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“What the holy hand grenade was that?”
― Josephine Angelini, Starcrossed

“Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again.”
― Monty Python

“Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.”
― Michael Palin

“Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace. He's kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, bit the dust, snuffed it, breathed his last, and gone to meet the great Head of Light Entertainment in the sky. And I guess that we're all thinking how sad it is that a man of such talent, of such capability for kindness, of such unusual intelligence, should now so suddenly be spirited away at the age of only forty-eight, before he'd achieved many of the things of which he was capable, and before he'd had enough fun. Well, I feel that I should say: nonsense. Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn't, if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him but mindless good taste.
(He paused, then claimed that Chapman had whipered in his ear while he was writing the speech):
All right, Cleese. You say you're very proud of being the very first person ever to say 'shit' on British television. If this service is really for me, just for starters, I want you to become the first person ever at a British memorial service to say 'fuck'.”
― John Cleese

“Apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health ... what have the Romans ever done for us?

Brought peace!”
― Monty Python, The Life of Brian: Screenplay

“You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives.”
― Rev. Arthur Belling Graham Chapman

“Monty Python: A documentary series on everyday life in Great Britain.”
― Frank Portman, King Dork

“Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.”
― Monty Python

“Father Pierre, why did you stay on in this colonial Campari-land, where the clink of glasses mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where waterfalls and whiskey wash away the worries of a world-weary whicker, where gin and tonics jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee of something beginning with J?”
― Monty Python's Flying Circus

“I loved Monty Python for the wordplay--this sense that you didn’t have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny.”
― George Saunders

“Sir Bedevere: "Tell me, what do you do with witches?"
Crowd: "Burn, burn them up!"
Sir Bedevere: "And what do you burn apart from witches?"
Villager: "More witches!”
― Monty Python and the Holy Grail

“Exeter was a walled city and on his arrival William found the rebels manning the whole circuit of its ramparts. In a final attempt to induce a surrender he ordered one of the hostages to be blinded in view of the walls, but, says Orderic, this merely strengthened the determination of the defenders. Indeed, according to William of Malmesbury, one of them staged something of a counter-demonstration by dropping his trousers and farting loudly in the king’s general direction.”
― Marc Morris, The Norman Conquest

“I think, no, I know that you are special, but some kind of saviour?â€� She grinned and slapped him, none too lightly, on the cheek. ‘You’re not the Messiah, you’re a very naughty boy.”
― Simon Brading, The Secret of the Ancients

“As had happened with Julius Caesar, it turned out that the people of Rome were actually quite keen on Gaius and were not fans of presumptuous senators and magistrates making unilateral decisions about the nature of Roman government with swords. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, they believed, not from some farcical bloody murder. Strange men in corridors distributing stab wounds was no basis for a system of government.”
― Emma Southon, A Fatal Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum: Murder in Ancient Rome

“Gilliam says of that time, ‘I thought at least getting the Catholics, Protestants and Jews all protesting against our movie was fairly ecumenical on our part. We only missed out on the Muslims. And I thought that was pretty fantastic to see, marching in the streets with placards against Brian. We had achieved something useful.”
― Robert Sellers, Very Naughty Boys

“Always look on the bright side of life.”
― Eric Idle, The Brand New Monty Python Papperbok

“This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late parrot! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!”
― John Cleese

“Similarly, if we ask "What have philosophers ever done for us?" we get involved in the following dialogue:
"Well, their examples help us to decide what we think about issues we haven't thought about before."
"Oh, yeah, well, that goes without saying, doesn't it?"
"And their examples help us discover whether we really believe what we say we believe, or not."
" Yeah, all right. I'll grant you that their examples help us to work out what we think, and to think better. But apart from helping us to work out what we think, clarifying our views, and helping us to solve hard problems, what do philosophers ever do for us?"
"Well, their examples are amusing."
James Taylor, "Why is a Philosopher Like a Python?”
― Gary L. Hardcastle, Monty Python and Philosophy: Nudge Nudge, Think Think!

“To determine the truth or falsity of a statement you not only need to a set of special experiences, but you need to know the truth of falsity of a host of other different statements as well. That is, verifying that the cat is on the mat is not a matter of experience alone, but of accepting all sorts of other different statements, all the way from "Light rays travel in straight lines" to "I am not having another one of those darn flashbacks."
"Themes in Contemporary Analytic Philosophy as Reflected in the Work of Monty Python”
― Gary L. Hardcastle, Monty Python and Philosophy: Nudge Nudge, Think Think!

“Due to his inconvenient insistence on being dead, Dr. Graham Chapman was unable, rather than unwilling, to give us an account of his early life on tape.”
― The Pythons, The Pythons Autobiography by The Pythons

“It seemed as though he had a fundamental belief that the merit of his argument depended on the strength of his feelings about the matter, and since he always felt uncontrollably passionate about everything, then clearly he was always right. This irrational claptrap, coming as it did from a swarthy, excitable, plump Celtic demi-dwarf, struck me not just as thoroughly impertinent but also as a noisy and ignorant attempt to undermine the most basic principles of the Enlightenment.”
― John Cleese, So, Anyway...

“We went on that programme and we’d done our homework, thinking we were going to get into quite a tough theological argument, but it turned out to be virtually a slinging match. We were very surprised by that. I don’t get angry very often but I got incandescent with rage at their attitude and the smugness of it. And it was really the way they played to the audience that got me. We weren’t defeated in argument at all. John was brilliant. What they were trying to do was to sort of smirk at the audience and belittle what we’d done and that seemed so out of touch and so stupid and so mistaken. I mean, how do they think the film was made? That we go in there one night, write the script and the film’s made the next morning? They don’t realise we’d been working on it for two years, we’d studied, that we had an opinion and we had an attitude, but they wouldn’t let us have that. So it was their condescension that really got me irritated.â€� Gilliam remembers having never seen Palin quite so pissed off before.”
― Robert Sellers, Very Naughty Boys

“Anaesthetic Aesthetic by Stewart Stafford

Crumbs infesting my bedsheets,
Sleeping sand in all the cracks,
As a hijack tick on a giant horse,
Awakened by deadening thudding.

Body falling down the elevator shaft,
Can you stop that instantly, friend?
I cannot focus on all my work here,
You should have water to cannonball.

And another stiff just fell down that,
Cool, go ahead if you have to leap,
You won't see me cleaning that mess,
Shattered carcasses, basement floor.

© Stewart Stafford, 2022. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Jeez,' said Beauvoir. 'The Inquisition. I didn't expect that.'

'No one does,' said Gamache.”
― Louise Penny, The Beautiful Mystery

“I don't know what happened, but in a pre-emptive strike, I'm offended on behalf of people who may have been offended even though that wasn't the intention. I'm also offended on behalf of people who may be allergic to apologies. Some people are probably offended by what I've written and I'm also offended on behalf of those people against myself.”
― Stewart Stafford

“I have a vevy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus”
― Monty Python, Monty Python: Life of Brian Monty