Joke Quotes (601 quotes)

“We would not be ashamed of doing some of the things we do in private, if the number of sane human beings who do them in public were large enough.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, around-the-bend, ashamed, bananas, batty, bonkers, crackers, crazed, crazy, cuckoo, demented, democracy, democratic, deranged, ditzy, enough, ethic, ethical, ethics, funny, gaga, gonzo, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, in-private, in-public, insane, insanity, joke, jokes, loco, loony, loopy, lunatic, mad-as-a-hatter, mad-as-a-march-hare, majority, masturbate, masturbation, mental, minority, moral, morality, morals, non-compos-mentis, not-all-there, not-right-in-the-head, nutso, nutty, nutty-as-a-fruitcake, out-to-lunch, precept, precepts, private, public, quotations, quotes, raving-mad, round-the-bend, sane, sanity, satire, self-abuse, shame, shameful, societies, society, taboo, taboos, the-majority, the-minority, touched, unhinged, wacko, with-a-screw-loose

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“Behold.鈥� Magiano spreads his arms in a gesture of pretend triumph. 鈥淩evel in its majesty.鈥�
I wrinkle my nose. 鈥淎re you trying to impress me with a collapsed archway?鈥�
鈥淣o faith. No faith at all.鈥� He is back to his old self, and it sends a rare thread of joy through my heart. 鈥淔ollow me,鈥� he murmurs. Then he takes a deep breath and dives down, grabbing my hand as he descends.”
― Marie Lu, The Midnight Star

tags: adelina-amouteru, flirt, joke, magiano

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“I found a secret place,鈥� he whispers. His hand finds mine under the water, tugging on my wrist. 鈥淐ome with me.鈥�
I鈥檓 unable to suppress a laugh. 鈥淲here are you taking me?鈥� I say in a mock scolding voice.
鈥淚鈥檒l beg your forgiveness later, Your Majesty,鈥� he teases back, flashing me a grin as he pulls us toward the far end of the pool.”
― Marie Lu, The Midnight Star

tags: adelina-amouteru, joke, magiano

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“The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: adult, adulthood, adults, advantage, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, child, childish, childlike, children, disrespect, disrespectful, funny, grow-up, grown-up, grown-ups, hate, hatred, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, immature, joke, jokes, kid, kids, mature, maturity, quotations, quotes, respect, respectful, satire, suit, teenager, teenagers, toddler, toddlers, treat, treat-like-a-child, treated

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“Whenever they are condemning weaves or breast implants, some people speak so passionately that their false teeth almost fall out.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, appearance, appearances, argument, arguments, bazooms, berate, blame, blast, boob, boobs, bosom, bosoms, breast, breast-implants, breasts, castigate, censure, chastise, condemn, condemnation, cosmetic, cosmetic-surgeries, cosmetic-surgery, criticism, criticize, debate, debates, denounce, denture, dentures, denunciation, deprecation, disapprobation, disapproval, disapprove, disfavor, dislike, displeasure, dissatisfaction, distaste, false-teeth, find-fault-with, funny, hair, hilarious, hooters, humor, humorous, humour, hypocrisy, hypocrite, hypocrites, implant, implants, joke, jokes, knockers, lay-into, looks, natural-hair, objection, quotations, quotes, rebuke, reprimand, reprove, revile, satire, slam, surgeries, surgery, take-to-task, thumbs-down, weave, weaves

9 likes

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“Even the world鈥檚 greatest actor cannot fake an erection.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: act, acting, actor, actors, actress, actresses, affect, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, bollywood, dick, dicks, drama, dramas, erect, erection, erection-dysfunction, fake, feign, film, films, funny, hilarious, hollywood, humor, humorous, humour, joke, jokes, movie, movies, nollywood, penis, penises, perform, performance, performer, performers, play, plays, porn, porn-star, porn-stars, porno, pornography, pretend, put-on, quotations, quotes, satire, sex, sexual-intercourse, simulate, theater, theaters, theatre, theatres

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“Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: age, aged, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, belief, beliefs, birth, burial, bury, child, children, cycle, dead, death, die, elder, elders, fallacies, fallacy, funeral, funerals, funny, gone-too-soon, hereafter, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, immortal, immortality, joke, jokes, kid, kids, life, life-after-death, life-and-death, misbelief, misbeliefs, misconception, misconceptions, mortal, mortality, newborn, newborns, offspring, old, old-age, old-age-home, old-age-homes, philosopher, philosophers-cry, philosophic, philosophy, prepare, prepared, quotations, quotes, rest-in-peace, rip, satire, stoic, stoicism, stoics, surprise, surprising, the-elders, the-hereafter, tomb, tombstone, tombstones, unprepared, weep

