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Funny Quotes

Quotes tagged as "funny" Showing 2,971-3,000 of 10,671
“I show her my palms, surrendering before the fight has even begun. "You don't really want this and neither do I. Especially because I wouldn't want to mess up that pretty face of yours, darling."
She all but rolls her eyes at me. "That's funny because I won't hesitate to mess up your pretty face."
I smirk. "I knew you thought I was pretty."
At that, she throws another punch at my face that I easily evade. We continue circling each other, slowly. Damp hair clings to my forehead and I comb my fingers through it, pushing it off my sticky skin.
"You do know that I have eight powers at my disposal right now and any one of them could drop you." I grin as I say it, watching her eyes narrow.
"I don't want to fight your power-I want to fight you. Just you." Her piercing gaze never leaves mine as she says it, even as the other Elites turn their attention toward us, finding this fight far more interesting than their training.
"So, you just want me? No powers?"
"Yes, I just want you," she breathes, annoyed with me.
My mouth twists into a crooked grin. "I knew you wanted me, Gray.”
Lauren Roberts, Powerless

E.L. Konigsburg
“Do you have a dog?' she asked.
'No, but...'
Just answer the question. Do you have a dog?
'No, but...'
Just answer the question. Have you ever had a dog?
'No, but...'
Just answer the question. Have you ever had a dog?
'No.'
Naida said, 'I rest my case.”
E.L. Konigsburg, View From Saturday: Novel-Ties Study Guide

“It's stiff, the fabric hugging my hips, making it impossible to move freely.
"Go on." It's Kai's taunting voice I hear behind me. "Ask for my help, Gray."
I roll my eyes at the wall in front of me. "Stubborn, remember?"
I hear Kitt's chuckle before I feel hands brushing my legs. Startled, I look down, eyes landing on a bent head of messy black waves. Kai is gripping the bottom seam of my dress, his eyes flicking up to mine.
"May I?" His voice is soft, tone amused.
I swallow, roll my eyes once again, and nod against my better judgment.
And then he's ripping my dress.
He tears the fabric easily, creating a slit up the side of my thigh, freeing me from the tight confines of the fabric. His rough fingers briefly brush my skin as he says, "I am more than willing to rip your dresses for you, Gray. To help, of course." Kitt snorts while Kai smirks. "You only need to ask."
"Why ask when you're so eager to offer?"
Kai's laughter follows me as I finally pull myself up, arms burning with the strain.”
Lauren Roberts, Powerless

Kasie West
“He gave me a slow smile. 'If she likes me back, she probably doesn't do a lot of thinking.”
Kasie West, Sunkissed

Brandon Sanderson
“If that sounds like hypocrisy to you, well, we like to call it politics.”
Brandon Sanderson, Tress of the Emerald Sea

“You boys are the homosexual supporting cast”
Tamaki Suoh

Cat Marnell
“Math class was the worst. Those fucking graphing calculators! When my teachers handed out quizzes, I didn’t even try. I just handed them in blank.”
Cat Marnell, How to Murder Your Life

Cat Marnell
“Half an hour later, I was downstairs at my own desk when I felt my first ever stimulant kick. My heart beat a little faster. Then my brain was, like . . . aroused. Turned on. Stimulated—like Tyga in that gross song he wrote about having sex with Kylie Jenner when she turned eighteen.”
Cat Marnell, How to Murder Your Life

Cat Marnell
“Did I want to apply? Was autoerotic asphyxiation sexy? Of course!”
Cat Marnell, How to Murder Your Life

Cat Marnell
“Concerta was wack—Ritalin-ish; amateur hour.”
Cat Marnell, How to Murder Your Life

Sara Shepard
“If she was going to be broken, she would rather be broken with some style.”
Sara Shepard, Nowhere Like Home

Yi Zhu
“Based on his temper, he might says: “Xiao Sang Zhi comes and meets Ge Ge, and you are wearing makeup. You especially dress up for meeting me?â€�

Dream! On!

