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How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists
Are you your own toughest critic? Learn to be good to yourself with this clear and compassionate guide.
Do you set demanding standards for yourself? If so, a lot likely goes well in your life: You might earn compliments, admiration, or accomplishments. Your high standards and hard work pay off.
But privately, you may feel like you’re falling behind, faking it, or different from everybody else. Your eagle-eyed inner quality control inspector highlights every mistake. You try hard to avoid criticism, but criticize yourself. Trying to get it right is your guiding light, but it has lit the way to a place of dissatisfaction, loneliness, or disconnection. In short, you may look like you’re hitting it out of the park, but you feel like you’re striking out.
This is perfectionism. And for everyone who struggles with it, it’s a misnomer: perfectionism isn’t about striving to be perfect. It’s about never feeling good enough.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen—clinical psychologist, anxiety specialist, and author of How to Be Yourself—is on the same journey as you. In How to Be Enough, Hendriksen charts a flexible, forgiving, and freeing path, all without giving up the excellence your high standards and hard work have gotten you. She delivers seven shifts—including from self-criticism to kindness, control to authenticity, procrastination to productivity, comparison to contentment—to find self-acceptance, rewrite the Inner Rulebook, and most of all, cultivate the authentic human connections we’re all craving.
With compassion and humor, Hendriksen lays out a clear, effective, and empowering guide. To enjoy rather than improve, be real rather than impressive, and be good to yourself when you’re wired to be hard on yourself.
Do you set demanding standards for yourself? If so, a lot likely goes well in your life: You might earn compliments, admiration, or accomplishments. Your high standards and hard work pay off.
But privately, you may feel like you’re falling behind, faking it, or different from everybody else. Your eagle-eyed inner quality control inspector highlights every mistake. You try hard to avoid criticism, but criticize yourself. Trying to get it right is your guiding light, but it has lit the way to a place of dissatisfaction, loneliness, or disconnection. In short, you may look like you’re hitting it out of the park, but you feel like you’re striking out.
This is perfectionism. And for everyone who struggles with it, it’s a misnomer: perfectionism isn’t about striving to be perfect. It’s about never feeling good enough.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen—clinical psychologist, anxiety specialist, and author of How to Be Yourself—is on the same journey as you. In How to Be Enough, Hendriksen charts a flexible, forgiving, and freeing path, all without giving up the excellence your high standards and hard work have gotten you. She delivers seven shifts—including from self-criticism to kindness, control to authenticity, procrastination to productivity, comparison to contentment—to find self-acceptance, rewrite the Inner Rulebook, and most of all, cultivate the authentic human connections we’re all craving.
With compassion and humor, Hendriksen lays out a clear, effective, and empowering guide. To enjoy rather than improve, be real rather than impressive, and be good to yourself when you’re wired to be hard on yourself.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published January 7, 2025
237 people are currently reading
12.1k people want to read
About the author
Ellen Hendriksen
3Ìýbooks320ÌýfollowersDR. ELLEN HENDRIKSEN is a clinical psychologist who will help you calm your anxiety and be your authentic self. She serves on the faculty at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD) and is the author of HOW TO BE ENOUGH: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists and HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety.
Ellen’s scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach has been featured in The New York Times, Harvard Business Review, O: The Oprah Magazine, goop, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and many other media outlets.
Ellen earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. She lives in the Boston area with her family.
Join in at EllenHendriksen.com or follow on Substack or Instagram.
Ellen’s scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach has been featured in The New York Times, Harvard Business Review, O: The Oprah Magazine, goop, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and many other media outlets.
Ellen earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. She lives in the Boston area with her family.
Join in at EllenHendriksen.com or follow on Substack or Instagram.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 107 reviews
February 8, 2025
**Many thanks to NetGalley, St. Martin's Press, and Ellen Hendriksen for an ARC of this book!**
"Perfectionism doesn't make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate." - Maria Shriver
If you can relate to this sentiment on ANY level...consider this book the wise, warm, and insightful therapy session you didn't know you needed!
In How to Be Enough, author and clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen unpacks the root of these tendencies, including how and why they might begin, and why such seemingly self-destructive behavior can easily become a way of life for so many of us. In short, our brain likes to make shortcuts, and when we see hard work leading to a good outcome, it stands to reason that the accolades, appreciation, and admiration that often follows can flood us with dopamine...and it sure feels GOOD to feel good! But this can easily become dangerous when we begin to equate our work or what we do with who we ARE intrinsically...and while this may seem harmless on the surface, the differentiation between who we ARE and what we DO is vital to a healthy self image and to our own happiness in general. After all, if you define yourself by your ability to play the violin and stumble during a public performance...you might let your family and friends down, but you're also letting YOURSELF down...right? And so your brain has one more instance of 'not good enough' to add to your mental inventory...and your inner critic rejoices.
But Hendriksen posits a very interesting theory in this book...as a perfectionist, you aren't going to EVER completely shut that critical inner voice off. So what to do in a world that demands constant production and flawless results, where rest is equated with laziness, and competitively-driven social media bombards us at every turn? Well, there are luckily some tips and tricks you can employ...and this is where Hendriksen's expertise shines. She advocates for self-acceptance...but in a way that is ACTUALLY accessible for those of us who have trouble viewing anything through a lens other than the harsh critic in our minds uses on a daily basis. First off, we need to define and determine our values, which are quite different from our goals or aspirations. What is most important to us, and what gets us out of bed in the morning? THIS is where our focus should be, not on what we do or do not accomplish in any given day. Once we have this foundation, we can then focus not on where we fall short or our pitfalls, but rather living these truths.
So what to do then, when we inevitably fall short of a given goal, or have an embarrassing social interaction that we are STILL reliving hours (or even years) later? This is where the other half of Hendriksen's theory kicks in: we need to learn cognitive flexibility. Rigid rules may run some aspects of our society (and rightfully so!) but there are COUNTLESS incidences in our life where even the tiniest bit of flexibility can mean the difference between a good day and a catastrophic one. If we 'should' our lives away, there's no joy to be had...and there is SO much we are leaving on the table. Reconciling your inner rule book with your core values seems like hard work, and it is...but this is a lifelong journey, with ebbs, flows, and of course...room for flexibility! What I perhaps took away from this book more than anything else was the connection between self esteem and the byproducts of our perfectionism...if we do something bad, we ARE bad. As Hendriksen puts it, "We conflate our screwups with our character. We mistake the inevitable problems of life for personal wrongdoing." When we live with such unflappable, unforgiving rules, it's no WONDER we can fall into the trap of defining ourselves as failures or losers.
I don't know that I've ever read a self-help non-fiction book QUITE like this before: Hendriksen effortlessly balances her research, anecdotes from her patient's lives (with names changed, of course) with practical advice, and COMPASSION, not to mention a touch of humor. I think part of the reason for this is that as a 'recovering' perfectionist HERSELF, she is quite literally the voice of experience. Hendriksen has had to tackle her own demons, do the work, and has been able to TRULY pay it forward...and what better way for her to live her values than that? The only thing I felt that was missing from this book was a quick sort of summary/reference guide at the end, perhaps one that could be printed and tucked in a wallet or a journal, just as a reminder for those times when the loud and inflexible inner critic sort of drowns out all sounds in the world around you. I also think a supplementary workbook would be EXCELLENT (I know I'd like one!) to help track your progress, although I think the best marker of progress probably has a lot less to do with what you might say and more to do with how you feel...and above all, I can affirm that reading this one made me feel grateful!
Hendriksen mentions the iconic and inimitable Fred Rogers multiple times throughout the book, and despite perfectionist tendencies, it's hard to think of a better exemplar of a man who TRULY lived his values, and helped to broadcast such an important message of self-love and acceptance that the world needs still today. I'll leave you with a quote from Rogers that embodies this book's message in perhaps the perfect way: "The world needs a sense of worth and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile."
You are worthwhile...and more importantly, you are enough.
💗
4.5 stars
"Perfectionism doesn't make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate." - Maria Shriver
If you can relate to this sentiment on ANY level...consider this book the wise, warm, and insightful therapy session you didn't know you needed!
In How to Be Enough, author and clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen unpacks the root of these tendencies, including how and why they might begin, and why such seemingly self-destructive behavior can easily become a way of life for so many of us. In short, our brain likes to make shortcuts, and when we see hard work leading to a good outcome, it stands to reason that the accolades, appreciation, and admiration that often follows can flood us with dopamine...and it sure feels GOOD to feel good! But this can easily become dangerous when we begin to equate our work or what we do with who we ARE intrinsically...and while this may seem harmless on the surface, the differentiation between who we ARE and what we DO is vital to a healthy self image and to our own happiness in general. After all, if you define yourself by your ability to play the violin and stumble during a public performance...you might let your family and friends down, but you're also letting YOURSELF down...right? And so your brain has one more instance of 'not good enough' to add to your mental inventory...and your inner critic rejoices.
But Hendriksen posits a very interesting theory in this book...as a perfectionist, you aren't going to EVER completely shut that critical inner voice off. So what to do in a world that demands constant production and flawless results, where rest is equated with laziness, and competitively-driven social media bombards us at every turn? Well, there are luckily some tips and tricks you can employ...and this is where Hendriksen's expertise shines. She advocates for self-acceptance...but in a way that is ACTUALLY accessible for those of us who have trouble viewing anything through a lens other than the harsh critic in our minds uses on a daily basis. First off, we need to define and determine our values, which are quite different from our goals or aspirations. What is most important to us, and what gets us out of bed in the morning? THIS is where our focus should be, not on what we do or do not accomplish in any given day. Once we have this foundation, we can then focus not on where we fall short or our pitfalls, but rather living these truths.
So what to do then, when we inevitably fall short of a given goal, or have an embarrassing social interaction that we are STILL reliving hours (or even years) later? This is where the other half of Hendriksen's theory kicks in: we need to learn cognitive flexibility. Rigid rules may run some aspects of our society (and rightfully so!) but there are COUNTLESS incidences in our life where even the tiniest bit of flexibility can mean the difference between a good day and a catastrophic one. If we 'should' our lives away, there's no joy to be had...and there is SO much we are leaving on the table. Reconciling your inner rule book with your core values seems like hard work, and it is...but this is a lifelong journey, with ebbs, flows, and of course...room for flexibility! What I perhaps took away from this book more than anything else was the connection between self esteem and the byproducts of our perfectionism...if we do something bad, we ARE bad. As Hendriksen puts it, "We conflate our screwups with our character. We mistake the inevitable problems of life for personal wrongdoing." When we live with such unflappable, unforgiving rules, it's no WONDER we can fall into the trap of defining ourselves as failures or losers.
