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1 out of 10

Ревью в моем блоге/This review on my blog
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Genre: fantasy, NA, erotic
Stuff: Fae, sex
Fail: the book itself
WOW: the book isn't endless
POV: 1st-person, female
Love-Geometry: seeming

Quote-Core:

"...flat and dull."

Buddy-read with Vera and Nastassja. Girls... it's over. Dobby is free! Also go read review by dear Simona, this is a pure and reasonable fun.

You know that feeling when under a Christmas tree there's no puppy your parents promised to buy? Now imagine that there's a pterodactyl instead. It's unique, your family would say. Go love it. Who cares that it's weird, has no fur, and probably smells. This is your puppy, dear. Its name is ACOMAF.

Yep, this kind of present I've got from my ex-favorite author, and I won't be nice, 'cause it's one thing to expect something bad from a book or expect nothing at all and then get it, and another to be a priori in love and to meet with the worst 624 pages of 2016 after a year of hard anticipation.

You might assume that I'm that angry because I was team-Tam. Nope, I was always on Rhys's side. Yes, guys, there are other reasons to rolling my eyes and face-walling my face. I'd try to collect them all.

WARNING: This review contains spoilers (if one can call predictable things 'spoilers'), bad language, and my opinion, which is unpopular as hell. As Stiefvater said: "If this snake bit you, you had no one to blame but yourself."

Let's go...

ACOMAF, my friends, isn't a book for me, it's a fan-fiction for ACOTAR by its author herself. The only good thing I had spied under the cover is Sarah's writing. I mean:

"Azriel would likely love Mor until he was a whisper of darkness between the stars".

Beautiful, huh? I like HOW she writes, I just hate WHAT.

Since the only positive thing is already said, I can open my WTF-parade of A Court of Fuck and Vomit (see how accurate I was with a title: one-syllable word plus two-syllables word, it's a real deal).

World-building. There's none, just a mix of illogical details and fancy stuff. We have a suspiciously human-like place with seven courts which is called Prythian, an island with the Hybern Kingdom, and a bunch of people behind the wall. There are, also, High Lords, Priestesses, some Lesser Faeries, and Queens. Okay, but that's not enough. A lot of things in this series just are. Without explanations and reasons. How does the Fae-lands have a canalization system? Why Rhys is a High-Fae and a half-breed at the same time? We were told that High Fae can be born only from two High Fae. And it has sense. Why Alis said in ACOTAR and Rhys confirmed in ACOMAF that children are rare among Fae, only mates can create a new life, and then we hear about forced breeding and contraceptive tonics? How one can impregnate a woman if she isn't his mate and why does one would try to prevent fetation if children are hard to have? Why the Fae are known to be better than humans in every way when all of their laws and traditions are so barbaric and animal-like or stolen from the human world? Sarah didn't dwell on these things and didn't try to follow her own ideas. Did she hope Rhys would lure away the reader's attention?

Court-Building. The Night Court. This is a new level of whys, my friends. Why North is mixed up with 1001 Nights? For the sake of uniqueness and beauty? Okay. But I'm curious how people, who live in a place which is ruled by winter and snow and cold, ended up with kinda Arabic clothes? Like, guys, ain't I sexy in these translucent garments? Let's wear it no matter what! Well, in Velaris we see a bit different picture. Common faeries prefer leggings, socks, sweaters, and lace bras. Where're jeans then, and mini-skirts? Oops, did I mistake Night Court for a modern world? Who wouldn't? There are shops with sexy lingerie, high-end restaurants, various markets with masterpieces of art. All of these might be done in a historical fashion, but it screams: MADE IN XX AND XXI CENTURIES. This world is a child of a poor imagination or laziness.