She rather be not very pretty than letting him have a chance to be narcissistic.”
Yi Zhu, Secretly, Secretly; But Unable to Hide It

“I care as much for the laws of your kind as you care what legislation dogs might pass.”
Victor Milan; George R. R. Martin

Verosika Vahn
“My apologies. I meant to…â€�

Sakr cocked a brow. “You meant to f**k my commander in the public showers?”
Asami Dashara, Legendary Conquests: The Captain

Maya Raine
“What crawled up your ass?"
"That fucking murderous Barbie”
Maya Raine, Unholy Bonds : A Serial Killer Romantic Suspense
tags: funny

“The power of Chris commands you! I am your motherfucking exorcist. Tell me!”
Vincent Hanna

Niedria D. Kenny
“My toxic trait is I love watching Christmas movies in July.”
Niedria D. Kenny

Max Brooks
“How come, when the dead began coming back to life, we didn’t know about it until they were breaking through our living room windows? Where the hell was the goddamn CIA!?!”
Max Brooks, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War

“No, it’s not Vaughn King,â€� I have enough courtesy to whisper because his royal highness’s name has been said twice now, and I’m fairly certain if it’s uttered again, he’s going to appear in front of us like Bloody Mary or Beetlejuice and glower at everyone within his eyesight.”
Rory Ireland, No Crosses Count

“Fetch stood and looked at her hoof. “You fool-asses going to do what I say?â€�

“Oh, yes,� Polecat said, his eyes glazing. “Anything. You tell me to lick your quim and I will serve without question.�

“If I need that done, I’ll ask Cissy,â€� Fetch returned. “She tells me you’re hopeless at it.”
Jonathan French

Nick Bannister
“Awake! Sun is shining, it’s Saturday morning.
I sit up in bed with some stretching and yawning.
My beautiful wife, the love of my life,
Looks terribly grim and it signals a warning...

I ask her, “My darling, what troubles you so?�
She goes on to tell me her tale of woe.
“I’ve booked a girls� dinner but I’ve nothing to wear!�
And now I must prepare for what she will declare.”
Nick Bannister, The Husband Chair

Nick Bannister
“I hope she backs down, but my chances are bleak,
When I reasonably tell her, “We just went last week!�
But she fixes a stare with that world-famous glare,
As my fate is confirmed: back to The Husband Chair.”
Nick Bannister, The Husband Chair

Tim Hawkins
“Now, I'm not claiming to have won any intelligence contests lately. I say lately because the last time I actually entered an intelligence contest was like seven years ago. It was pretty easy to sign up. I just had to send this guy two thousand dollars and answer some pretty tough questions from memory. They were mainly about my family history and some of my personal information--- stuff like my social security number and whatnot. I don't like to brag, but I aced it. The guy even sent me a framed certificate that now proudly hangs in the new office I built after we declared bankruptcy due to some random identity theft.
You think a fifth grader could do all that? I doubt it. Who are smarter now?”
Tim Hawkins

Holly  Jackson
“Real men wear floral when trespassing.”
Holly Jackson
tags: funny, haha, wow

“There's really no better way to tszuj up your life in moments of dire need other than, maybe, Vyvanse. Or cocaine. Or a molly. Or whatever.”
Kit Olsen, The Chic Diet: The Dietary and Psychological Tactics of the Urban Elite

Mark Greaney
“One of the men had been hurt; Mandy heard him cussing in English in the front passenger seat throughout the entire drive, using words she'd learned from her dad,”
Mark Greaney, Sentinel
tags: funny

Sarah J. Maas
“I’ve only heard my clients whispering about it every now and then. But there's a group that's formed right here in Rifthold and they want to put Aelin Galathynius back on Terrasen’s throne.â€� Her heart stopped beating, Aelin Galathynius, the lost heir of Terrasen. “Aelin Galathynius is dead,â€� she breathed.
Archer shook his head, “They don’t think so, they say she's alive and that she’s raising an army against the King. She’s looking to reestablish her court, to find what's left of King Orlons inner circle.â€� She just stared at him, willing her fingers to unclench, willing air into her lungs. If it were true - no, it wasn’t true. If these people actually claimed to have met the heir to the throne, then she had to be an impostor.”
Sarah J. Maas, Crown of Midnight

“Isn't the person who endlessly shoves Five Guys burgers into her mouth, all the while allowing her muffin top to grow exponentially, the one with the mental health issue?”
Kit Olsen, The Chic Diet: The Dietary and Psychological Tactics of the Urban Elite

Joe Biden
“We finally beat Medicare.”
Joe Biden

Rick Riordan
“Almost where?"
June chuckled. "All roads lead there, child. You should know that."
"Detention?" Percy asked.”
Rick Riordan, The Son of Neptune

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