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Anne's Reviews > The Return of the King
The Return of the King (The Lord of the Rings, #3)
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Oh...kay.
So this was the last book in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That second book tricked me into thinking this last one was going to be, I don't know, fast-paced & action-y?
Not so much. It was actually quite long. In fact, I didn't think it was ever going to end. And then once it did end and that ring got dumped off into a volcano and they beat Sauron back?
It kept going.
I shit you not, there is an entire fake history lesson written into the back of the book.
Alright. The best way I can describe the last TWO HOURS of the audiobook version of this is to say that it reminded me of those books in the Bible where so-n-so begat so-n-so.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, so two fucking hours of made-up names of kings and their made-up kingdoms and a snippet of something these people did.
I HONESTLY COULD NOT HAVE CARED ANY LESS.
By the end of it, I really felt like I could have used a Sam to drag my ass across the finish line.
But I didn't have a brave little Hobbit who loved me, so I just had to put my head down and plow through this shit.
PS - all of you who told me there was some awesome love story between Aragorn and Arwen?
Fuck you guys. That was awful and I can't believe I was looking forward to reading that. What is wrong with you people?!
Legolas and Gimli had a better love story with a much happier ending. And the thing is, I really thought I'd like Sam & Frodo more, but they were both just too weepy for my taste. As far as buddies went, I was team Gimli & Legolas all the way.
A big part of my frustration with this last book is that there were just so. many. unnecessary. conversations.
That time Aragorn had a 30 minute discussion about herbs with the healers who didn't know what that herb was that he needed to heal all the people with the black shadow sickness. The scene went on and on and on as he talked to one old lady nay, me lord! I didn't know whatthefuckever herb was good for healing! and then he talks to the top healer dude who says we only use whatthefuckever to occasionally to make sick rooms smell better, sire. and then he has to shake his head sadly and then and get people to run around looking for it and then they find some of it but it's a few weeks old and it turns out that 3 week old whatthefuckever is still good enough to heal the folks...
And then he makes a joke about how silly all the healers were later. <--Ahahahahaha!
Yes. It was hilarious that you wasted all that time talking about an insignificant herb!
Move it along, sir.
Good stuff?
1) The friendships.
There was a lot more hugging and kissing and crying than I thought there would be in a tale about a bunch of dudes. It was sweet. And it was nice to see such deep feelings expressed between men (and elves and dwarves and Ents and horses).
2) Eowyn.
She was cool and badass and all the things. If the whole book had been about her, I think I would have liked it a lot more.
3) Really it was just Eowyn.
Sorry.
I wanted to love this, and I went into book 3 with the best of intentions. I swear. I didn't read it just to dump on the world's most beloved fantasy novel. I still respect the hell out of the entire trilogy even though I really can't say that I liked it or enjoyed it much.
And I definitely don't regret finally finishing this and ticking it off of my bucket list.
Well worth it to know the story that spawned a thousand more stories.
Recommended for people who like this stuff.
So this was the last book in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. That second book tricked me into thinking this last one was going to be, I don't know, fast-paced & action-y?
Not so much. It was actually quite long. In fact, I didn't think it was ever going to end. And then once it did end and that ring got dumped off into a volcano and they beat Sauron back?
It kept going.
I shit you not, there is an entire fake history lesson written into the back of the book.
Alright. The best way I can describe the last TWO HOURS of the audiobook version of this is to say that it reminded me of those books in the Bible where so-n-so begat so-n-so.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, so two fucking hours of made-up names of kings and their made-up kingdoms and a snippet of something these people did.
I HONESTLY COULD NOT HAVE CARED ANY LESS.
By the end of it, I really felt like I could have used a Sam to drag my ass across the finish line.
But I didn't have a brave little Hobbit who loved me, so I just had to put my head down and plow through this shit.
PS - all of you who told me there was some awesome love story between Aragorn and Arwen?
Fuck you guys. That was awful and I can't believe I was looking forward to reading that. What is wrong with you people?!
