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I finished this audiobook more than two weeks ago and I still really don't know how to review it. It was heartbreaking. I was not a mother when Columbine happened. I was stunned when I saw the news that day but I can't recall ever considering how the mothers of the shooters might be feeling. Ever. This is devastating. Sue Klebold's life as she knew it ended abruptly on that day 17 years ago when she not only lost her son, but was left behind to piece together a puzzle that could never be completed. Her son, a passive and shy high school senior about to go off to college, was dead and he was also a mass murderer. Along with her personal devastation, she was grief-stricken for the victims, their families, and the community. She had to grieve the loss of her son in so many ways: the boy she knew and loved, as well as the boy she didn't know, who did the unthinkable. With each piece of new information, typically shared months apart, she would learn something new, shocking, and uncharacteristic about her youngest son. In addition, there were death threats, copious hate mail, unending questions, unfathomable guilt, endless lawsuits and public scrutiny. I'm not sure how she survived. She has found her place as a suicide prevention advocate. Having interviewed and spoken with countless professionals over the years, she shares in the second half of the book the studies and professional opinions that support a greater emphasis on understanding, removing the stigma around, and treating brain health issues.

I didn't feel she ever attempted to defend her parenting, her family, or her son. Nor do I feel she shifted blame to the other shooter. She spoke her truth and described her family life. It is evident that there were no signs of what was to come. Her advice is to keep asking questions, search rooms, read journals. This is advice I will take.

My opinion upon finishing this book goes to the media and our country's quick-to-judge pastime of shaming others and gaining something from another's sorrow. I wonder how different this woman's recovery from trauma would have been had the media embraced their family and strived to show them in a better light. Small acts of kindness are mentioned throughout this memoir, which speaks to how affecting they were. What if the media had showed some kindness? The author pointed out many things misconstrued and intentionally misreported by the media. This, of course, is where public opinion is formed. (One piece of information that was true was Sue keeping her standing hair appointment, though it was changed to after closing time and she kept it only at the urging of others to keep things "normal." She admits she gave her hairdresser permission to talk about her appointment when asked but I felt it was cruel to capitalize on the actions of a distraught woman, who hadn't slept or eaten in days, let alone judge her for it. I'm sure she was out of her mind with grief and simply going through the motions, but she was villianized for this act, though she sobbed uncontrollably throughout the process. I understand how it looks on the surface but it seemed very unkind on the part of the hairdresser and sleezy on the part of the media.)

In the end, Sue Klebold will never have the answers she seeks. This woman has been through and will always be in hell. She is very quick to attempt to put herself in the place of others, consider how she would feel if she were the parent of a victim, consider where her presence might be a trigger for trauma for the victims...in other words, she is empathic, caring, and to this day feels responsible. I applaud this brave, heartbreaking book and her attempt to help others with it. I hope that she can someday find a sense of peace. My God, she deserves it.


**Sue Klebold is extremely smart, well-spoken and an excellent writer but I am very glad I opted for the audio. Hearing her voice, steeped in grief, regret, confusion and abject pain added an element to the story that I suspect would not translate on the page. In part two, she sounds determined, driven, and knowledgable. I cannot recommend the audio highly enough. 4.5 stars.