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“It is usually unbearably painful to read a book by an author who knows way less than you do, unless the book is a novel.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: acceptable, accomplishment, account, accounts, adeptness, admissible, agony, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, appreciation, apprehension, author, authors, awareness, be-acquainted-with, be-conversant-with, be-familiar-with, be-up-to-speed-on, be-versed-in, benighted, book, books, brookable, capability, capacity, cognition, cognizance, command, comprehend, comprehension, consciousness, cultivated, cultured, desolation, despair, discomfort, distress, educated, education, endurable, enlightened, entertain, entertaining, entertainment, erudite, erudition, escape, escapism, essay, essays, expertise, expertness, fiction, funny, grasp, grief, have-a-grasp-of, have-knowledge-of, have-learned, have-mastered, have-memorized, heartache, heartbreak, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, ignorance, ignorant, illiterate, inexperienced, insufferable, insupportable, intolerable, joke, jokes, know, knowledgable, knowledge, knowledgeable, learned, learning, literature, man-of-letters, manageable, mastery, men-of-letters, misery, narrative, narratives, nonfiction, novel, overpowering, pain, perception, proficiency, quotations, quotes, realization, sadness, satire, scholarly, scholarship, schooling, skill, sorrow, stories, story, sufferable, suffering, supportable, sustainable, tolerable, too-much, torment, torture, unacceptable, unbearable, understand, understanding, uneducated, unendurable, unenlightened, unhappiness, uninformed, unknowledgeable, unlearned, unlettered, unmanageable, unread, unschooled, unsophisticated, untaught, untrained, untutored, unworldly, via-dolorosa, well-educated, well-informed, well-read, wisdom, woman-of-letters, women-of-letters, wretchedness, writer, writers

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“Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: acquaintance, acquaintances, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, embarrass, embarrassing, forget, forgetting, forgot, funny, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, hurt, hurtful, introduce, introduction, joke, jokes, meet, memories, memory, memory-loss, quotations, quotes, remember, satire, stranger, strangers

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“Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: ability, able, accomplished, ace, adept, adroit, advertiser, advertisers, advertising, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, apt, aptitude, artistry, bent, branding, brilliance, brilliant, capable, capacity, competent, consummate, crack, deft, dexterity, dexterous, expert, expertise, facility, faculty, flair, forte, funny, genius, gift, gifted, hilarious, hit, hits, humor, humorous, humour, joke, jokes, knack, market, marketer, marketers, marketing, masterly, music, musician, musicians, muso, musos, one-hit-wonder, personal-brand, personal-branding, playlist, playlists, proficient, quotations, quotes, radio, sales, satire, skill, skilled, skillful, strength, talent, talented, technique, top-40, top-forty, touch, ungifted, untalented

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“You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: abode, abodes, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, atheism, atheist, atheists, bible, book, books, bookshop, bookshops, bookstore, bookstores, bookworm, bookworms, college, colleges, cook, cook-book, cook-books, education, employ, employment, essay, essays, fail, funny, god, hilarious, home, homes, house, houses, humor, humorous, humour, idiot-box, joke, jokes, knowledge, libraries, library, literature, marks, pass, pass-mark, please, quotations, quotes, reader, readers, reading, religion, satire, school, schooling, scripture, scriptures, study, studying, television, telly, tv, universities, university, verse

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“Given these differences between the sexes, the sexual revolution was the biggest joke men ever played on women. By convincing them that the old rules didn鈥檛 apply and that two could play the predator game, men enticed women to do what men have always wanted women to do. But what a price was paid for the new 鈥渇reedom.鈥� And predictably, women were the ones who got stuck with the bill.”
― James C. Dobson, Life on the Edge: The Next Generation's Guide to a Meaningful Future

tags: always, apply, between, biggest, bill, but, by, convincing, could, didn-t, differences, do, enticed, ever, freedom, game, given, got, have, joke, men, new, old, ones, paid, play, played, predator, predictably, price, revolution, rules, sexes, sexual, stuck, the, them, to, two, wanted, were, what, with, women