Plot. What plot? I saw only forced decorations for Rhysand and Feyre's romance. MC meets new people, they talk, eat, walk, fly, plan to find this and that, then fight for a few pages, MC demonstrates to everyone how a true Mary Sue should punish her foes, then we have a pseudo-twist with a pseudo clever solution. And there's a lot of stuff without any cause. Like "We'll meet with the Queens in my family's house" or "Let's distract everyone by making-out on the throne 'cause we need to steal an orb from one of my subjects. Forget that I'm a High Lord and can order him to give it to us instead" or "Let's transform this girl into Fae just to show that Cauldron is safe and to have our Lucien a mate, and then let's transform the other, 'cause Cassian is single" or "I am the fucking bastard who sent Amarantha to Prythian, I trapped you in here, but everyone's free, 'cause this woman's spectacle with blinding light and tears was awesome like fucking Broadway Show".

Even aside from that, I have a lot of questions. Why do faeries want to enslave people? They have magic and can create everything, for what do they need such weak human help? Why Hybern is such a bad guy, what motives and goals does he have? For what he wanted to resurrect Jurian? Only to charm one of the Queens? Why does he want these Queens as his allies? Why Queens joined the King of Hybern? To become Fae? The very creatures they hated so much? Why Rhys has to pretend and rule two courts as two different Rhysands? He's the most powerful man in Prythian. No one would fight him for not being an aggressive dick or they would be punished since Rhys doesn't have any problems with killing or torturing those who deserve it. I have more whys and for-whats, but the review must go on.

Pages. I'm up for big books when their pages are filled with essential things. But what do we have here? 400 pages of unnecessary descriptions and far-fetched episodes vs. 224 pages of something that's close to the real story, but rather reminds of a sexy-fanfic. Someone should've thought harder over characters, their development, world-building, and plot-logic instead of who wears what, from what kind of materials, and how the hair of these persons is done. It's quality over quantity. Not vice versa.

Characters are the core, the soul of a story; my excitement about a book and a stage of involvement in a world hinge on its heroes and heroines. This is simple math: if I like characters, then every line, passage, and page seem important and full of life; if I don't, then I'm dying of boredom (and irritation too, 'cause boredom put your focus on every illogical thing, loose end and false move).

ACOMAF's characters are ruined. At least for me. Book #1 was one of my favorite reads, thanks to Rhysand, who was complicated, mysterious, dark, and hot. I wasn't a fan of Feyre or Tam, but their ship had dynamic and fire. Also, I liked Lucien, his funny sarcastic ass was a pleasure to have around. Here I despise them all. And not because they had changed; they had, but I'm OK with it, I know that we never knew the true personalities of Tamlin or Rhys �� one was wearing a mask (literately and figuratively), the other was just pretending �� and ACOMAF shows who they really are. And this is the whole point. I don't like these persons, they are flat, one-dimensional, exaggerated, dull. I'm not interested in a fantasy about some evil tyrant, who was involved only to make an ideal boyfriend look better in every way, as well as I don't give a damn about tales of a sugary Marty Stu, who's so different from everyone and awesome and sexy and *add any praise you please*. Also, I never dreamed about a story in which an average girl becomes the biggest Mary Sue and Special Snowflake.

Feyre. Her powers are simply unlimited, she's freaking goddess of Fae with all these tricks up her sleeve, but there's more, my dears, there's more... her vagina glows (with Rhysand only, of course, about other things those are 'with Rhysand only' we'll speak down the road). I didn't like Feyre much in the first book, but she had her charm, she was strong even in human form, she had to think harder, run faster and use all her force to get something and to survive. This was interesting while Feyre 2.0 is not. Sarah had tried to smooth her perfectly perfect creature with pseudo cons in a form of vomit and endless complaints, but it didn't help.

Also, Feyre's the voice of this book and it hurts, since ACOMAF's narration reminds of a teen's diary: my hair was up, my dress was magnificent, boys were cute, my panties were wet (yes, our teen is like that).

Do you know what's worse? Feyre and sense of humor or wits aren't good buddies at all. There are a few smart replies in ACOMAF's conversations, but you have to get through the six-hundred pages book which is told from a POV of a whiny and lusty doll. The road is too long to be stuck with a teller like Feyre.

