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“These are the few ways we can practice humility:

To speak as little as possible of one's self.

To mind one's own business.

Not to want to manage other people's affairs.

To avoid curiosity.

To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.

To pass over the mistakes of others.

To accept insults and injuries.

To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.

To be kind and gentle even under provocation.

Never to stand on one's dignity.

To choose always the hardest.”
― Mother Teresa, The Joy in Loving: A Guide to Daily Living

“You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.”
― Kami Garcia, Beautiful Creatures

“I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?"
"Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything."
"Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb."
"Was it hard?" Annabeth asked.”
― Rick Riordan, The Battle of the Labyrinth

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”
― Groucho Marx

“I can only assume," said Jace, "that mortal emotions amuse you because you have none of your own.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”
― Groucho Marx

“Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?
SAMPSON [Aside to Gregory]: Is the law of our side, if I say ay?
GREGORY [Aside to Sampson]: No.
SAMPSON: No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.”
― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

“Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

“Don't fool yourself, my dear. You're much worse than a bitch. You're a saint. Which shows why saints are dangerous and undesirable.”
― Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

“We almost made it to thirty seconds without an insult. I think we set a new record.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Acheron

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
― Groucho Marx

“He who takes offense when no offense is intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense is intended is a greater fool.”
― Brigham Young

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.”
― George Bernard Shaw

“Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.”
― William Shakespeare, Richard III

“She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”
― Mae West

“The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Feast for Crows

“I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”
― Derek Landy, Death Bringer

“If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, then they can sure make something out of you.”
― Muhammad Ali

“I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.”
― Christopher Moore, Practical Demonkeeping

“Sir, I admit your general rule,
That every poet is a fool,
But you yourself may serve to show it,
That every fool is not a poet.”
― Samuel Taylor Coleridge

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers, the middle one is for you.”
― Gena Showalter, The Queen of Zombie Hearts

“Simply minding one's own business is more offensive than being intrusive. Without ever saying a word one can make a person feel less-than.”
― Criss Jami, Killosophy

“I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.”
― Groucho Marx

“How do you know if a demon is lying? His lips are moving.”
― Richelle Mead, Succubus Blues

“My Lord, I find thy face apelike and thy form misshapen. Thy beard, moreover, is an offense against decency, resembling more closely the scabrous fir which doth decorate the hinder portion of a mongrel dog than a proper adornement for a human face. Is it possible that thy mother, seized by some wild lechery, did dally at some time past with a randy goat? -Mandorallen”
― David Eddings

“When people complain of your complexity, they fail to remember that they made fun of your simplicity.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson

“Did anybody tell you that you're a few french fries short of a Happy Meal?”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, This Heart of Mine

“Use a condom. The world doesn't need another you.”
― Carroll Bryant

“She is a peacock in everything but beauty!”
― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

“Free your life from the fangs of gossips by not associating yourself with them. Anyone who helps you to gossip about someone can also help someone to gossip about you.”
― Israelmore Ayivor