I don't know that I've ever read a self-help non-fiction book QUITE like this before: Hendriksen effortlessly balances her research, anecdotes from her patient's lives (with names changed, of course) with practical advice, and COMPASSION, not to mention a touch of humor. I think part of the reason for this is that as a 'recovering' perfectionist HERSELF, she is quite literally the voice of experience. Hendriksen has had to tackle her own demons, do the work, and has been able to TRULY pay it forward...and what better way for her to live her values than that? The only thing I felt that was missing from this book was a quick sort of summary/reference guide at the end, perhaps one that could be printed and tucked in a wallet or a journal, just as a reminder for those times when the loud and inflexible inner critic sort of drowns out all sounds in the world around you. I also think a supplementary workbook would be EXCELLENT (I know I'd like one!) to help track your progress, although I think the best marker of progress probably has a lot less to do with what you might say and more to do with how you feel...and above all, I can affirm that reading this one made me feel grateful!
Hendriksen mentions the iconic and inimitable Fred Rogers multiple times throughout the book, and despite perfectionist tendencies, it's hard to think of a better exemplar of a man who TRULY lived his values, and helped to broadcast such an important message of self-love and acceptance that the world needs still today. I'll leave you with a quote from Rogers that embodies this book's message in perhaps the perfect way: "The world needs a sense of worth and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile."
You are worthwhile...and more importantly, you are enough.
💗
4.5 stars
January 31, 2025
I thought there was some good information and advice in here although there were times I felt it slightly redundant or long. Still, worth a read for anyone who feels they have perfectionist tendencies.
I received an advanced copy through Netgalley in return for an honest review.
I received an advanced copy through Netgalley in return for an honest review.
November 6, 2024
Special thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for a free, electronic ARC of this novel received in exchange for an honest review.
Expected publication date: Jan. 7, 2025
Have you ever been labeled “very Type A?� Perhaps “anal retentive�? Or, on the positive side of things, “reliable�, “organized� or even “obsessive�? (It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me) . If so, Dr. , the author of “� has introduced another book that is specifically geared to those of us who are self-declared perfectionists, “�.
First of all, Ellen Hendriksen is a psychologist, so she knows her stuff. But, beyond that (and most important), she also identifies as a perfectionist, so she fully understands the struggle. It is likely the combination of these characteristics that make “Enough� relatable, easy to read and even (gasp) helpful.
Hendriksen uses anecdotes from her own clients (names have been changed, obviously) as well as information garnered from other studies, to help those of us who can’t ask for help, see common human errors as a personal flaw and re-examine situations in our life until they are blown out of proportion.
“Enough� is different than other self-help books in many important ways but the biggest one for me was that Hendriksen doesn’t talk about perfectionism as something that “needs to be changed�. She talks about its positive attributes, and how it is the result of both nature and nurture on our bodies (and therefore, it can’t be completely removed). She provides doable strategies with achievable goals without once labeling the reader as someone who is, in some way, lacking. Hendriksen focuses on the behaviours associated with perfectionism that may bother us in some way, and she provides us with ways to change these specific behaviours simply by looking at them through a different lens.
I knew of Hendriksen’s book on social anxiety, but I didn’t read it (although it probably would be helpful as well). I definitely related to “Enough� on every level, and Hendriksen, first off, allowed me to be heard and then, allowed me to accept myself and finally, put some ideas out there that could help the behaviours that annoy me (and probably others) the most. There were so many times when I looked around me for hidden cameras, wondering if Hendriksen had somehow been able to see into my life and my brain, and I know that if you have a similar personality, something in “Enough� will help you understand yourself a little bit more, without shaming you or making you think you are broken or damaged. “Enough� is meant for a certain reader with a specific personality type, but there are definitely a lot of us, and Hendriksen is speaking to each and every one.
Expected publication date: Jan. 7, 2025
Have you ever been labeled “very Type A?� Perhaps “anal retentive�? Or, on the positive side of things, “reliable�, “organized� or even “obsessive�? (It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me) . If so, Dr. , the author of “� has introduced another book that is specifically geared to those of us who are self-declared perfectionists, “�.
First of all, Ellen Hendriksen is a psychologist, so she knows her stuff. But, beyond that (and most important), she also identifies as a perfectionist, so she fully understands the struggle. It is likely the combination of these characteristics that make “Enough� relatable, easy to read and even (gasp) helpful.
Hendriksen uses anecdotes from her own clients (names have been changed, obviously) as well as information garnered from other studies, to help those of us who can’t ask for help, see common human errors as a personal flaw and re-examine situations in our life until they are blown out of proportion.
“Enough� is different than other self-help books in many important ways but the biggest one for me was that Hendriksen doesn’t talk about perfectionism as something that “needs to be changed�. She talks about its positive attributes, and how it is the result of both nature and nurture on our bodies (and therefore, it can’t be completely removed). She provides doable strategies with achievable goals without once labeling the reader as someone who is, in some way, lacking. Hendriksen focuses on the behaviours associated with perfectionism that may bother us in some way, and she provides us with ways to change these specific behaviours simply by looking at them through a different lens.
I knew of Hendriksen’s book on social anxiety, but I didn’t read it (although it probably would be helpful as well). I definitely related to “Enough� on every level, and Hendriksen, first off, allowed me to be heard and then, allowed me to accept myself and finally, put some ideas out there that could help the behaviours that annoy me (and probably others) the most. There were so many times when I looked around me for hidden cameras, wondering if Hendriksen had somehow been able to see into my life and my brain, and I know that if you have a similar personality, something in “Enough� will help you understand yourself a little bit more, without shaming you or making you think you are broken or damaged. “Enough� is meant for a certain reader with a specific personality type, but there are definitely a lot of us, and Hendriksen is speaking to each and every one.
September 17, 2024
How to Be Enough is a self help book for perfectionists. There is a societal misconception that being a perfectionist is a great thing and something to brag about because it means you get things done and done well. That might be true, but it also causes a great deal of mental anguish.
The author discusses the combination of genetics, family environment and cultural influences that produces perfectionism, and then elaborates on seven ways or shifts to change the reader's outlook and behaviours. She discusses moving away from self criticism, harsh judgement and labels to focusing on values, and from over-evaluation of performance to enjoying the moment and connecting with other people. She gives examples and practical exercises throughout the chapters, as well as suggestions to reframe our inner monologue so that it is more supportive and less self destructive.
Overall it is a decent guide, although a little bit dry. For those suffering due to their inner critic, it could be valuable reading.
The author discusses the combination of genetics, family environment and cultural influences that produces perfectionism, and then elaborates on seven ways or shifts to change the reader's outlook and behaviours. She discusses moving away from self criticism, harsh judgement and labels to focusing on values, and from over-evaluation of performance to enjoying the moment and connecting with other people. She gives examples and practical exercises throughout the chapters, as well as suggestions to reframe our inner monologue so that it is more supportive and less self destructive.
Overall it is a decent guide, although a little bit dry. For those suffering due to their inner critic, it could be valuable reading.
October 29, 2024
How to praise this book perfectly enough? How To Be Enough is inspiring, funny, endearing, deeply relatable and is everything I’ve needed for YEARS. This book on perfectionism is so incredibly helpful, it’s all I’ve been able to talk about for a week. I had no idea how multifaceted perfectionism is, but in How to Be Enough, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen unpacks them all in a way that is easily digestible, not shame inducing, and even though the topic was something I’ve procrastinated reading more into for most of my adult life (a behavior as it turns out, is fueled by perfectionism), I wanted to read this one more with every chapter. It balances education on how the perfectionists brain works, case studies, and practical tips; and lest you think the point is to become less perfectionistic, the goal of the book is to teach perfectionists to be more cognitively flexible and begin to practice what the book calls adaptive perfectionism- a breed of perfectionism that keeps the helpful aspects and works to reorient the qualities of perfectionism that cost more than they buy.
This is one I am excited to add to my library when it releases because it’s definitely one I’ll come back to again and again.
I would like to thank St Martin’s Press and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
This is one I am excited to add to my library when it releases because it’s definitely one I’ll come back to again and again.
I would like to thank St Martin’s Press and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
January 6, 2025
Reading How to Be Enough is like having a therapy session with your wisest, most compassionate friend—the one who calls you out and hands you a donut afterward. Dr. Ellen Hendriksen gets it. She knows what it’s like to aim for the moon, only to spiral into a shame galaxy when you miss. (Spoiler: The moon is fine without us, and perfectionism is a rocket to nowhere.)
The book offers seven "shifts," but don’t worry, they’re not the kind of shifts that require new yoga pants or a personal transformation playlist. These are practical and grounded adjustments for turning down the volume on your inner critic without accidentally letting them run the company holiday party.
Highlights include Hendriksen’s knack for mixing science with storytelling. She makes you laugh while explaining why your brain insists on comparing your blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel.
Where the book shines is in its balance—Hendriksen doesn’t want you to abandon ambition or stop being excellent. She just wants you to stop emotionally bludgeoning yourself for not being Taylor Swift, Martha Stewart, and Oprah combined. The “inner rulebook� exercise? Both cathartic and slightly terrifying when you realize your rules sound like they were written by a supervillain HR department.
Well, some of the exercises made me want to schedule a nap instead of a self-compassion session (progress?). And at times, Hendriksen’s examples leaned a bit too therapist-y for my taste, but hey, she is a therapist, so fair play.
In the end, How to Be Enough is a life raft for anyone drowning in perfectionism and self-criticism. It’s not about lowering your standards—it’s about redirecting them toward things that actually matter. I’ll still strive for excellence, but now, I’m also striving for� I don’t know, maybe a little joy?
The book offers seven "shifts," but don’t worry, they’re not the kind of shifts that require new yoga pants or a personal transformation playlist. These are practical and grounded adjustments for turning down the volume on your inner critic without accidentally letting them run the company holiday party.
Highlights include Hendriksen’s knack for mixing science with storytelling. She makes you laugh while explaining why your brain insists on comparing your blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel.
Where the book shines is in its balance—Hendriksen doesn’t want you to abandon ambition or stop being excellent. She just wants you to stop emotionally bludgeoning yourself for not being Taylor Swift, Martha Stewart, and Oprah combined. The “inner rulebook� exercise? Both cathartic and slightly terrifying when you realize your rules sound like they were written by a supervillain HR department.
Well, some of the exercises made me want to schedule a nap instead of a self-compassion session (progress?). And at times, Hendriksen’s examples leaned a bit too therapist-y for my taste, but hey, she is a therapist, so fair play.