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“Some men are dogs; some dogs are women.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: adultery, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, breakup, breakups, cheat, cheaters, cheating, date, dating, disloyal, disloyalty, divorce, divorces, dog, dogs, extramarital, extramarital-sex, funny, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, joke, jokes, loyal, loyalty, man, marriage, marriages, men, mistress, mistresses, quotations, quotes, relationship, relationships, satire, woman, women

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“We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: admiration, admire, adviser, advisers, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, confidant, confidante, confidantes, confidants, consultant, consultants, counselor, counselors, esteem, funny, guide, guides, guru, gurus, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, impression, joke, jokes, look-up-to, mentor, mentors, mentorship, persona, quotations, quotes, respect, revere, reverence, role-model, role-models, satire, venerate, veneration

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“Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, attire, automobile, automobiles, boyfriend, boyfriends, car, cars, clothes, clothing, consumerism, date, dating, divorce, divorces, envious, envy, funny, girlfriend, girlfriends, gold-digger, gold-diggers, hilarious, house, houses, humor, humorous, humour, husband, husbands, jealous, jealousy, joke, jokes, love, loved, materialism, money, partner, partners, quotations, quotes, relationship, relationships, salaries, salary, satire, spouse, spouses, unconditional-love, wages, wardrobe, wardrobes, wife, wives, woman, women

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“There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: adultery, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, bedroom, boyfriend, boyfriends, cheat, cheater, cheaters, cheating, child, children, couple, couples, date, dating, disloyal, disloyalty, excited, excitement, extramarital, extramarital-sex, faithful, families, family, foreplay, funny, girlfriend, girlfriends, hilarious, horniness, horny, humor, humorous, humour, husband, husbands, in-the-mood, joke, jokes, kid, kids, libido, lingerie, loyal, marriage, marriages, mood, offspring, parent, parenthood, parents, procreate, procreation, quotations, quotes, relationship, relationships, reproduce, reproduction, satire, sex, sex-drive, sexual-excitement, sexual-intercourse, unfaithful, wife, wives, woman, women

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“Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: angelic, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, atheism, atheist, atheists, bad, base, believer, believers, bible, blameless, chaplain, chaplains, church, churches, churchman, churchmen, clergyman, clergymen, cleric, clerics, congregation, congregations, corrupt, criminal, crooked, curate, curates, debased, debauched, decent, degenerate, depraved, dishonest, dishonorable, disreputable, dissolute, ecclesiastic, ecclesiastics, ethical, evil, foul, funny, godless, good, high-minded, hilarious, honest, honorable, humor, humorous, humour, image, imam, imams, immoral, impress, impression, impure, iniquitous, irreproachable, joke, jokes, law-abiding, lewd, licentious, loose, lowdown, man-of-the-cloth, men-of-the-cloth, minister, ministers, miscreant, moral, morally-wrong, nefarious, noble, nonbeliever, nonbelievers, obscene, padre, padres, pagan, parson, parsons, pastor, pastors, persona, perverse, perverted, preacher, preachers, priest, priests, principled, promiscuous, pure, quotations, quotes, rector, rectors, reprobate, reverend, reverends, righteous, saintly, satire, shady, shameless, sinful, sleazy, synagogue, synagogues, unchaste, unconscionable, unethical, unprincipled, unscrupulous, unvirtuous, upright, upstanding, vicar, vicars, vile, villainous, virtuous, wanton, wicked, wish, wrongful

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“Some women have kissed鈥攁nd some are kissing鈥攁 lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, breakup, breakups, date, dating, divorce, divorces, fable, fables, fairy-tale, fairy-tales, fantasies, fantasy, fiction, frog, frogs, funny, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, joke, jokes, king, kings, kiss, kiss-a-frog, kiss-a-lot-of-frogs, kisser, kissers, kissing, marriage, marriages, prince, princes, princess, princesses, queen, queens, quotations, quotes, relationship, relationships, romance, romantic, satire, woman, women

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“Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, funny, hate, hatred, heartbreak, heartbreaker, heartbreakers, heartbroken, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, intolerable, joke, jokes, love, marriage, marriages, marry, quotations, quotes, relationship, relationships, requite, requited, satire, tolerable, unrequited

