gordon Edgley's sudden death came as a shock to everyone - not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book, And the Darkness Rained upon Them, and the next he was dead. A tragic loss, his mind echoed numbly as he slipped away.”
― Derek Landy, Skulduggery Pleasant

“Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.'

And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.”
― Derek Landy, Playing with Fire