Legolas and Gimli had a better love story with a much happier ending. And the thing is, I really thought I'd like Sam & Frodo more, but they were both just too weepy for my taste. As far as buddies went, I was team Gimli & Legolas all the way.
A big part of my frustration with this last book is that there were just so. many. unnecessary. conversations.
That time Aragorn had a 30 minute discussion about herbs with the healers who didn't know what that herb was that he needed to heal all the people with the black shadow sickness. The scene went on and on and on as he talked to one old lady nay, me lord! I didn't know whatthefuckever herb was good for healing! and then he talks to the top healer dude who says we only use whatthefuckever to occasionally to make sick rooms smell better, sire. and then he has to shake his head sadly and then and get people to run around looking for it and then they find some of it but it's a few weeks old and it turns out that 3 week old whatthefuckever is still good enough to heal the folks...
And then he makes a joke about how silly all the healers were later. <--Ahahahahaha!
Yes. It was hilarious that you wasted all that time talking about an insignificant herb!
Move it along, sir.
Good stuff?
1) The friendships.
There was a lot more hugging and kissing and crying than I thought there would be in a tale about a bunch of dudes. It was sweet. And it was nice to see such deep feelings expressed between men (and elves and dwarves and Ents and horses).
2) Eowyn.
She was cool and badass and all the things. If the whole book had been about her, I think I would have liked it a lot more.
3) Really it was just Eowyn.
Sorry.
I wanted to love this, and I went into book 3 with the best of intentions. I swear. I didn't read it just to dump on the world's most beloved fantasy novel. I still respect the hell out of the entire trilogy even though I really can't say that I liked it or enjoyed it much.
And I definitely don't regret finally finishing this and ticking it off of my bucket list.
Well worth it to know the story that spawned a thousand more stories.
Recommended for people who like this stuff.
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Reading Progress
December 12, 2022
–
Started Reading
December 12, 2022
– Shelved
December 28, 2022
–
Finished Reading
Comments Showing 1-50 of 203 (203 new)
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Jonathan
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Dec 28, 2022 03:15PM
😆 Very funny stuff, my friend. I finished 'Fellowship' about a month ago and I feel like all my concerns about continuing are, unfortunately, confirmed in this review! 😅 I'll still finish it but I can't say I'm looking forward to it exactly. I feel like the first book is 90% setting up camp, setting off from camp and describing the landscape! 😴
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Ugh same! I trudged through these books as a young adult and I’m glad I read them but I will never ever do that to myself again.Really enjoyed The Hobbit though�.has a much lighter feel to it with way less trudgery.
Jonathan wrote: "😆 Very funny stuff, my friend. I finished 'Fellowship' about a month ago and I feel like all my concerns about continuing are, unfortunately, confirmed in this review! 😅 I'll still finish it but I ..."It is! But you've got to do it, Jonathan! Power through. And I'm not just saying that because misery loves company. REALLY! lol
Jess ❈Harbinger of Blood-Soaked Rainbows� wrote: "Ugh same! I trudged through these books as a young adult and I’m glad I read them but I will never ever do that to myself again.Really enjoyed The Hobbit though�.has a much lighter feel to it wit..."
Everyone says that! I'm honestly tempted to read it but this last go-round has me scared. I may just need time to recuperate.
Eddie wrote: "Lmao Anne you Crack me up"Thanks, Eddie!
you heathen you.wish you a happy new year, Anne :D
Watching the movie first and going through the book was completely different. Movie ended in 2/3 of this book 🤣🤣🤣 the carries on and on ....
Oh dear, I'm planning on attempting to read this series again (on audiobook) next year after just having watched the movies over the Christmas break. I love the movies, but the third one is my least favourite, because not a whole lot happens (just battle after battle after battle). Even like you say, after the ring is destroyed there is a whole chunk after that, and even watching this part of the movie was making me restless,...I think reading this section will send me around the twist. Hmmm, dunno if I should bother reading this series...I might just stick to the movies. 😬
Mitticus wrote: "you heathen you.wish you a happy new year, Anne :D"
Ha! Happy New Year to you, as well, Mitticus!
