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** spoiler alert ** All right, so when we last left our creepy incestuous couple, Draco had just found out his dad was Voldemort, not Lucius Malfoy. Clarmione also found out that Draco was her brother, so that hot makeout session they'd had partway through the first book was now kind of icky, and further physical involvement strictly verboten.

So Voldemort is still alive! Oh noes. Enter the Clave and the Inquisitor, Dolores Umbridge. Umbridge has been sent to see if Draco is telling the truth that he had no idea Voldemort was his dad this whole time (we were led to think Voldemort was dead because he blew up his house and left body parts that actually belonged to the real Malfoys, in a move reminiscent of Peter Pettigrew blowing up a ton of Muggles and his pinkie finger in order to frame Sirius Black).

Ronrry is still in love with Clarmione, and they start dating, especially now that Clarmione is trying to squash down her incestuous feelings for her brother. Her mom is still in a coma.

Voldemort meanwhile has the Mortal Cup, which, like, makes Inferi.

So there's this sword, see, that knows when you're telling the truth. Kind of like Veritaserum-blade. It's held in the Silent City. Umbridge takes Draco down there and locks him up in the Silent City's Azkaban. But while he's there overnight, Voldemort shows up, kills the blind, mute monks, and steals the sword.

Meanwhile, Clarmione and the Scoobies hurry down to the City of Bones to rescue Draco, and she uses some crazy Alohamora charm to open the doors and manacles, but it, like, totally blows the motherfucking place apart. This may be important later.

It turns out the sword Voldemort has stolen is also a Mortal Instrument. It is the same sword the angel had in the Garden of Eden, when, you know, stuff happened after Adam and Eve sinned or something. So it's a tool of heaven, but there's this thing, see, where if you dip the sword in the blood of child versions of each of the four cool kinds of Downworlders (faerie, vampire, werewolf, warlock), you can, like, convert the blade into a Crazy Tool of Sin that makes all demons bend to your will and also calls them into your dimension. Or something. Obviously, Voldemort wants this very much.

Voldemort already has the warlock blood from this stupid little shit from the prologue who summons a Boggart for him and then dies of fear. Turns out the stupid little shit warlock's biggest fear was that his pentagram would not hold back the power of a Boggart. Winning! Then he kills a faerie child in Central Park or some shit, and now the Seelie Court is Displeased. You don't fuck with faeries, man. You just don't.

Draco is still in big trouble with Umbridge.

Hoping for help, Draco, Clarmione, Ronrry, and, I don't know, Xander and Willow? Anyway, they all go to the Seelie Court to talk to the Faerie Queen. She's convinced it's the vampires, I mean, OBVIOUSLY, since vampires drain things of blood and stuff. She says that Draco and Clarmione have certain gifts that Voldemort gave them in creepy science experiments or such.

Also, it is important to note that faeries are tricksy! They are tricksy and not to be trusted! The faeries lay out a faerie picnic for Draco, Clarmione, Ronrry, and the Scoobies. Draco tells them not to eat anything, but Clarmione has dipped her finger into the goblet and crushed a flower petal, then a pixie thing bites her finger, and she sucks on her finger, also drinking a bit of the juice. And once you've eaten faerie food, you have to stay in the faerie kingdom.

Draco's like, "This is effing ridiculous!" so the Faerie Queen agrees to let Clarmione go if she kisses the person she desires most in the world. And, hint, it's not Ronrry Pottsley. So there's a full-on V.C. Andrews disturbing brother-sister make-out session that ... wow, it goes on for quite some time. And everyone's watching. The Faerie Queen is obviously a V.C. Andrews fan, because she lets Clarmione go, but Ronrry won't look at her, and he runs off as soon as they're back in Manhattan.

Um, so then Ronrry gets turned into a vampire. I'm serious.

Snapin and one of the wolves from his pack, Leah, get attacked by the slug things from Doublemeat Palace. He shows up in Bella's truck. Leah's badly injured. She also freaks out when she runs into Ronrry the Vampire, even though they were sort of friendly earlier. Snapin says he's going to the truck to repark it, but he disappears, and Clarmione and Draco go in search of him, fighting off more slug things. Snapin is also crazy injured, so Gay Xander calls his fab Grand Warlock secret boyfriend to come heal everyone up.

Draco sneaks off, having found out from Doublemeat Palace Slug where Voldemort is hiding. He rides Sirius Black's vampire-owned flying motorcycle to the Black Pearl ship in the middle of the East River. He is faced with a Boggart, and he sees Clary dead. Voldemort calls off the Boggart, and then he's all, "If you join me, Skywalker, I will make sure none of your friends get hurt." Draco holds the sword for a moment and sees all the demons about to break through into our dimension.