In the end, How to Be Enough is a life raft for anyone drowning in perfectionism and self-criticism. It’s not about lowering your standards—it’s about redirecting them toward things that actually matter. I’ll still strive for excellence, but now, I’m also striving for� I don’t know, maybe a little joy?
December 30, 2024
Wow, Ellen Hendriksen knocked it out of the park with this one! I wasn't familiar with her work before, but she is a fantastic writer. I've read a lot of mental health books, both nonfiction and memoir, but the way Hendriksen explains information, utilizes examples from her work, and weaves in her own personal connections was excellent and far better than most mental health/psychology/self help books I've read. I initially picked this up because I thought it sounded relevant for my husband and some past versions of myself, but I found more of it relevant to me than I expected.
There were a lot of great concepts in here and super actionable advice. All of it is presented in a thoughtful and engaging way. It really feels like Hendriksen understands you and is cheering you on. This was great. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who identifies as a perfectionist or who is overly rigid (me!) but thinks they've gotten over their perfectionism (lol). So grateful Hendriksen wrote this book.
The only thing I didn't always like about it was the incessant similes that were punny/cheesy--they were a bit much at times, but I'm sure that's just the author's personality. Eventually they just made me chuckle and roll my eyes haha.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!
There were a lot of great concepts in here and super actionable advice. All of it is presented in a thoughtful and engaging way. It really feels like Hendriksen understands you and is cheering you on. This was great. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who identifies as a perfectionist or who is overly rigid (me!) but thinks they've gotten over their perfectionism (lol). So grateful Hendriksen wrote this book.
The only thing I didn't always like about it was the incessant similes that were punny/cheesy--they were a bit much at times, but I'm sure that's just the author's personality. Eventually they just made me chuckle and roll my eyes haha.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!
January 8, 2025
Thank you to NetGalley for this audio ARC of the book How to be enough which published on Jan 7, 2025.
🎧 I usually try to read at least one self-help book each January. This book was exactly what I needed. Not only does Ellen do an excellent job of narrating the audiobook herself, but it was very clear that she wrote this book for herself. This book is for people like her who are conscientious, type A people who struggle with perfectionism and feeling worthy. People like us (I like to call it the eldest daughter syndrome) are used to tying or worth to our productivity and to our ability to achieve. The problem with doing that is it can create burnout as well as a lot of shame when we don’t meet our incredibly high standards and expectations.
Ellen explores a concept called “contingent self-worth� or “I am as I do� which is present in the brains of many perfectionists. A subset of this thinking is activity based self-worth. Contingent self-worth works when we do well but the inevitable setbacks of life is where it falls apart.
One of my favorite parts of the book is where she talked about moving away from a labels based mindset to a values mindset. For example, many of us may have adopted the label “I am smart� as a child, but then we struggle when we can’t solve a math problem or we can’t easily understand a concept. So instead of identifying with a label: “I am smart�, we can move towards the value mindset of “I value learning�, which creates room for mistakes and doesn’t rely on having to be perfect.
All in all, this is a book that I might have to come back and revisit. I’ve struggled most of my life fighting off perfectionist tendencies that do me more harm than good and this book was extremely refreshing. I feel like a burden has been lifted and I’m ready to try the new tactics explored in How to be enough. It’s totally feasible to tell that part of our brain that wants perfection to value community and values over achievement and contingent self-worth. I highly recommend this to anyone who struggles with the same tendencies.
“We want to feel accepted, but we’ve somehow absorbed the message that to gain acceptance we have to perform to the best of our abilities� but our deepest wish is to be accepted without having to perform.�
“What perfectionism neglects to tell us is that getting it right doesn’t make us part of a community.�
“Our drive to find acceptance through performance begins because we already feel separate or different� Pretty much every high achieving person experiences a gravitational pull to feel left out. Meaning we reflexively look for signs and signals that tell you you’re being excluded or not wanted.�
🎧 I usually try to read at least one self-help book each January. This book was exactly what I needed. Not only does Ellen do an excellent job of narrating the audiobook herself, but it was very clear that she wrote this book for herself. This book is for people like her who are conscientious, type A people who struggle with perfectionism and feeling worthy. People like us (I like to call it the eldest daughter syndrome) are used to tying or worth to our productivity and to our ability to achieve. The problem with doing that is it can create burnout as well as a lot of shame when we don’t meet our incredibly high standards and expectations.
Ellen explores a concept called “contingent self-worth� or “I am as I do� which is present in the brains of many perfectionists. A subset of this thinking is activity based self-worth. Contingent self-worth works when we do well but the inevitable setbacks of life is where it falls apart.
One of my favorite parts of the book is where she talked about moving away from a labels based mindset to a values mindset. For example, many of us may have adopted the label “I am smart� as a child, but then we struggle when we can’t solve a math problem or we can’t easily understand a concept. So instead of identifying with a label: “I am smart�, we can move towards the value mindset of “I value learning�, which creates room for mistakes and doesn’t rely on having to be perfect.
All in all, this is a book that I might have to come back and revisit. I’ve struggled most of my life fighting off perfectionist tendencies that do me more harm than good and this book was extremely refreshing. I feel like a burden has been lifted and I’m ready to try the new tactics explored in How to be enough. It’s totally feasible to tell that part of our brain that wants perfection to value community and values over achievement and contingent self-worth. I highly recommend this to anyone who struggles with the same tendencies.
“We want to feel accepted, but we’ve somehow absorbed the message that to gain acceptance we have to perform to the best of our abilities� but our deepest wish is to be accepted without having to perform.�
“What perfectionism neglects to tell us is that getting it right doesn’t make us part of a community.�
“Our drive to find acceptance through performance begins because we already feel separate or different� Pretty much every high achieving person experiences a gravitational pull to feel left out. Meaning we reflexively look for signs and signals that tell you you’re being excluded or not wanted.�
February 4, 2025
Okay this is potentially a biased review since I know the author, but even still- this was an easy to read (in my case, listen to) book about the nature of perfectionism. There were a few areas where I felt like my own therapist would point to and say “told you so�, and so it did resonate. Way to go Ellen for this book!
January 28, 2025
This book is excellent for all overthinkers and overachievers! I never would've considered myself a perfectionist, but this book actually taught me that I probably am! I love the tidbits and gems that the author dropped about "just being enough" and realizing your value so that you can be happy within. I'm really working on self care, learning to love myself again, and setting boundaries this year, so I was happy to read this book!
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest opinion.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest opinion.
Read
December 24, 2024I don’t rate non-fiction, but this is by far the most impactful psychology-based, self-help books I’ve ever read. I’ve been an overthinking perfectionist my whole life, but even knowing that going into this book didn’t open my eyes to how many self-critical habits I have until I finished reading. I don’t think I’ve ever highlighted a book so much before, because so much of what the author said and found through psychological studies resonated with me. I loved how this was structured with real-life stories to be more practical, studies to be more analytical, and solutions for you to take for each big point. There are many things I’ll be trying to do for myself and in my relationships with those around me after reading this. I highly recommend to anyone who knows they’re hard on themselves and has to do things to the max in life!
February 14, 2025
How to Be Enough is validating and made me feel less alone in my battles.
It felt so understanding of the struggles that come from social anxiety, performance anxiety, or perfectionism. It's not about striving to be perfect. It's about never feeling good enough.
I am hypercritical of myself often, and so many statements resonated with me: I tend to beat myself up, feel disproportionately guilty, or panic when I make a mistake or do something wrong. � I take things harder than most people - problems, mistakes, or conflicts stick with me for a long time. � I often think my ideas, work, or performance are not good enough. � Too picky, or too critical, etc.
The book was relatable and about making the right tweaks, like being 5% less hard on yourself, 10% kinder to yourself, and entering self-compassion - warmth, caring, and understanding for ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-compassion includes being kind to ourselves, being mindful of our pain, and recognizing personal inadequacy as part of the human condition.
The author offers practical steps for self-acceptance. I liked the template of "I'm impressive or I'm a failure", which moves us from the all-or-nothingness of contingent self-worth and gets us some much-needed wiggle room.
It gives advice and perspective when we feel shame or let others or ourselves down.
This whole book made me feel seen and is an insightful tool to help make subtle shifts that will give you a freeing path and allow you to reach excellence while being authentically yourself. You are enough.
Perfectionism confers some magical superpowers like high standards, strong work ethic, reliability, and deep care for others. But gone awry, it can subject us to a powerful riptide of I should do more, do better, be better.
It felt so understanding of the struggles that come from social anxiety, performance anxiety, or perfectionism. It's not about striving to be perfect. It's about never feeling good enough.
I am hypercritical of myself often, and so many statements resonated with me: I tend to beat myself up, feel disproportionately guilty, or panic when I make a mistake or do something wrong. � I take things harder than most people - problems, mistakes, or conflicts stick with me for a long time. � I often think my ideas, work, or performance are not good enough. � Too picky, or too critical, etc.
The book was relatable and about making the right tweaks, like being 5% less hard on yourself, 10% kinder to yourself, and entering self-compassion - warmth, caring, and understanding for ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-compassion includes being kind to ourselves, being mindful of our pain, and recognizing personal inadequacy as part of the human condition.
The author offers practical steps for self-acceptance. I liked the template of "I'm impressive or I'm a failure", which moves us from the all-or-nothingness of contingent self-worth and gets us some much-needed wiggle room.
Instead of sticking with the label of "I'm a [valued trait/qualilty] person, try this for some well-earned breathing room: I'm a [valued trait/qualilty] who sometimes [exception]. I'm a smart person who sometimes doesn't know the answer. I'm a capable person who sometimes screws things up. I'm a dedicated person who sometimes doesn't try my hardest. I'm a peaceful person who sometimes loses my temper. I'm a fun person who sometimes has a serious moment. I'm a serious person who sometimes lets loose. I'm a successful person who sometimes fails. I'm a disciplined person who sometimes lets myself go. I'm a healthy person who is sometimes unhealthy. I'm a creative person who sometimes gets blocked. I'm a good student who sometimes gets a low grade. I have good judgment and sometimes make dumb decisions. I'm a productive person who sometimes blows things off. I'm a hard worker who procrastinates. I'm a kind person who can advocate for myself. I'm a good person with some regrets.
It gives advice and perspective when we feel shame or let others or ourselves down.
Give yourself permission to have a full range of human experiences. Allow yourself some grace for past actions your brain finds bad, wrong, dumb, embarrassing, ridiculous, or horrible. You're allowed to feel good about yourself even when your past includes failures. It's called being human.
This whole book made me feel seen and is an insightful tool to help make subtle shifts that will give you a freeing path and allow you to reach excellence while being authentically yourself. You are enough.