Saif wrote: "Watching the movie first and going through the book was completely different. Movie ended in 2/3 of this book 🤣🤣🤣 the carries on and on ...."I haven't watched the movies yet, but now that I'm done with the books...! I'm assuming they will make me have fond remembrances of my time in the Shire.
Ulrika wrote: "Oh dear, I'm planning on attempting to read this series again (on audiobook) next year after just having watched the movies over the Christmas break. I love the movies, but the third one is my leas..."Nah, go ahead and give it a shot on audiobook. But I'll understand if book 3 pushes you over the edge of sanity. I felt like I was spinning and spinning and spinning there for a while.
You did better than me. I never even finished the 3rd book. You'd think after all that time spent reading the first two books I'd have at least finished the story.... Nope!
We all needed a Sam to carry us through this slog...likewise Game of Thrones books. I love The Hobbit book and the Lord of the Rings movie. Tolkien is clearly brilliant. But a good editor could have done the books wonders.
Pete wrote: "You did better than me. I never even finished the 3rd book. You'd think after all that time spent reading the first two books I'd have at least finished the story.... Nope!"That was my thought the ENTIRE time. I'm not stopping now, dammit. lol
Dimitrios wrote: "We all needed a Sam to carry us through this slog...likewise Game of Thrones books. I love The Hobbit book and the Lord of the Rings movie. Tolkien is clearly brilliant. But a good editor could hav..."I need to pick up GoT again, but I want to wait till he finishes the last book.
And yes, an editor that liked to chop/chop/chop would have made all the difference to me. But can you imagine how short RotK would be if they took out all the parts that didn't do anything to move the story forward? Yikes!
Mir wrote: "Have you read Thick as Thieves? That's probably my favorite buddy-fantasy."No! Really? Ok, I'm putting it on my list right now. Thanks, Mir!
Actually, my library has it, so I'm getting it as we speak.
![[Name Redacted]](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1347082397p1/287915.jpg)
You and I are very different people, Anne. VERY different people.
[Name Redacted] wrote: "You and I are very different people, Anne. VERY different people."I had an inkling. Over the years I've noticed a slight difference in our taste. BUT! I still love you, Redacted.
Yup. Shocks you to the core, I know.
Well, that was an interesting review. And as I don't want to make it any longer, I'll just say that I'm glad you finished it, despite not liking it, so you know now where other stories come from.The appendices are only for fans, if you're not, it can be boring. You could have stopped after the ending, and skipped that part.
The problem with the appendix (if you even want to call it a problem) was that there were those two "real" stories in there, as well. I wouldn't have wanted to skip the last story with Gimli and Legolas, even if I had known it was skippable.
i lol so much reading your review.😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆in my case misery does love company.
i do not recall details of this one but i know i was bored. i say to everybody that the reason the movies are great is because Jackson and team had every detail they needed to design, create, and script the movies in the books. Tolkien loved to share boring details about every little thing. ugh.
the LOTR movies are great but long. intermissions are needed.
the Hobbit is short and sweet. Nothing like the other books.
Jackson's hobbit movies are not like the book. Watch the cartoon of the hobbit instead. i think it was a BBC production.
Well, my son is a HUGE LotR fan, so we have all the movies. I'll see if I can get him to "loan" them to me for the weekend and I'll watch them with as many potty breaks as I need. He told me the same thing about the Hobbit. He loved the book and recommend that I stay away from the Hobbit Trilogy movies.
That animation for the cartoon looks creepy as hell, though!! lol
Ha, got through the first book and a half and then fizzled out. I'll have to re attempt at some point, because I did really like the buddy moments with everyone
Anne wrote: "PS - all of you who told me there was some awesome love story between Aragorn and Arwen?What is wrong with you people?!"
(view spoiler)
All of us (?) cannot accept full responsibility for your disappointment in the love story told in an appendix.
You had completed three full books authored by Professor Tolkien.