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“Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: act, action, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, arm, arms, atheism, atheist, atheists, believer, believers, church, churches, churchgoer, churchgoers, congregation, congregations, daydream, daydreamer, daydreamers, do, doer, doers, fate, feet, foot, funny, god, gods, hand, hands, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, joke, jokes, karma, leg, legs, nonbeliever, nonbelievers, pagan, pray, prayed, prayer, prayers, praying, praying-man, praying-men, praying-woman, praying-women, prioritize, priority, quotations, quotes, religion, religions, satire, synagogue, synagogues, wish, wishful-thinking, worship, worshiper, worshipers, worshipper, worshippers

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“Most people do not mind having a house that is smaller and/or a car that is cheaper than their neighbours鈥�, as long as they each earn and have more money than their neighbours, and, equally important, their neighbours know that.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: abode, abodes, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, automobile, automobiles, car, cars, cheap, class, classes, compete, competition, consumerism, earn, earnings, expensive, funny, hilarious, home, homes, house, houses, humor, humorous, humour, inexpensive, joke, jokes, mansion, mansions, materialism, money, monied, neighbor, neighborhood, neighbors, neighbour, neighbourhood, neighbours, quotations, quotes, residence, resident, residents, rich, richer, salaries, salary, satire, show-off, social-class, social-classes, spirituality, wages

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“We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, appearance, belief, beliefs, believe, convince, depress, depressed, depression, fail, failures, funny, happiness, happy, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, impression, impressions, joke, jokes, quotations, quotes, sad, sadness, satire, unhappiness, unhappy

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“He with the cleanest clothes isn鈥檛 necessarily the cleanest.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, appearance, attire, clean, clothes, clothing, dandy, dirt, dirty, dude, fop, funny, glamour-boy, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, impression, joke, jokes, man-about-town, pretty-boy, quotations, quotes, rake, satire, sharp-dresser, snappy-dresser, trendy, wardrobe

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“Creating a complete picture of a company financial health, by looking at periodic financial statements, is like turning a hamburger into a cow”
― Don Tapscott, Blockchain Revolution: How the Technology Behind Bitcoin Is Changing Money, Business, and the World

tags: finance, joke

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“Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

tags: abort, abortion, aids, alive, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, condom, condoms, contraceptive, contraceptives, dead, death, funny, hilarious, hiv, hiv-negative, hiv-positive, humor, humorous, humour, joke, jokes, life, manage, one-night-stand, one-night-stands, pregnancy, pregnant, protection, quotations, quotes, satire, sex, sexual-intercourse, sleep-with, the-pill

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“If you ever have to give a speech, start with a joke, if you know one. For years I've been looking for the best joke in the world. I think I know what it is. I will tell it to you, but you have to help me. You have to say, "No," when I hold up my hand like this. All right? Don't let me down.
Do you know why cream is so much more expensive than milk?
AUDIENCE: No.
It is because the cows hate to squat on those bottles.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young

tags: joke

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“Life as a private investigator, slash bounty hunter wasn鈥檛 all Gary Beck wanted it to be. There weren鈥檛 any big mansions on a palm beach owned by an affluent writer generous enough to let him live rent-free and use his spare Ferrari. But then you have to ask yourself, what could you expect living on a planet like Deanna? As a third-rate colony in the Terran Empire, Deanna had more than its fair share of dull moments. It orbits a star called Ramalama. If you think that鈥檚 funny, Deanna鈥檚 two moons are called Ding and Dong, respectively (this is a local joke) and one of them falls down occasionally.”
― Christina Engela, Black Sunrise

tags: be, deanna, dong, dull, empire, ferrari, funny, investigator, joke, life, moments, occasionally, ramalama, rent-free, yourself

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“The biggest irony in the history of India is the term, "Muslim Personal Law."
Law of the land could never be personal.”
― Ketan Waghmare

tags: entitlement, hyporcrisy, india, intellectual, irony, joke

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“She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.”
― Matshona Dhliwayo

tags: dinner, funny-quotations, funny-quote, funny-quotes, humor-quotations, humor-quote, humor-quotes, humorous-quotation, humorous-quotations, humorous-quote, humorous-quotes, husband-quotes, joke, lazy-quotes, marriage-quotes, relationship-quotes, wife-quotes

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“Everybody laughed for a long time, for it was the kind of joke that seemed to grow on you. You would laugh and eventually stop. But after a few minutes you would think of the joke again, and you would burst out laughing all over again.”
― Zakes Mda, Ways of Dying

tags: comedy, humor, joke, laughter

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