Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ

“I love how golf courses have water hazards. But the ponds feel empty without ducks. I'd like to start a business renting my ducks out to country clubs.”
― Jarod Kintz, To be good at golf you must go full koala bear

“I'll bet playing classical music to plants would make them grow taller. When my ducks listen to Mozart, they become more cultured and have done things like taken up golf.”
― Jarod Kintz, To be good at golf you must go full koala bear

“People ask me, "Jarod, why haven't you won an NFL Championship by now?" My answer is the same. I reply, "I may not be Mozart, or I might be, who's to say, but if you put me in an elevator, I'm going to make music that fills the space completely, like duck quacks in a can.”
― Jarod Kintz, Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“I created an Excel spreadsheet full of golf terms like eagle and birdie. I’m surprised one under isn’t called duck, because isn’t that what you do when you go under, duck?”
― Jarod Kintz, To be good at golf you must go full koala bear

“I would rather fly on a Pekin duck than in a helicopter. The safest place for a rotor aircraft is on a page in da Vinci's diary.”
― Jarod Kintz, Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“Ducks make the best soup. Campbell’s used to, but Joseph A. Campbell died on March 27th, 1900, and the FoodDrink that comes in their cans now tastes like a cemetery.”
― Jarod Kintz, Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“What is the most valuable thing in the world? Nothing, because who is able to acquire nothing? Not getting nothing is getting it, and once you get it you don't have it anymore. I learned this from a duck while watching it try to fly and swim at the same time.”
― Jarod Kintz, Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm is the anti-Metaverse. Why live in a fake world, when a real one already exists? Bill Gates talks about The Metaverse to obscure the fact that (s)he is now America's largest farm holder. The Fake is for YOU, while (s)he wants The Real.”
― Jarod Kintz, Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“I told my ducks that The Great Library of Alexandria was torched by arsonists in 275 AD, and their only response was, "Quack." They weren't upset, not because they don't read, but because they probably realized the building was burnt after all the books were secreted away.”
― Jarod Kintz, Duck Quotes For The Ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“Have you ever had a prophetic dream about my duck farm being as successful in the future as The Spicy Chicken Sandwich? No? Well, try harder! For better results, sleep longer.”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“If ducks could read, what books would they choose to eye absorb? Probably biographies of Amelia Earhart.”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“What if a slumber retailer merged with a hamburger substitute to form a new store called Bed, Bath, and Beyond Meat? It would be the opposite of what ducks make, which is real sleep products (feather pillows) and real food (eggs).”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“Why aren’t more news articles written about duck farms? Is it because the end product doesn’t produce obscene violence? It’s true, people do stab each other over spicy chicken sandwiches, but think of the savagery over my eggs that’ll take place when all that’s left in the grocery store is Beyond Meat.”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“I like my duck eggs cooked like I like my relationships: Over easy.”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“To collect rainwater on your duck farm, dig a ditch and line it with empty taco shells. It’s not the best solution, but it’s better than the alternative, which is Italian food.”
― Jarod Kintz, One Out of Ten Dentists Agree: This Book Helps Fight Gingivitis. Maybe Tomorrow I’ll Ask Nine More Dentists.: A BearPaw Duck And Meme Farm Production

“Earth, water, and sky—ducks are birds of those three elements. And their passion for play embodies the fourth—fire.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I got a call last week from Harvard. They want me to come to Boston to teach Nonsense 101. I told them I'm 72 ducks, and they don't have a pool big enough to afford me.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Cats splash in sunlight like ducks in water. Both animals find your conversation so stimulating they could just nap.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I'm a consoomer. Instead of wall-to-wall Funko Pops, I collect ducks, and I store them all in a pen at night where they can be on display to inspire jealous desire in foxes, coyotes, and Miss Marple.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Powdered Saxophone Music is now FOR SALE. (Duck pond not included.)”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“My favorite drink is water. That's because I can swim in it. I learned that from ducks.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Time is fluid, like water. Swim in it like a duck.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I nailed my ice skates to a wooden floor. That’s how I learned to play hockey like a duck swims in soup.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Normally, my morning cup is full of coffee. But this AM, I almost chugged a duckling.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I took up duck farming in The Ozarks in 2020. I guess I did it mainly because the YMCA Aquatic Center in Orlando was operating at full occupancy with a geriatric aerobics class, and the instructor wouldn't let me ride my unicycle in the pool.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“I've been to Mansfield. Maybe one day I'll go back and find myself an Amish woman to marry and we will have enough kids so they can all just pick up my barn and we can move my duck farm to the newest Meme Factory where I'll find work as a caption creator.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Using only audio software and recordings of ducks quacking and splashing in water, I make intergender music. That way you can ponder if you are truly Disney Trans enough for modern society while you dance with yourself.”
― Jarod Kintz, A Memoir of Memories and Memes

“Mom, can I have a pig?" Avery asked, hopeful.
"No," Mrs. Arable replied firmly.
"Can I have a chicken?" he tried again.
"No."
"Can I have a goose?"
"No."
"Can I have a duck?"
"No."
"Can I get my tongue pierced and dye my hair pink?" Avery asked, trying his luck one last time.
"You can have a duck," Mrs. Arable said with a sigh.”
― GLEN NESBITT, SUS: Short Unpredictable Stories

“A long, slow roast”
― Rosaria Munda, Fireborne

“She straightened her shoulders. "Sisy, are the ducks ready?"
"All plucked and cleaned."
Roxannah sautéed more onions and garlic with turmeric, adding roughly chopped walnuts to the sizzling butter before transferring them into a large mortar.
Halpa gently removed the pestle from her hand. "I'll do this. You see to the duck."
She cut the ducks into large pieces, trying to plan her next steps as she worked. The usual recipe required the duck to cook in water. Boiling made the meat tender. But it also meant that most of its flavor leached into the sauce, leaving the flesh of the fowl tasteless and stringy. She could roast the duck. But that would leave the sauce bland. Besides, roasted meat was never as fall-off-the-bone soft as boiled.
It seemed stupid to try something new tonight of all nights. God, give me wisdom! Give me counsel so I know how to proceed. She waited for a moment, head bent low, trying to discern what to do. She felt a release, a sense of rightness about going forward with her risky plan.
Nodding to herself, she added a dollop more butter to the same pan where she had fried the garlic and onions, which still held their lingering aroma. Sprinkling the duck with salt, she set it carefully into the sizzling pan.
Halpa held the mortar under her nose. "Is this the consistency you want?"
"Perfect." She fetched the jar of pomegranate molasses she had brought from home and added a heaping tablespoon to Halpa's paste, seasoning it with salt and a dash of turmeric, cinnamon, and cardamom. In the pan, she flipped the pieces of duck. Their skin had turned the color of bright copper, gleaming with melted butter. By now, the whole kitchen staff had gathered around to watch her. Even the Immortal craned his neck for a better view.
She ignored them, keeping her attention on the duck. When both sides had fried evenly, she removed some of the excess fat, remembering Amestris's crack about the king's sleepless night.
Pomegranate juice and a rich, gelatinous broth made from chicken bones would enrich the duck's flavor. She hoped the fried skin would seal in enough of the juices that simmering the fowl in liquid would not rob its flavor. Finally, she spooned in the paste from Halpa's mortar. Covering the pan, she lifted it over the fire to reduce the heat. It would simmer gently and, hopefully, be ready just in time for dinner.”
― Tessa Afshar, The Queen's Cook