Surely, you weren’t expecting velvet wrapped pink steel hidden beneath a tartan kilt at this point? Tolkien completed LotR almost 20 years before Danielle Steel published. He had no real frame of reference from which to write romance. Even Tolkien’s romantic predecessor, DH Lawrence, made intimacy somewhat prosaic despite having Lover in his scandalous book’s title.
I always preferred the love story between (view spoiler). Much more naughty. Lots of drawn out herbal healing going on between that pair.
Anne wrote: "In fact, I didn't think it was ever going to end. And then once it did end and that ring got dumped off into a volcano and they beat Sauron back?It kept going."
My ex father-in-law had much the same experience with the final installment of Peter Jackson’s trilogy.
(view spoiler)
”Alright. The best way I can describe the last TWO HOURS of the audiobook version of this is to say that it reminded me of those books in the Bible where so-n-so begat so-n-so.
You know what I'm talking about?�
Yes! Aren’t those just the best books in the Bible? Lots of begatting. The Bible could use a little more female representation in the begatting, but that seems to be more of a modern sensibility.
You read (listened?) to the appendices???
ճ’s hardcore.
(view spoiler)
I will eventually thank you for your candid (and humorous) review after I pick up the shattered pieces of my early teen years.
I tried reading LotR in my teens and couldn’t get into it. In university, I took some classes in Old English and Middle English literature, and that changed my appreciation for the books - I suddenly saw where Tolkien was coming from. In a way, LotR is a kind of love song for the time period he specialized in as a professor. I also think - tell me if you agree - that as modern readers, we prefer faster paced, more action-oriented, and leaner prose than readers of the past. So often, I read an older book and find myself thinking that it could use a good editor. For example, I like Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and it certainly had a lot of drama and action, but there were also places where it dragged and felt repetitive. Is that because I was already well-versed in vampire lore before reading it? Or because, unlike the Victorian audience that first read it, I’m used to stories being condensed into one hour television shows or two hour movies?
I can certainly recall that, as a youth, I loved thick books that I could immerse myself in, during slow summers when I had little else to do. Now, I usually listen to audiobooks while I’m cooking or doing dishes or walking - and i usually have them playing at 1.25 or 1.5 speed. I’ve listened to some books at 2.0 speed! Speed it up, multi-task, get to the good part� I feel that, even over the course of my own life, the way I consume books has changed.
This is a long way of saying that I agree with what you’ve said, and I can imagine how I would rework LotR if I were tasked with editing it. But I also wonder if the reason the same stories get retold over time is that there is a constantly shifting relationship between story and audience. Tolkien was celebrating a tradition of story-telling that doesn’t fit our modern demands for story. (Also - I never bothered with the Appendices. Those are for geeks :-) )
Jenny wrote: "Ha, got through the first book and a half and then fizzled out. I'll have to re attempt at some point, because I did really like the buddy moments with everyone"It's a hard one to get through, but it's like finishing a marathon in that it sucks, but you feel good about yourself when it's over.
Dave wrote: "I will eventually thank you for your candid (and humorous) review after I pick up the shattered pieces of my early teen years."I don't know what all appendixes were stuffed in there or if they skipped over anything to do the common reader a favor.
The beginning part was just this long drawn-out thing about former kings that (I think?) tied into stuff about recent kings, Aragorn and Arwen, some shit about the hobbits, a whole long thing about dwarves, and finally ended with Legolas and Gimli.
It hurts my head to think about it.
Mircah wrote: "I tried reading LotR in my teens and couldn’t get into it. In university, I took some classes in Old English and Middle English literature, and that changed my appreciation for the books - I sudden..."I agree with everything you said, especially how Dracula could have been cut in half without losing anything.
And much like Dracula, Tolkien did something crazy here that will remain a classic must-read for all fantasy fans.
Anne wrote: "The beginning part was just this long drawn-out thing about former kings that (I think?) tied into stuff about recent kings, Aragorn and Arwen, some shit about the hobbits, a whole long thing about dwarves, and finally ended with Legolas and Gimli."ճ’s all in Appendix A…which is the most “story-like� of the appendices.