March 8, 2025
1. really liked this cover
2. self-compassion leads to better results than self-criticism
come back to these:
-To discover your own values, try this simple exercise: Think about the moments in your life when you felt most alive and purposeful. Maybe it was helping a friend through a tough time, or losing yourself in a creative project, or teaching someone a new skill. These moments point toward what truly matters to you.
- In your next casual conversation, let your facial expressions match your genuine reactions, even just twenty percent more than usual. Notice how this small shift affects your sense of connection and presence in the moment.
notes:
- why do you keep listening to this harsh inner voice? Often, you’re trying to protect yourself. By criticizing yourself first, you believe you can avoid others� judgment.
- Sometimes you even criticize yourself to feel more in control � if something’s your fault, at least you can fix it. Occasionally, you might even voice self-criticism hoping others will reassure you that you’re doing fine.
- Self-criticism might seem like a path to self-improvement, but it actually diminishes us in powerful ways. When perfectionism becomes your default setting, it grinds your motivation to a halt, increases stress, and, paradoxically, actually lowers the quality of your work. Even worse, it creates a barrier between you and others, making genuine connection harder to achieve.
- self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you’d offer a friend who’s struggling. It means recognizing that making mistakes and feeling inadequate sometimes is simply part of being human
- Self-compassion isn’t just about feelings � it’s about actions. It might mean giving yourself permission to rest without guilt, or accepting that you can’t possibly do everything on your impossible to-do list.
- perfectionism doesn’t just turn inward � it often flows toward others, especially those closest to us. You might find yourself holding your partner, children, or colleagues to impossible standards, focusing on their flaws while easily forgiving strangers for the same mistakes.
- When you base your self-worth on performance � whether that’s work achievements, following a diet perfectly, or appearing totally normal at social events � you set yourself up for inevitable crashes when you can’t maintain it.
- Productivity isn’t about being perfect � it’s about making progress. And even mistakes can be a part of that progress.
e.g.
MIchiko, who hosts elaborate dinner parties but can’t accept a single compliment from her guests. When they praise her dumplings, she points out every little flaw. She hopes this comes across as humble and vulnerable, drawing people closer. But her comments actually push people away, making them hesitant to share their own vulnerable moments or invite her to their homes in return.
2. self-compassion leads to better results than self-criticism
come back to these:
-To discover your own values, try this simple exercise: Think about the moments in your life when you felt most alive and purposeful. Maybe it was helping a friend through a tough time, or losing yourself in a creative project, or teaching someone a new skill. These moments point toward what truly matters to you.
- In your next casual conversation, let your facial expressions match your genuine reactions, even just twenty percent more than usual. Notice how this small shift affects your sense of connection and presence in the moment.
notes:
- why do you keep listening to this harsh inner voice? Often, you’re trying to protect yourself. By criticizing yourself first, you believe you can avoid others� judgment.
- Sometimes you even criticize yourself to feel more in control � if something’s your fault, at least you can fix it. Occasionally, you might even voice self-criticism hoping others will reassure you that you’re doing fine.
- Self-criticism might seem like a path to self-improvement, but it actually diminishes us in powerful ways. When perfectionism becomes your default setting, it grinds your motivation to a halt, increases stress, and, paradoxically, actually lowers the quality of your work. Even worse, it creates a barrier between you and others, making genuine connection harder to achieve.
- self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you’d offer a friend who’s struggling. It means recognizing that making mistakes and feeling inadequate sometimes is simply part of being human
- Self-compassion isn’t just about feelings � it’s about actions. It might mean giving yourself permission to rest without guilt, or accepting that you can’t possibly do everything on your impossible to-do list.
- perfectionism doesn’t just turn inward � it often flows toward others, especially those closest to us. You might find yourself holding your partner, children, or colleagues to impossible standards, focusing on their flaws while easily forgiving strangers for the same mistakes.
- When you base your self-worth on performance � whether that’s work achievements, following a diet perfectly, or appearing totally normal at social events � you set yourself up for inevitable crashes when you can’t maintain it.
- Productivity isn’t about being perfect � it’s about making progress. And even mistakes can be a part of that progress.
e.g.
MIchiko, who hosts elaborate dinner parties but can’t accept a single compliment from her guests. When they praise her dumplings, she points out every little flaw. She hopes this comes across as humble and vulnerable, drawing people closer. But her comments actually push people away, making them hesitant to share their own vulnerable moments or invite her to their homes in return.
Read
January 10, 2025For those of us who have found it hard (no, impossible) to ignore that little voice, (coming from inside, but imagined to be coming loud-and-clear by those outside of us) telling us to work unremittingly harder, faster, smarter for after all, we are just not good enough (yet?) - this is the book to help us reset. Written by a clinical psychologist, herself a self-proclaimed perfectionist, here laid out for the reader is the inside personal scoop, as well as the exhaustively-researched professional data to help us recognize our own drivers, where they come from, how they only partially serve us, and how to get a better handle on them. With these insights, we just may finally understand, accept, and even change our self-critical, rigidly-maintained mindset � with the aid of a terrific set of tools, a deeply compassionate voice, and an in-depth visit with this therapist, who also personifies an “older�, wiser sister (of sorts).
Perfectionism, in all its forms, is about looking for acceptance, � socially, interpersonally, and at its root, where it arises (poignantly) deep inside of us. And therein lies the rub. As the author explains, illustrating via a number of anecdotes based on patients and experiences, � we are not alone, we can make mistakes (even whoppers), we can let go, and we can live the life we actually want to live � she opens the door to a flood of warmth driven by our own self-kindness, unleashed one tiny step at a time, accompanied by a boost of mindfulness to carry us through this journey of discovery to a better place.
A terrific read, packed with insights, “aha� moments, and just plain support (with a capital S), this book is highly recommended (along with the author’s sister volume on Social Anxiety “How to be Yourself�) for sufferers of perfectionism, or anyone with a keen interest in the marvel of our wiring - how it arises, stumbles, yet can be selectively tuned through practice, and the magic of self-compassion.
A great big thank you to #Netgalley, the author and the publisher for an ARC of this book. All thoughts presented are my own.
August 26, 2024
Thank you to the publisher/author for a copy of this book in exchange for a review.
I don't normally read these types of books but this one kept me interested during various chapters. There were some aspects that I skimmed through but there were some sections that had good information for everyone in my opinion. I think if self-help is your type of genre you will find this book to be useful in some aspects of your life, possibly more.
I don't normally read these types of books but this one kept me interested during various chapters. There were some aspects that I skimmed through but there were some sections that had good information for everyone in my opinion. I think if self-help is your type of genre you will find this book to be useful in some aspects of your life, possibly more.
February 6, 2025
I didn’t realize I needed this book until I had someone say to me, “Why do you view yourself in one of two extremes - either needing to be perfect or you are a total failure?� The person then said I give so much grace to others, yet I don’t give that same grace to myself.
Fortunately that person said that to me around the same time as this book coming out. I jumped on getting the audiobook from the library.
This book has a ton of valuable lessons, so many that it was hard to retain all of them in my head while I was listening. I just bought the hardcover book so I can have it as a resource and flip to different sections as needed.
This book made me realize that I am a definite perfectionist, although interestingly perfectionism can show itself in many different ways. For me personally, it plays out in how critically I can judge myself but it also affects my relationships with others, keeping me from being vulnerable and sharing too much.
Fortunately the author provides tips on ways to show our more authentic selves and to not let perfectionism be an impediment.
A terrific and engaging read replete with tons of useful information. Highly recommend!
Fortunately that person said that to me around the same time as this book coming out. I jumped on getting the audiobook from the library.
This book has a ton of valuable lessons, so many that it was hard to retain all of them in my head while I was listening. I just bought the hardcover book so I can have it as a resource and flip to different sections as needed.
This book made me realize that I am a definite perfectionist, although interestingly perfectionism can show itself in many different ways. For me personally, it plays out in how critically I can judge myself but it also affects my relationships with others, keeping me from being vulnerable and sharing too much.
Fortunately the author provides tips on ways to show our more authentic selves and to not let perfectionism be an impediment.
A terrific and engaging read replete with tons of useful information. Highly recommend!
March 2, 2025
This was so hard to rate. It was too long, with too many stories, and too much “inclusivity.� It also had that feel of when parents are trying to relate to teenagers by referencing pop culture� But outside of all that, there was some real gold in here for the over achievers. You will feel deeply seen, challenged, and sigh with relief at the things you don’t have to be doing.
March 2, 2025
I didn't think I was a perfectionist (because I thought, "well I don't need everything in life to be perfect"), but then I realized, "You hate it when things don't go according to plan."
I really appreciated the emphasis on having grace/compassion for yourself. There were a ton of applicable mindset shifts in this book.
Ellen's writing style is very approachable/trying to be down with the kids - I don't think she naturally has a sense of humour but is trying really hard with the examples. Also there were an excessive amount of unnecessary footnotes.
I really appreciated the emphasis on having grace/compassion for yourself. There were a ton of applicable mindset shifts in this book.
Ellen's writing style is very approachable/trying to be down with the kids - I don't think she naturally has a sense of humour but is trying really hard with the examples. Also there were an excessive amount of unnecessary footnotes.
March 23, 2025
Wow I have never felt so SEEN. Definitely gonna reread, mark up, and use the tips as journal prompts for the foreseeable future
February 12, 2025
Update from the audiobook, thanks to MacMillian Audio and Netgalley for a review copy (2/5): Ellen Hendriksen narrates the audiobook with authority, but forgiveness, like the nice therapist or teacher that you can come to with your problems, mostly the perfectionist ones. Her inflections were great, and to hear her say her words was an extra boost to what I’ve already learned.
As a long time perfectionist, I struggle with being “enough� in several aspects of my life and in a way, has held me back and led to long periods of procrastination. When I saw How to Be Enough, I knew I had to at least give it a try. Even from a first reading and highlighting A LOT on my kindle, there was so many takeaways to at least start the journey from the crippling parts of perfectionism.
The book is broken down into seven shifts, breaking down on what people thing is a single monolith into smaller aspects that make up the monstrous whole. It’s less about obliterating all the habits at once, but about making one shift at a time, and slowly become more flexible with their perfectionism. It’s finding that healthy middle instead of trying to destroy the perfectionism, which is impossible. Each chapter has some highlighted tips to make a small change.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen delivers the information in a mostly casual style, not blaming the reader for their past behavior (because harsh wording is probably the worst thing to do in a book appealing to perfectionists). She uses experiences with past clients and some of her own experiences to deliver an authentic and broad look at the perfectionist and how to deconstruct it to improve ourselves. I did enjoy the occasional wit as well.
Side note, the last 30% of the book is footnotes on the kindle version, so the book actually ends at around the 70% mark.