What else I can say about her... She's a hypocrite and has dual-standards. Feyre's friends have a right to be wrong, other people must behave, always. Ask me how to become Feyre's friend and I'd suggest you tell her a sob-story. If someone has an abusive past with hunger and bruises and tears, this someone deserves her sympathy, trust, and becomes her family immediately. But be creative, in this book everyone has this kind of past, and if you lost less than others, you won't be welcome by Feyre.

Feyre's family. Cassian was right, her sisters are weak and ungrateful bitches. One of them has the decency to shut up and be quiet since a home she was given with and money her father has come from a Fae (Tamlin, if you forgot) while the other is always acting as if she's to have high five with a chair in her face. I'd love to burn this family at the stake for the exploitation of child labor, for the way they demanded from her money and food, for their greed and grit. But Sarah has other plans, as we know. What a nice way to make me even angrier than I might be after reading this book.

Rhysand aka Warner #2. Every bad choice and move of his was covered with good intentions, vomit, and tears. Sarah wanted to make an ideal lover but ended up with a pathetic and boring candy.

Can a girl fall in love with someone sinful who has flaws not for something, but despite everything? Just once? Or fall out of love not because her ex had turned out to be a cruel bastard, but because they had lost their spark? Many authors think it's impossible, as I see. Such a shame guys... such a shame. 'Cause I'm not that ideal person, so no happy endings for you, Kat. Or maybe I'll ask Sarah to cover my bad behavior too? Hm...

Okay, let's continue with Rhys, our syrupy man with a heart of gold. He's the best, 'cause Sarah always picks up only that kind of man for her lovely MCs. The most handsome, the strongest, the blah-blah-blah-ish, the best of the best.

Rhys wants this world to be a better place, he wants flowers and birds and fuck Feyre against the wall then kittens and stars, and maybe to fuck again. I have nothing against the wall his idealistic motives (and lust), but Rhys is too good to be true. Or too good to be entertaining. Just look, he is very picky in sex (had rejected a few (or a lot?) hotties while other Lords bed everything they see), appreciates beauty, he's protective, but gives you space; thinks only about your pleasure, has an impressive cock, flawless taste and... wake up! I know that is super boring, but we are so far from the end.

Tamlin. Abusive prick for whom I feel really sorry. I was never on his side, but I feel like he needs an advocate. Some say he already was abusive in ACOTAR, they speak about neck-bite and something like that. But people, are you blind? Faeries are animals, only with human features. Everything Tamlin did was a part of a sex-game, and you know what? Feyre loved it. Or you forgot about heat between her thighs (Sarah's words, not mine)?

In ACOMAF Tam became totally different person, I can accept that this is his true face, but why is it like that? I mean, how Tamlin was loved by his people (remember what Alis said), had allegiance and respect of Lucien, if he was always a tyrant and a bad person? I don't believe that the events from Under the Mountain had changed him so much (no one touched him and Feyre survived; honestly, she had endured more and didn't become an overprotective fool).

So what happened? Sarah happened. She forgot about the proper development of Tam's character at the very moment her story had entered Rhys. I think this is a writer's fail. As if crazy Tamlin wasn't enough, Maas made him cruel and cold and stupid. The ending of ACOMAF showed us the dumbest douchebag ever. He had screwed two worlds because of a shining vagina and then believed in her tale about mind-control. Congratulations, Tam! You are as clever as a toddler. Or even less. But don't worry, the scary Hybern is a fool too.

Lucien. Piteous guy for whom I feel sorry too. Where's the snarky man I've met in ACOTAR? Gone. And now he is doomed to have a forever with feather-brain-ish Elain. What a miserable fate. Maas has no mercy...

Guys seems like ŷ������ limited reviews' length even more, and this one was 5k characters longer. Please read the full version .

A Court of Thorns and Roses (Двор терний и роз):

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