You were indeed spared.
ܳ�
It’s never too late to check the book out from the library and learn to write in Quenyan…just one form of High Elvish. Then, you can learn Klingon. Think of all the career opportunities!
I admire your tenacity.
You did it!!! Even without a Samwise to see you through.
Having successfully completed your pre-requisite course in LotR, you are now ready to delve into the even more epic sci-fi journey that is Dune (lots of romance in that one, too…Alia and (view spoiler)).
I read the first Dune book, and that was enough.
Anne wrote: "I read the first Dune book, and that was enough."That is only the…tip.
Not entirely satisfying.
But stopping there does avoid the majority of the ensuing weirdness.
Yeah, I'm done. Especially when I found out how many books there were and that the main characters all die off.
Anne wrote: "Yeah, I'm done. Especially when I found out how many books there were and that the main characters all die off."Frank only wrote six books in the Dune-iverse. (Although if you persist through the six, you would probably want to read Hunters and Sandworms…his son’s attempt to “finish� the series based on his notes.)
Dune Messiah is tiny. The remainder of the six are hefty.
I’m not sure Paul was ever a main character. (I’m also not sure that he died.) If there was any “main� or recurring character in the series, I would suggest a certain ghola.
There is a 3000+ year gap between books 3 and 4. Not many characters could survive that.
I always felt that humanity was the main character of the series. How do we avoid ourselves? And prescience is absolutely not the answer.
But there are soooooo many other good and great books to read.
Today, you should bask in your victory over Tolkien. No easy task. And all completed in 2022. Well done.
It’s been a few years since I have read THE trilogy and your reviews have inspired me. Thank you.
I hope you sit down and re-read all of these, Dave. And I hope that all the same magic is there for you when you do.I do think Tolkien will be my victory this year! Thanks!
I’m happy that you were able to finish the trilogy. Quite a feat! Your review brought back memories from many, many years ago when I read this one. I started to get bored about 2/3 or 3/4 through it, and skimmed the remainder to finish it. Although I’ve only read one audiobook, I’m tempted to try The Fellowship of the Ring in audio. When you recover from this one, I’d suggest you read The Hobbit. It is what lured me to read the trilogy.
Happy New Year!
Thanks, Gary! The Hobbit keeps popping up as a gateway drug for Lord of the Rings, so (yes) as soon as I've recovered, I'm going to go for the Hobbit.Good luck with the audiobook for this one!
Anne wrote: "I hope you sit down and re-read all of these, Dave. And I hope that all the same magic is there for you when you do."I will most definitely be in a seated or supine position.
I have read these books so many times. I first started over 40 years ago. The books have perhaps lost a bit of excitement for me, but they feel like the most well worn and comfy shoes ever now. Which is its own special bit of magic. Growing old with someone or some thing. 🙂 Now, I’m feeling all Velveteen Rabbit-esque.
Thank you.
We all want some magic from the stories we choose.
Thank you for sharing your victory with us.
*fist pump*I did it!!!!
Silly, but it feels like such an accomplishment.
Don’t forget that you demolished the Agatha Christie library, too.Your arm is going to tire from all the fist pumping. You may have to enlist your young ones to help you, Moses-style, with the fist pumping.
But I didn't! I'm still missing books from the Agatha Christie library. UNBELIEVABLY! I only have ONE Poirot book left, but it's his last book and I want to read it LAST.
I keep digging through all of the short story collections (which is why I have so many 'read in a different collection' Christie stuff on that shelf) and finding outliers!
Some of the short stories have 2 or 3 versions! She's killing me. lol
4) No Tom Bombadil "Recommended for people who like this stuff" hahaha
Rae wrote: "4) No Tom Bombadil "Recommended for people who like this stuff" hahaha"
Tom Bombadil is for hardcore fans, and maybe even they will think twice before reading, it's not a pleasant read (I've read it recently, and it wasn't pleasant for sure)
Feel like LOTR is a notch on the belt series even if you didn’t like it 🤣 overall, I felt the same so.