If you feel like perfectionism has held you back, pick this book up!
*I received an ARC from Netgalley and St. Martin’s Essentials. All opinions are my own.*
As a long time perfectionist, I struggle with being “enough� in several aspects of my life and in a way, has held me back and led to long periods of procrastination. When I saw How to Be Enough, I knew I had to at least give it a try. Even from a first reading and highlighting A LOT on my kindle, there was so many takeaways to at least start the journey from the crippling parts of perfectionism.
The book is broken down into seven shifts, breaking down on what people thing is a single monolith into smaller aspects that make up the monstrous whole. It’s less about obliterating all the habits at once, but about making one shift at a time, and slowly become more flexible with their perfectionism. It’s finding that healthy middle instead of trying to destroy the perfectionism, which is impossible. Each chapter has some highlighted tips to make a small change.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen delivers the information in a mostly casual style, not blaming the reader for their past behavior (because harsh wording is probably the worst thing to do in a book appealing to perfectionists). She uses experiences with past clients and some of her own experiences to deliver an authentic and broad look at the perfectionist and how to deconstruct it to improve ourselves. I did enjoy the occasional wit as well.
Side note, the last 30% of the book is footnotes on the kindle version, so the book actually ends at around the 70% mark.
If you feel like perfectionism has held you back, pick this book up!
*I received an ARC from Netgalley and St. Martin’s Essentials. All opinions are my own.*
March 8, 2025
Ellen Hendriksen's book, "How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists", serves as a thoughtful guide for those who struggle with perfectionism and harsh self-judgment. Through insightful psychology and practical advice, the book aims to help readers transform their inner critic into a more compassionate voice and shift from unrealistic standards to authentic self-acceptance.
Perfectionism often masquerades as a drive for excellence, but beneath the surface, it is rooted in a persistent sense of inadequacy. Many perfectionists are stuck in a cycle of striving to meet impossible standards, only to feel unfulfilled when they do. This constant need to achieve more and do better is not about healthy ambition but rather a symptom of never feeling good enough. Instead of celebrating accomplishments, perfectionists often fixate on their flaws, raising their standards higher with every success. This relentless pressure is not only exhausting but also counterproductive, leading to procrastination, burnout, and isolation.
One of the primary challenges of perfectionism is the harsh inner critic, a voice that amplifies every mistake and undermines every achievement. It tells you that your struggles are insignificant compared to others, that you should be further ahead in life, and that nothing you do is ever quite enough. This voice often emerges as a misguided form of self-protection. By criticizing yourself first, you hope to soften the blow of external criticism. By maintaining impossibly high standards, you aim to avoid failure. However, this strategy backfires, leaving you feeling more vulnerable and less connected to others.
For instance, the book shares the story of Elena, a software developer who stays late every night obsessively perfecting her work. She believes that any small mistake will expose her as unworthy of her job. This kind of perfectionism is not protecting her but rather preventing her from enjoying her achievements and building relationships with her colleagues. Such stories illustrate how the perfectionist mindset can create barriers to success and fulfillment.
The key to overcoming this pattern lies in a series of mindset shifts. The first is replacing criticism with compassion. Many perfectionists believe that self-criticism is the key to self-improvement, but research suggests otherwise. Self-compassion—treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend—can reduce stress, improve resilience, and lead to better outcomes. Practicing self-compassion involves acknowledging your struggles as part of the shared human experience, allowing for rest, and making room for joy without guilt.
Hendriksen also explores the danger of letting rigid rules govern your life. Perfectionism often manifests through internalized demands like 'I must' or 'I should,' which create a constant sense of obligation. A healthier alternative is to live according to your values rather than strict rules. Values are not about what you have to do but rather about what gives your life meaning. They guide your actions in a flexible and intentional way, helping you make choices that align with what truly matters to you. By shifting from rules to values, you free yourself from the pressure of perfection and move toward a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Procrastination is another common struggle for perfectionists, often arising from fear of failure. When a task feels overwhelming, the immediate relief of avoiding it can be tempting. However, this avoidance only deepens feelings of inadequacy and creates a cycle that is hard to break. Hendriksen suggests practical strategies like breaking tasks into small, manageable steps and using visualization techniques to connect with your future self. By imagining how good it will feel to make progress, you can overcome the inertia of perfectionism and start taking action.
The book also delves into how perfectionism affects relationships. Perfectionists often hold not only themselves but also those around them to impossible standards. This can lead to tension and disconnection, particularly with loved ones. Hendriksen emphasizes the importance of treating others with the same compassion you are learning to show yourself. By letting go of the need to control everything and allowing space for imperfections, you can foster deeper, more genuine connections.
Another significant theme is the shift from comparison to authenticity. Perfectionism often involves constantly measuring yourself against others, whether to feel superior or to confirm your own inadequacy. Both forms of comparison are damaging, as they keep you focused on what you lack rather than what you have. Hendriksen encourages curiosity as an antidote to comparison. By seeking to understand the fuller stories of those around you, you can break the habit of shallow judgments and appreciate your own unique journey.
Emotional authenticity is a final important lesson. Many perfectionists try to maintain a façade of control, suppressing emotions to appear strong or appropriate. However, this control often leads to exhaustion and a sense of isolation. Allowing yourself to experience and express emotions genuinely—without letting them dominate—can improve your relationships and your own sense of well-being. Small steps, like letting your facial expressions reflect your true feelings, can lead to more honest interactions and reduce the need for perfectionist defenses.
In conclusion, "How to Be Enough" offers a powerful framework for shifting from a perfectionist mindset to one grounded in self-compassion and authenticity. It challenges the myth that perfectionism is necessary for success and instead shows how letting go of impossible standards can lead to true fulfillment. By learning to replace criticism with kindness, rigid rules with meaningful values, and comparison with genuine self-expression, readers can find a path to feeling genuinely enough. This journey is not about lowering standards but about choosing which standards matter and creating space for both excellence and self-acceptance. Ultimately, the book provides practical tools and encouragement for anyone ready to step off the treadmill of perfectionism and embrace life as it truly is—with all its imperfections and possibilities.
Perfectionism often masquerades as a drive for excellence, but beneath the surface, it is rooted in a persistent sense of inadequacy. Many perfectionists are stuck in a cycle of striving to meet impossible standards, only to feel unfulfilled when they do. This constant need to achieve more and do better is not about healthy ambition but rather a symptom of never feeling good enough. Instead of celebrating accomplishments, perfectionists often fixate on their flaws, raising their standards higher with every success. This relentless pressure is not only exhausting but also counterproductive, leading to procrastination, burnout, and isolation.
One of the primary challenges of perfectionism is the harsh inner critic, a voice that amplifies every mistake and undermines every achievement. It tells you that your struggles are insignificant compared to others, that you should be further ahead in life, and that nothing you do is ever quite enough. This voice often emerges as a misguided form of self-protection. By criticizing yourself first, you hope to soften the blow of external criticism. By maintaining impossibly high standards, you aim to avoid failure. However, this strategy backfires, leaving you feeling more vulnerable and less connected to others.
For instance, the book shares the story of Elena, a software developer who stays late every night obsessively perfecting her work. She believes that any small mistake will expose her as unworthy of her job. This kind of perfectionism is not protecting her but rather preventing her from enjoying her achievements and building relationships with her colleagues. Such stories illustrate how the perfectionist mindset can create barriers to success and fulfillment.
The key to overcoming this pattern lies in a series of mindset shifts. The first is replacing criticism with compassion. Many perfectionists believe that self-criticism is the key to self-improvement, but research suggests otherwise. Self-compassion—treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend—can reduce stress, improve resilience, and lead to better outcomes. Practicing self-compassion involves acknowledging your struggles as part of the shared human experience, allowing for rest, and making room for joy without guilt.
Hendriksen also explores the danger of letting rigid rules govern your life. Perfectionism often manifests through internalized demands like 'I must' or 'I should,' which create a constant sense of obligation. A healthier alternative is to live according to your values rather than strict rules. Values are not about what you have to do but rather about what gives your life meaning. They guide your actions in a flexible and intentional way, helping you make choices that align with what truly matters to you. By shifting from rules to values, you free yourself from the pressure of perfection and move toward a more authentic and fulfilling life.
Procrastination is another common struggle for perfectionists, often arising from fear of failure. When a task feels overwhelming, the immediate relief of avoiding it can be tempting. However, this avoidance only deepens feelings of inadequacy and creates a cycle that is hard to break. Hendriksen suggests practical strategies like breaking tasks into small, manageable steps and using visualization techniques to connect with your future self. By imagining how good it will feel to make progress, you can overcome the inertia of perfectionism and start taking action.
The book also delves into how perfectionism affects relationships. Perfectionists often hold not only themselves but also those around them to impossible standards. This can lead to tension and disconnection, particularly with loved ones. Hendriksen emphasizes the importance of treating others with the same compassion you are learning to show yourself. By letting go of the need to control everything and allowing space for imperfections, you can foster deeper, more genuine connections.
Another significant theme is the shift from comparison to authenticity. Perfectionism often involves constantly measuring yourself against others, whether to feel superior or to confirm your own inadequacy. Both forms of comparison are damaging, as they keep you focused on what you lack rather than what you have. Hendriksen encourages curiosity as an antidote to comparison. By seeking to understand the fuller stories of those around you, you can break the habit of shallow judgments and appreciate your own unique journey.
Emotional authenticity is a final important lesson. Many perfectionists try to maintain a façade of control, suppressing emotions to appear strong or appropriate. However, this control often leads to exhaustion and a sense of isolation. Allowing yourself to experience and express emotions genuinely—without letting them dominate—can improve your relationships and your own sense of well-being. Small steps, like letting your facial expressions reflect your true feelings, can lead to more honest interactions and reduce the need for perfectionist defenses.
In conclusion, "How to Be Enough" offers a powerful framework for shifting from a perfectionist mindset to one grounded in self-compassion and authenticity. It challenges the myth that perfectionism is necessary for success and instead shows how letting go of impossible standards can lead to true fulfillment. By learning to replace criticism with kindness, rigid rules with meaningful values, and comparison with genuine self-expression, readers can find a path to feeling genuinely enough. This journey is not about lowering standards but about choosing which standards matter and creating space for both excellence and self-acceptance. Ultimately, the book provides practical tools and encouragement for anyone ready to step off the treadmill of perfectionism and embrace life as it truly is—with all its imperfections and possibilities.
February 5, 2025
Real Rating: 4.25* of five
The Publisher Says: Are you your own toughest critic? Learn to be good to yourself with this clear and compassionate guide.
Do you set demanding standards for yourself? If so, a lot likely goes well in your life: You might earn compliments, admiration, or accomplishments. Your high standards and hard work pay off.
