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When A-- H-- woke up this morning, at the crack of dawn, she was in no way prepared for the absolute dismay she would have to face during the day. As she pulled her long, black hair into a bun, she contemplated the decision she had made the previous night. She had decided, bravely, to read Dan Brown's new treatise on the amalgamation of history and technology, religion and science. As she thumbed through the massive tome, she was, despite her initial trepidation, caught unawares of how crummy the book was going to be. You see, in this opus, Anuradha had to face her worst enemy yet. Purple prose coupled with a storyline so dreadful, she had to prod herself into finishing it. Anuradha was no quitter. She had endured much worse before.

As she boarded the metro for her morning class, she looked at her reflection in the window of the train and sighed. Today was going to be a long day. It was in no way going to help the bags under her eyes, but she knew she had to do it. She had to prove it to herself, if nothing else. It was like nothing she had read before. She read in horror as she saw Langdon fly into his "white male saviour" mode and try and save the world in a day. "If he can save the world in one day, I can read this book in the same time", she reflected. She had read enough of Brown's books to know that her troubles had only just began. She chuckled to herself wisely, knowingly. She knew what was coming, and she was prepared for it. At the same time, she couldn't help but wonder, how much preparation was enough preparation?

She took deep, calming breaths and trudged along. She gave a small yelp of pain as she read about every leap, jump, explosion, care chase and art piece mentioned. "Great, there has to be JARVIS in this", she muttered to herself, as her neighbour looked at her with disgust. Little did he know about exactly how much was at stake. She groaned as she read about the quintessential "assassin", the hot lady, her other love interest and the old-fashioned people determined to hurt Langdon. She gave an inward chuckle when she concluded that of course, Langdon wouldn't be the one hurt. Little by little, she started piecing the plot together, when alas, she had to get down for her class. Her German class, though usually interesting, held little interest for her today. All she wanted was more time to figure out who the villain was, and to know if her prediction was right. But as it had to, on such a crucial day, time was a total shrew.

Anuradha practically ran out of the class, her arms and legs flailing around her. She didn't find a seat on the way back, so she had to manage standing. It was okay. Everything would be okay if she was right. "I can bet that (view spoiler)[JARVIS (hide spoiler)] is the villain", she texted her brother, but alas, the train went underground and she lost network. She cursed in the dark and continued to read the damned book. Soon, as it had to happen, her stop came and she had to get down again. "This book is going around in circles. Why do all books have to be the same. And why do they have to be so big?" she grumbled. She was hungry, tired, and just wanted the ordeal to be over. She looked up at the sky, groaned because of the sun, and began her long walk home. Heavy bag on her back, and a doorstopper of a book in her hand.

She was only halfway done, and she didn't know if she would survive the day. "Tell mom and dad I love them", she texted her brother again. "Stop being so melodramatic", he texted back. You're going to be just fine. She gave a grim half-smile to herself. Little did he know. Halfway through the book, though, she was tempted to take the wise princess Elsa's advice and let it go, but she persisted. This was her Everest and she was going to conquer it. She sipped her coke and continued, rubbing her perspiring brow and kneading her forehead. She was going to do it. She was going to weave through the copious info dump and live through the terrible storyline. "I can finish it. I am sure of it", she whispered to herself and smiled.

And then, she reached *that* part of the book. The part where Dan Brown tries to (and he really does try) make it as dramatic as possible, but she pretty much knew what was coming. There was no surprised gasp when she read it. A knowing smile, yes. She knew where he was going with this. To her, it was very obvious. "Could really be this easy? This weak?" she thought to herself. (view spoiler)["I mean, we have been talking about singularity for years. It's pretty much a given", she said to herself. "This only reiterates my conclusion about JARVIS". (hide spoiler)] It went much faster from there, after all, she was almost at the end. (view spoiler)["Ha ha, Brown, making the the Father and the father gay", she thought, and then grinned at herself. She was good with puns, she was. Of course there had to be that element of "forbidden love". Which Langdon book is complete without that? (hide spoiler)] "You have got to stop making these things so obvious, my dear Brown", she thought. "Just a few more pages, you can do it", she pushed herself. "You'll get a chance to write that review you've been meaning to, you know how much you want to do it", she said to herself.

And then, suddenly, she screamed, "I knew it, I knew it. You're predictable as fuck Langdon", as her mother looked at her in amusement. (view spoiler)["Breaking the laws of robotics, ha Brown? Trying to mess with the truth?", she said softly. (hide spoiler)] And then, suddenly, she was free. She had done it. She had finished the book. She could breathe the air around her, enjoy the chirping of the birds. She smiled softly to herself. She had done it. She was victorious. The next book was going to be another adventure. Another day. She also hoped to herself, beyond hope, that maybe some day, Dan Brown will actually learn to write. "Well, a girl can dream", she thought.

If you think this review is terrible, imagine how bad the book was. I tried making it Dan Brown-esque, but I don't think I was very successful in my attempt. Purple prose is not my strength. Parts of it have been overdramatised for effect. I will never wake up at the crack of dawn. Of course, it's missing symbols, codes and poetry, but this was all the time I had. Maybe I'll build on this when I have more time.

The book though, is just awful. I appreciate that Brown takes time before his books to do his "research", I do. I also understand that Asimov's laws aren't the gospel truth. If you've churned out some seven books, however, this doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that the research and language are still shite. Essentially, I have nothing to look forward to here. Also, please for the sake of all that is sane and good, the obsessive and excessive describing of everything needs to stop. It makes my head hurt. There is such a thing as too much, and this book was just that. I will give Danny this though, this book was leaps and bounds better than his previous book, and even marginally better than his third.

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INITIAL REVIEW:

Once was fun, twice was okay. The fourth time had me saying "kill me now". Curiosity killed the cat, and someday it will kill Anuradha. Will it be this book that does the trick? We can only wait...

Side note: The final cover of the book hasn't been released yet, and the expected date of publication is a good eight months from now. How does this book already have a rating of 3.89? Me wonders.