The Scoobies are trying to figure out what Clarmionie's gift is, and she can, like, write Runes that no one even KNOWS, kind of the way Lyra can read the Althiometer. They challenge her to create a Rune to take away fear, and she TOTALLY DOES. They put it on Gay Xander's body, and then when Gay Xander's parents show up, he has SO LITTLE FEAR that he just about outs himself from the Big Gay Shadowhunter Closet until Draco stops him.

Umm, what else? Umbridge catches up to them again because she'd put a tracer on the shard of the two-way mirror thing that Sirius gave Harry and he'd see Dumbledore's eye in--remember that? Anyway, so she knows exactly where Draco's been and locks him up until further notice in a room at Hogwarts-Manhattan campus, putting him in this magical cage made of angel blades and electric fencing. She says her plan is to trade Draco to Voldemort for the Mortal Instruments. Of course Voldemort would choose his own son over a cup and a sword, right? Umbridge seems upset about SOMETHING LIKE MAYBE HER SON WAS KILLED SOMEHOW BY VOLDEMORT, but no one can figure it out even though it's pretty obvious if you have more than one working brain cell.

The cage, however, doesn't have a lid, because Umbridge isn't that smart, so Draco, with Gay Xander's help, leaps out of the top like a cat, or perhaps Superman.

Meanwhile, Leah has leapt out the window to go apologize to Ronrry. But then she runs into the ghost of her dead, sociopathic, abusive twin brother, and really it's the Boggart, and Voldemort catches her!

Ronrry is on the phone with Clarmione when he says that someone is breaking into his house. It's Voldemort.

Somehow Draco puts together that Voldemort needs child vampire and child werewolf blood still, and that that's why he wanted Ronrry the Vampire and Leah. The Vampire fell in love with the Werewolf. I mean, the vampire and the werewolf wake up on the Black Pearl in the East River.

Gay Xander and Willow eavesdrop outside the room where Voldemort has hologram-conference-called in with Umbridge, where he rejects her offer, and she's all, "What the what?" Gay Xander and Willow bust in and tell them everything that's going on, and Umbridge goes slightly catatonic, but calls the rest of the Clave and the adult Order of the Phoenix people who are around at the moment.

Ronrry and Leah are chained up on the Black Pearl. Voldemort comes in and slashes Ronrry the Vampire's throat.

Draco and Clarmione and Snapin climb into Bella's truck, and they race off to the Black Pearl.

Big Gay Warlock has put a charm onto Bella's truck and changed it to the Weasley's Ford Anglia, which now is like a duck boat and can drive right over the water. Draco asks Clarmione to put the "fearless" rune on his skin, which she does.

Big battle, demons, whatever, it goes on forever and I really don't care. Umbridge dies saving Draco. Clarmione finds Leah, who tells her that Ronrry is dead. She frees Leah and runs to find Voldemort.

Draco finds Ronrry's body ... but he's not dead ... yet. Draco lets him feed off of him like that one time in Season 3 of Buffy when Angel gets hit with that arrow dipped in poison that is deadly to vampires unless they drink the blood of a Slayer, and Buffy punches Angel in the face until he drinks from her. It's kind of like that. So Ronrry is just fine. Draco then kills the Boggart because he is FEARLESS, see? He's fearless.

Clarmione tries to face off with Voldemort, and everyone ends up in a room together: Clarmione, Voldemort, Draco, Ronrry, Leah. Wait, is Leah there? I don't remember, and I just finished the book like half an hour ago. Anyway, it looks like they're all going to die horribly and Voldemort is going to win, but then Clarmione draws this Rune on the floor that makes the entire Black Pearl disintegrate and explode simultaneously.

They do that Harry Potter thing where everyone is unconscious after the big battle thing, and when they wake up, they get the explanations and the denouement. Everyone thought Clarmione was dead, and Draco saved Ronrry by putting him on a floating metal hunk in the river, much like Leo di Caprio put Kate Winslet on the door so she doesn't freeze in the Atlantic after the Titanic sinks. The sun is rising, and Ronrry will die and explode because sunlight-non-sparkly-vampires-it-burns syndrome. But it turns out he's just fine because he was mostly filled with Draco blood. He's still a vampire, but he won't be killed by the sun.

Ronrry breaks up with Clarmione because he thinks he'd be better off with another Downworlder, like, hanging out with Leah. Because they are a crazy vampire/werewolf couple who can totally MAKE IT WORK.

Clarmione is going to tell Draco that fuck it, she doesn't care if it's incest, but then Draco's all, "I'll just love you as a brother, because that's what you want, right?" And she agrees.

Then there's a lady waiting outside the hospital where her mom's still in a coma. It turns out that her mom put the coma on herself so Voldemort wouldn't get the answers he wanted out of her. The lady was apparently the Secret-Keeper in this scenario, so she tells Clarmione that she can wake her mom from the coma THE END THE END THE END!

And that's what happens in this wholly original book.