But privately, you may feel like you’re falling behind, faking it, or different from everybody else. Your eagle-eyed inner quality control inspector highlights every mistake. You try hard to avoid criticism, but criticize yourself. Trying to get it right is your guiding light, but it has lit the way to a place of dissatisfaction, loneliness, or disconnection. In short, you may look like you’re hitting it out of the park, but you feel like you’re striking out.
This is perfectionism. And for everyone who struggles with it, it’s a misnomer: perfectionism isn’t about striving to be perfect. It’s about never feeling good enough.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen—clinical psychologist, anxiety specialist, and author of How to Be Yourself—is on the same journey as you. In How to Be Enough, Hendriksen charts a flexible, forgiving, and freeing path, all without giving up the excellence your high standards and hard work have gotten you. She delivers seven shifts—including from self-criticism to kindness, control to authenticity, procrastination to productivity, comparison to contentment—to find self-acceptance, rewrite the Inner Rulebook, and most of all, cultivate the authentic human connections we’re all craving.
With compassion and humor, Hendriksen lays out a clear, effective, and empowering guide. To enjoy rather than improve, be real rather than impressive, and be good to yourself when you’re wired to be hard on yourself.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: I was the youngest child of my parents. My older siblings were more like aunts than siblings...we were two presidencies apart, almost three...and as adolescents lumbered with a toddler they didn't want in their ambit, weren't any more careful of word or deed than one would expect from members of a toxic system at a terrible passage in human life. In other words, not kind, not loving, not supportive. Add that to parents who didn't model those things and...well.
This book understood me.
So much of the world is based on conditionality: if you want this thing/state/privilege, you must give that thing/service. Conditionality and capitalism are deeply intertwined, I venture to suggest inseparably so. One's self-worth in a capitalist system becomes imbued with that transactional conditionality: I'm not working hard enough to deserve this or that bauble. Far worse is the knock-on of that, I'm too "poor" to afford this thing/service so I must be lazy/undeserving/unworthy.
It enters one's bones and imbues all one's relationships: I'm not getting this thing/behavior/feeling I need so I must not deserve it...if I work harder/behave better/give more of this or that resource I have, maybe then I will deserve or even get it.
The internalization of perfectionism is thus complete and the transactional relationship template is frozen into immobility. As are many of us who got this message. We're frozen into immobility because then the desired whatevers *not* being ours makes sense. We don't deserve whatever. Therefore the world makes sense because we don't have it.
A book like this one that makes the pathology plain does a huge service to the sufferer from the condition. It's wonderful to be told plainly and baldly that: "Pretty much every high achieving person experiences a gravitational pull to feel left out. Meaning we reflexively look for signs and signals that tell you you’re being excluded or not wanted." It's a balm to know the roots of this awful paralysis are there in multitudes of us, then be told how that: "What perfectionism neglects to tell us is that getting it right doesn’t make us part of a community." Ultimately, we've bought the bullshit and not the bull himself; we paid for the bull, and now here's a way to get him.
The author is, I suspect, an excellent therapist in practice. In writing she is clear, concise, and manages to be evocative in her phrasemaking. No small feat! I don't think this book is for those who struggle to see their own pathologies, there are more effective tools to break walls of denial. I think most readers are some way into the process of denial-busting, but again the best audience for the read are those who already see their perfectionism, have an idea it's a problem, and would like some help building coping strategies for its dismantling.
This book is a wonderfully useful tool for that purpose. I can't offer a full fifth star because there is just that soupçon too little interlinking of strategic implementation: How, after this insight hits home, the reader should look for that and the other one to arise.
As cavils go, it's really pretty minor. As self-help books go, this one belongs on far more bookshelves/Kindles than it doesn't.
The Publisher Says: Are you your own toughest critic? Learn to be good to yourself with this clear and compassionate guide.
Do you set demanding standards for yourself? If so, a lot likely goes well in your life: You might earn compliments, admiration, or accomplishments. Your high standards and hard work pay off.
But privately, you may feel like you’re falling behind, faking it, or different from everybody else. Your eagle-eyed inner quality control inspector highlights every mistake. You try hard to avoid criticism, but criticize yourself. Trying to get it right is your guiding light, but it has lit the way to a place of dissatisfaction, loneliness, or disconnection. In short, you may look like you’re hitting it out of the park, but you feel like you’re striking out.
This is perfectionism. And for everyone who struggles with it, it’s a misnomer: perfectionism isn’t about striving to be perfect. It’s about never feeling good enough.
Dr. Ellen Hendriksen—clinical psychologist, anxiety specialist, and author of How to Be Yourself—is on the same journey as you. In How to Be Enough, Hendriksen charts a flexible, forgiving, and freeing path, all without giving up the excellence your high standards and hard work have gotten you. She delivers seven shifts—including from self-criticism to kindness, control to authenticity, procrastination to productivity, comparison to contentment—to find self-acceptance, rewrite the Inner Rulebook, and most of all, cultivate the authentic human connections we’re all craving.
With compassion and humor, Hendriksen lays out a clear, effective, and empowering guide. To enjoy rather than improve, be real rather than impressive, and be good to yourself when you’re wired to be hard on yourself.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: I was the youngest child of my parents. My older siblings were more like aunts than siblings...we were two presidencies apart, almost three...and as adolescents lumbered with a toddler they didn't want in their ambit, weren't any more careful of word or deed than one would expect from members of a toxic system at a terrible passage in human life. In other words, not kind, not loving, not supportive. Add that to parents who didn't model those things and...well.
This book understood me.
So much of the world is based on conditionality: if you want this thing/state/privilege, you must give that thing/service. Conditionality and capitalism are deeply intertwined, I venture to suggest inseparably so. One's self-worth in a capitalist system becomes imbued with that transactional conditionality: I'm not working hard enough to deserve this or that bauble. Far worse is the knock-on of that, I'm too "poor" to afford this thing/service so I must be lazy/undeserving/unworthy.
It enters one's bones and imbues all one's relationships: I'm not getting this thing/behavior/feeling I need so I must not deserve it...if I work harder/behave better/give more of this or that resource I have, maybe then I will deserve or even get it.
The internalization of perfectionism is thus complete and the transactional relationship template is frozen into immobility. As are many of us who got this message. We're frozen into immobility because then the desired whatevers *not* being ours makes sense. We don't deserve whatever. Therefore the world makes sense because we don't have it.
A book like this one that makes the pathology plain does a huge service to the sufferer from the condition. It's wonderful to be told plainly and baldly that: "Pretty much every high achieving person experiences a gravitational pull to feel left out. Meaning we reflexively look for signs and signals that tell you you’re being excluded or not wanted." It's a balm to know the roots of this awful paralysis are there in multitudes of us, then be told how that: "What perfectionism neglects to tell us is that getting it right doesn’t make us part of a community." Ultimately, we've bought the bullshit and not the bull himself; we paid for the bull, and now here's a way to get him.
The author is, I suspect, an excellent therapist in practice. In writing she is clear, concise, and manages to be evocative in her phrasemaking. No small feat! I don't think this book is for those who struggle to see their own pathologies, there are more effective tools to break walls of denial. I think most readers are some way into the process of denial-busting, but again the best audience for the read are those who already see their perfectionism, have an idea it's a problem, and would like some help building coping strategies for its dismantling.
This book is a wonderfully useful tool for that purpose. I can't offer a full fifth star because there is just that soupçon too little interlinking of strategic implementation: How, after this insight hits home, the reader should look for that and the other one to arise.
As cavils go, it's really pretty minor. As self-help books go, this one belongs on far more bookshelves/Kindles than it doesn't.
February 21, 2025
This was the book that destroyed my will to touch another self-help title again. I've already had a bad feeling about it when the preface told us we should be relating to Walt Disney and how much he suffered due to his perfectionism because everything in his movies had to be the way he envisioned it - all the while mentioning him overworking his employees to the bone in one off-handed sentence.
No, I do not relate to the cultish attitude towards "suffering geniuses" who climbed to wealth and fame upon backs of millions of nameless workers who aren't getting credit for anything. They're the ones overworked, underpaid, permanently stressed, criticized over every irrelevant detail, easily fired or laid off and never appreciated for their contribution. It's always the person on top - usually a white man - who hoards all the glory. He doesn't need my sympathy on top of all his other gains.
But that's the "myth of great people" and mentality of individual exceptionalism - to tell you to sympathize with Walt Disney and see yourself in him, not sympathize with the worker and their plight under greedy, obsessed tyrants.
To this day we're supposed to look up to figures like Musk, Zuckerberg and Bezos and wish to mimic them, rather than support the people they're exploiting.
But I thought, maybe that's a one-time oversight, maybe the book will get better.
And then I arrived to the passage about Steve Jobs. Another man who made his career and riches upon backs of abused workers. The chapter about him triggered and disgusted me. No, this is not "perfectionism". This is an image of a narcissistic despot.
There is a scene describing him as he was dying of cancer and his daughter came to visit him and his words to her were "you smell like a toilet". Most people when on their deathbed try to reconcile with their family, get a closure on the Earthly matters and if they're religious, be remorseful about their mistakes so they may peacefully pass into the afterlife. Not Steve Jobs. I don't know what he did or didn't believe in, but I got an image of a man who would hurl abuse even with his dying breath.
And then, that is compared to perfectionism and "being strict towards not just yourself, but also others". Sorry, but telling your daughter her perfume stinks like toilet isn't being strict. It's rude and derogatory. It has nothing to do with perfectionism. Is this book for sociopaths? So they can excuse their derision as "oh, it's just my perfectionism!"
At this point I couldn't continue the book. I've put it aside, hoping my feelings toward it would change so I could look at it with a fresh eye, but 1.5 month after the publication date I'm still outraged at the suggestion perfectionists should see themselves in those abusive figures and sympathize with them. Just because someone became rich, famous and successful doesn't justify their callousness, and especially not towards their own family.
There's a difference between "high standards" and "the world revolves around me and must cater to me" attitude.
Even the book title talks about "self-acceptance" and nothing about giving yourself a pass to hurt others, especially deliberately in a way "end justifies the means" or "they're beneath me so they don't deserve any better treatment".
If there's one thing I can't abide in self-help book is bad advice or glorifying bad attitudes. Self-help is supposed to give us guidance and help us become a better version of ourselves. It's often used by people whose past experiences gave them a distorted sense of reality and who often can't afford a therapist to tell them what's normal and what's abusive or pathological. So presenting abusive behaviours with sympathy and not calling them abuse just because they were committed by people the society perceives as successful and aspirational is perpetuating misinformation and double standards in the society where people on top get a pass for everything, while people on the bottom beat themselves up for "not being good enough" and wondering why don't they get the same credit of sympathy as the former group.
I can't believe nobody called this out. Nobody. That's how deeply runs the double standard in the society that nobody sees anything odd or wrong in it.
Perfectionism isn't about being a tyrant or an egomaniac. And these shouldn't be conflated.
Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin's Essentials for the ARC.
No, I do not relate to the cultish attitude towards "suffering geniuses" who climbed to wealth and fame upon backs of millions of nameless workers who aren't getting credit for anything. They're the ones overworked, underpaid, permanently stressed, criticized over every irrelevant detail, easily fired or laid off and never appreciated for their contribution. It's always the person on top - usually a white man - who hoards all the glory. He doesn't need my sympathy on top of all his other gains.
But that's the "myth of great people" and mentality of individual exceptionalism - to tell you to sympathize with Walt Disney and see yourself in him, not sympathize with the worker and their plight under greedy, obsessed tyrants.
To this day we're supposed to look up to figures like Musk, Zuckerberg and Bezos and wish to mimic them, rather than support the people they're exploiting.
But I thought, maybe that's a one-time oversight, maybe the book will get better.
And then I arrived to the passage about Steve Jobs. Another man who made his career and riches upon backs of abused workers. The chapter about him triggered and disgusted me. No, this is not "perfectionism". This is an image of a narcissistic despot.
There is a scene describing him as he was dying of cancer and his daughter came to visit him and his words to her were "you smell like a toilet". Most people when on their deathbed try to reconcile with their family, get a closure on the Earthly matters and if they're religious, be remorseful about their mistakes so they may peacefully pass into the afterlife. Not Steve Jobs. I don't know what he did or didn't believe in, but I got an image of a man who would hurl abuse even with his dying breath.
And then, that is compared to perfectionism and "being strict towards not just yourself, but also others". Sorry, but telling your daughter her perfume stinks like toilet isn't being strict. It's rude and derogatory. It has nothing to do with perfectionism. Is this book for sociopaths? So they can excuse their derision as "oh, it's just my perfectionism!"
At this point I couldn't continue the book. I've put it aside, hoping my feelings toward it would change so I could look at it with a fresh eye, but 1.5 month after the publication date I'm still outraged at the suggestion perfectionists should see themselves in those abusive figures and sympathize with them. Just because someone became rich, famous and successful doesn't justify their callousness, and especially not towards their own family.
There's a difference between "high standards" and "the world revolves around me and must cater to me" attitude.
Even the book title talks about "self-acceptance" and nothing about giving yourself a pass to hurt others, especially deliberately in a way "end justifies the means" or "they're beneath me so they don't deserve any better treatment".
If there's one thing I can't abide in self-help book is bad advice or glorifying bad attitudes. Self-help is supposed to give us guidance and help us become a better version of ourselves. It's often used by people whose past experiences gave them a distorted sense of reality and who often can't afford a therapist to tell them what's normal and what's abusive or pathological. So presenting abusive behaviours with sympathy and not calling them abuse just because they were committed by people the society perceives as successful and aspirational is perpetuating misinformation and double standards in the society where people on top get a pass for everything, while people on the bottom beat themselves up for "not being good enough" and wondering why don't they get the same credit of sympathy as the former group.
I can't believe nobody called this out. Nobody. That's how deeply runs the double standard in the society that nobody sees anything odd or wrong in it.
Perfectionism isn't about being a tyrant or an egomaniac. And these shouldn't be conflated.
Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin's Essentials for the ARC.
March 28, 2025
Written by a clinical psychologist, this is a great book for perfectionists i.e. someone like me who is detail-oriented, goal-driven, self-critical, riddled with anxiety, compares myself to others, allergic to failures, hyperaware of my flaws, and is an overachiever in things I know I’m good at. Humans are all fallible; yet I still hold myself at impossibly high standards and when I fail, I don’t extend myself the grace I give others. My self-worth is generally tied to how well I performed at school, at work, at home, in social life etc.
What really stirred me was learning about how genetics, family environments and social expectations influence perfectionism from a very young age (the author, a recovering perfectionist herself, is half-Asian, surprise surprise). As an anxious+perfectionistic parent of a very young child, this chapter was invaluable for my learning of how I came to be, and how I will pass this on if I don’t change. The stats on the heritability of self-oriented perfectionism/socially prescribed perfectionism in children blew my mind. This isn’t technically a parenting book, and yet it really set the stage for parents with perfectionistic tendencies to be self-aware of our inner critic and to really start treating ourselves with kindness for the sake of our children. I, for one, do not want my child to be a mini me.
As a perfectionist, there is a tendency to gear towards self-help books that scream, “Be better! Build better habits! Hyper focus! Be mentally tough! Carpe diem! Feel the fear and do it anyway!� (Although, I personally cannot stand books like this because they make me feel worse.) How to be Enough helps you understand perfectionism is a symptom of not feeling good enough. It is well-researched, well-thought out, with personal anecdotes from the author’s clients.
While I did find it way too long and redundant in places, overall it is a book that feels like a therapy session. The content is generally insightful and relatable, even funny at times. I do wish there is a summary page of sort after each chapter. Nevertheless, the book gives you tools to define your values and to let go of things that don’t actually matter, to be flexible with your rules, to shift procrastination to productivity, to learn to be content rather than compare. It gives you permission to feel all your feelings, and to let go of your inner critic.
All of this is much easier said than done, and I find myself stumbling back into comfortable old habits. It’s like putting on my pair of well-fitting Converse shoes. I know I should wear foot-shaped shoes instead of one that cramps my big toe, but I can’t help it, I’m so used to my Converses.
But recently I’ve noticed I’m giving myself much more grace than I normally do. It is freeing.
What really stirred me was learning about how genetics, family environments and social expectations influence perfectionism from a very young age (the author, a recovering perfectionist herself, is half-Asian, surprise surprise). As an anxious+perfectionistic parent of a very young child, this chapter was invaluable for my learning of how I came to be, and how I will pass this on if I don’t change. The stats on the heritability of self-oriented perfectionism/socially prescribed perfectionism in children blew my mind. This isn’t technically a parenting book, and yet it really set the stage for parents with perfectionistic tendencies to be self-aware of our inner critic and to really start treating ourselves with kindness for the sake of our children. I, for one, do not want my child to be a mini me.
As a perfectionist, there is a tendency to gear towards self-help books that scream, “Be better! Build better habits! Hyper focus! Be mentally tough! Carpe diem! Feel the fear and do it anyway!� (Although, I personally cannot stand books like this because they make me feel worse.) How to be Enough helps you understand perfectionism is a symptom of not feeling good enough. It is well-researched, well-thought out, with personal anecdotes from the author’s clients.
While I did find it way too long and redundant in places, overall it is a book that feels like a therapy session. The content is generally insightful and relatable, even funny at times. I do wish there is a summary page of sort after each chapter. Nevertheless, the book gives you tools to define your values and to let go of things that don’t actually matter, to be flexible with your rules, to shift procrastination to productivity, to learn to be content rather than compare. It gives you permission to feel all your feelings, and to let go of your inner critic.
All of this is much easier said than done, and I find myself stumbling back into comfortable old habits. It’s like putting on my pair of well-fitting Converse shoes. I know I should wear foot-shaped shoes instead of one that cramps my big toe, but I can’t help it, I’m so used to my Converses.
But recently I’ve noticed I’m giving myself much more grace than I normally do. It is freeing.
November 2, 2024
"How to Be Enough" is such a breath of fresh air; especially those with us struggling with various forms of perfectionism (aka consciousness in overdrive), there's many things within this book that you can walk away with. I've personally struggled with a number of the thought patterns and behaviors that are illustrated here, but have found it increasingly difficult to talk about. In today's society, as Hendriksen points out, perfectionism frequently leads to many rewarding and praise-worthy outcomes. But there are a number of detrimental outcomes, including our mental and physical health, a higher frequency of mental illnesses and suicide rates, and the overall quality of life and relationships we form.
I found this self help book to be well well-balanced between the number of Hendriksen's personal experiences, stories of patients and acquaintances, and research and case studies. She breaks down the different components to perfectionism (hypercritical relationship with oneself, overevaluation, orientation to rules, focus on mistakes, etc.) , as well as the different types (self-oriented vs. other-oriented) before delving into each area in more detail and introducing different strategies and methods for managing and improving them. Each section is sprinkled with humor and an acknowledgement that, while small, these strategies can have large impacts over time.
A great thing about a book like this is that readers can focus on sections that are more relevant for them, and skim or skip the ones that aren't. I personally thought that Hendriksen's section on "doorknobs" for conversations would be applicable for anyone; far too often, I've encountered people who can't carry a conversation or end up spending making it all about themselves. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this read and found the larger takeaways - to focus more on values and process, and less on outcomes and goals; and to encourage more self-forgiveness and authenticity - to be applicable and actionable. Very much recommended when "How to Be Enough" is published in January 2025!
Thank you St. Martin's Press for the advance copy of this novel!
I found this self help book to be well well-balanced between the number of Hendriksen's personal experiences, stories of patients and acquaintances, and research and case studies. She breaks down the different components to perfectionism (hypercritical relationship with oneself, overevaluation, orientation to rules, focus on mistakes, etc.) , as well as the different types (self-oriented vs. other-oriented) before delving into each area in more detail and introducing different strategies and methods for managing and improving them. Each section is sprinkled with humor and an acknowledgement that, while small, these strategies can have large impacts over time.
A great thing about a book like this is that readers can focus on sections that are more relevant for them, and skim or skip the ones that aren't. I personally thought that Hendriksen's section on "doorknobs" for conversations would be applicable for anyone; far too often, I've encountered people who can't carry a conversation or end up spending making it all about themselves. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this read and found the larger takeaways - to focus more on values and process, and less on outcomes and goals; and to encourage more self-forgiveness and authenticity - to be applicable and actionable. Very much recommended when "How to Be Enough" is published in January 2025!
Thank you St. Martin's Press for the advance copy of this novel!
January 5, 2025
"How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists" by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph. D.
Publishing date: January 7, 2025
10 hours 15 minutes audiobook narrated by the author
I wished to read this book because I thought it was a book about minimalism. In fact, it had nothing to do with minimalism (my bad).
The subtitle is "Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists", and the book is indeed about perfectionism and people with perfectionistic tendencies, which happens to include myself.
This was a book I didn't realize I needed. Perfectionists tend to be high-achiever and highly motivated, which makes us highly functional contributors to society. In turn, it is exhausting. We tend to have very high expectations and exhaust ourselves. We exhaust sometimes those close to us, if the high expectations are aimed towards our family, friends, and colleagues. Besides I myself being one, I also know a few close friends who share similar tendencies. The book is full of practical advices to include in our lives to make our lives better - which were highly appreciated.
The book is also very approachable and narrated very well by the author herself, who admits having a perfectionistic tendencies. This makes her sympathetic to us, which was also welcome. I also liked her sense of humor. For a self-help book, it was funny and engaging, and not dry at all.
I do wish the book was more compact, especially the first part describing our issues and famous figures who have had the same issues in the past - Unless it's someone like me who didn't read the subtitle, the target audience is clear and we don't need to hear about other examples of people like us. I felt it could be shorter and more focused. Overall though, it was enjoyable and I learned good deal from this book.
An advanced copy of this audiobook was provided courtesy of NetGalley and Macmillan Audio. Opinions stated here is my own. Thank you!
Publishing date: January 7, 2025
10 hours 15 minutes audiobook narrated by the author
I wished to read this book because I thought it was a book about minimalism. In fact, it had nothing to do with minimalism (my bad).
The subtitle is "Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists", and the book is indeed about perfectionism and people with perfectionistic tendencies, which happens to include myself.
This was a book I didn't realize I needed. Perfectionists tend to be high-achiever and highly motivated, which makes us highly functional contributors to society. In turn, it is exhausting. We tend to have very high expectations and exhaust ourselves. We exhaust sometimes those close to us, if the high expectations are aimed towards our family, friends, and colleagues. Besides I myself being one, I also know a few close friends who share similar tendencies. The book is full of practical advices to include in our lives to make our lives better - which were highly appreciated.
The book is also very approachable and narrated very well by the author herself, who admits having a perfectionistic tendencies. This makes her sympathetic to us, which was also welcome. I also liked her sense of humor. For a self-help book, it was funny and engaging, and not dry at all.
I do wish the book was more compact, especially the first part describing our issues and famous figures who have had the same issues in the past - Unless it's someone like me who didn't read the subtitle, the target audience is clear and we don't need to hear about other examples of people like us. I felt it could be shorter and more focused. Overall though, it was enjoyable and I learned good deal from this book.
An advanced copy of this audiobook was provided courtesy of NetGalley and Macmillan Audio. Opinions stated here is my own. Thank you!
December 29, 2024
Fantastic deep-dive into the complicated foundations of perfectionism. Hendriksen makes this hairy, defensive topic very approachable, with a conversational writing style and countless analogies and personal stories.
While I expected some of the information to be common sense (e.g., 'take it easy,' 'be nice to yourself'), the overall book contains many snippets of information that were helpful, interesting, and more thought-provoking than I originally anticipated.
I walked away with a newfound understanding of three main topics. First, procrastination is not about time management but emotion management. FMRI studies backed this up and gave me a new perspective on that gnawing self-sabotaging feeling when there is so much to do, but procrastination keeps slipping in uninvited.
Secondly, the core trait of perfectionism begins and festers within family structures. This seems obvious, but Hendriksen breaks this down into multiple types of parenting and how even innocuous helpfulness and/or encouragement can have long-term consequences if not executed properly. Chapter 3, as a whole, is an important chapter for anyone interested in learning more about their own perfectionism and how to integrate more thoughtful parenting with their own children.
Lastly, the book offers many helpful tips and suggestions on how to be more open and vulnerable in personal and professional relationships. This was unexpected, but it really highlighted how perfectionism can bleed into daily conversations and inadvertently block genuine connections with others.
Overall, wonderful book for the insecure overachiever in all of us. 4.5 out of 5 stars.
Thank you, NetGalley and St. Martin's Press, for the opportunity to read this advanced reader's copy in exchange for my honest review.
While I expected some of the information to be common sense (e.g., 'take it easy,' 'be nice to yourself'), the overall book contains many snippets of information that were helpful, interesting, and more thought-provoking than I originally anticipated.
I walked away with a newfound understanding of three main topics. First, procrastination is not about time management but emotion management. FMRI studies backed this up and gave me a new perspective on that gnawing self-sabotaging feeling when there is so much to do, but procrastination keeps slipping in uninvited.
Secondly, the core trait of perfectionism begins and festers within family structures. This seems obvious, but Hendriksen breaks this down into multiple types of parenting and how even innocuous helpfulness and/or encouragement can have long-term consequences if not executed properly. Chapter 3, as a whole, is an important chapter for anyone interested in learning more about their own perfectionism and how to integrate more thoughtful parenting with their own children.
Lastly, the book offers many helpful tips and suggestions on how to be more open and vulnerable in personal and professional relationships. This was unexpected, but it really highlighted how perfectionism can bleed into daily conversations and inadvertently block genuine connections with others.
Overall, wonderful book for the insecure overachiever in all of us. 4.5 out of 5 stars.
Thank you, NetGalley and St. Martin's Press, for the opportunity to read this advanced reader's copy in exchange for my honest review.
January 17, 2025
If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly falling short—no matter how much you accomplish—this book will hit home. How to Be Enough is like a kind, understanding friend who reminds you that perfection isn’t the goal and that you’re already worthy, just as you are.
Ellen Hendriksen does a fantastic job breaking down why so many of us struggle with self-criticism and perfectionism. She explains how these habits form, why they’re so hard to shake, and most importantly, how to start rewiring your brain to embrace self-acceptance. What I loved most is that she doesn’t just give vague advice—she provides real, actionable strategies to challenge negative self-talk, let go of unrealistic expectations, and stop measuring your worth by external achievements.
The book is filled with relatable examples, and Hendriksen’s writing is warm, funny, and easy to connect with. It doesn’t feel like a dry psychology lecture; it feels like a personal conversation with someone who gets it. She also includes stories about famous figures (like Walt Disney and Fred Rogers) to show how even the most successful people battled self-doubt, which makes her advice feel even more reassuring.
One of the biggest takeaways for me was the idea that self-acceptance isn’t about giving up—it’s about freeing yourself from impossible standards so you can actually enjoy life. If you’re someone who constantly feels like they have to prove themselves or "earn" their worth, this book is a must-read.
Highly recommend for perfectionists, overthinkers, and anyone who’s ever felt like they’re not enough (spoiler: you are).
Ellen Hendriksen does a fantastic job breaking down why so many of us struggle with self-criticism and perfectionism. She explains how these habits form, why they’re so hard to shake, and most importantly, how to start rewiring your brain to embrace self-acceptance. What I loved most is that she doesn’t just give vague advice—she provides real, actionable strategies to challenge negative self-talk, let go of unrealistic expectations, and stop measuring your worth by external achievements.
The book is filled with relatable examples, and Hendriksen’s writing is warm, funny, and easy to connect with. It doesn’t feel like a dry psychology lecture; it feels like a personal conversation with someone who gets it. She also includes stories about famous figures (like Walt Disney and Fred Rogers) to show how even the most successful people battled self-doubt, which makes her advice feel even more reassuring.
One of the biggest takeaways for me was the idea that self-acceptance isn’t about giving up—it’s about freeing yourself from impossible standards so you can actually enjoy life. If you’re someone who constantly feels like they have to prove themselves or "earn" their worth, this book is a must-read.
Highly recommend for perfectionists, overthinkers, and anyone who’s ever felt like they’re not enough (spoiler: you are).
January 25, 2025
In this self-help book about managing one's perfectionism and inner self-critic, Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D. takes a personal and extremely relatable approach to discovering self-acceptance. I felt as though she was speaking directly to me in conversation as she included anecdotes from her practice as well as her own life, discussing all the of ways perfectionism manifests itself, all of the root causes for perfectionism, and all of the ways we as perfectionists sabotage our own happiness and sense of self-worth.
But rather than take the approach of how to CHANGE one's perfectionism, she gently advises accepting my inner critic as part of my personality, without allowing it to control me. I am the one in control--not my perfectionism. I can still hold high standards for myself and others, but I can also allow myself the freedom to be flawed and vulnerable and authentic in the way I treat myself and relate to others. I do not need to strive to be anything other than who and what I am.
I especially loved how she brought in examples of Fred Rogers and Walt Disney as opposing examples of how perfectionism manifests itself in healthy and unhealthy ways.
Thank you to NetGalley for giving me the opportunity to read this advance copy. I've recommended this book to everyone I know: my children, my friends, my spouse, my life coach. I will definitely be purchasing a physical copy for my bookshelf so that I can continue to consult these wise words that spoke to me so clearly.
But rather than take the approach of how to CHANGE one's perfectionism, she gently advises accepting my inner critic as part of my personality, without allowing it to control me. I am the one in control--not my perfectionism. I can still hold high standards for myself and others, but I can also allow myself the freedom to be flawed and vulnerable and authentic in the way I treat myself and relate to others. I do not need to strive to be anything other than who and what I am.
I especially loved how she brought in examples of Fred Rogers and Walt Disney as opposing examples of how perfectionism manifests itself in healthy and unhealthy ways.
Thank you to NetGalley for giving me the opportunity to read this advance copy. I've recommended this book to everyone I know: my children, my friends, my spouse, my life coach. I will definitely be purchasing a physical copy for my bookshelf so that I can continue to consult these wise words that spoke to me so clearly.
October 19, 2024
This is not a novel, it is a book that you will find things that help understand some of the things you think. One of the things I found for me, was when I have to learn something new or take a test, I panic, stress, make myself sick, but I do it and all is good. But, it always happens. Well, I learned that it could be I am so afraid of making a mistake. Until I read about it, I said I always say, I love making mistakes because I learn so much more from making a mistake than I do coasting through life. But after reading what the author was saying, I could honestly say, I wasn't facing what the problem was, I was trying to convince myself that I loved making mistakes. It was easier. As I move on, I am taking the information with me, and also the book. It isn't a book you read all at once. It is when you are struggling with something, there is information in the book that helps me.
The title intrigued me, and I learned a few things there, too. When I had to learn a new computer program, the panic started, and I stopped my brain, and it told me what it had to say, and I said what I had to say, and I settled in, and managed to do it without the stress or getting sick. The book is a tool, that will help myself and others, The author isn't trying to convince you that you might have something that you don't have. The author and book is there, for answers to questions that you have about what is going on with you.
I received an ARC from St. Martin's Essentials through NetGalley.
The title intrigued me, and I learned a few things there, too. When I had to learn a new computer program, the panic started, and I stopped my brain, and it told me what it had to say, and I said what I had to say, and I settled in, and managed to do it without the stress or getting sick. The book is a tool, that will help myself and others, The author isn't trying to convince you that you might have something that you don't have. The author and book is there, for answers to questions that you have about what is going on with you.
I received an ARC from St. Martin's Essentials through NetGalley.
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